By Way of Sorrow
by jaxington
Summary: Bella Cullen has spent the last ninety-five years giving everything to protect her family and mourning the loss of her long dead human husband. A trip to Alaska to meet Tanya's latest romantic interest changes everything. The vampire she meets there has his face, his hair, and his body, but not his memories. It's a strange new world.
1. Routine

**Hello! I'm back and super excited for this new story. I'm taking a shot at vampires, and it's like nothing I've done before so I'm kinda nervous. I hope you enjoy it. **

**Big thanks to dowlingnana for being a great beta!  
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**I own nothing at all.  
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**Thanks for reading!  
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* * *

Normal vampires do not experience jet lag, but as I trudge through the airport the urge to curl into a little ball and rest under a row of bench seats right there in the terminal is almost overwhelming.

The exhaustion is mental, not physical, another lovely part of my so-called ability. Carlisle calls it a gift. Aro calls it special. I call it a headache.

But it allows to me protect the ones I care about; the ones who give my unlife purpose.

I let myself enjoy being surrounded by beating hearts and pulsing veins for a moment as I walk at a painfully human pace. It's a delightful combination of scents, and I find it somewhat soothing, even if I have no urge to make any of them my meal.

Yet it's another example of my vampiric abnormality. I feel no blood lust. Never have. Not really.

One of the living, moving bodies in my general vicinity has tousled copper hair. Pain twists in my heart as I'm assaulted by a human memory of the man I once loved with everything I possessed.

What would he say? Knowing what I do now?

When I reach the exit I am unsurprised to see Alice and Carlisle both leaning against the silver Mercedes parked at the curb. They're here to take me home. No phone call on my part was needed to tell them I'd be arriving. That's what makes Alice special.

Well, as special as she can be with my freaky little ability mucking up her foresight.

Yes, I am unsurprised to see them here and also somewhat annoyed. I was looking forward to a good mind clearing run.

Alice rushes forward with a squeak, throwing her arms around my neck. I return her backbreaking hug, closing my eyes and letting her familiarity soothe me.

"You're back!" she exclaims, pointing out the obvious. "I know it was only ten days but I swear it felt like a year."

"It felt like a year to me too," I murmur. Alice winces, and nods in understanding. She sees my fatigue, understands my mental exhaustion, even if I keep the details of how I got this way. It will forever be my secret.

I don't know what my family would do if they truly understood the full extent of my arrangement with Aro.

I turn to Carlisle, the one exception to my secrecy. He was there when this all started. He knows just what I do for the vampire ruling elite.

He knows I have no choice. No sacrifice would be too great.

Carlisle gives me a sad smile and opens his arms. I go to him with speed that is slightly inappropriate given all the humans loitering about, but I don't have it in me to pretend to be like them in this moment.

I rest my forward against his chest as he hugs me harder than Alice. I let out a sigh, closing my eyes as I let his presence calm my head. Carlisle, knowing me better and longer than anyone, says nothing. He lets me have my moment undisturbed.

"Okay," I say, giving him an echo of a smile to let him know I'm relatively unharmed. As always, "Get me home."

"Yes, ma'am," Alice says, saluting me. I chuckle when she opens the door to the backseat with a flourish and a bow, holding it open as I slide in. She prances around to the driver's side as Carlisle takes the passenger side.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alice asks, as always.

After all these years it's all become such a routine. From the moment Alice gets a vision that a member of the guard will be coming to collect me in the near future, to the moment I'm picked up at the airport somewhat against my will, it's always the same.

And I've gotten used to it. My little trips to Italy are familiar, if not comfortable.

"There's nothing to talk about, Alice," I assure her. "The whole thing was standard. The Volturi felt some rouge vamp might possibly expose us, they identified him as a threat with a dangerous ability, and I went there to shield the guard. Routine."

Alice gives a little huff, but doesn't push the issue. Like the rest of the family, she hates to see me go, worries I'm in danger, and recognizes that protecting a ruthless bunch of demons with my mind is not exactly ideal for my own well being.

But it's necessary, so extremely necessary.

I leave out the two days Aro demanded I spend with him in Volterra. Thankfully, I have enough control of my gift now that I'm able to prevent Alice from seeing the details of my future. It's complicated and imprecise, but thus far she's only seen my arrival and departure from Italy when I go on my little trips.

I think. It's difficult to really know what Alice has seen if she chooses to keep it to herself.

"Did I miss anything?" I ask as I lie down in the backseat. I curl myself into the fetal position and wrap my arms protectively around my head.

"Nope," Alice replies, "Just the usual good old nothing of Forks."

"Good old Forks," I murmur, pretending to drift into sleep. Because it's been such a long week, I even conjure my dream husband. I'm so good at this long practiced make believe of sleep and husband, the delusion feels real.

They give me peace for the remainder of the drive home.

* * *

When we arrive home several hours later I let Esme dote on me and hang out in the garage as Rosalie works on the beat up old Chevy I found abandoned on an equally abandoned road about a month ago. She calls it a challenge. I hunt with Emmett and allow Jasper to calm me down with his manipulative little gift.

Even with his sensitivity to emotion, over the years I've become very good at hiding what I feel from everyone, myself included.

Self-disgust and wariness kept at bay by a carefully constructed state of numbness.

Still, it's worth it. I have one priority in this strange unlife, and she's worth everything I have.

I stay close to our sprawling home deep in the Washington woods long enough to reassure them that I'm fine, that I'm here. Although being back with them is a relief, I'm twitchy with the need to go through my own cleansing ritual.

I need to run. I need to immerse myself in the crisp mountain air that smells like home.

After a day of this Carlisle places a hand on my shoulder, "Go," he whispers in my ear.

I don't need to be told twice.

My speed is unmatched by any vampire I've thus far come across, and it doesn't take me long to get deep into my woods. I'll run until I can manage to stop thinking about it.

Each time it's the same. Alice almost always has a vision, giving me some time – be it a few weeks or a few days – to mentally prepare myself. Some one comes to fetch me. If I'm lucky it's Felix and if I'm not then it will be Jane. I really fucking hate that sadistic bitch.

The feeling is most definitely mutual.

This time it was Demetri who showed up at our door. He might be the only shy vampire I've ever met but his company is almost pleasant.

Sometimes we meet the rest of the guard somewhere, sometimes it is straight back to Volterra. I use my ability to protect the group of vampire royalty and try hard to stay removed from the situation. Sometimes the threats are legitimate; usually it's just a lost "soul" trying to navigate immortality.

They all die – if you can even call it that.

When I'm done I meet alone with Aro. That's the worst part, the part that always has me running into the woods until I don't feel dirty and trapped anymore.

But what I feel is of very little consequence. I haven't mattered in a very long time. From the moment Carlisle turned me almost a century ago I've had one purpose. My arrangement with the Volturi protects what's mine. That's all I care about. I do whatever is required to make sure she's happy and healthy and whole.

And she is. For now.

This is the first summer I've let her be so far away. I'm sick with fear for her, but she's having a grand old time.

As I run through the woods, that heaviness that has been sitting right in my belly since Alice's first vision of Demetri coming for me almost two months ago gets a little lighter. Out here I feel free. The world becomes a comforting mass of green as I dodge trees and rocks without any thought. I visit all my favorite spots – jumping the river, running the edge of a large ravine, scampering up a cliff. I reach the end of what I consider my woods and then keep going. I slow as the sun comes up to climb the tallest tree and I can find a good view of it rising over the mountains.

I pause for only a few moments, letting myself focus on only this one beauty.

I don't stop running until I get well into Canada. It takes me that long to get the numbness back in place. Nothing hurts out here. That's how I know it's time to head back to Forks.

* * *

"Tanya called while you were running around in the woods," Rosalie informs me when I glide into the kitchen. My eyes immediately focus on the stack of unopened mail on the counter, and I find this much more interesting than a phone call from the leader of our sister coven.

"Oh?" I ask absently, sorting through the mail. Occasionally I'll get a beautiful calligraphy letter from Vanessa. Although we've adopted all the modern means of communication, e-mail, texts, and the like, Nessie loves a good old fashion letter. As do I.

"Yes," Rose continues, obviously annoyed she doesn't have my full and undivided attention. It's silly as my brain was built to multitask, but Rose will be Rose. "Pack your bags. Or I guess let Alice pack your bags. We're going to Alaska."

"Why?" I inquire dryly, disappointed that the mail contains only advertisements and bills. "I just got home."

"Apparently Tanya has fallen in love," Rose says sweetly, batting her eyelashes and making me laugh.

"Another human" I venture. Tanya's antics bore me. She has fallen in and out of love more than anyone I've ever come across. With a flare for the dramatic and a constant need to be the center of attention, Tanya has always gotten on my nerves but she is even worse when she claims to be in love.

She also thinks I'm a prude, and I've done nothing to dissuade her of this opinion.

Twenty years ago, Rosalie told Tanya that I was still hung up on my dead human husband, and the she-vamp has been impossible to be around since.

"Don't be silly," Tanya told me with a condescending pat on my head. "Humans can't even know true love. Their emotions are too simple. They aren't capable of feeling all that."

Ridiculous words given how many humans she's claimed to love. After five hundred plus years, you'd think she would be able to distinguish love and lust. I gladly take my version of true love over Tanya's. It's become her own personal mission to get me laid since then, and I do not appreciate her efforts.

"Nope, vamp this time," Rose informs me. "Apparently a group of nomads have been staying with them for a couple days. Tanya thinks this dude is her mate."

"Ha, right," I reply with a snort, leaning against the granite counter of the kitchen as I recall the number of times I've heard Tanya make this claim, at least thirty-seven. "Like we all haven't heard that before."

"I always forget that you hate Tanya," Rosie muses, just to bate me no doubt.

"I don't hate her. We just have nothing in common. And if I recall she isn't your favorite vampire either," I reply.

"Yeah, she brings out the bitch in me."

I bite my bottom lip to stifle my giggle. Almost everything brings out the bitch in Rosalie. My daughter is the one exception, and for this I truly love Rose, bitchiness and all.

"Although it's fun to have a party girl around every once and awhile," Rose continues.

"I'm totally not going," I declare. I hate parties. I hate crowds. I hate how much energy I'm forced to expend faking happiness in such situations. "I'm tired."

"Yes you fucking are," Rose snaps, leaping up from her seat at the kitchen table and descending upon me menacingly. "If I have to go, you have to go. Everyone is going. It's a mandatory family outing. And vampires don't get tired, you little freak."

"I don't want too," I say because this seems like a damn good reason.

"You'll be closer to Ness."

"No I won't."

"You're going."

"Urg—"My incomprehensible groan is interrupted by the matriarch of our little family.

"Listen to your sister," Esme says, gracefully entering the room with Carlisle in tow. "We all leave tonight."

"But—"

"Bella, I believe the Denali's have slightly different reasons for inviting us north," Carlisle says before I can argue.

"Other than Tanya rubbing her latest love in my face, you mean?" I ask sardonically. My father rolls his golden eyes at me before continuing as if I didn't speak.

"These nomads that have been lingering, two male and one female, live a more traditional vampire lifestyle," he explains as the rest of the family drifts into the kitchen. I can tell that this is only new information to me, and everyone has agreed to go north while I was running. "One male, the one Tanya fancies, and the female seem very interested in our lifestyle, but Eleazar does not trust the third companion."

"So we're going to provide a little muscle." Emmett interjects, strutting across the kitchen and obnoxiously flexing his biceps. He earns a smack on the back of the head from Rose for his efforts. The move would have clearly decapitated a human. Luckily, Emmett – and all of us for that matter – is much more durable than that.

"Yes, we are going to provide security for our extended family while encouraging the interest of these nomads in our lifestyle," Carlisle concludes.

"Fine," I reply, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling at my family. "I guess I'm in. How are we getting there?"

"We're driving to Seattle and then flying to Anchorage and then driving the rest of the way. I've already taken care of all the arrangements," explains Alice, beaming with her excitement in planning shit.

Well, fuck that.

"I'll run," I insist, hating the thought of getting back on a plane so soon.

"I'll go with you," says Carlisle. "I don't want you running all that way alone, especially with these strangers in the area."

I roll my eyes at his whole overprotective dad routine, but don't complain. Alice's spotty and unreliable visions when it comes to me make Carlisle nervous. He'll slow me down a little, but it's not like I'm in a huge rush to see Tanya all over some poor unsuspecting fool.

I'll pop in on Ness at snowboarding summer camp on my way back. She'll accuse me of smothering her, but she's lucky I let her go so far at all. My daughter will just have to deal.

"I've already packed everything you could possibly need," titters Alice, grinning at me.

After stuffing a few pairs of jeans, several t-shirts, and a pair of tennis shoes in my stunningly large suitcase, I call my daughter. Again.

She didn't pick up when I called her the moment I got back into Forks, but I forced myself not to freak out about it. If anything happened to Nessie, I would know.

"Ciao, Mamma," Nessie shouts into the phone, picking up after only one ring. She may be ninety-five, but developmentally she's only about thirteen. Both body and spirit age seven times slower than a human child.

"Hello, my darling daughter. How are you?"

"Awesome! I went off my first jump today. It was so cool."

Nessie makes me laugh, as she usually does. If it wasn't for her light, I would be completely dead inside. She is all I have left of _him_ and my only real reason for existing at this point. My love died almost a century ago and most vampires could not survive such a loss. But most vampires don't have children.

I listen to Nessie chronicle her adventures with her fellow campers, laughing and commenting at appropriate times.

"Ma, what are you doing? Where have you been? Why haven't you been calling to bug me every three seconds?" she asks. I stifle a sigh. Ness has always been one for the drama.

And usually I limit my calls to once a day. My travels made that difficult.

"I just got back from Italy," I tell her, trying not to worry too much about her being a state away. She's safe. I've done everything that's been asked of me. "I called you the moment I got back but you, my love, failed to answer."

"Mom, I was on the mountain." The duh is apparent in her voice. "Jake said he'd call you."

"Jake," I spit out, "is an idiot."

An idiot I trust with my daughter's life, but still an idiot who can't manage to return a simple phone call.

"Mom, relax. What could possibly happen? We're both almost as indestructible as you." For some reason the annoyance I hear in her voice makes me smile.

"I'm your mother. It's my lot in life to worry about you."

"Was Italy bad? Are you tired?" she asks.

"I wasn't there long," I murmur, not wanting to think about it.

"What did they have you doing this time?"

"Oh, the usual," I say dismissively. I'm so good at pretending it's a little alarming. "I was keeping everyone safe from even scarier monsters."

"You never tell me anything," she whines. I can picture the pout in her expression that matches that tone, clear as day in my head.

"Really, Ness, there is nothing to say. I don't like being away from home and it's mildly disturbing being around those who have no regard for human life, but it's fine, really."

"I'm your daughter. It's my lot in life to worry about you."

"Cute."

"What else have you been doing with yourself?' she asks. "Running around the woods and avoiding everyone?"

"Yes, it was something just like that," I reply. "Actually, that's why I'm calling. I just thought I should let you know that the family is going to Denali for an undecided amount of time. We leave tonight."

"Aw, lucky!" she exclaims. "I haven't seen them in forever. Oh, I really miss Kate and Carmen and Irina, Eleazar and Tanya, too. I guess. Are you excited?"

"I guess."

I fill her in on the situation up north, and we chat for a few more minutes before hanging up. I take a really long shower and then I crawl into my huge unnecessarily plush bed, pretending to sleep next to him for a while before Carlisle drags me north.

* * *

"Are you going to behave yourself?" Carlisle asks as we approach the Denali's cabin-inspired mansion. We're just out of hearing range of the multitude of vampires inside.

"Of course, Father," I reply. "I am nothing if not polite, poised, and courteous."

He has the audacity to snort at me.

We both catch the scent at the same time, turning towards the east.

"Eleazar," Carlisle says. "He must be at the lake. I'm going to meet him, have a word in private. Tell Esme, will you?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I will."

I approach the front door and inhale taking stock to those lounging inside. Rose, Em, Jasper, Alice, and Esme all beat us here, probably because Carlisle and I stopped for a quick caribou snack.

It was delicious, sort of.

I also recognize the scent of Kate, Irina, and unfortunately Tanya. Her high-pitched laugh has me cringing before I even see her.

Wonderful.

There is only one scent I can't place, which is strange because it's oddly familiar. My vampire brain remembers everyone I've ever encountered, and for a brief moment, I worry something is wrong with me. I dismiss this inane thought because I'm a fucking perfect immortal.

"Oh, good," I hear Esme say. "Carlisle and Bella are here. You'll just love talking to my husband, Edward."

Edward. The name has pain tearing through my still heart, even after all these years. Although he is always in the back of my mind (and the front more than is really healthy), I can't bear to even think the name because it just hurts too much.

Hearing it now has my steps faltering. I pause with my fingers on the handle of the front door, doing my best to collect myself.

I'm going to hate this nomad and his interest in our vegetarian lifestyle. Taking a deep breath, I open the front door.

I take in everything at once, but the only thing I can really focus on is the immortal leaning against the mantle above the fireplace.

It's _his_ face, _his_ hair, his long, lithe body. High cheek bones, sharp jaw line. Tousled bronze locks.

This cannot be happening.

I'm vaguely aware of the conversation flowing around me, but for the first time in my ninety-five years of vampirism, my whole consciousness focuses on one thing. It's like I'm on the verge of passing out, and all I can see, hear, think is him.

The twisted, wrapped version of the man I knew my whole human life has invaded every nook and cranny of my being.

The whole thing is extremely vexing and rips my whole world wide open.

A ninth of a second feels like several lifetimes, but that's how long it takes for this ghost of my past to turn his gaze towards me. I brace myself for emerald eyes and am horrified to see pale red instead.

They are all wrong, red and horrible.

He looks like my husband. He smells like my husband, sort of. He shares my husband's name, but there is no conceivable way that he could actually _be_ my husband. There is no way. The universe is just punishing me for being a demon, a soulless monster, by torturing me with visions of a person that no longer exists.

This is my hell.

But my brain still works really fast, and I figure out the only possible answer a millisecond after he turns to drink me up with his eyes. The world snaps back into clarity when I find the solution.

He stares at me with a bone melting familiarity before approaching me slowly. It's like all I've never dared to hope for in this second life is coming to fruition. And all I can manage to do is gape at him. By some impossible stroke of fate, he's here. It takes far too long for him to reach me, and he continues to look at me with wary red eyes. His beauty is even greater than I remember, or maybe that's just the vampire thing. My breath gets stuck in my lungs as I analyze everything about him while he approaches.

I want to tell him I love him but my voice gets stuck in my throat. I want to jump into his arms but it feels like my limbs are made of lead.

I'm overwhelmed. My still heart is too full. Joy and shock have me paralyzed.

His gait is the same, as is the tiny furrow between his eyebrows, indicating that he is thinking hard. I expect him to pinch the bridge of his nose or run his fingers through his hair at any moment.

I want him to cradle me against his chest and kiss my temple and call me love.

He gets so close I feel the long absent electric charge crackle between the inches that separate us. The sensation is amplified, much more intense that what exists in my human memories, and we aren't even touching yet. I tilt my face up, anticipating and craving his touch, preferably in the form of a passionate kiss as he bends his head slightly.

I am dazzled. I am undone. I am so willing to accept this and be with him again.

His eyes narrow as he studies me, and I'm on the brink of jumping his bones when he finally speaks.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks, his tone somewhere between wonder and irritation. His smooth voice is even more melodic then I remember, but this again can be attributed to the vampirism combined with the dullness of my human memories.

It takes me a full three seconds to realize that his first words to me in the better part of one hundred years are not those of love and adoration, but instead are questioning my sanity.

"What?" I snap, narrowing my eyes at him and resisting the urge to shove him away from me, Or to mount him. I can't tell the difference.

"I can't… what are you thinking? Why are you so silent? How are you doing that?" he demands, still sounding in awe.

"Doing what?" I reply. Maybe I'm wrong. This can't be my boy. My boy is smart and this vampire stranger is clearly a moron.

"Keeping me out of your head," he continues somewhat breathlessly. He looks so awestruck, so much like he used to when he was about to kiss me. So why in the fuck isn't he touching me already?

His gaze is painfully intense and he cocks his head to the side as he studies me.

"Edward," I whine, seamlessly slipping back in to old patterns even after all this time. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"He can read minds," Alice says helpfully from somewhere in the general vicinity.

Without even thinking about it, I reach out to my family, protecting them with my special shield. It's second nature when some unknown entity with special skills is around and I extend my protection out to the rest of my family instinctually.

Jasper winces, now exposed to the full fury of my raging and conflicting emotions. Oh well. He'll just have to deal.

"What the hell?" Edward yells, jumping in surprise. "Where did everyone go?"

"I'm a shield," I explain, talking quickly and dismissively with my impatience. He is focusing on the wrong thing. Why is he marveling at my ability while he should be marveling at the fact that we are miraculously standing in the same room after one hundred years of separation?

Also, he can read minds? What the fuck?

"A shield," he repeats.

"Yes," I snap, really getting irritated now. Maybe I should just kiss him? Is that too forward? There really is no established etiquette for this situation, and although I'm trying to follow his lead, I'm getting bored of the route real quick.

"Who are you?" he murmurs with amazement and my whole world shifts for the second time in less than five minutes.

He doesn't remember.

He has no idea.

"Bella," I say, taking a step back and looking at him in horror. He doesn't remember. He doesn't know me.

"Bella," he repeats, his lips slowly turning into that half smirk I adore. "Have we met before? You seem somewhat familiar."

Someone laughs, commenting on the nature of vampire memories.

In my horror, I can't really understand the meaning of words.

I take another step of retreat, my back hitting the closed front door. I can't seem to answer. How do I explain our whole human life together? He doesn't remember me and this knowledge is almost as painful as thinking he was gone forever.

Almost!

Tanya chooses this moment to make her presence known.

"Oh, Bella!" she shrieks, rushing over and pulling me into a hug. I'm so surprised by her affection and his sudden reappearance and the universe in general, that I just blink and stay stiff in her arms. "It's so good to see you, darling. It's been far too long."

I glance pleadingly at my various family members, who look either highly amused or highly concerned. Tanya hugs me a little too tightly in silent warning, and I suddenly understand her attention.

He is Tanya's latest love.

I feel frozen. Well, more frozen.

"Anyway," Tanya says as she pulls away. "I see you've met Edward. Isn't he just the greatest?"

She hooks her arm through his and I gag a little, still never breaking eye contact with the man I once new better than I knew myself.

Edward is Tanya's latest love.

I can't be here anymore.

I need to leave before she has another chance to open her slutty mouth to talk like she knows my boy. Mine.

The whole situation is all too much and I take off. I run and I run and I run, trying to clear my head, trying to bring back some understanding to my existence.

* * *

**So a lot is happening here. We're moving right along! So what do you think of Bella? Nessie? Poor, confused Edward? Reviews are lovely and so are you! See you next time. It shouldn't be too long.**


	2. Run Away

**Starting a new story always makes me sorta giddy. This time it's been super duper special. I mean... this is like quadruple the number of reviews I've ever gotten on a first chapter. That's pretty cool, especially given how long this story has been stuck in my head and how nervous I am to do vampires.****  
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**So thanks. Seriously so much.  
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**Onward!  
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**Betaed by dowlingnana.  
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**I don't own nothin'.  
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* * *

The running doesn't help me find oblivion. Usually, the rhythm and the speed help my mind go blank. I don't think about how much I miss him or how much I hate the monster I've become or how hollow unlife has been without him.

This time, I collapse under the weight of it all. I crawl into a clearing and curl into the fetal position under a pine, closing my eyes and pretending that I'm asleep as I wrap my arms around my head.

At least an hour passes, and I hear Carlisle approach.

"That's him," he says, sitting in the damp grass near my head. "Isn't it?"

"I don't see any other possible answer," I mutter without opening my eyes. "Did you see him?"

"I made sure not to think about it," Carlisle reassures me. He knows me well enough to understand that I need to process this on my own before I decide what to do. "Mind reading. It makes sense. Edward was always very astute at reading people. It's what would have made him an excellent doctor. Really, it's fascinating how…"

He trails off when he sees the look on my face, clearing his throat and giving me an apologetic smile.

"How is this possible?" I whisper.

"Well, I would venture to guess that he became a vampire in Europe during the war. There would be no way for you to know," he says, sounding all scientific. "They never did find his body."

Missing and presumed dead.

Well, they almost got it right.

I wince at the painful memory. I never came to grips with the fact that nothing of him returned to me. And now here he is, intact and undead.

"It doesn't seem possible," I repeat, feeling shell-shocked. "That we would both just happen to become immortal. What are the chances?"

"It's not about chances," Carlisle replies. "It's fate. Your time with Edward was cut short. You aren't done yet. You are meant for more."

His answer is not something I'm capable of considering in this moment of my supreme freak out.

"I don't know if I can," I wail, sitting up and pounding the earth at my sides, accidentally creating two narrow craters. "He doesn't remember me and part of me is still so angry at him for leaving me in the first place! How could I possibly explain what we used to be?"

I'm getting hysterical, and I leap to my feet to pace around the clearing.

"He left me, Carlisle!" I yell, gesturing wildly and accidently decapitating a sapling. "I begged him not to! But he enlisted, without even telling me about it. My opinion didn't even matter enough to him to ask me before he decided to sign his life over to the military. The fucking French military! And not just his life ended then, but my life too. The day I heard he was gone, I died. My soul withered. The world as I knew it failed to exist and so did I. And, yes, there is Nessie. And yes, ultimately I'm glad you turned me for her sake. But still. He ruined me. He was my whole world, and he didn't even care about me enough to discuss throwing our lives away. And he died, Carlisle! Just like I knew he would."

This time I destroy an eighty foot pine totally on purpose.

"You know better than that." Carlisle wants to say more but he recognizes my need to rant. Now is not the time for logic.

"And oh my God, Nessie!" I say, completely losing it all over again as my brain catches up with various elements of this cluster fuck of a situation. "How can I possibly explain this to Vanessa? And how can I possibly tell him?"

I let out a frustrated wail and progress to totally dismember the fallen tree. In a matter of moments the pine is nothing more than wood chips, and my breathing is labored, not from physical excretion but panic. I squeeze my eyes shut, and it takes me seven minutes and forty eight seconds to achieve a shaky form of calm.

"Feel better?" Carlisle asks as I serenely rise from the wood and take a seat next to him under an even larger tree.

"No," I say, struggling to maintain my fragile composure.

"How are you going to tell him?" he asks.

"I don't know if I'm going to yet," I reply. "And please, don't push me on this. I need time to think. To process."

"Okay," he says. I love Carlisle. He is seriously the best, most understanding man I know.

"What did everyone think of my sudden departure?" I ask, trying to distract myself from my own despair.

"The general understanding is that you could not handle being that close to Tanya," Carlisle explains with a chuckle. "Rosalie helpfully explained that you've always been slightly touched in the head."

"Harsh but fair," I reply with a nod. "One of them is going to think something that gives me away. I can't have him knowing anything yet." I'm panicking again.

"Bella, remember how you find memories from your human life so painful that you refuse to talk about them with anyone but me? Not even Alice?" I nod slowly. Carlisle is different. Carlisle lived it with me. "I think that is really going to be advantageous to you now."

I let out a hysterical giggle.

"Can you control your thoughts?" I ask, calming slightly.

"Yes," he states simply.

"Do you think he loves Tanya?" I whisper.

"Absolutely not," he says, sounding so sure I'm slightly convinced. "Although, I wasn't there long before coming to find you, he did not glance at her once."

"He doesn't remember me. How can I even look him in the eye when he doesn't know about Nessie and he can't even remember me?" I ask, succumbing to misery once again.

I can't get my head to quiet. There is too much rattling around in there, making coherent thought impossible.

"You could tell him," Carlisle suggests, staring down at me where I sit in my pile of mulch. "Walk him through your past."

"Oh what good would that even do?" I snap. "Every option will only lead to heartbreak."

"This is a chance to undo your heartbreak, Isabella," Carlisle murmurs.

"No," I whisper, wishing I could just cry. "It's not. Even if I tell him everything and he somehow accepts all the unbelievable that is Vanessa, what about Aro? Have you thought about that?"

Carlisle looks furious. Just as he does every time the vampire lord is mentioned.

"What do I do?" I ask, turning my panicked gaze on to Carlisle. 'Tell me what to do. Please, I just… what do I do?"

I don't think I've ever seen Carlisle quite so downtrodden as he slowly approaches and sits next to me.

"Not a day goes by when I don't grapple with all the guilt about what I did to you," he murmurs.

"Carlisle…" We've been through this countless times. When he first turned me I was so furious with him, convinced that he somehow robbed me of my chance at an afterlife with Edward. I was done, so tired of living half a person. It wasn't until I realized that Ness needed me that I calmed down, stopped hating him.

"You didn't ask for this life," he continues. "I forced it on you, driven a little mad with loneliness and curiosity. And never have I been more guilty than when I think about what you sacrifice to protect your daughter."

"It's fine."

"It's not fine. If any of the others knew the extent of your arrangement with the Volturi, if they knew what I let you do—"

"It's not up to you," I say with a hiss. "It's my decision. Up until now it wasn't a problem."

"Liar," Carlisle says. "It's always been a problem. It isn't who you are."

"I'm not anyone anymore, Carlisle," I murmur. "Until about an hour ago Nessie was my only reason for being. Nothing is going to stop me from protecting her. Even… even if it means I never get Edward back."

We sit in silence, both still too stunned to say anything.

He's here. He's alive.

Well, sort of alive.

What the fuck am I going to do?

"We should go back," I say into the sounds of the woods when the shock becomes more manageable.

"What are you going to do?"

"I have no fucking idea."

* * *

We walk back to the house, and I need the hours it takes to center myself.

"Ready?" Carlisle whispers as we make our final approach, I nod and we run the last couple hundred meters.

Taking one final breath that is already saturated with his vampire scent, I push through the door. The main living room area has emptied in the hours since I ran off. Alice, Esme, Tanya, and him remain and were joined at some point by Carmen. Upstairs, I hear the foreign footsteps and voices of two vampires. His companions, I suppose.

The two above start to engage in some very rough foreplay. This once would have fazed me, but I'm used to hearing the escapades of others. There really is no alternative when living with three other mated couples. Our house in Forks is built with soundproof walls, but there is no such thing as sound proofing for super human hearing, so the noise is quiet but not gone.

The Denial sisters used the same building materials here, thank goodness.

I need to take one thing at a time, and focus on greeting Carmen.

"Hey, Isa," she says with a warm smile. I cross the living room to pull her into a friendly hug. Carmen is one of my favorite people. "How's high school treating you?"

I can do this. I can make small talk. I know the answer to this question.

"Excellent," I reply, pulling away and forcing myself to refrain from staring at him. I can feel his eyes on me, and the compulsion to be near him is stronger than anything I've ever had to endure. I remember a similar feeling from when I was human, but like most things about being a vampire, the need to be near him has increased exponentially. "I got all A's on my finals!" I gush, imitating the tone of the high schoolers I'm forced to rub elbows with daily.

That gets a good chuckle from Carmen and the others.

"Bella's top of our class," Alice puts in. "That's mostly because she has nothing to do all night but study."

I scowl at my sister, and mess up her hair in retaliation, but Esme stops that.

"Children," she says. "Please, we are guests in this house. Mind your manners."

Alice and I separate but continue to glare at each other as I sit on a love seat next to Carmen. He sits catty corner from me in an easy chair, 12.45 feet away, but still I don't look at him even though his eyes are burning a hole in me.

"I'm going to have to fail something," I continue, trying to sound normal. "If I end up valedictorian I'll be forced to make a speech."

All the practice acting fine despite circumstance is paying off now. I embody fine. I project normality, even though my whole world has changed.

"Would that be so terrible?" asks Carmen with a giggle.

"Yes," I reply succinctly. "The absolute worst."

"You could fail gym," suggests Carlisle, standing behind the couch where his wife is seated.

"Oh that's right," says Alice. "You were a fucking clumsy human, wasn't she Carlisle?"

I tense at the mention of my human life, and it gets even more difficult to ignore his stare.

"You knew her when she was human?" _he_ asks suddenly, joining the conversation for the first time.

"Yes," Carlisle replies. He sends me a quick, worried glance that I hope no one else notices. "Bella did some volunteer work at the hospital where I worked when I turned her."

This is not a lie. There really is no reason for Carlisle to mention that I started volunteering there when he started shadowing Carlisle. I've had my shield firmly around my father figure since we came back, so I don't need to worry about him thinking it either.

"You worked in a hospital?" _he_ asks, shocked. I'm not surprised by his dismay. Most of our kind cannot even fathom the type of control Carlisle possesses. "A human hospital?"

"Still do," Carlisle replies with a somewhat cocky grin.

"He's never killed a human," Esme brags, grabbing Carlisle's hand and smiling up at him. And still, I don't look at _him_.

"Never?" _he_ basically shouts, clearly not believing a word being said. "Not even when you were a new born?"

"I didn't want to be responsible for the loss of innocent life," Carlisle says quietly.

_He _apparently tries to confirm this with Carlisle's thoughts and then frowns at me when he discovers that he's unable to do so. I study my shoes.

"I didn't know," the immortal version of the man I love mutters. There is such misery and self-loathing in his tone, I can't help but turn to him. I want to touch him. I want to run my fingers through his hair and provide some comfort. But I can't. Instead I just meet his reddish gaze. My breath catches at his beauty, his familiarity, and his obvious pain. I realize now that although he has been speaking to Carlisle, he has been looking at me. "I didn't know there was another way."

"Oh, it's more than possible," replies Carlisle. I try to tear my gaze away from my undead husband but fail. I've spent so long without him, now it seems I will never get enough of him. Even from a purely visual standpoint. "Perhaps you could go hunting with me later and I can tell you the whole story."

"I would like that very much," he replies, still looking at me. "Would you care to join us, Bella?"

My insides twist in pleasure and pain at the sound of my name on his lips. I continue to stare at him and feel as though avoiding him is going to be harder then I originally anticipated. We are having a moment.

But then motherfucking Tanya decides to plop herself down on my boy's lap. A growl rumbles in my throat, and everyone turns to look at me in confusion, but they don't say anything.

"Don't be silly, Edward," Tanya says. His name on her lips rattles around in my head as I imagine doing unspeakable things to her. All my various plans involve dismemberment and fire. "Bella just ate. I would love to hunt with you though."

He looks bemused and uncomfortable with Tanya's fawning, and stands, leaving my least favorite vampire alone in the armchair. I can't help but smile, and my eyes return to his as he moves to sit on the arm of the loveseat next to me.

None of us actually feel the need to sit, but we've been practicing being human for so long, the action is almost natural now. My former paramour seems to be picking it up quickly.

Obviously, all Tanya's claims of matedom were a wee bit premature. A slight smile ticks at the corner of my lips.

The energy in the room is obviously awkward, but no one says anything. The mystery vamps overhead reach climax, and the sounds, combined with my proximity to him make me squeeze my thighs together in arousal. He seems equally affected, his body tense as he stares down at me.

Oh goddamn it. He can probably smell me. If only my shield covered that.

"Oh, Bella," Alice says, attempting to dispel the tension she obviously doesn't really understand. "I forgot to tell you. Nessie called."

The mention of my – oh shit, I guess our – daughter has the positive outcome of quelling my desire, but I tense all over again as I realize that he is probably learning a lot about our child through Alice's thoughts.

Everyone besides the mind reader himself is now under my protection. He huffs in irritation.

"Is everything alright?" I ask in distress. He seems unconcerned with our conversation, and I hope that he assumes I see Nessie like a daughter just as Esme sees us as her children.

"She was just checking in," Alice replies. "Apparently you didn't have cell service, and she was worried when you didn't pick up."

I roll my eyes. I'm allowed to worry about her, but find it ridiculous when she worries about me.

"I'll call her in the morning. It's too late now," I say quietly, going back to ogle him. Too many people are staring at me, and I hate being the center of the attention so I recline in my seat and try to disappear.

"She's becoming quite the snowboarder," Esme explains to Carmen. Conversation flows as the family shares their various experiences with winter sports, and I tune everything out except him. The inane chatter, the couple finishing up a floor above us, the death glare I'm receiving from Tanya. Nothing else matters nor has ever really mattered except the boy sitting next to me, staring down at me with an intensity I never thought I would witness again.

"Hi," he says softly, in a feeble attempt at a little privacy I assume.

"Hello," I reply. If I was still a human I would be blushing like a fucking turnip.

"I'm sorry about before," he murmurs, running his hand through his hair and making me smile. "I've just never met a shield before. I'm used to a constant buzzing in my head but with you things are miraculously silent."

I just nod and internally do a little victory dance. I'm thrilled he can't hear my thoughts. They would bring us nothing but problems.

"I'm Edward, by the way," he says, extending a hand for me to shake. I eye it warily, not knowing if I can handle the shock of feeling his skin again. "We were not properly introduced before."

Edward. I need to get used to thinking his name again. Edward. Edward. Edward. It feels uncomfortable in my mind. Like exercising a long forgotten muscle.

"I'm Bella," I reply, slowly reaching out to accept his hand. Although I'm braced for the contact, I can't help the needy whimper that escapes my throat at the divine torture that is Edward's touch. The poor guy was nowhere near prepared for the spark between us, and he audibly gasps when we make contact.

"Wow," he whispers, looking from my face to our joined hands and back in apparent awe. I know just what he's thinking. Mind reading powers be damned.

"I know," I reply, leaning closer to him without making any conscious decision to do so. The length of my arm grazes his thigh, and we both whimper again. We drown in each other eyes, just like every romantic stereotype that has made me nauseous in the last century. But I can't help but acting like a lovesick fool.

Edward is right here with me.

Suddenly Edward growls low in his throat, his attention turning to Tanya. He crouches defensively in front of me, hissing and snapping at her with narrowed eyes and bared teeth. His face is contorted with rage, and nothing of the human man I loved remains. It's a cruel and abrupt reminder that my husband really is gone, and I don't know the vampire in front of me that looks so much like him.

It takes me a moment to realize he's reacting to her thoughts. I'm shocked to realize that I stopped including her in my stretched out protection. The lack of my mental awareness alarms me.

Everyone but Carlisle tenses, prepared to defend Tanya against this stranger. This situation must be defused because no one will hurt Edward. I won't let them.

Instinctively, I reach out and run my hand down the length of his spine. My touch calms him, just like it always has, and he turns to me, the anger present on his face a moment before it's replaced with surprise and lust.

"It's okay," I murmur, quickly removing my hand before the temptation to jump him becomes too strong.

"It is not," he insists, frowning again. "You don't know what she was thinking."

We interact like we don't have an audience.

"I can guess," I say with a rueful smile. "Tanya and I go way back. Believe me, I can handle myself." I turn to flash Tanya a maniacal smile that clearly says "bring it, bitch."

"Bella," Carlisle says with mock seriousness, stepping in to alleviate some of the unease. "You promised to behave."

"Whatever you say, Pops," I reply.

"Oh, Carlisle," Tanya says, approaching my seat with a phony smile on her stupid, perfect face. "Bella knows I love her. Don't you, Bella?"

"Don't I just know it," I say, my voice overly sweet. Just like my false smile.

"Really, Edward," Tanya, continues, placing a hand on Edward's shoulder. I barely stifle the growl in my throat. "You shouldn't be so serious. Bella and I may fight like sisters but we also love like sisters."

Alice gracefully attempts to turn her giggle into a cough (ridiculous being as vampires don't cough) as Carmen elbows her in the ribs, obviously trying to contain her laughter herself. I simply roll my eyes and lean back in my seat.

"My apologies," Edward says stiffly, settling himself once again on the arm of my seat. "I did not know you could equate images of decapitation with love."

At his words, Alice, Carmen and I all lose it, deteriorating into hysterics. The corner of Esme's lips twitch and even Carlisle lets out a low chuckle. He - Edward – looks a little bemused by the laughing, but smiles shyly.

The pleasant expression falls off Tanya's face and she lets out a frustrated wail before storming out of the room and up the staircase.

What an infant.

Just as she departs, the strangers float down said staircase.

"Hello," says the blond male. His features are sharp and proportional, what most would call classically handsome. But I remain unimpressed. There is something about this vamp that makes me uncomfortable, and the creepy feeling only mounts when he turns his deep red eyes on me. "You must be Bella."

I rise as they approach, ready to take his hand in greeting. It's funny; these little bits of humanity that we carry over with us into our post human life. Even the Volturi use the old human way of greeting.

Handshakes that transcend death.

Edward keeps me from moving forward to meet his companions with a restraining hand on my elbow, and places his body in between us, somewhat protectively.

I wish I were wearing a short-sleeved shirt so I could feel his skin against mine again.

"James," Edward says in a clear warning. My boy must be addressing this stranger's thoughts. That certainly is going to take some getting used too.

James just grins, putting his palms up in an innocent gesture before reaching around Edward to take my hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," he murmurs with a smirk. I look at him dubiously as he places a lingering kiss on the top of my hand. What a smarmy little charmer. This is who my Edward has been paling around with for the last century? It hardly seems possible, yet none of this seems possible.

"Ditto," I reply, removing my hand and stepping closer to Edward. He smiles softly down at me before his eyes flash back to his companion.

"This is my mate, Victoria," James says, waving the tall red head forward.

"Hello," I say, shaking her hand too. Fucking hand shakes all around. I wonder when I will have made enough small talk to be able to politely excuse myself. I really want to crawl into bed and pretend to sleep.

Suddenly, my nightly meditation accompanied by the delusion of my dream husband feels a whole lot less comforting.

Rosalie says that it's impossible for vamps to get tired but she doesn't exert the mental energy I do just by existing. The shield business is draining stuff and the protection I've placed on Carlisle and the others, combined with the revelations of the day, makes me want to curl up and not move for at least sixteen hours.

"Hi," Victoria replies, obviously bored. I can feel Edward continuing to stare at me avidly. He runs a finger across the back of my palm, and I smile.

Damn, I am so fucked.

"So," James continues. "How long have you been a veg-head?"

"A while," I reply, matching Victoria's enthusiasm.

I am spared from further conversation with the arrival of the rest of the family. Eleazar hugs me, lifting me off my feet and spinning me in a circle. I laugh, thinking that he really is so much like Emmett. Irina and Kate give me similar embraces.

Everyone settles themselves around the living room, pretty much dividing up by clan and sitting with their mates. I hate not having a mate. At least Tanya, Kate, and Irina have each other to share the burden of eternal loneliness. Well, each other and the pleasure of countless male companions.

But then I realize that I've somehow ended up on a love seat with Edward. My whole body tingles from his close proximity.

Everyone chats, getting to know each other. The underlying tension and distrust of this James individual is present in the room, and I know my family is on edge. I don't trust him, nor do I know what he's capable of. I pull my stretched out shield a little tighter around my family, adding the new additions. Edward glances at me.

Even if we have them out numbered thirteen to two. Not that it would come to a fight, but still.

Shit, I counted Edward as one of us.

The conversation is trite, so I just stare dreamily at Edward.

"Tonight we're going out," announces Irina. "To a local club. We need to get our groove on."

"Yes," says Alice, leaning over Jazz and Em to give Rose a high five.

"Wear something real slutty, babe," suggests Emmett, receiving a smack on the back of the head.

"I forgot how wild things get when the Cullen's are in town," muses Kate.

"Count me out," Esme says. "I'm too old to keep up with you."

"Esme, darling," replies Tanya. "I've got centuries on you."

"Even so," Esme says with a chuckle. "No club for me tonight. Or Carlisle."

"Well, you heard the lady," says Carlisle. "Ah the beauty of marriage."

Carmen and Eleazar bow out as well and James and Victoria decide to run to Anchorage to hunt people instead. Their presence in the house makes me uncomfortable, but it means that Edward is here, so I over look it.

All eyes turn to Edward and I.

"No," I say before Alice and Rosalie can badger me. "Hell no. I'm tired."

Edward raises an eyebrow at me.

"Bella, don't be ridiculous," cajoles Alice. "You're going."

"Am not."

"You're fucking going," snaps Rosalie. "Don't be a whiney little bitch about it."

Edward tenses next to me.

"You can't make me." Lord, I sound like a child.

"Please, Bells," Emmett says, joining the fray. "Things are always more fun when you come out with us."

"No it's not! I'm really sullen and anti-social the whole time," I reply.

"Yeah, and it's a fucking riot watching you ward off human males, and the occasional female, attention," puts in Jasper. Edward scowls at that one, and I have to sit on my hands to refrain from wiping away the furrow between his brows with my thumb.

"I don't even know why all of you are bothering to argue with her," Alice says. "She's coming and she knows it."

"No means no, Alice," I reply.

She just stares at me, and several hours later I somehow find myself seated in front of a vanity while Alice does something to my hair and Rosalie lines my eyes with black.

"Can we please talk about this Edward character," Alice says. The boys took Edward hunting while we get ready so there is no fear of us being overheard. Except by Tanya, but who gives a fly fuck about that bitch? "He is quite taken with you, Ms. Isabella Cullen."

I just shrug and try to keep my face impassive.

"It's fucking creepy," says Rosalie. "What is with all the staring?"

"Yeah, Bella," Alice continues. "You're looking at him the same way he's looking at you."

"I never thought I'd see the day, but Bella Cullen is smitten with a man. A sexy vamp man," says Rosalie.

I continue to sit in silence as I try to ignore them.

"Rose, do my super human vampire ears deceive me, or is that silence I hear from Isabella?" My sisters are really starting to piss me off.

"Why, Alice, I do believe that you are right," replies Rosalie. "No 'my mate died ninety five years ago, I'm meant to be alone'? No ridiculous obsession with a long gone human?"

"Don't be a bitch, Rose," I say with a sigh. They have no idea.

"Alright, let's not get caddy, ladies," interrupts Alice before Rose can respond. "Bella, will you please just tell us what you think of Edward?"

"He seems nice," I reply.

"Nice!" Alice and Rose both yell at the same time.

"Yeah, nice. What else do you want me to say?" I ask.

"She did just meet the guy," Alice says, going back to my hair and talking to Rose. "They don't even know each other."

Oh little Alice, you are only half right.

"Well, she should fucking get to know him," Rosalie says. "If you know what I mean."

"Oh, I know what you mean," says Alice.

"Everyone knows what you mean," I grumble as Alice and Rose giggle.

"When was the last time you got to know a man," Rosalie asks. "During the Eisenhower administration?"

"Yeah, that's about right, actually," I reply. Aro doesn't count, so this statement is actually accurate.

Holy fuck. I cheated on Edward.

In a panic, I glance down to the ring I still keep on my left hand. I take it off only to get it cleaned or sometimes when I'm hunting. Even then I wear it on a chain, right next to a locket that contains his picture. The wedding band has a whole different meaning now. I wish vampires could vomit. It would make my stomach feel better I think.

"So are you going to fuck Edward tonight or what?" Rose demands. I've gotten very good at hiding what I feel away in my head, keeping it off my face. They don't even notice that I'm screaming on the inside.

"Must you be so crass?" I ask with a sigh.

"Must you act like a uptight prude from the year nineteen and fucking twelve?" she counters. I can't help but smile at that one.

"I am from nineteen and fucking twelve," I point out.

"Bella," Rose says, putting her hands on either side of my face and forcing me to stare at her. "If you love me, even a little bit, you will seize the day and fuck this nomad until his eyes pop out."

"Gross, Rose," mutters Alice.

Tanya bursts into the room at this moment, shooting daggers at all three of us.

"Hurry up," she says. "The boys are almost back."

* * *

This club is like all clubs. It's dark, smells bad, and my shoes stick to the floor. People drink too much and wear too little. As usual, I really have no earthy idea why this appeals to my friends and family.

The Denali sisters come here to hunt, driven by lust but not the blood kind. My siblings never go out when we're at home, but do when they're here because Alice and Rose like to get dressed up and dance. Jazz and Em do pretty much whatever their lady folk want.

I immediately find a table in the corner, needing a spot to get some distance from it all. My siblings head for the dance floor and the Denali's head for the bar, leaving Edward and I alone at the table.

Even with the crowds and the awful music, I feel like I'm in my own little world with Edward. I'm just still so in awe of this, of him. Even if I have my doubts, even if this may lead to a crushing disappointment when this vampire version of my husband proves too different from the original, I feel more content then I have in a hundred years.

Since he joined on as a medic without even discussing it with me.

He's alive. Or at least, he's not totally dead. He exists like I do.

If this whole thing ends in heartbreak again, just knowing that some version of him exists out there somewhere will bring me joy.

"This is definitely not my scene," Edward says, grimacing slightly at the writhing bodies on the dance floor. Until this moment, the pain he must feel from the unfulfilled blood lust doesn't even cross my mind. As a vampire who has not killed a single human, I take my control for granted. If Edward is suffering, then I'm suffering too. That's how it's always worked.

"Is it painful for you?" I ask with concern.

"Well," he replies thoughtfully, "yes. But James loves places like this, so I'm not a stranger to this kind of environment. It's different now, obviously, and my throat is on fire, but I wasn't really referring to the urge to kill. Even human, I don't think I would enjoy a club like this. It's all too public. I don't like being around so many people, be they vampire or mortal."

"This isn't really my scene either," I confess, blinking up at him and wishing he would kiss me. In the last twenty-four hours, I've been in a perpetual state of wishing he would kiss me.

That and freaking out about a whole laundry list of issues.

"Shall we get some air?"

"Okay." I take his hand, letting him pull me out of the booth and outside into the crisp Alaskan summer night. He puts an arm around my shoulders, and we stand in silence outside of the small club for a moment, staring up the not quite dark sky and the mountains beyond.

I glance at him, realizing that he isn't looking at the sky at all, but is completely focused on me. There is a small crease between his brows, indicating that he is deep in thought.

I wonder if Edward is feeling everything I'm feeling. It must be so confusing, if he is. Our magnetic attraction to each other makes no sense without knowledge of our combined history. It also explains a good chunk of our history.

"Bella?" he asks, sounding so unsure and young.

"Yes, Edward?" I reply, meeting his gaze.

"I…"

"Yes?" I prompt.

"I don't understand," he says after endless seconds of silent observation.

"What don't you understand?" I ask, a moment away from confessing everything. That we are technically still married. That I lost myself when I thought he was gone. That we have a daughter, who grows daily, even if the pace, is extraordinarily slow. That we knew each other from birth and loved each other for the entirety of our human lives and that I don't understand myself, without him.

"Why can't I hear you?" he asks, referring to my thoughts. My shoulders sag in disappointment, and I look back at the mountains, but I let him keep his arm around me. For one second I let myself hope that something would come back to him, that I was important enough to leave an impression.

Guess not.

"Defensive mechanism," I reply. "Self preservation."

"I want to know everything about you," he blurts, studying his feet.

"You'll get there," I assure him, although I'm not convinced. With every fiber in my being, I wish that he could remember. Yet, at the same time, I'm offended he doesn't and pissed the fuck off he left me in the first place.

"Really?"

"Yes," I say. "If you stick around."

"I would love to stick around," he replies. "If you'll have me."

How ridiculous. Of course I would have him.

"You are welcome to come back to Forks with us," I say with a little too much enthusiasm.

"That would please me greatly," he says, pulling me closer into his chest. "I have been tired of this nomadic life for quite some time now."

"Is that what you have always known? Have you always been a nomad?" I ask, desperate to know what he has been doing for the last century.

But unfortunately having some idea I knew it included murder and mayhem and darkness.

"Yes. We can never stay in an area for long. It's tedious, but I've never really had another option. I really only need to feed once a month, but James has a large appetite." Edward scowls and I shiver involuntarily, thinking of all that James must have killed in this life. "Have you been a 'vegetarian' long?"

"Since rebirth," I reply as Edward gapes at me in shock. "I was the first sibling."

"What do you mean?"

"I was Carlisle's first child," I explain, knowing he understands something of our family structure from the thoughts of my siblings. "For hundreds of years, he was so lonely. He knew me when I was human and apparently couldn't resist the opportunity to get some company. So he turned me. I was on the brink of death. Not that it really mattered to me as I was already dead inside anyway."

"What do you mean?" Edward asks.

I pause, trying to decide what to say.

"I lost my love," I say, trembling as I look into Edward's face. "Or at least I thought I did. I think that's why I didn't fight when I got sick."

"They say its better to of loved and lost," he muses.

"Does this mean you have never experienced a great love?" I ask, my stomach turning in anticipation of the answer.

"None that I can recall," he says with a deep chuckle. I tense against him because this is the perfect opportunity to remind him, but I won't. I can't. "What was your love like?"

A semi-hysterical giggle bursts through my lips for a moment before I get a hold of myself.

"Beautiful. Kind. Generous. Grumpy. He was a fascinating combination of seriousness, wit, and innocence. I knew him my whole human life, and something broke in me when he died. He left me because of some twisted sense of honor and duty to become a solider."

"When was this?"

"Oh, around 1916."

"He fought in the Great War?" Edward asks quietly. "I wonder if I knew him."

Fucking shit. How am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Edward. You did in fact know him because you are magically one in the same. Never leave me again.

Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. I don't have the courage. He was always the brave one.

But then Edward chuckles ruefully to himself, and I'm saved from answering. "I don't remember anything about my human life, so it wouldn't even matter if you told me his name."

"You don't remember anything at all?" I ask, pushing him to try to remember.

"No," he replies. "I woke up after the burning in a tattered and bloody French uniform. James and Victoria didn't know anything of my life before. They just took pity on a dying solider. All I had on me was a letter."

"A letter?" I squeak.

"Yes, addressed only to "my dearest, moronic, Edward Anthony Masen Jr."

"Who wrote it?" I ask, but I already know the answer.

"I'm not sure, a woman, definitely. Maybe a wife, maybe a girlfriend, it's impossible to say. I think she may have thought she loved me, but she was obviously so angry with me for being there." I bite my bottom lip, mostly to keep myself from laughing or talking or completely losing my shit. "It's signed love always, IMM."

IMM or Isabella Marie Masen. And I had never been surer of the love always bit.

My memory from my human life is unusually strong, but not good enough to remember that damn letter.

"Where were you from?" I ask, the words spoken so softly they almost disappear into the night.

"Chicago. Or at least that was the address on IMM's envelope. You?"

"Believe it or not, the same," I reply.

"Wow," he says with a laugh. "We could have been neighbors."

"I would have remembered you," I reply, bitter that he still has no inkling that I even existed, that I meant everything to him or that we were neighbors our whole life.

Edward tilts his head to the side, trying to understand my tone. Already I know he does this gesture when he wants to hear a thought more clearly. Not with this head he won't.

"We are from the same time. I wonder if I loved her," he muses, making it incredibly difficult to appear unaffected. Somehow I manage to keep my body still even as I internally freak out. "You would think I wouldn't have wanted to go. Sometimes I think if I was really in love, I wouldn't have left."

His words break my already shattered heart and confirm my deepest fears at the same time.

"But then again," he continues. "That is one hundred years of loneliness talking. I just did not fully appreciate having someone. I know I loved her."

"How do you know?" I whisper, looking at him for the first time and forgetting to worry about what he sees in my expression.

"I just know."

This makes me feel slightly better.

Maybe I should tell him. If I plan on spending any real amount of time with him, I have to summon the courage to confess to our shared past. My head is too scrambled to figure out how.

"So, has there been anyone since?" I ask, a little too casually.

"No," he says with a rueful chuckle and a shake of the head.

"Is it strange that I already invited you to come back to Forks?" I ask, deciding that the territory we just covered was a little too dangerous.

Edward throws back his head and laughs. The sound is so blessedly familiar I would cry with joy if I still processed the ability.

"Everything about you is strange, Bella," he tells me, running his thumb over my cheekbone. The move has my knees buckling, and I reach out to hold on to his waist to steady myself. "And for that I am very grateful."

He looks into my eyes intently. He always did love my eyes, and I wonder if he would remember if they were still brown.

I look back at his eyes, missing the green version. The color reminds me of the life he's been living since 1917, and it makes me so sad. The Edward I knew was all about saving lives. At least enough of that humanity remains that he's interested in the all animal diet.

"This is crazy," he murmurs, his eyes never leaving mine. "I'm… you baffle me. I've never felt like this. It's like we're connected."

I look away because I feel so guilty for my cowardice. He has already given me so many opportunities to come clean, to tell him the truth. But I just can't bring myself to overcome the irrational hurt that he's forgotten me and the fear that a confession will be too much, that it will somehow drive him away.

"Let's run away," I say. Suddenly the thought of going back into that crowded club or the Denali's house is abhorrent to me. I want Edward all to myself, without the fear that someone in my family will think something to give me away. Without Tanya lurking around and trying to steal what's been mine practically since birth. Without his creepy companions and their thoroughly vampiric lifestyle.

"What?" he asks, blinking down at me. He probably thinks I'm thoroughly crazy, the way I've been behaving. To him this is the first time we've met while I am just reveling in the joy of finally being reunited with my husband, with my love.

It must look so very different to the two of us.

"Let's just go," I say, grabbing both his hands and pleading with him. "I want to run, need to run. There are two many humans and vampires in Alaska, you said it yourself. It won't take long to get to Forks and there's no one there at all."

"You want to be alone with me?" he clarifies.

"Yes," I reply, deciding to be honest about just this one thing.

"What about your family?"

"They don't need me here. My siblings just dragged me here for the entertainment value of the way Tanya and I fight. Plus, they'll be thrilled that I'm doing something so out of character," I say, my excitement growing at the thought of running with Edward and being alone with Edward.

"So you don't make a habit of running off with strange men?" he asks with a slight chuckle.

"Please, just come with me?"

"What about James and Victoria?" I notice that he doesn't refer to them as family. I have all sorts of questions about his time with them, why he has spent so long with such unpleasant and creepy vampires.

But there is time. We have time, all the time in the world.

Assuming he doesn't freak out when he knows the truth. Assuming I ever pluck up the courage to tell him.

"Edward," I say before he can throw another excuse at me. "Forget all that. What do you want to do? Do you want to go with me?"

He looks at me for a long moment. I stand their, feeling queasy. I know its impossible and totally mental given what I am, but I do feel sick and unsteady with the possibility that he'll refuse me. But then that crooked smile blooms on his face. I know he's with me.

"I need to get my backpack. It's in the car."

"Edward, do you want to go with me?" I repeat.

"When shall we go?" he asks.

I pull out my cell, texting Alice and Carlisle to let them both know that neither Edward nor I will be returning to the Denali house any time soon. My family will look after my things. Alice won't understand my seemingly crazy actions, but Carlisle will.

"Right now."

* * *

**Oh Bella, what are you doing?**

**Review if you feel so inclined.  
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**Next chapter should be up real soon.  
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	3. Special

**Wow. The response to this story so far has been crazy awesome. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, favoriting, altering, whatever. This bad boy was reced over at A Different Forest, so that's pretty wondeful as well.**

**Dowlingnana is a lovely beta.  
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**I don't own.  
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* * *

I let out a frustrated growl when Edward makes it to the edge of the cliff a split second before me. I'm used to being the fastest in my family, and I'm having a hard time accepting defeat. It is so irritating I stomp my foot and pout like a child.

"I told you I'd win," he says, gloating and grinning, arms held high above his head in victory. "I don't know if I've ever met anyone faster than me."

"You, Edward, are extremely cocky," I tell him.

"And you, Bella, are a terrible loser," he replies. The way he says my name is a heady thing. It takes me right back. Somehow I'm able to swoon internally while I continue to pout about my loss.

I sigh heavily, shaking my head at him as I turn to take in the view. There is a river at the bottom of the cliff with mountains and forests beyond.

"It's lovely," he murmurs. I smile because sometimes he even talks just the same, despite all this time. Even with the vulgar vamps he's spent the last century with.

"That it is," I reply. "Usually I stop here, going to or from the Denali's. It's one of my favorite spots."

"Do you see them often?"

"Often enough by immortal standards. Carlisle met Tanya, Irina, and Kate some time during the seventeenth century. Us vegetarians have to stick together, after all," I say.

He chuckles slightly at my family's little inside joke.

I want to ask him about Tanya but lose my nerve. He's here with me, right? That obviously means something.

"You're family," he murmurs, his expression unfathomable. It tears me up to think about the way he's lived, so loveless and brutal. "I didn't think it was possible."

When I grab his hand he gives me an appreciative smile.

"It's a good unlife," I say, nodding. "And something you could have too, if you wanted."

"There aren't many like you, Bella. I could search a thousand years and fail to find what you've created."

"I think you already did," I tell him, smiling sadly. "Find it, I mean."

He looks at me with a mixture of skepticism and awe. "How can you say that?" he asks, cocking his head to the side as he studies me. "You don't even know me."

I just smile ruefully and tug on his hand.

"Come on," I say, pulling him back into the forest. "Let me show you my home."

* * *

"So how does it work?" he asks, stopping when the house comes into view. I attempt to see it through his eyes, with its floor to ceiling windows and elegant lines. Esme has an eye for design, and the home she created here blatantly defies all the stereotypes. It's bright and luxurious. The one place we can truly be ourselves.

It makes me so sad, that he hasn't had a home. That he has been wandering for a hundred years.

"How do you manage to stay in one spot?"

"Well, it's easier when you're not hunting the towns' folk. This is only the second time we've lived here. We have to move on before anyone notices we don't age," I explain. "I like Forks, even with the burden of high school, but we can probably only stay for a few more years."

"You're existence is so different from mine," he murmurs, dragging his eyes away from the house to look at me again. "I never even thought about there being other options for us."

I grab his hand and smile at him softly because he just looks so forlorn. It's like his life, his decisions, his means for survival, are all haunting him. Already he has so much to process. I want to make it better, somehow, but if I tell him the truth it will only make things worse.

"You have choices, Edward," I say. He squeezes my hand and it warms me to my very core. "The animals we hunted on the way here weren't too bad, were they?"

Edward makes a face and I laugh. I've been on this special diet so long I don't even really notice the cravings anymore. Even as a newborn bloodlust it never really got to me.

Just another way I'm special, I suppose.

But Edward has always fully indulged in his vampire nature. It will take some getting used to, if he decides it's something he wants to do at all.

I don't want to think of the alternative, if he chooses to eat people. I don't know if we'll be able to be together if that's the case.

Not with Vanessa. No way.

That would require me telling him about Vanessa. And, if I tell him about our daughter, then I have to tell him about all of it.

Shit.

I'm really getting ahead of myself. There are so many factors keeping us apart. He may not even like me. After all, he doesn't even remember me.

That and I've been lying horribly to him since walking into the Denali's several days ago.

"The mountain lion wasn't terrible," he begrudgingly admits.

This makes me smile and giggle. Without really thinking about it I throw myself at him, hugging him tightly. After only a brief moment of hesitation he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer and off the ground. My body seems to deflate in relief as I melt in to him. The feeling of being held by him again is so divine; I have to stifle a sob in my throat. It is so right and so strange all at once, to be this near him again.

To me it's like we've never been apart.

I turn my head, pressing my nose in to his neck and breathing in deep. Everything I loved about his smell before is amplified now, more potent as a result of his transformation.

When he tightens his grip once more, I'm thankful to be so unbreakable. Surely he would crush a human.

I close my eyes, reveling in the moment but letting the memories over take me at the same time – touching him and loving him and just being with him.

Keeping my face tucked against his smooth neck, I push my hand into the hair at the back of his head. His fingers trace the length of my spine and his breathing becomes ragged.

"Bella." His voice is husky, full of need and confusion.

The sound breaks the spell for me and I quickly remove myself from his body, taking a few rushed steps back. He blinks at me, bemused and saddened by my sudden departure. Edward opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, knowing I don't have the strength to carry on like this.

"Come on," I say, nodding towards the house. "Let me give you the tour."

* * *

I cross my arms over my chest and lean against a wall, smiling as I watch Edward in the library. His eyes are bright as he goes over each title, muttering under his breath and occasionally pulling one out to read the back.

He is so excited. Like a child at Christmas.

"You have so many books," he declares without turning away from the shelves.

"That we do," I reply.

"I love to read, although it's rare I get my hands on a decent book. Have you read many of these?"

"All of them," I say, feeling a little embarrassed.

"All of them?" He turns to gape at me now.

"There's not a lot to do at night," I explain. "No one's ever around."

"But you live with six other vampires," he says.

I let out a little giggle. "You travel with a mated pair," I remind him. "Their alone time is important to them."

Now Edward is the one to look embarrassed.

"Ah," he says as he clears his throat. "Yes, Right."

I wonder if he is thinking what I am thinking. I wonder if he is thinking about sex with me.

I shake my head violently because that line of thinking just will not do.

Ten minutes later Edward finally has his fill of the library. My guess is that he has mentally cataloged everything he wants to read in the future. I hope he is here long enough to go through all of it.

But that would require me sharing so many things.

I am so confused.

I bring him upstairs next, dragging him along by the hand. He looks everywhere so quickly and intently, as if he is trying to memorize it. He gets to the landing between floors and he stops us, jerking on my hand. I turn and smile when he is staring at our high school art.

"Are these graduation caps?" he asks, studying the larger farmed work that has all our caps lined together in a gradient of color. Some are over sixty years old, when we first got really good at blending in to the human world.

"It's an inside joke. We matriculate a lot," I explain with a shrug. He laughs and lets me pull him up the stairs behind me. We walk down the hall and I point out various rooms. We don't go in to any of my family's bedrooms, but he lingers in the doorway of Carlisle's office.

"Do you want to go in?" I ask, stepping in front of him. "There are more books. I know how you like books. Also some really old stuff."

"Are you sure?" he asks, sticking only his head through the doorway and looking wary. "I wouldn't want to disturb anything."

And I do see his point. Carlisle's study is packed with ancient relics, priceless heirlooms from his 400 plus years on the planet. But still, it's not like Edward is going to accidentally break anything. Vampires don't have accidents.

"Yes," I say with a giggle, grabbing his hand again. I wonder if he's gotten used to that spark between us yet. I sure haven't, nor do I think I ever will. "If Carlisle was here he would give you the full tour, complete with the details of his history. It lasts hours and is pretty cool the first time, but it's gotten old in the last fifty-years or so."

Edward goes back to studying the shelves. I go back to studying Edward.

He pauses for a long time when he gets to the large old desk in the middle of the room. I move to stand next to him to see what has him so captivated.

It's a photograph of Carlisle and me in an ornate iron frame. Esme took it sometime in early 1928, insisting that we need to document our history for Ness to look back on when she grew up. Carlisle sits in a tall-back chair while I stand with him, rather conservatively dressed compared to many of that time, my hand on his shoulder.

I quickly look at Edward, trying to see what he sees in the picture. It was taken in the apartment we briefly shared as newlyweds.

His eyes are dark and his expression grim, but I have no idea what he's thinking.

"What is it?" I murmur, resting my hand on his shoulder. He jumps slightly at the contact, but doesn't remove his eyes from the old black and white photo.

"It's nothing." His tone clearly indicates that it is definitely something. I roll my eyes because this sullen, quiet, in his head Edward is something I clearly remember.

"Edward," I say, leaving no room for argument. "It is obviously something. Just tell me."

Does he remember? Does he recognize the apartment? Is some little memory of our past working its way in to his immortal brain?

"I have no right to ask," is his very disappointing reply.

"Yes, you do. You have the right to ask me anything, especially now that I've kidnapped you," I say, tugging slightly at his arm.

At last I've elicited a smile from him. He turns to look at me now.

"You and Carlisle," he says, speaking slowly. This conversation is taking an unexpected direction. "He mentioned that he knew you before you turned."

"Yes," I say, excited again. I wish with all my might that he's about to have a break through, that he's about to remember something, anything that will make it easier for me to explain.

Because despite my denial for the last couple days, I know I can't go on not explaining forever. Because I need him around forever. I need him to need to be around forever.

Nessie is going to be the most difficult bit, though if his reaction isn't positive to her, then there isn't any hope for us anyway.

Or maybe it will be Aro because there will be no wonder there, just rage and disgust.

"He changed you, then? Did you know about him? Is that what you wanted?"

Now he's losing me. I don't see how any of this is important or relevant.

"I had no idea about him until I woke up like this," I reply. He nods and I know it was the same for him. We both thought we were going to die before the burning and woke up immortal. It really is a very bizarre sensation. "Carlisle would never have turned me if I wasn't dying. And right after, I didn't want it at all, but now I'm glad."

Otherwise I would have missed you. Otherwise Nessie would never have come in to the world.

"I suppose I feel the same," he murmurs, going back to look at the picture. "Although I don't think I did until you walked in to the Denali's house."

I beam at him and melt a little. He is still just too perfect. I hope he means it.

"Shit," he mutters, hands going to his hair. I smile wider with the familiar gesture. "That was too forward. I apologize."

"You don't have to."

"It wasn't a line," he insists, grabbing my hands earnestly. "Repeating that in my head, it sounded like a line."

"I know," I say, touching his cheek to soothe him. He leans into my fingers, closes his eyes, and sighs.

"Do you have a history with Carlisle?" he asks without moving. I drop my fingers in surprise at the question and he opens his eyes.

"A history" I ask, speaking slowly. "Well, yeah. I've known him for a century."

"A romantic history," he clarifies, looking uncomfortable.

I just stare at him for a moment before completely deteriorating into hysterical laughter. The thought is just so absurd to me. It takes me longer than it should to compose myself.

"I take that as a no?" Edward says hopefully. Something about his boyish expression and the situation has me laughing again. He even lets out a few chuckles with me, shaking his head.

At some point I snort a little and call it quits.

"Why are you asking, Edward? Don't tell me you're jealous," I say, still grinning like an idiot.

"Fine," he says, looking away. He crosses his arms over his chest, and I realize I've managed to upset him. "I won't tell you then."

I put my arms around his neck, pleased as his hands come to rest at my waist.

"I like you jealous," I whisper. Once again those red eyes throw me off, but I'm getting used to it. It helps that the animal blood he's been ingesting for the last week has made the color very pale.

"Do you?" he says, smirking at me now.

I just nod, never taking my eyes off his.

Things go silent. It's a kissing kind of moment. I can feel it, almost like something is compelling me to move my lips closer to his. Edward moves first, bending his face ever so slightly in my direction.

That's about the time I freak out, slipping out of his arms and heading towards the office door. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but something keeps me away. Maybe he won't meet the expectations in my memory. Maybe he won't like it. Maybe it feels too much like I'm tricking him.

"Come on," I say, turning back to smile at him. Edward frowns slightly, but does what I say. "We still have two more floors to get through."

The tension dissipates as I show him the rest of the house, but it comes rushing back when we get to my room. It's large, with two of the four walls made up of windows. A third wall is entirely composed of books and albums, all categorized by date and then alphabetized within the year it was released.

I have nothing to do at night.

As I open the door and Edward steps in behind me, I get a little nervous. There are pictures of Nessie everywhere, but they are all pretty recent. Most are in black and white due to Alice's most recent artistic phase. It is impossible to tell what she is without meeting her so there is nothing to tip Edward off.

Except that she looks just like him.

And part of me what's him tipped off.

It's very strange, wishing something would tip him off and dreading it at the same time.

"So this is your room, huh?" he asks. I wonder if he is as nervous as I am. I mean, there is a fucking giant bed right over there. "It's very nice."

He looks at the fucking giant bed.

"Thank you."

Clasping his hands behind his back, he walks around and studies things, just as he did in every other room. The only difference is that now it's my room so it feels like he is studying me. This only makes me more nervous.

The bed is right there.

I open a window because I need something to do. Also, my room already reeks of him. I'll not be able to get anything done if his scent lingers, if he leaves again.

"So, is this the famous Nessie?" he asks.

"Yes," I say, nodding at the picture. It was taken a year ago when we were all living on the east coast. I'm smiling slightly, but there is still something sad about me. I was thinking about Edward, missing him. Nessie, on the other hand, is smiling widely. She has her arms around me and is the only thing to make me smile on such a regular basis. "That's my Ness."

"Everyone in your family thinks of her often," he says. "It's very unusual for me, to see how they all love each other. You really are a family, with siblings and parents. I didn't think it was possible for vampires to have those types of relationships."

"The animal blood makes us less savage than the typical vamp, takes the competition out of survival. That probably has something to do with it," I reply.

Edward nods before moving to my wall of shelves. Again he looks at every book. He's even worse about the albums.

"Have you ever heard of an iPod?" he asks, continuing to flip through my collection.

"I have an iPod, thank you very much," I reply. "I just prefer vinyl. I'm a purest."

"Let's see what you're been listening to, shall we?" Edward moves to the record player, placing the pin and turning it on.

My whole body tenses as I anticipate the sounds of Clair de Lune coming through the speakers. It was always his favorite to play. It was his first selection when Mr. Masen brought home a gramophone. We danced to it many times.

Edward smiles in approval at the song and I wonder if this is going to be the moment.

"Debussy," he murmurs, staring hard at the speakers and cocking his head to the side. I failed to accurately remember how adorable he is when he's bemused. "I'm not sure how I know that but it's beautiful."

My cold dead heart lurches in my chest. How many opportunities to tell the truth am I going to let sail on by? At least once more, apparently.

To keep all these truths bottled up inside I need a distraction.

I stand in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He still doesn't seem to get it, so I take his hand and put it on my hip. I hold his other hand and stare up at him expectantly.

Edward just gulps audibly and stares down at me, obviously uncomfortable. I melt again because he has these moments of totally innocence. It is just remarkable, given the way he has lived for the last century. I tried to ask for details as we ran down here, but his face got dark and he quickly changed the subject.

There is a lot of pain in his past. A lot of death.

I sway and move my feet to the music, but he doesn't move.

"Edward," I say, slightly exasperated, "Dance."

He still looks so nervous, but moves his feet. I try not to giggle at how unnecessarily anxious he is.

"What?" I say as I take in how awkward he is acting.

"I don't dance," he admits, again looking embarrassed.

"Don't dance?" Edward not dancing: It's just so absurd.

"I haven't ever before," he replies quietly.

"I am sure that isn't true," I say, memories of dancing with him countless times during our human time together flicking through my head.

"I have an excellent memory," he replies, obviously irritated. I can't look him in the eye because that isn't totally true, obviously. "I am a vampire, after all."

"That you are," I murmur, still totally in awe over that little fact. "So you really don't remember anything, from before?"

I hold my breath as I wait for his answer.

"Nothing at all," he says. There is sorrow obvious in his voice and I ache for him. Ness and my memories were the only things to keep me going until the moment I walked into the Denali home and saw my long lost love. "The transformation is part of it, of course. But Victoria thinks it also has to do with the extent of my injuries from the war. Brain damage, apparently."

"So she changed you?" I ask as we continue to move in a small circle around my room. I crave to know every detail of our time apart. Even the bad parts.

"Yes. I still don't really know why. She can't really explain it and James wasn't happy about it, but she says she felt compelled to do it. She didn't change anyone before me and hasn't changed anyone since. I've always thought it odd," he replies.

Despite Carlisle's reasons, the bottom line is that my sire is unable to explain his uncharacteristic decision to change me as well. To steal my soul and rob me of the peace of death. I want to share all this, but instead I just nod, closing my eyes and taking a moment to be grateful for whatever had that scary woman changing my husband. Laying my head on his chest, I soak up the moment.

But then Clair de Lune ends. The moment is over. All I can see is Edward and the bed beyond.

If I have to look at my big, unnecessarily comfortable bed I might really lose it.

"Come on," I say, taking his hand and sprinting toward the open floor to ceiling window. We stop at the very edge and Edward looks a little surprised by my abrupt move.

"I thought this was the last stop on the tour," he says.

"The tour is over," I declare, studying the giant pine in front of me. "Now it's time to race."

"Race?" he says, chuckling at me. He smiles that cocky crooked smile at me and it makes my knees weak. It also makes me want to beat him. "Do you really want to put yourself through the humiliation of defeat again?"

I scowl at him.

"First one to climb to the top of this tree is the world's fastest vampire," I say. I touch his chest, tilling my chin up and smiling seductively up at him. "Think you can handle that?"

I intentionally keep my voice low and husky. I can tell by his wide eyes that I've succeeded in dazzling him. I lean in for a moment, letting out a breath and smiling at him.

"Go," I whisper, before leaping out of the window and scrambling up the tree.

Edward snaps out of it a moment later, growling slightly when he realizes why I was distracting him. He is milliseconds behind me but my distraction combined with my familiarity of this tree allows me to beat him.

"I win!" I declare unnecessarily when I reach the top. Edward tries to look stern but ends up returning my grin.

"You cheated," he points out, balancing perfectly on a wide branch five feet below me.

"I did not."

"Did too."

"Did not," I repeat. "You're a vampire. You can't slow down every time a pretty girl smiles at you."

"Pretty?" he says, shaking his head now. I scowl because there is no way he is actually hinting that he doesn't find me attractive. "That hardly covers it."

"What—"I'm about to ask for an explanation when the top portion of the tree that was supporting me splinters and breaks off completely. I let out a little growl in my surprise and irritation as I start to fall with the tangle of branches and needles. Luckily, I am a vampire with super awesome reflexes. It is not difficult to stop my fall, but unfortunately I end up upside down, swinging by my legs from a branch right above Edward.

It puts our faces really close together.

We stare at each other for a moment as I swing slightly before he succumbs to his laugher. I can't help but smile when I hear how familiar it is. Edward has to sit down, he is laughing so hard, and I go back to scowling at him.

This situation is really tainting my victory.

I just hang there for another moment, stewing in my humiliation as Edward collects himself.

"I still won," I point out, crossing my arms over my chest as Edward manages to get to his feet again. I swing slightly and feel ridiculous.

"Yeah, you sure showed me," he says being obnoxiously sarcastic.

I just growl at him again but it does nothing to tip the scales back in my direction. He just laughs some more.

"Come here," he says, lifting his arms towards me. I shake my head in refusal, not wanting his help, my long hair getting in his face as I do so. "Seriously, come on down. You've proved your point. You are the superior vamp."

"Absolutely not, you smug bastard, and it was the world's fastest vamp, I believe." He laughs again while I try not to smile. I was an extremely clumsy human, and Edward used to tease me for it constantly. But he didn't mind my lack of grace because it just meant I spent a lot of time hanging on to him for support.

It amazes me that Edward is witnessing my first clumsy moment as a vampire. Ever! "I can see your belly," he says, still smirking at me.

I look up to see that my green shirt has succumbed to gravity, exposing me from the tops of my jeans to the bottom of my black bra, with the pale skin of my stomach in between. Huffing in irritation I fix the garment and flip off of the branch at the same time, landing gracefully right next to Edward.

"Just don't say anything," I grumble when it looks like he is about to tease me again. I run my fingers through my hair and adjust my clothes, tucking the sliver locket back under my shirt. "I don't want to talk about it."

Edward looks at me just like he used to whenever he was feeling particularly in love with me. Oh, how I hope he is still in love with me; or falls back in love with me. I'm not sure exactly how this is supposed to work.

It still doesn't feel real, that he's right here with me.

And that I haven't told him. God, why can't I just tell him?

Why can't he just remember?

"Don't pout, love."

Love.

Edward doesn't even seem to notice, as nothing changes in his facial expression, but I absorb the endearment with my entire being. In fact he continues to talk and smile, but I've lost the ability to hear. It's like there is a soaring sound in my ears as every time he called me love in the past plays in my head.

Part of him remembers.

Part of him still loves me.

And that's when it all becomes too much for me. For the last four days I have been resisting the pull towards him because of my fear and anger. I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough to stay away from him when he's calling me love.

So I do the sensible thing and jump into his arms. Locking my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, I stare at him for a moment, letting him see everything I'm feeling and giving him a second to understand what's about to happen.

For the first time in a century, I kiss my husband.

Even with the amount of time I've spent remembering what it's like, fantasying about this, nothing could have prepared me for this moment of absolute wonder.

It's like my whole world comes in to perfect focus. When his lips move against mine, I feel it with my whole body. I feel it down to my bones and the spot my soul would be if I still had one. I would weep with the joy of it, if I could.

There is something poignant and painful about this. There is relief and love and sadness. He makes me feel everything, every ounce of my long gone humanity.

I try to keep it slow, light. To him this is our very first kiss. To me… well I've lived without this for ninety-five years, and now that I'm back here I can't wait another moment for more.

Edward's arms come around me, pulling me more firmly against him. He opens his mouth and I whimper as I reacquaint myself with his tongue and his taste. My fingers find their way into his hair, and I'm a little rough as I use it to change the direction of our kiss.

He doesn't seem to mind, if his groans are any indication.

Edward stumbles, sending us both against the truck of the tree. Wood cracks as he pushes me into it. Again, I'm thankful I'm so durable. I use my sneaker-clad feet to pull him closer, allowing me to grind into him.

We both whimper and nothing can compare to how good this feels.

It amazes me, how even though Edward's mind lacks the memories, his body knows just what to do. It's like his hands and mouth remembers what he can't. He somehow manages to touch every spot of mine that we discovered together, scraping his teeth under my jaw and pushing his thumb into the tender flesh next to my hipbone.

His hips move against mine as our lips meet again, and I feel like I might faint with the knowledge of the few layers of clothes that are preventing me from really touching him.

Skin to skin.

It would be so easy to tear off his pants.

"Edward." My voice is half murmur, half moan through my labored breaths. He pauses for a moment as if he's scared that I'm going to tell him to stop. "Take me to bed."

I don't want to fuck him in a tree. I want to make love to him in my bed where I've spent so many nights pretending he's next to me.

Even if it's totally wrong and I haven't told him anything.

But maybe this will trigger some memory? Hey, a girl can dream.

Edward gets us down from the tree and into my bed in less than a second. He pins me to the mattress, and I lift up, trying to get at him again, but he pulls away. I settle myself under him, content to just drink him up with my eyes for the moment as long as there is still the promise of more.

He strokes my cheeks with his thumb, slowly dragging his hard finger against my hard skin. Except it feels just the same, like we are both soft and warm and alive. I let out a shaking breath. This is so intimate. He's done this so many times, and he doesn't even realize it.

He stares at me so intently, like he's trying to figure something out. In my head I plead for him to remember.

There is probably something wrong about this. I probably should put a stop to it because I'm lying to him. And it's a lie I can't maintain. But he's right here, finally making all my dreams on lonely nights come true.

How could I tell him to stop?

"Bella," he breathes out just before he kisses me.

He's succeeded in slowing us down, and this kiss is as languid as it is steamy. Again, I don't know if I can take it. Everything feels so good, it borders on pain. I let him kiss me for a while without very much of our bodies touching at all. His hands stay on either side of my head while I stroke his face with my fingertips, moving over familiar planes. His waist rests in between my thighs, driving me a little bit crazy.

I could kiss him forever, literally, what with immortality and all that.

But I can't help but want more.

With shaking hands I manage to pull his sweater over his head. I expect him to return to my mouth immediately, but instead he pauses again.

The look on his face – a medley of lust, intensity, love, and fear – makes me think that he understands that this familiarity between us comes from somewhere. Maybe he is remembering.

"I've never done this before," he admits, looking embarrassed now.

I just blink at him in confusion for a few moments before I really understand what he's trying to tell me.

I have to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing in relief and guilt and frustration. It's just so absurd. I never managed to be as pure as him. That hasn't changed, even after all these years.

The wave of guilt makes me sick but I push it down, focusing on how good he feels and how much I love him.

"You don't know that for sure," I murmur. This is probably a good time to tell him. Should I tell him? "You don't remember your human life. And you're doing a fine job so far."

He smiles down at me with that look of wonder reserved just for me.

"Who _are_ you?" His husky voice seems to zap me right between the legs, and I rise up into him slightly. He closes his eyes for a moment before opening them again to wait for an answer.

Pale red has replaced green, but he still belongs to me.

"Isabella," I whisper: Your Isabella. That's what I really want to say.

"Isabella," he echoes, his eyes squinting with concentration.

I hold my breath because it seems like we are finally here. The way he says my name makes me think it is finally familiar to him.

When he moves to kiss me again, I'm only a little bit disappointed. His lips and hands on my body quickly make me forget anything but Edward, my husband back from the dead.

Sort of.

When he tugs at the bottom of my shirt, I feel almost shy for the first time since our wedding night, a century ago. A lot has changed, but there is no reason for this to be any less amazing as it's been in the past.

I hope he still likes what he sees.

Edward kisses me again, hands drifting down my torso. My body is so starved for this sort of tenderness his simple touch makes me moan.

He pulls back to look at me. His eyes seem to light up and he lets out a growl of appreciation. I smile and laugh, my hands coming over his shoulder to pull him back down. He goes willingly for a moment before coming to an abrupt stop.

I watch in confusion as his eyes go wide and he sits back on his heels, my calves trapped under him. I shift, sitting up on my elbows to get a better view of him.

He is totally unmoving, as still as a gargoyle.

"Edward" I venture, concerned at this point.

He's frozen. Can a vampire freeze? Is that like the one thing that afflicts the undead?

I poke him in the side of the head and get nothing in response.

"Edward!" I yell.

My phone rings in my back pocket. With an impatient growl I pull it out, see Alice's face on my screen, toss the device across the room, and go back to staring at Edward.

I tentatively touch his hand and still get no response.

Is he remembering? I have no idea what is going on, but I just lay under him, half naked, and wait it out. Part of me hopes he's remembering. Part of me is terrified.

After nearly ten minutes during which I hold my breath in trepidation, Edward silently reaches out and touches the locket that hangs around my neck. I close my eyes, understanding.

He gave me this locket.

Oh, God.

He runs his fingertips over the twisted, vine-like pattern carved into the silver oval. I long for the relief of the ability to cry as I watch him push the clasp at the side. I haven't looked at it in decades. It just hurts too much.

I continue to hold my breath and look at Edward's face instead of his hands working at my chest. He looks so completely confused and terrified. It's breaking my heart all over again.

Until I saw him again, I didn't even know I still had a heart.

I can tell the exact moment he has the locket open by the way his orange-red eyes go wide. He is so shocked because he is staring at two tiny pictures of himself – one of his own face taken on graduation day and one of the pair of us together on our wedding day.

Edward remains very still, obviously shocked. He glances to my left hand, seeing the ring I still wear and touching it briefly with a fingertip before jerking away as if shocked.

"Edward." I'm begging him for something, maybe a little understanding, maybe a chance to explain.

As if I even deserve yet another chance to explain.

My plea seems to snap him out of his sort of trance. His eyes find mine and for one wonderful moment I think everything is going to be fine. He is going to remember our entire history and feel the joy I felt when I realized he survived somehow.

But then his face contorts in rage, becoming totally unrecognizable from my husband. Here's the vampire side: The demon. Here's the part of him that lost his humanity decades ago and had nothing, not our daughter or his memories, to help him maintain it.

Suddenly I don't know him and it terrifies me.

"Who are you?" he demands with a low hiss. All my reflexes are screaming at me to get in a more defensive position, to protect myself from this new danger.

But I don't. I'm as frozen as he was a moment ago. This is my worst fear, why I've been avoiding telling him about us. Obviously the decision to keep something so huge from him was ill advised.

"Bella, Is… Isabella," I whisper, hating the way his eyes are narrowed in distrust and his teeth are bared with his aggression.

He lets out a deep growl before pulling away and standing at the end of the bed. I'm thankful for the space because of his aggressive stance. Still I fight all vampire urges to fight, choosing instead to cling to my love I have for this unrecognizable man. I take the moment to pull my shirt back on because being so exposed makes me uncomfortable.

"What the fuck is going on here?" His hands go to his hair. The familiar gesture is heartbreaking in this moment. "What the fuck are you doing to me? Who are you?"

I wince at the expletives. Old Edward, my Edward, never cursed.

"I'm…" Shit, this may be the hardest thing I've ever done. "I am, technically speaking, your wife."

His eyes go wide as I brace myself for his reaction but then he just sits down, disappearing from my view. I blink for a second, confused as to where he went before I scramble to the end of the bed to make sure he's okay.

"Edward?" I ask when I see him sitting on the floor with his hands in his hair and his knees pulled to his chest. He rocks slightly. It's really concerning.

Oh God, I've broken him.

With painstaking slowness, making sure he's well aware of my presence, I approach him. I sit next to him, as close as I can get without touching him, and stay silent. I'm at an absolute loss.

"Edward?" I try again after a few more minutes of this. I'm worried about his health. Should I call Carlisle?

I reach out to touch him; desperate to do anything I can to make this easier. His reentrance into my life left me reeling, but at least I had my memories, I knew he existed once upon a time. This is all new for him and the shock must be overwhelming.

When my hand gets a little too close he freezes. Neither of us even dares to breathe for a few seconds, but then he scrambles to his feet, backing away until his back hits my wall. He runs into a picture of his daughter. She falls off the wall and cracks. I refuse to see this as a sign.

"IMM," he murmurs. Absolute fear has replaced his former aggression. Somehow this is worse. It makes my cold, dead heart fracture. "Isabella…"

"Marie Masen," I finish for him. "W- Wife." My voice breaks and I take an unnecessary calming breath, closing my eyes before continuing. "Isabella Marie Masen, wife of Edward Anthony Masen Junior, married in 1916."

"How?" he whispers. "How could… did you know about me?"

I shake my head. "Not until I walked into the Denali's house."

"You ran off. After I asked who you were, you ran off," he says, as if everything is suddenly clear. I'm beyond relieved that he believes me. His trust is already something I've really broken by not telling him sooner.

"You didn't remember me," I say, totally miserable now. "I didn't know what to do. I've been aching for you, wanting and missing you, for the last century and then you're right in front of me, not remembering."

His hands are back in his hair and he squeezes his eyes shut. "This is too much."

"I know."

"I just… I can't."

"Can't what?" I whisper, terrified I'm about to lose him for a second time. I don't think I can bear it.

"Do this!" he yells, frustrated now. "My head is too full. I can't."

He inches towards the window. It has me panicking. He grabs his small back pack that contains his only possessions in the world. He dropped it there when I announced that this was the end of the tour.

"You're leaving?" I squeak.

"I just can't, Isabella."

"But I'm sorry," I say. "Please, I'm so sorry. Please."

He nods and gives me one more conflicted look before turning away. His body is positioned by the window.

I want to beg him to stay, to wrap myself around his body and make it possible for any space to come between us, but I refrain. Somehow fear and guilt keep me still.

"We were special," I tell him, gazing miserably up from my seated position on the floor. He doesn't turn around but I'm just glad he's listening. "As humans… our love was special. And it never stopped for me."

With one more head nod he's gone. I fold in on myself and wish I could cry.

* * *

**Yeah... that's a little rough. I know. Stick with me. It will get better. I promise.**


	4. Summer Snow

**Yeah, the ending to the last one was rough. You guys sure have a lot of questions. They're coming, I promise. I can't be giving away all my secrets this early in the game, can I?**

**Thank you so much for the truly overwhelming response to this story so far.  
**

**Nothing is mine and big thanks to dowlingnana for betaing.**

* * *

"What the fuck happened?" Emmett demands.

"I don't know, Emmett," Alice snaps. "I already told you. All I saw was him looming over her like he was about to rip her head off and then him jumping out the window. She's very obviously alive."

She's skipping over the part of the vision where I was half naked and for this I'm glad. My siblings already look furious and terrified.

"Physically she's fine," Carlisle confirms. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear, but don't really feel anything. When my whole family rushed home about an hour ago they picked me up off the floor and put me in this bed, but I seem to have lost control over my body. I've total shut down.

"Emotionally, that's another story," says Jasper. I can hear the wince in his voice. My shield is firmly in place as I need all the protection I can get, but some of my intense distress is reaching my brother anyway.

"What did he do to her?" Rosalie now. She's absolutely livid. I want to tell her she's wrong, that I'm the one that did something to him, but I can't find the energy to move my lips. Even in my state I know that it's all mental, that physically my lips move fine. That knowledge does nothing to make me move.

"I'm not sure he did anything," Carlisle says. Poor guy. He knows what's wrong but feels like he can't do anything to tell the family because of me.

I know that Esme is sitting next to me, stroking my hair and staring worriedly at my vacant, unmoving expression, but I can't feel her either.

I can't feel anything.

"What?" Emmett booms. "Something is obviously very wrong! What if he has some sort of freaking ability besides the mind reading thing that turns vamps into vegetables? I say we track him down and pull off all his limbs, one by one, until he tells us how to fix her."

I twitch at the image, not liking that at all. It gets me right in the heart. Stupid, dead heart.

"Even with the rain it hasn't been that long," Jasper muses, already in military operation mode. "We could probably find him without too much difficulty."

"I'm not sure that this is the wisest course of action," Carlisle says. He's ignored.

"Alright, who's in?" Emmett asks.

All my siblings volunteer.

"Four to one," Jasper says. "That should be fine, even though we don't know what he can do. But we don't want to leave Bella by herself."

My sibling's words slowly penetrate my consciousness, totally ruining this glorious state of numbness that I've been residing in since Edward left me (again) who knows how long ago. All this talk of him burning has me remembering exactly what it felt like the last time he died. The pain of everything – losing him the first time, lying to him, not knowing what to do, almost getting him back only to fuck it up – seems to rips through my chest.

I bolt upright, startling everyone in the room with the speed and suddenness of my movement.

"No," I say with a hiss. I feel dangerous. I will do anything to protect him, even if that means taking on my whole family.

There is a lot of shouting at me, all at once. Emmett is thrilled I'm not a potato. Rosalie still wants to kill Edward, making me growl at her. Jasper has to leave the room because the full force of my pain combined with the emotion of the rest of the family is too much for him. Esme hugs me a lot. Carlisle looks relieved. Alice has that far off look, indicating she's seeing something that has yet to happen. I wonder if she sees Edward.

I yell the loudest, threatening to dismember anyone who even thinks about hurting Edward. This really pisses Rosalie off and for a minute there is looks like she wants to throttle me for causing all this unnecessary drama. Emmett actually holds her back as I jump up to stand by the bed, ready to fight. Esme cries for us to please, please, please get along.

"Enough!" Carlisle's voice isn't even that loud, but it's so full of authority everyone immediately freezes. "I will not have any of you behaving this way. We are family. Let's start acting like it."

"Don't touch Edward," I snap, scowling at Rose and Emmett. The former is offended by my tone, the later is offended that I'm protecting an outsider, but I don't care. "If we're family now and want to keep it that way you will not hurt him."

"Bella, did he hurt you? What's going on? Please, we just need some answers. You have us really worried here," Emmett says. His plea is shockingly reasonable. Esme and Alice echo his request. I look at Carlisle, trying to see if there is any possible way to get out of this.

Edward already knows I'm a liar. Telling the rest of them shouldn't feel like the end of the world, but it does.

"It's time, Bella," Carlisle says.

"Time for what? What do you know, Carlisle?" Esme demands. I wince, realizing that Carlisle is going to have hell to pay for keeping my secrets. For so long his guilt ensured that he's kept my secrets.

All of them.

I remember the look on Edward's face as he left. I see all that pain and distrust and confusion written clear even in his body language. It cripples me and I have to crawl back into bed again.

"Oh, no you don't," says Alice. She leaps forward and slaps me across the face.

Hard.

It causes my head to snap to the side, and I blink at her in shock as I rub my stinging cheek.

"Alice!' Esme yells, horrified.

"Slap her again," suggests Rose.

"Don't leave again, Bella," Carlisle says. "It's time."

Three deep breaths, that's how long it takes me to accept that he's right.

Jasper gets called back. Everyone gathers either around my bed or lays down on it, making this feel like a morbid story time. They sit quietly, not rushing me or demanding anything from me. It's a little amazing really. They'll have time to be pissed at me later, but for now they just want to know.

"Once, I had a husband," I start. This is practice, really, for if I ever get the chance to tell Edward. "You all know that. You know how I can't bear to talk about him, even after all this time. I know it always pissed you off, Alice, but I just couldn't talk about him. It just hurt too much. Even with Ness, it just hurt to much."

"At least she got the abridged version," Alice mutters. "All I know is apparently the guy was a total babe."

"No interrupting," Carlisle scolds.

"Anyway, he died in the war. I thought he died in the war," I correct, focusing on a small dark stain on my carpet to keep it together. "He doesn't remember. It hurts that he doesn't remember, and I couldn't figure out how to tell him."

"What the hell is she talking about?" Rosalie demands, turning to Emmett.

"Oh my God," Esme gasps, a hand flying to cover her mouth. She's obviously put together my odd behavior and meeting Edward at the Denali's.

"But part of him remembers," I continue, once again in my own little world. I don't have the energy to deal with this. I've been keeping my human life to myself, buried deep, for so long it feels uncomfortable to talk about it now. "He stopped even though it felt so good." All the male members of my family and Esme wince. "He saw. He knew."

I'm well aware that my mouth is making no sense what so ever. Everyone but Alice looks at me like I've totally lost it. The smallest member of my family comes closer to where I lay curled on the bed, her eyes on the necklace.

"It's open," she murmurs, gently touching the outside of the locket. "I've never seen you open this. You've never let any of us see."

She looks at me, pleading for permission to finally look. Of all my family members Alice is the most offended and the most persistent about the mysteries of my past. I give her an almost imperceptible nod, remove the necklace from my neck, and hand it over.

She looks and her mouth falls open with an audible pop. Silently she passes it to Esme. It goes all the way around the room to ever member of my family before it gets handed to Carlisle who doesn't even look at the pictures as he hands the necklace back to me. I snap it shut and pull the chain over my head.

"I didn't know," I say as the enormity of everything that's happened jn the last few days really begins to sink in. "I thought he died. For almost a hundred years I thought my soul mate, my other half, died in the Great fucking War. Until I walked into the Denali's house."

Everyone looks appropriately shocked. Except Carlisle, who looks not shocked at all.

"You knew," Esme says, hissing at Carlisle. She's almost madder than I've ever seen her. "You knew Bella when she was human. You knew her husband. You knew Edward and you didn't say a word."

"I didn't know what to do. I had to figure out how to tell Edward and I couldn't tell you before I told him for a lot of reasons, including that mind reading thing he does which really freaks me out, by the way," I explain, attempting to get my father off the hook.

"I am so sorry, my darling," Carlisle says, pleading with Esme to understand.

"It's not his fault. I asked him to keep my secret."

"How did this happen?" Alice insists.

"I can't… go into details. I have to talk to Edward first. And Ness. Holy fuck, Vanessa," I say, losing what little composure I'd managed during the first part of this conversation. "How am I going to explain Vanessa? How am I going to explain _to_ Vanessa?"

There's not a lot they can say. Esme attempts to offer some comfort, but in reality she's too distressed that Carlisle kept all this from her once we found Edward in Alaska. Alice sits close and rubs my back, but I can tell she's unhappy too. They're all unhappy.

The stories of the human lives of my family members have become like folk tales. I know every detail of their stories. Esme with her abusive husband and endless miscarriages that had her throwing herself over a cliff. Rosalie as a little rich girl who picked the wrong man. Emmett and his large family of immigrant settlers living in a bear infested woods. Jasper and his military training that he carried over into the first part of his un-life. Alice plagued by visions that forced her to spend most of her human life locked up in the very worst kind of place.

Their stories are highly personal and painful. The fact that I kept so much from them seems like betrayal.

I just couldn't talk about it. I could barely even think about it without slipping away, succumbing to the pain and loss. And I had to be strong for my daughter.

Years ago Nessie had questions. How could she not have questions? She's almost totally unique on this planet and naturally curious. As soon as she learned to talk she had questions about where she came from.

Ness knows about her father. I've showed her my locket and the mementos locked away in our Chicago apartment, but she's a smart girl and saw how much her questions and her desire to talk about him hurt me. It's been years since she's mentioned him to me, and as heartbreaking as that is, I didn't have the strength to bring it up.

"You can stop hovering," I murmur after hours of them watching me and scowling at me pass. "He's gone. I've lost him again. Let's just get on with our un-lives."

They all file out with varying degrees of concern and anger. Carlisle lingers, placing a hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, making eye contact for the first time since they all disturbed my vamp-coma.

"You haven't lost him, Bella," he murmurs, being so gentle. Carlisle is so heartbroken for me. "It may have taken a hundred years, but there are powerful forces at work here. Something that compelled both me and Victoria to change you both within months of each other. It will work out, no matter what you do to screw it up."

I crack a small smile. Even this hurts.

"Plus, there is a lot of the man you married left in this vampire," Carlisle continues. "He'll be back."

* * *

A whole week passes and I go through the motions. I badger Alice almost hourly, inquiring if she's seen even a glimpse of him. It annoys her and she tells me over and over that he's in a forest somewhere, but I can't stop myself.

The family fills me in on what I missed when I left Alaska early. James was very unhappy when I stole away with his little protégé. He left with his mate not long after Edward and I. My family decided to stay in Alaska in case the pair returned. Alice stayed a tuned to Edward and his former counterparts, making sure we were safe. They rushed home with Alice's vision of our horrible altercation in my bed.

Slowly my siblings begin to forgive me. I think they take pity on me when they see the pathetic zombie-vamp I've become in the days since his departure. Apparently I am so depressing to them it inspires Rose and Alice stage an intervention. They both suggest shopping trips as the cure for heartbreak. Alice wants to go to the mall. Rose wants to get me in the latest, fastest vehicle.

I decide to go on a little trip instead.

* * *

It doesn't take me very long to run to Oregon.

For the last couple years Nessie has begged me to let her go to summer camp in the mountains, snowboarding of all things, which apparently you can do even in the warm months. It was a firm no from me for a good long while being as I am the very definition of an insanely overprotective parent, but she wore me down. I know she's safe. Not only is she under the protection of the guard, my lingering distrust in Aro led me to pay my old friend Garrett an insane amount of money to watch over her this summer.

Plus, she's with Jake.

Even though I know she's safe and I know I'm doing the right thing by letting her live her life, my worry is constant. Our daily phone calls do little to appease my fears.

I arrive just before the sun goes down, but manage to sneak into a hotel near where Nessie is staying without sparkling in front of any humans. It gives me a chance to wash up. As a vampire I don't perspire or anything, but my hair is a tangled, leaf filled mess from my long run.

The prospect of seeing my daughter so soon calms me for the first time since he left me. Again. This week has felt longer all the years of my existence combined.

By the time I brush and dry my hair, pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and slip the present I got Ness the last time I was in Italy into my pocket, the sun has set. I trek out of town, up to the base of Mt. Hood where Nessie and the rest of the campers are staying for the summer.

Loitering by the entrance is a familiar hulking form of Jacob Black. We met him seventy-six years ago, the first time we were in Forks. His uncomfortable infatuation with me culminated in an ill-advised declaration of love that I did not return and ended when my family's presence in his territory triggered an ancient gene that turned him and all his friends into werewolves. It almost came to blows when their heighten senses revealed us for what we are, their mortal enemies, until Jacob imprinted on my daughter.

Imprinting. What a fucked up supernatural phenomenon that is. Sometimes I still get furious when I think about it. Goddamn destiny. I hate that it seems like my daughter doesn't have a choice. She's connected to a werewolf, and even if his love hasn't turned romantic yet, they are bound together by forces neither can control.

She sure seems to like him a lot, even if she doesn't really get why the whole imprinting thing is creepy and weird yet. Eventually, she's going to become interested in boys and thought makes my stomach turn.

It took Jake over fifteen years to earn the trust of my family. I was the last to hold out, but he wouldn't stop following us around. Plus he's basically a big teddy bear. It's extremely difficult to stay mad at him.

"Are you smoking?" I shriek, extremely mad at him. "What the fuck, Jacob Black?"

"Hot damn," he replies, grinning. "Isabella Cullen. In the flesh. Did you let me know you were coming? You didn't let me know you were coming."

"You are smoking. If you let my daughter see you with a cigarette I will rip off your hands. Let's see you smoke with your little numbs," I continue. He's a terrible chaperone. If I weren't positive he'd lay down his life to protect Ness I would have done away with him long ago.

"I missed you, Bells," he says, giving me a big bear hug that reminds me of Emmett and leaves me smelling like a wet dog. I gag and struggle half-heartedly until he finally puts me down.

"She'll smell the smoke on you," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest and clinging to my anger.

"I'll eat a mouthful of mints," he says dismissively.

"I haven't seen you smoke since the 60s."

"I was bored."

"She has a heightened sense of smell. It's the vampire in her."

"Bella, don't get all psycho mom on me now. Will quitting make you calm down? It's a big sacrifice, but I'll do it for you," he assures me.

"When did you even start?"

He shrugs. I sigh.

Taking in a lungful of air I catch of whiff of Garrett's sent. Good. I'm paying him to stay close and close he is.

"They should just be finishing up dinner," Jake says, glancing at his watch. "All the kids have a couple free hours before lights out."

"Excellent," I say, stalking passed him towards the entrance. "And you best quit smoking if you've gotten used to living with hands!"

* * *

I lean against a wall in the back of the dining hall, watching my daughter smile and laugh with her new friends. She's happy and safe and loved. She's the best thing I've ever done. Giving her a good life is my whole un-life. Looking at her now I feel like I've managed to do this one thing right.

Ness is absolutely radiant, even with her hair in a messy pair of French braids. She shares so many of Edward's traits sometimes it hurts to look at her. His full lips, high cheekbones, and messy bronze hair are reflected in miniature on her heart shaped face. Her dark brown eyes are all me. Or all me as a human, anyway.

Despite her slow aging rate I feel like she's grown up so fast. Both body and mind are that of a thirteen year old, even with her ninety-five years on the planet. Her lack of growth in the first months of life gave Carlisle and I quite the scare, and had us following myth and rumor to Brazil where we found children like Nessie. Vampire human hybrids aging seven times slower than a human. According to the groups we met there, Nessie will stop aging when her body is approximately seventeen. Still, it will be another twenty-five years before that happens.

For very selfish reason I'm just thankful she's been blessed with immortality.

There's nothing I've enjoyed more than being a mother, even if she started introducing me as her big sister when we moved to Forks. I spend so much time passing as a teenager it hardly makes sense for me to go around claiming to have a thirteen year old kid.

One of the adolescent boys sitting at Vanessa's table sees me and whispers something lewd to his companion. Both boys snicker and I roll my eyes at their lack of imagination. Sensing the commotion, Nessie turns in her seat, her eyes finding me.

Her whole face lights up and she lets out a delighted squeak before leaping out of her seat so fast her chair tips backward and sprinting across the dining hall. She hits me with such force I worry she'll hurt herself against my hard body, but she appears fine. Although she doesn't have vampire strength she's much more durable than a squishy human.

"Hey, baby girl," I whisper, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and one around her head. She clings to my waist as I hold her tight to my chest.

She slips her little hand under my t-shirt, against my skin at my lower back. I close my eyes, reveling in what Ness shows me. Memories of our last goodbye and how it made her feel sad and excited at the same time play in my head. Next she shows me a memory of her fourth night here, when she was so home sick she couldn't sleep. I stayed on the phone with her until she finally dozed off. I hear myself sing a lullaby and feel how it made her feel. Loved.

If I had the physical capability to cry I most definitely would.

"Mom!" she says, pulling back slightly so she can get a good look at my face when she's done projecting images in my head with her unique gift. "What are you doing here? I've missed you! Why didn't you tell me you were coming? It's not that you don't think I'm old enough to handle this. I'm ninety-five. I can totally handle this."

I let out a laugh. Ness either claims to be nearly a century old or a pre-teen, depending on what is convenient.

"You're thirteenish," I correct, running a hand down one braid. "And either way I wasn't worried about you handling being away from home for a few months. I was the one who couldn't handle not seeing you for so long."

"Really?" she says with typical Nessie enthusiasm. It's nearly impossible to be miserable around Ness. She just radiates life and joy. Still, the thought of telling her about Edward and how much she looks like Edward makes my stomach knot.

"Really."

"Come on," she says, pulling away and grabbing my hand. "I want you to meet all my friends."

* * *

"This is so against the rules," Nessie whispers, quite unnecessarily.

"Breaking the rules is fun," Jake says.

"Jacob!" I shout, snacking him in the back of the head. I'm as gentle as I can manage but he still rubs the spot and pouts at me. "Try and be a role model, will you?"

"Hitting is against the rules too, Mom," Nessie informs me.

I sigh as Jake and Ness both laugh at my facial expression.

"Breaking the rules is only okay when I say so," I inform them. In recent years they've been ganging up on me more often. Yet another sign that my little girl is growing up.

"That just doesn't seem right," Nessie says, sounding unbelievably prim. "I could get in a whole lot of trouble if I get caught out of bed after curfew. And long past ten, when the pool closes."

"Just who do you think we are?" Jake asks, sounding irritated. "We don't get caught."

"If all the rule breaking makes you nervous, Vanessa, you can go back to bed," I suggest.

Nessie doesn't answer, she just does a cannonball right into the deep end, soaking Jake and I in the process.

"Lovely," I mutter, whipping my face. "Now it smells like wetter dog."

Jacob pushes me into the pool for that one.

For the next hour we horse around, splashing each other and racing back and forth. When I win Jake claims my vampire strength counts as cheating, making absolutely no sense. Jake throws Ness in the air over and over. I sit on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water, leaning back on my hands and looking at the stars.

Edward is seeing what I'm seeing. I wonder where he is on this night.

Eventually Ness yawns one too many times and I have to get all mom-like, declaring it bedtime.

"You'll watch me tomorrow?" she whispers as I walk her to her room. She leans heavily on me and I feel like a bad mom because she's definitely not getting enough sleep tonight.

"Yup," I reply when we get to her door. "I'm going to camp out in a clump of trees with Garrett tomorrow and spy."

"Can you really see from there?" she demands.

"Vampire, baby? Remember?" She lets out a giggle. "It's not we could get any closer. Not all of us just glow pleasantly in the sun. Some of us blind people."

Nessie rolls her eyes.

"I might not be very good because I'm sleepy, but I did a jump yesterday. I'm going to try to do it so you can see tomorrow but if I can't I blame you entirely," she says.

"That's seems fair," I reply, hugging her. She reaches up to touch my face, letting me see how much she loves me, how happy she is I'm here, and how much she likes snowboarding.

Again, I'm over come. I'm in awe of her gift. I've always been in awe of her gift, but her ability makes so much more sense now given what I now know about her father's mind reading. I want to blurt it all out. Everything I've learned and been through in the last few weeks. I want to share the burden of knowing that he's out there.

But that would be so horribly unfair because he left. Again.

"Night, baby," I say. "I love you."

"Night, Mom," she replies, giving me one more hug. "Love you, too."

* * *

"You best not be like this when I'm not around," I say, watching Garrett use a pair of branches like uneven bars out of the corner of my eye. "You're totally fired."

"And trust your only daughters safety to the mongrel? I think not," Garrett replies.

I watch Nessie from my perch near the top a tall pine. She's so athletic and graceful, even running low on sleep. Sometimes she moves so fast it terrifies me, and I have to remind myself that's she not a weak mortal. She's sturdy and in control.

"She's wonderful," I say, beaming as she takes her turn going over a jump. "How can you not be watching how wonderful my daughter is?"

"I've been here, alone and hungry, for a month, my dear," Garrett says, continuing to swing. "Watching a bunch of bite-sized morsels slide down a mountain can only entertain one for so long."

"If you eat one of Nessie's camp friends I'm going to stake you," I tell him.

"Do you think this is a episode of Buffy? What the hell kind of vampire are you?" Garrett asks. "It takes slightly more than a piece of wood to kill me."

"Who said I want to kill you?" I ask, never taking my eyes off my kid. "A stake in the heart might not turn you to dust, but it sure would hurt."

His laugh makes me smile. It's good to be here with him. I've known Garrett almost as long as I've been a vampire and therefore he's known Ness since she was the most adorable baby to ever exist. There are very few I'd trust to keep my daughter safe. After my family and the Denali's, no one loves Nessie like Garrett.

It's a definite plus that Garrett loathes the Volturi. Turned during the American Revolution, he never quite lost that rebellious spirit and the desire to endlessly challenge authority. Despite all I do for the Volturi to ensure Vanessa's safety, I do not trust them at all. Garrett is one of the few vampires I know willing to stand up to the guard to protect my daughter.

Even if he's managed to weasel an exorbitant amount of money out of me.

I'm suddenly overcome with affection for my old friend. Usually I'm not this sentimental. Something about seeing Edward again must be putting me more in touch some component of humanity long forgotten. I'm not used to feeling this fragile.

Being with Ness has made it better. Being with Ness always makes it better, but coming here has somehow made me really believe Carlisle's words.

Edward and I aren't done. It's only a matter of time.

"Thanks you," I murmur, feeling mushy and uncomfortable.

"Thank you?" Garrett says, turning his dark red eyes on me. "Why, Isabella. Are you being nice?"

"I'm offended that you sound so surprised," I reply. "I happen to be a very nice vampire. I don't even eat people."

Garrett lets out a snort. "That doesn't make you nice. That makes you loony."

That makes me smile.

"Have you ever been in love?" I ask abruptly surprising us both.

"Are you hitting on me?" He asks so seriously I look away from Ness for the first time since climbing this tree.

"That is not a serious question," I reply, somewhat horrified. Until this moment I forgot about our brief affair during the 50s. I was so lost back then and searching for something, a way to get over Edward. I felt so pathetic for being incapable of moving on and I tried so hard to force myself to get over it.

Maybe something always new we weren't done.

"It's happened before," Garrett reminds me.

"I… No! What? No! Absolutely not!" I sound like a sputtering idiot. Guilt and nausea churn in my stomach.

Garrett didn't help me get over Edward. And nothing will help me get over the fact that I cheated on my husband, either.

"Bella, relax," Garrett says. "It's too easy to mess with you. I know you're not hitting on me. But seriously, Ms. Cullen," he asks when I calm down. "What's going on?"

"I loved Nessie's father," I murmur, going back to watching my daughter glide around. "Still do. We were so close I still don't feel whole without him."

"You remember feeling so close to him?" Garrett inquires. "That's incredibly rare. Human memories so strong… it's a gift and a curse."

I nod, understanding completely.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"I'm going to find out eventually, aren't I?"

"Probably," I reply.

"You're one weird vamp," Garrett comments. "Even for a veg head."

"I prefer the term special."

* * *

Three days after arriving in Oregon my phone rings as I return from hunting to my hotel. My family has been remarkably good about giving me my space while visiting my daughter, but Alice can only be expected to contain herself for so long so I answer.

"He's coming back," Alice says in a rush before I can even say hello.

Her words make my heart stop. Metaphorically, of course.

"When?" I say, resisting the urge to sit down. My legs are not weak. Only in my mind do my legs feel week.

"It's murky," Alice replies, sounding apologetic. "Several days. Maybe a week. He's in Canada somewhere."

I let out a breath of relief. It feels like I was holding it since the moment he left.

"Okay," I say, still unsteady. "Alright. Okay. I'll come home. What's going to happen? What else did you see?"

"There are several possible futures." Alice's reply is careful. "You'll talk. You might go somewhere together. He might run off again."

I let out a whimper.

"But I think I know how to prevent that from happening," she replies quickly. "We need to leave."

"We? Leave? But I have to see him," I squeak, totally horrified by her suggestion.

"No, I mean the rest of the family. Carlisle and Esme are going back to Alaska. The rest of us are going to stay in the Seattle penthouse. We want to be close in case something goes wrong," Alice says.

"What could go wrong?"

"Edward's nasty companions could show up again. They have no plans to do so, but they are erratic and spontaneous. You could piss him off again, he leaves, and you end up catatonic again," she suggests.

"Okay, yeah. I get it. Why do you need to leave?" I ask. Normally I'm quite good at quickly understanding most things. I've just not been thinking clearly since the return of my husband.

Back from the dead.

Sort of.

"He knows what we're thinking, Bella. If he finds out about Ness too soon, which he will do if he's near any of us, he'll lose it. You have to understand what it's like for him. You've been living with his memory and his daughter for all these years. He's been alone and living this brutal life. Plus hybrids like Ness aren't exactly common knowledge in the vampire world. I doubt he even knows someone like her could exist. This is all brand new for him. Just have some patience. Ease him into it."

"Easing," I repeat. "Easing sounds good. I can ease."

"It's going to work out, Bella," Alice says with such confidence it actually makes me feel fractionally more confident.

Just fractionally. Her words do nothing to cure my delusions of nausea.

* * *

**More Edward next time. That's a promise. **

**So what did we think of Nessie and Jacob?**

**Reviews make me so happy. I'm just sayin'.  
**


	5. Extremely Odd and Highly Irritating

**Okay, here we go. The return of Edward. I hope you guys like it.**

**Thanks so much for the reading and the reviews and the like. If I had the time I'd reply to each and everyone. I read them all with a big old smile.  
**

**Betaed by dowlingnana.  
**

**I own nothing.  
**

* * *

Alice doesn't have a specific time for his return, so I end up home alone after a very hard goodbye with Nessie. The rest of my family clears off not long after I get back to Forks, leaving me alone to wallow. Being so close to my daughter distracted me, but now that I'm home I sink into a very dark place.

Even though I promised everyone I'd be fine on my own I crawl back into bed, retreat into myself, and pretend to sleep.

I'm good at this, pretending to sleep. I have no plans to do anything but this until he comes back to me.

* * *

I smell him before I see him.

A gentle breeze comes through my large open windows and I pull as much of him through my lungs as possible. My first instinct is to run to him, to wrap my body around his body. I'd super glue him to me if it meant we'd be together forever.

But I don't.

Alice said ease, recommended caution. Mounting him the moment I see him is really the opposite of easing so I stay right here, curled up in my superfluous bed, as I try to maintain some level of control.

Plus I like the symbolism of him finding me right here where he left me. I want him to really understand that I'll wait as long as it takes.

This hope is so terrifying. I don't know how I'll manage to survive if he walks away after he knows everything.

Because there is a lot to know. Some of it really not good.

Taking deep, steady breaths I keep ridged control over my body as I wait.

I sense him before I see him.

I take one more quiet moment to revel in the knowledge that he's really here, standing in my window and continuing to really exist in this world.

"Are you sleeping?" He sounds so incredibly incredulous and his question is so unexpected I can't manage to keep in a somewhat hysterical giggle. I open my eyes as it bursts out of me.

Well, fuck me he's gorgeous.

It happened when we were alive too. His appearance would stun me back when we were both ordinarily human. But the limited memory of that feeling does nothing to prepare me for how vampirism affected his already dazzling features.

His chiseled jaw is tensed, indicating his wariness. His hair is messier than usual, and I'm sure with all the stress he's had his hands permanently fisted in those gorgeous bronze locks. He loiters just inside my window like he's torn between coming closer and running off again. His eyes are wide but I can see the affection there. Best of all they are clear, bright amber.

Edward has kept up our diet.

"I'm pretending to sleep," I explain, not bothering to keep my desire and love off my face. Total openness, that's the way it has to be now. No more lying. "And you look lovely."

His full lips twitch from a deep frown into that half smile of his I love, just for a second. Then it's gone and he goes from flustered to scowling far too quickly.

"Lovely?" he asks. "I find you extremely odd and highly irritating."

I sit up, still struggling to contain my joy. God, I love him.

"You've always felt that way," I tell him. "But you love that about me. At least you did. It's part of my charm."

That makes him look very uncomfortable, but he turns his body towards me and away from the window. I take this as a good sign and let myself relax ever so slightly.

"I… I'm very confused," he confesses, fisting both hands in his hair.

"I know, sweetheart." He winces at the endearment, and I berate myself for being such an idiot. "And I'm sorry for not telling you about our past. This whole thing is just so totally shocking and wonderful. I've spent the last hundred years mourning you and missing you and now here you are. I'm confused, too."

He seems to relax slightly, comforted in the knowledge that he's not alone here. Edward gives me one jerky nod.

Instead of pretending to sleep for the last day and a half I should have been planning what to say, what to do. Again, I curse my own idiocy.

I'm going with my gut, keeping in mind Alice's advice about easing and Carlisle's assurance that there are forces at work here that want us together, one way or another.

Slowly I rise from the position on the bed and approach him, making sure to not make any sudden movements. I'm terrified by the possibility that I'll scare him off again. My body buzzes because he's right the fuck there, being all perfect and familiar.

"This," I say, opening my locket and handing it to him, "is a picture of you on graduation day. You were top of our class and planned on studying to be a doctor. I loved you in that uniform. You proposed that night. I said yes before you even finished asking."

I hate the way his shoulders tense, wary of my approach but he takes the necklace from me anyway.

"The other is our wedding photo," I murmur, my eyes searching his face. He stares intently at the pictures, and I want more than anything to posses his gift, to know what he's thinking. "We were married at nineteen, after you did a year of college. I wanted to marry you as quickly as possible, but we were engaged for over a year. My father died unexpectedly and we had to push the wedding back."

He gives me another nod. I let him have a moment of silence, before it becomes too much and I have to speak again.

"You gave me that locket in September of 1916, right before you left for France," I continue. Explaining the thing that made him freak out a couple weeks ago seems to being going quite well.

Better than expected, anyway.

"This is so incredibly strange," he says, tracing the edge of the locket with a long finger. "You've changed my whole existence. It doesn't help that I can't hear your thoughts to determine the honesty in your words myself. I didn't want to believe this. I don't want to, but I feel it. I feel that this is the truth."

My fists clench at my sides as the struggle to not touch him becomes unbearable. He believes me. He's accepted that we have a history.

"I promise you, Edward," I say. He makes eye contact with me for the first time, scorching me with his gaze. "You'll only get truth from me from now on. Only honesty."

More nodding from Edward: Silence stretches and I feel inexplicably awkward.

"And… Well, there might be something I can do about that," I murmur, mostly to myself, thinking about the work I've been doing with my shield lately. Edward raises an eyebrow at me. "Um… would you like to come in?"

Wow, that was really incredibly stupid. He's already in. Way in, to my home and my heart.

"Yes, thank you very much." The formality just about slays me, but I take a step back and allow him to come further into my room. He sets his backpack down on a chair in the corner.

Good. That means he's not planning on running off. For the next couple minutes anyway.

"What did you mean earlier?" he asks.

"About you being lovely?" I clarify. "Because I thought that was fairly clear."

I swear that if a vampire could blush Edward would being doing just that in this moment. He clears his throat, something totally unnecessary for a vampire, and looks at me again.

"I'm attempting to ask you what you meant about pretending to sleep," Edward explains, his tone formal and clipped.

"That seems fairly clear as well," I reply, confused by his confusion. "I pretend to sleep. At night I put on pajamas, crawl into bed, close my eyes, and kind of meditate. It's quiet. Sometimes my thoughts even go in a way that feel like dreams."

Edward's expression softens and that look of love is so familiar it makes my heart ache. My tender boy is still preserved somewhere in this cold hard vampire.

"What do you dream about, Isabella?"

His husky question makes me want him more. I didn't know it was possible to want him more, but his voice is absolutely dripping with sex. Staying away from him is going to take every ounce of my self-control.

Then I think about how I unknowingly committed adultery. There's no way he failed to do the same. Looking the way he looks… there is no way he's spent the last century totally alone.

The fact sobers me.

"I'm scared to tell you." I really hate admitting weakness but I promised Edward truth.

"Why?" he asks, totally suspicious of me.

"Because it's personal and involves you and I can't handle watching you leave out that window again," I confess, sounding as pathetic and terrified as I feel.

He looks guilty. I don't want him guilty.

"It's okay. I understand that you did what you felt like you needed to do. You needed some distance from me and that's more than okay being as you came back," I say, babbling slightly in my rush to make him feel better.

"What do you dream about?" he repeats.

Now I'm the one that would be blushing if it were physically possible.

"You," I reply, looking him right in the eye to show my honesty. Oh those amber eyes. There have been no people eating for Edward since we met. Or found each other again. Or whatever. "Mostly memories from our life together. How you made me feel. Things we've done. I would pretend you were still with me."

Of fuck, that was too much. I've freaked him out again. I bite my lip and give him a moment to digest.

"You remember our life together?" he asks after a full two minutes of silence lapses.

"It's unusual, I know. But the memories play in my head like a movie. Carlisle thinks it's part of my weird brain shield thing. It's hard sometimes, but mostly I'm just thankful that I'm not like most vampires when it comes to the memory loss thing. Before… all this, it felt like a blessing to take pieces of you with me into this strange undeath."

His expression is intense but his reaction to my words is unclear. I notice that he's looming over me, eyes boring into my forehead as if he's attempting to use his gift through sheer force of will. Our close proximity is almost too much for me to bear. When did the space between us close? I didn't even notice and vampires notice everything.

"You remember where I came from?" he asks, taking another step towards me. I have to crane my neck to look him in the eye. "You know my history? Remember my parents and our courtship? All of it?"

Although I am unusual, everyone else in my family desperately craves any little scrap of information about their human lives. It's particularly bad for Alice. She doesn't have a single memory. All we know is that she spent most of her life in a mental institution that was more prison than hospital. She feels incomplete without any knowledge of who she was.

It must be the same for Edward.

"Most of it," I correct with a shrug. "The memories with you are the clearest, especially after we married. But we've known each other since birth, human birth, so most contain you."

"Oh," he says, slumping sideways against a wall. I reach out for him in alarm, but hold back at the last moment as I remember Alice's advice. I've never seen a vampire tip over like that, and I'm terrified that I've broken him somehow.

"Edward?"

"I'm okay," he assures me, holding out a palm as he continues to lean. "It's just… Every time I think I'm prepared to hear what you have to say, some new truth comes to light that just knocks me on my ass again."

I crack a smile at the delightful way he speaks, combining the formal patterns of our time as humans with more modern phrases.

Wow, learning about Ness is really going to put him out for the count.

"I don't mean to knock you on your ass," I reply, trying to contain my smile.

"I know. And I'm really trying to understand where you are coming from. Just have some patience with me. You have your memories but this is all brand new to me. It's hard to wrap my head around this life you are describing."

He talks quietly and stares at his feet. That forlorn expression makes it impossible for me not to provide a little comfort. I grab his hand, thankful that he squeezes me back. We stand like that in silence for long minutes. He looks down while I study his face.

"Where do we start?" he asks, turning his blazing eyes on me so suddenly I jump slightly. This twitchiness is uncomfortable. It's like being around Edward again is making me feel and act more human.

"What do you mean?" Start what? We started over a century ago.

"I want to know what you know, but I'm not sure where we begin. It has to be slow so I can absorb it all, but I want to know everything. Eventually."

Everything. I hate everything. Everything means Aro and the Volturi. He'll leave me after he hears everything,

I take in his eager and defeated expression and know I'll tell him everything. He deserves that much. All I can do is enjoy my time with him.

We'll just have to start at the beginning.

"Are you up for another long run?" I ask, reaching up to pull a leaf out of his hair.

"Where are we going?" he asks, looking at me with suspicion.

"Chicago."

* * *

"We lived here together?" Edward asks as we walk down the hall of the apartment building. Sometime in the last twenty years the place was restored to its former glory. Carlisle added modern amenities to the pluming and the kitchen, but other than that our unit remains almost untouched. There is something surreal and almost creepy about being here with Edward. As we stand in front of the door to our old apartment, number 1103, it feels like we've stepped back in time.

If it wasn't for our modern attire or all these pesky memories, I might be able to trick myself into thinking that our century of separation didn't happen.

"Not for long," I confess. "We married in early May and you shipped out on the first October. All our married months were here, but when you left I couldn't stand the thought of being here alone. I moved into your parent's house, which has unfortunately been gone for years. Fire or something. I lost track."

"When I left? You mean when I was drafted?" he asks.

"You weren't _drafted," _I reply with a hiss. My old anger is resurfacing and I have to take a few big breaths to calm down again. "You signed up with a special medical corps of volunteers. Technically, you joined the French army as a medic."

"French uniform," he murmurs, finally understanding the outfit he woke up in. "I was a medic?"

"Yes. You were training to be a doctor, but when it appeared inevitable that the US would eventually join the war, you let all your honor and duty get the best of you. Many of your friends from college signed up. There was this whole mob mentality thing going on." I can't bear to look at him as I'm bombarded with painful memories. Instead I stare at the teal door with its gold molding, wiping idly at a speck of dust.

"College?"

"You were studying to be a doctor," I mutter.

"And I take it you weren't happy about it," Edward says, dryly.

"No. Medicine has always been a perfectly respectable occupation."

"I meant about leaving. You weren't happy about it."

"What makes you ask that?"

"I don't think you could come off as more bitter if you tried."

"We were newlyweds," I reply, studying my worn out Chuck Taylors as I rest my hand on the doorknob. "Of course I didn't want you to leave. My worst fears came true."

It's truly pathetic how miserable I sound, but it still hurts after all this time. I remember with vampiric clarity what it felt like to lose him. We vampires are frozen in time. When we change, we change big. Even after a century my pain hasn't changed.

Edward goes still for a moment before tentatively reaching out to rub my shoulder. I sense his discomfort, but he touches me anyway, trying to make me feel better. The gesture is tender, and I lean into his hand, giving myself a moment to remember that the loss wasn't forever.

I hope.

"Shall we?" I ask, unlocking the door when I've managed to collect myself. Edward clears his throat and gives me a jerky nod.

I gesture for him to enter, and then loiter awkwardly by the door, working my bottom lip between my teeth as I watch him take it all in. Very little has changed, and I pray that the familiar old surroundings will trigger some long dormant memory for him.

He moves around the living room, taking in the old furniture and decorations. I scurry around, pulling protective sheets off couches and throwing open the drapes to give him a better view. The sun is just coming up, and he sparkles slightly when he steps closer to the window.

I'm never going to get used to his inhuman beauty, not in a thousand years. He'll always steal my breath

He treats our old home like a museum. Everything is observed but nothing is touched. I stay out of his way, worrying and waiting. Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is rushing it.

"How did you manage to keep this place?" he murmurs, studying the old bar at the far side of the room.

"Carlisle did something," I reply. "I never paid much attention to the details, but it involves some sort of family trust type deal. When we left Chicago the first time he encouraged me to sell, but I just couldn't bear it."

Edward nods and moves on to look at photos on a wall. He traces a finger over his mother's face, and if it was a physical possibility I'd be crying again.

Damn, being around Edward again is chipping away at all my vampire parts. It's disconcerting, how human he makes me feel.

"Is this…?"

"Elizabeth Ann Masen and Edward Anthony Masen Senior," I supply. "You were named after your father. Look just like him, too. Except for your eyes. Oh, and the hair. Those wild bronze locks are all Elizabeth."

Edward closes his eyes, needing another moment to collect his self. This must be so overwhelming for him, but I'm doing my best to let him set the pace.

"And you remember them?"

"Not like I remember you," I confess, wishing I had more to give him. "But my memories of your parents are still much more vivid than most vampires experience. Again, I don't really know why. Just my freaky shielded brain."

"I like your freaky shielded brain." His voice is so quiet, only a superhuman would realize he spoke at all.

"You do?" I ask, completely shocked by his statement. Since all the lying and his leaving, he's very deliberately kept his distance from me. I can tell he's working very hard to remain as detached as possible so this little compliment blows me away.

"Ah… um…" He clears his throat once and runs a hand through his hair. "It's quiet. I'm not used to the quiet."

For one little second I don't understand. He tapes his forehead twice and I remember his intrusive little gift.

"Right." I deflate slightly, wanting him to like me not the quiet. Although I logically know it's too much to ask for, but I want so badly for him to love me again. I never stopped.

"Let's start at the beginning," he says. I'm relieved that he changes the subject.

"There's some big stuff," I say, because I'm really trying so hard not to mess up again. "Really big stuff that you need to know. But I don't want to push you."

"I'm not sure if I'm quite up for big as of yet," he murmurs.

"Okay. Chronologically it is."

This is a relief. I'll have some time to mentally prepare for the big stuff.

I open the chest next to the couch that contains more pictures and other various heirlooms.

Let's do this.

"July 20th, 1896 Elizabeth and Edward Masen welcomed their first and only child into the world…"

* * *

"What are you doing in Chicago?" Nessie demands.

"I'm here with an old friend. I told you about him, remember? About running into him up in Alaska?" In the two days since arriving in the city where it all started this is my first opportunity to sneak away to call my daughter. After spending hours pouring over mementos of our human lives, Edward needed a little break from me. We got all the way up to our wedding before Edward finally put a stop to story time. I try not to take it personally, but it still stings a little that he needs distance from me right now.

We moved fast through our childhood and adolescence, mostly because the details are hazy. I know facts about our young lives, but I have very few specific memories to offer him.

"But I come home in four days," she whines. "I don't want Rose and Em coming to get me. I want you."

And my guilt compounds.

"I know, baby. And I'm so sorry. This is just something I have to do right now."

"Why though?" I can practically see her stomping her foot. She's frustrated with my vague answers but I can't explain fully yet. Edward needs to know first. Since he came back we've only really covered our time together and family background stuff. He knows that our parents were best friends. That we grew up in a wealthy neighborhood right next door to each other, his father a lawyer and mine a senator. He understands that our union was practically arranged from conception, but neither of us minded because we were fairly inseparable right from the very beginning. Talking about his mother was hard. After my own mother died when I was ten, Elizabeth really took me in. I shared good memories of our blossoming romantic relationship, our first innocent kiss, and our engagement.

Still, with all the old pictures and family heirlooms I managed to save, it's a lot for Edward to take in.

When I vaguely alluded to our wedding night Edward tensed up and asked that I leave him in peace, giving him some alone time.

"It's complicated, honey. This old friend needs me right now. We knew each other as humans and I'm filling him in on some history," I explain, trying to get as close to the truth as possible with out just blurting out that her father is back from the dead.

"I guess he needs you more than I do," Ness mutters. "I just miss you is all."

"Aw, Vanessa, you're breaking my heart here. I miss you so very, very much and love you even more than that. I just need to be away for awhile, okay?"

We hang up after solemnly swearing to call each other at least every other day.

I wander around the city, remembering what it once looked like, until the sky begins to lighten. When I get a few blocks from our old apartment I loiter in the ally by a butcher, waiting for it to open. At seven I'm able to avoid the sunlight and purchase some pigs blood, something I'm not overly comfortable with but hunting in the city isn't exactly an option.

Pigeon is the only source of fresh prey and even us vegetarian vamps have limits.

And I need all the blood I can get if I manage to put my plan into motion.

Sticking to the shadows becomes impossible, as that summer sun gets higher in the sky, leaving me with no choice but to return to the apartment. Before I even open the door I can sense that he's not inside. My disappointment is almost crushing and I crawl into our old bed, pretending to sleep as I push away dark thoughts.

His backpack still sits in a corner. He wouldn't leave me again, especially without his few worldly possessions. He promised that he wouldn't just leave without talking to me first.

I catch a whiff of him from somewhere above. It makes me melt in relief. Rushing to the kitchen, I prepare us each a mug full of blood, heated up in the microwave. The whole thing is unappetizing even to me, so it's best if Edward doesn't witness the process.

"Did you slaughter a pig in here?" he asks, closing the front door behind him as I emerge from the kitchen, a large cup in each hand.

"Not quite," I murmur, having a hard time acting normal when he looks so beautiful. I can smell the sunshine on his flawless skin. "Just don't question it," I say, cutting him off before he can ask where it came from.

Totally unappetizing.

He stares at the mug for a moment, muttering something about this being "unnatural" under his breath. I smile and sip, watching him.

"I didn't mean to kick you out last night," he says quietly. Things are almost more awkward now that he knows the majority of what I remember from our human days. "I apologize, Bella. I can see that my presence causes you pain. Really, I don't mean to hurt you."

I smile, his words pleasing me endlessly.

"This whole bizarre thing is hard for both of us," I reply. "Thank you for understanding that."

Edward nods and sips his blood, his brow furrowed in distaste. I grin into my own serving because he's just so endlessly adorable.

"Where did you go last night?" he asks.

"I just wandered, explored some of our old haunts. It's been a long time since I was here for more than a day or so," I reply. As we engage in polite conversation I can feel us both relax. "Where were you? You smell… sunny."

Edward gives me that gorgeous crooked grin and it takes all my willpower to focus on his reply.

"Roof," he says, pointing up. "Quite the view."

"Indeed it is."

We lapse into awkward silence. Everything I consider saying is inappropriately sexual. Expressing a desire to lick his jaw as he sparkles would definitely be considered rushing it, I believe.

"I've been thinking a lot about my decision to go overseas," he says. I stifle a groan because we are getting to the gut wrenching, my numbingly painful part of our story. Giving him the details of our lives leading up to his departure will physically hurt. These memories are so clear for me, sharp and painful.

And it's all down hill from here. Everything else that I have to tell him is sure to induce panic, confusion, and quite possibly rage.

"Your letter, the one I woke up with, has always baffled me. It's so obvious you loved me, but you were also so angry with me. I don't understand. How could you be both?" Edward cocks his head to the side and studies me intently.

"Those pesky human emotions tend to be pretty complicated," I say with a slight grin.

"Yes. I'm beginning to see that."

We exchange smiles but all to soon I have to get down to business.

"My anger wasn't really anger," I attempt to explain. "It was really fear. And a little bit of anger, but mostly I was just terrified of losing you. I loved you so much."

Edward just blinks owlishly, still not really getting it.

"Can I try something?" I ask, slowly approaching him.

"Try what?"

"I'm not very good at this yet and I've only practiced on my family, but I've been curious about it since the moment I found out about your gift." I'm babbling because I'm nervous. This is an extreme risk, given what he could learn if I let him run about in my head, but my metal control is superb after almost a hundred years of practice. "When I let Kate in she can zap me, so in theory you should be able to hear my thoughts. And when I focus hard enough on these memories it's like a movie. You'll see what I saw. Feel what I felt. I'll do what I do when I pretend to sleep."

Edward stares blankly. "You've completely lost me, Isabella," he says, taking a big gulp of his breakfast. Even his winces are sexy.

"My shield," I say, gesturing absently to me head. "It has all these weird layers and facets. Carlisle is constantly pushing me to see what else I can do. When I was a newborn it would just protect me from other vamps abilities. Now I can extend it to protect my family, too. But it's like there are two layers. Even when I've stretched it out to include them, I'm still protected in my own head. I've been trying to control the second layer, let vamps all the way into my head. Last time I tried, Kate was able to zap me."

Edward blinks a lot. "Kate zaps people?"

I roll my eyes.

"Right," he continues. "Somehow I find it totally unsurprising that you are so complex. You're truly a fascinating creature."

He makes it sound like a good thing and I'll take any complement I can get.

"So, can we try? See if you can hear me after all? Or see my thoughts or whatever."

"What exactly do you plan on showing me?" he asks.

I pause because this is a very good question that I hadn't really considered. Part of me wants to show him our wedding or something equally romantic, but that would probably be rushing it.

"When you left for France?" I suggest. "That's where we are in the timeline of this little saga. Maybe it will help you understand how I felt? How you felt?"

Edward eyes me warily before giving me one brisk nod. I rush to settle him on the couch before he can change his mind. We sit facing each other. I clutch his arm, finding the connection through bare skin to be helpful.

I close my eyes and focus totally on my own head.

* * *

**So for those of you who have read Hallett Hall or Life in B Minor probably know I'm obsessed with flashbacks. That's coming next. I promise I won't go too flashback crazy this time.**

**The blood buying thing is a little nod to Buffy, my first vampire fixation.  
**

**Edward's back! What did we thing, hum?  
**


	6. For That Country, Over There

**Wow, people sure had some feelings about that last one. Pretty much everyone is just dying to know what the deal is with Nessie. All will be made known in due time. I promise. They are going in chronological order, remember? We'll get there.  
**

**Okay so I'm super nervous for this chapter. Flashback number one of probably about five, which really isn't very many considering Hallett Hall was half flashback.**

**Thank you thank you thank you for the reading and reviewing and altering and recommending. It makes me way happy.  
**

**And dowlingnana is obviously awesome.  
**

* * *

"I don't understand!" I wail, glaring up at Edward where he stands at the foot of our bed with his hands on his hips. "We just got married!"

We've had this fight almost daily in the last two months, and the same words are spoken every time. There is no progress to be made, and it is driving me insane. I should just stop so we can properly enjoy the little time we have left, but if I stop being angry for even one second the fear will cripple me.

"Bella!" he groans out, hands moving from hips to hair. He tugs at the bronze strands in a familiar gesture. "This has nothing to do with our marriage!"

My retort turns to dust on my tongue as his cruel words take root in my head. Everything I ever do is absolutely centered on him. On us. My ever-waking breath is about our relationship, and I can't understand how something so huge could have nothing to do with our marriage.

I turn my face away so he can't see the tears leaking out of my eyes and running steadily down my cheeks. I hate crying. It makes me feel so weak and fragile.

But nothing escapes the notice of my husband. Especially when it comes to me.

He rushes across the bed and pulls me into his arms, murmuring words of love in my ear and rocking me back and forth. Edward is so attentive and perfect. I completely fall apart. His comfort somehow makes it worse when I remember that soon, I won't have him here. Huge sobs wrack my body as I cry uncontrollably into his chest.

"Bella, please," he says as my break down goes on so long, it becomes alarming. "Please, love. Don't cry. I love you so much, Isabella. Please stop crying."

It takes me another five minutes of deep breathing before I calm enough to speak.

"I have ruined your fresh shirt," I murmur through my hiccups. Running my fingers over the large splotches where the moisture from my tears has caused his white button up to become almost transparent. "And I just had it laundered, too."

He chuckles into my hair, squeezing me tighter and placing a lingering kiss on my temple.

"Oh, Isabella," he says with a sigh. "I have plenty of shirts."

A hysterical little giggle bursts from my chest, but quickly disintegrates into pathetic whimpering sobs again.

"Please," Edward begs, pulling far enough away from me so he can cradle my face with his palms. "Do you know what it does to me? When you're upset? You are breaking my heart, love."

I want to scream at him again. To remind him that it's his fault I'm so upset. To pound on his chest with my fists and let out a little of the frustration, anger, and fear that has been consuming me for the last few months.

But I remain silent. I love him, and I don't want him to be upset. Instead I manage to crack a smile as he wipes away my tears with his thumbs. I get a little lost in his gorgeous green gaze. His eyes hold the same emotions as mine, the love and fear and worry, but there is an added determination there that makes me lose all hope.

He is really going to leave me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Edward puts his mouth on mine, and I kiss him back, only slightly ashamed of my obvious desperation and wantonness. I thread my fingers through his bronze hair as he lays me down on our bed, his hips coming to rest in the cradle of my thighs. I cling to him and whimper with need as I feel the reassuring weight of his body settle on top of me.

I need this. I need to feel connected to the man I love. Very soon, I won't be able to touch him at all. He will be too far away.

"What time is it?" Edward asks against my lips as my fumbling fingers finally succeed in unbuttoning his now ruined shirt.

It's a struggle to get my brain to focus on the Tiffany clock that sits on the bedside table as Edward's lips find my neck. The timepiece was a gift from him on my seventeenth birthday.

"Quarter till seven," I reply, pleased that I'm already naked as his hands trace over my skin. Why is he so interested in the time when we are together like this?

"Hmm," Edward mumbles against my collarbone.

"Oh!" I say, sitting up suddenly and clutching the sheet to my chest as I scoot away from him. "We are going to be late for supper!"

Edward crawls under the sheet, nuzzling my navel. "Then we'll be late. It is just my parents." He's reply is muffled by the linens of our bed.

Giggling, I try to roll away from his restraining arms.

"And that is exactly why we must be on time!" I declare, still laughing as I half-heartedly bat his hands away. "You have kept me in bed all day. A total waste of a perfectly good Sunday, and now there is no way we will be late for dinner at your parents!"

"We're newlyweds. This is what we are supposed to be doing," he continues. "They will understand."

"You're right," I say, feeling like crying again. "This is what we are supposed to be doing. We are supposed to be staying together."

I've effectively killed the moment, and Edward finally releases me with a heavy sigh. Needing to get away from him or risk succumbing once again to hysterics, I scramble out of bed, dashing to the bathroom and wrapping my naked frame in a silk robe on my way.

Taking deep, even breaths, I glance in the mirror at my reflection. I look panicked and heartbroken. Young and scared. With a final breath, I shake off all the negative the best I can and reach for my pearl handled hairbrush. My mahogany locks are wild, and I set about the process of taming them with impatient strokes.

Smiling ruefully to myself, I select a pair of sapphire encrusted combs to pull my hair off my face. They were a gift from Edward on my nineteenth birthday. After I finish pinning my hair up into a bun at the base of my head, I start to paint my face. I see Edward approach in the mirror, but I ignore him, continuing my long practiced routine. This isn't exactly proper, letting him see me in this half made up state, but many of those social conventions fell away the moment we were married.

Edward has replaced the shirt I soiled with a similar clean version, but has yet to put on his summer jacket. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he bends slightly at the knees in order to plant kisses on that spot where my neck meets my shoulder. His actions cause me to whimper slightly, but still I try to ignore him and focus on my makeup.

He really shouldn't be in here, seeing me like this,

"I completely resent you calling our day wasted time," he murmurs, nibbling on my earlobe.

With a smile and a giggle, I lean back into his solid, protective body.

"My apologies, Mr. Masen," I reply, running a hand through the hair behind his ear. I've never seen a similar shade on another person before, and I find myself fascinated by the silky strands. "I was totally and completely in the wrong. Do forgive me?" I turn to face him and bring my arms around his neck.

"I suppose, Mrs. Masen," he murmurs. He keeps his arms around my waist as I turn away to continue getting ready. It is with great reluctance that he lets me go long enough to retire to the closet to dress.

Even though I'm partly furious with him, I select my navy, gossamer dress with a high waist because I know he likes me in blue. It's also appropriate for the heat of the Chicago summer that never seems to abate, even when the sun goes down.

Edward is no longer in our bedroom when I finish dressing, so I push through the oak doors into the large living area of our home. We are lucky enough to descend from wealthy parents, and were able to move into our own decent sized apartment in a more affluent section of downtown after our marriage.

After my father passed, I got everything. Edward likes to joke about marrying me for my money.

I find him at the bar, staring out the window with a tumbler of whiskey in hand.

Loitering in the entryway, I take a moment to observe him. He was the most beautiful child I've ever seen, and he's grown into an equally stunning man. His features are straight, classic, as if chiseled from stone. I like to kiss his strong jaw and often get lost in his dazzling green eyes. I can never decide if I like his eyes or his crooked smile the most. Or his extremely appealing lips. Or his hair. Although he daily attempts to tame it with liberal amounts of pomade, it is wild by nature and springs free from the confines of hair products in no time at all, living it deliciously disheveled.

Now, his six foot two, lanky frame is hunched slightly as he leans on the wet bar. His brow is furrowed, and his eyes are squeezed tightly shut. Little of the chubby cheeked boy I fell in love with remains in this moment.

Suddenly, I'm on the verge of crying again.

"Dinner?" I ask, briskly moving into the room as I pull my arms through the sleeves of my light summer jacket. He turns to look at me, but doesn't leave his position at the bar. "Are you coming? Or am I going to be forced to drive myself?" I tease.

"You know I don't like you driving my car," he says, flashing me that boyish grin of his.

"Our car," I remind him as I tuck my hand through his arm. "We share everything now that we're married."

He rolls his eyes and chuckles softly. "Please, spare me the suffrage lecture for the evening. The thought of spending tonight with my parents instead of in bed with you is already giving me enough of a headache."

He claims to have no patience for the movement and teases me for my involvement, he does not begrudge me my passion like many other males of his generation would. I am so lucky, to be married to this man who allows me my freethinking ways and indulges my desire to defy social norms.

Blushing furiously, I giggle into his shoulder as he pulls me closer. Edward places a kiss against my temple, and I close my eyes, breathing him in.

In a short time, I won't have the luxury of simply embracing my husband.

"Bella?" I glance up, a little alarmed that his tone has gone from humorous to serious so quickly. "I really do love you. More than my own life."

I have to look away. Once, I had complete faith in the validity of his declarations but his decision to leave has filled me with doubts. But I don't tell him this. I don't tell him anything. He is going and I don't want to argue with him in the little time we have together.

We make the short drive through the city to the Masen's home in relative silence, but he keeps his hand in mine for the entirety of the drive. When we arrive in the familiar old neighborhood, with tall lush trees and neoclassic stone homes as old as the city, Edward opens my door and offers me a hand. I step down and tuck my hand in the crook of his elbow again.

Although we approach Edward's childhood home, my gaze lingers on mine right next door. Memories of sitting with my mother on the porch swing flood my mind. She would read to me, and sometimes I would lose track of the words and get lost in the cadence of her voice. My mother's voice was the most soothing thing in the world and managed to get me through all the perils of youth. The bumps. The bruises. The tears.

I highly doubt her voice could get me through Edward's departure, but I can't help but wish talking to her was an option.

Edward and I grew up together, as neighbors and friends. I scarcely have a childhood memory without Edward in it.

As of now, the grand home of my youth sits empty. I can't bring myself to sell it or live in it.

"Good evening!" Elizabeth Masen shouts, opening the front door as Edward and I ascend the steps. "Eddie, they are here!" She calls behind her for Edward's father, Edward Sr., before rushing towards us in greeting.

"Hello, Elizabeth," I say, smiling fondly as she pulls me into a firm hug. She's a tall woman, and I have to look up to look at her when she pulls away to examine me.

"You look lovely, my dear," she says, touching the clips in my hair and beaming. "I love this color on you, and so does my son," she whispers in my ear, hugging me again, and causing me to blush.

Elizabeth was always an important figure in my life, and became my surrogate mother at the age of ten when my own mother died of scarlet fever. She and my mother grew up together, and were best friends before either could even walk.

Her hair is a lighter version of Edward's, but the eyes are an exact match.

She moves on to embrace her son as Edward Sr. steps onto the porch. When I was a child, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. He is my Edward all grown up, so my youthful convictions are still fairly valid. The hair, age, and eyes are the only real differences between the two. Edward Sr.'s black hair is now flecked with grey at the temple, but he looks just as dashing as ever in his pressed black suit.

"Hello, Bella," he says quietly, pulling me into a hug. Being around Edward Sr. makes me miss my own father desperately.

Charles Swan and Edward Masen Sr. also grew up together in the same small, southern Illinois town. After graduating high school, they moved together to the big city to study law at the University of Chicago. There they met best friends Elizabeth Reaser and Renee Higgenbottom at a charity ball, and the rest is history.

The union between Edward and I was anticipated from our births, three months apart.

"How are you holding up?" my father-in-law asks so just I can hear as Elizabeth continues to fawn over her son.

"Fine," I say. Tears threaten to fall down my cheeks again, as they do every time I think of his upcoming departure.

"He wouldn't be the man you love if he didn't stay true to his convictions," Edward Sr. murmurs.

I just nod, because logically I know his words are true. But that doesn't change the fact that he is leaving the safety of our home and could possibly never come back.

"Mother, please!" An exasperated Edward pulls away from his mother who attempts to fuss with his hair, and reaches for my hand. "Can we just eat? I'm famished."

He smirks at me, and I blush in answer because I know exactly why he is so hungry.

We settle around the formal dining room table. This room conjures lingering anxieties from my youth. We were not to play in here for fear we would sully the expensive oriental rugs, china cabinets filled with unspeakable treasures, chestnut furniture, and crystal chandlers. Edward once tracked muddy footprints through the room, and the subsequent verbal lashing remains in my memory.

"Shame on the pair of you," Elizabeth admonishes. "I did not see you at church this morning."

"It was one week, Mother," Edward says with a chuckle. "We will make up by spending double the time with our before bed prayers."

My cheeks are almost painfully red, as I remember what we were doing instead.

"Even so," she replies. "Try not to make a habit, dear."

"Yes, Mother," he says with only minimal eye rolling.

Everyone chuckles at the exchange, but eventually the pleasantries end. Elizabeth is just as distraught as I am about Edward's future, and even more willing to vocalize her fears. Edward struggles to keep the talk light, but by the third course the inevitable comes up.

"Bella, I really do think that you must move in here come September," she says, abruptly changing the subject from a rather dull discussion on the weather. At her words, I glance up from my roast to see my husband scowling at his mother.

"Really, Mother, I don't think that will be necessary," he replies, running his hand through his hair.

"Elizabeth, do you really want to discuss this now?" asks Edward Sr. in his slow, low voice. But his wife ignores him.

"Edward, really. Have some sense," she scolds. "Do you want Bella all alone in the heart of the city? Is that what you want, Bella?"

"Well, when you put it that way," Edward mumbles, looking uncomfortable.

"I quite like being in the city," I put in, being as it is my daily life we are actually discussing. "It's close to the hospital, and I was thinking about getting a real job there. Maybe training as a nurse."

"What? " Edward shouts, his eyes bulging out comically as a chunk of meat falls off the fork midway to his mouth. "We never discussed this. Bella, I am perfectly capable of taking care of you."

It does not seem like a good moment to point out that technically I take care of him, what with him being in school and me being a wealthy heiress and all.

"Well, what else am I supposed to do with myself when you leave?" I ask with a huff. "One can only be so involved in so many local charities. And if you are going to do something noble and selfless for your country, then so am I."

"I don't like the idea of you working," he continues, glaring at me, "especially in a place where you could easily get sick. It is too dangerous, and I won't have it."

The hypocrisy of that statement has me fuming. "Yes," I say, my voice low and sharp as I seethe. "And I don't want you in danger either, but no occupation is perfect. Is it, Edward?"

"Bella," he replies through clenched teeth. "I refuse to discuss this further in front of my parents."

"At some point it will need to be discussed, darling," Elizabeth adds. "You made this decision, but you need to understand that it effects those beyond you. Now, Bella. Please think about getting more involved in my charities and moving back here. If not with us, than at least in your father's house."

"I'm not sure," I say, although the thought of staying in our apartment without Edward is repugnant.

"At least say you'll think about it," Elizabeth presses.

"I'll think about it."

Dinner is quiet after that, and we finish quickly. After the meal, we retire to the music room for drinks. Edward plays the piano, and we listen in silence. I drink too much wine, and lean heavily on Edward as we walk to the car at the end of the evening.

"You smell good," I murmur, pressing my nose into Edward's neck when he joins me in the vehicle.

"Oh, my," he comments with a chuckle. "You _are_ drunk."

"So good," I continue, ignoring him. Abruptly, I go from giggly to weepy. "What am I going to do when you leave and you take your smell with you?"

We putter along, and Edward sighs heavily. I sniff into his shoulder, and Edward wraps an arm around my shoulders, hand cradling my head. "I hate this," he mutters. "I hate upsetting you, fighting with you."

The fighting is so very new to us.

"You did this," I say somewhat pathetically. "You are making our lives so difficult."

"Doing the right thing is rarely easy, love," he whispers.

Again, I want to tell him that I don't believe this is the right thing. Going to a different continent to fight a different country's war is not my idea of right at all. In fact I find it wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. He claims that it is only a matter of time before he is drafted anyway. I insist that he should just wait. We can't agree.

I'm half asleep when we arrive home. Again, Edward has to practically carry me upstairs, but I wake fully when he gently lays me on our bed.

"Edward," I murmur as he stands above me, removing his coat and loosening his tie. The dull light from the illuminated bathroom and the moon causes Edward to look both more beautiful and more intense. And I want him. Need him. Don't want him to go.

"I love you so much," he says, keeping his voice unnecessary low. He hooks his thumbs at the tops of his suspenders before pulling them down his arms. The movement causes muscles in his neck to ripple. I want to touch them, to feel the movement, but he is too far away.

If inches between us upset me so, how will I possibly be able to cope with the whole Atlantic Ocean?

"Please," I whimper. But I know he won't give me what I really want, just what I desire in this moment.

He lowers himself slowly, supporting his weight with his hands on either side of my head. With excruciatingly gentle movements, he runs a hand down the length of my body, before forcing me to roll over to get at the tiny buttons that go down the length of my spine.

"You look so beautiful in this dress," he says as I lie still and let him undress me. "Even when you're angry with me."

"We could fight some more, if you like," I mutter into the blanket. "Perhaps that will force your fingers to move quicker."

"Impatient tonight, are we?" he replies with a chuckle before planting a kiss on the exposed skin at the back of my neck. "And you very well know that I detest fighting with you."

"Hmm," I hum in pleasure as he continues to kiss the skin he exposes with the unbuttoning. Eventually, all the pesky little buttons are undone, and I turn over again, sitting up and raising my arms over my head to help him easily remove the garment.

"You should really hang that," I murmur, laying back down. I hear the thunk of his shoes as he removes them and crawls back up over my body.

"Don't care." His breath is hot against the skin of my neck and his weight settles on the length of my body.

"It's your favorite dress," I remind him with a sigh. He pulls off my slip and other pieces of clothing, until I'm naked below him.

"My wife," he murmurs in exultation. "So beautiful."

Before we were married, when we stole secret kisses and chaste touches in limited private moments, I never imagined anything with my husband could be like this. Then, I would tremble with the need of something undefined, foreign to me. Now, I understand giving and receiving pleasure much better, but my need for him has not abated. If anything, I've gotten more desperate for him. Especially since I learned of his leaving.

The wine and heady sensation of Edward's languid kisses makes it impossible to open my eyes or really even lift my head. Reaching up to bring him closer, I'm highly displeased to feel cloth instead of skin.

"You're wearing too many clothes," I say, pouting slightly. He chuckles in response, leaving my body only for a moment before returning in a blessed state of nakedness.

We move together in the ancient choreography of the physical expression of love. The room is quiet except for our combined breathing, moans, and pants. I didn't know it was possible to feel this much pleasure, this alive, this close to another.

I call his name, and he responds with mine. We stay as we are, coming down from the highest of highs, before Edward pulls the covers over our naked forms. We lie wrapped together in our marital bed, and again I find tears leaking from my eyes. He holds me close, telling me how much he loves me, until I finally drift to sleep.

* * *

When the dreaded day at the beginning of October arrives, I'm oddly numb. I've said all there is to say, and thoroughly cried myself out. Even though I'm keenly aware that this is the last morning I'll be waking up next to my husband for an uncertain amount of time, I can't find it in me to feel much of anything at all.

"You look awfully dashing in that uniform," I tell him when he emerges from our room, fully dressed and carrying his large duffle on his shoulder.

Despite his assurances that he is only going as a medic, as a part of an ambulance corps, that he will be safe, he looks awfully like a solider to me.

"Thank you, love," he replies blushing but looking pleased with himself.

"Those poor French women," I mutter, approaching him and straightening his already straight collar. "You will drive them crazy, but they will never have you."

"Yes, I most definitely belong to someone else," he replies, leaning down to plant a chaste kiss on my temple. This gesture is familiar, but does little to comfort me today.

"You most definitely do," I say, wrapping my arms around his waist. "I love you, my darling. So much."

"As I love you." When he kisses me this time, it's fully on the mouth. This kiss is desperate, needy, and expresses everything we feel. I love him. I fear for him. I even hate him, just a little bit, for his decision to leave.

All too soon, his parents arrive. We shall all accompany him to the train station. I sit in the back with Edward, gripping his hand in hope that if I hold on long enough, he will somehow not leave. He runs a thumb over my knuckles, but his free hand has taken up residence in his hair, indicating that he is much more nervous then he has let on as of yet.

No one really talks, and Elizabeth cries silently in the front seat the entire way. I feel like I should be crying too. My husband is leaving, and I should be hysterical. It's my wifely duty to be hysterical, but I can't feel anything.

Edward's father parks the car, and the four of us make our way to the platform. I stick close to Edward as Elizabeth lectures her son on taking care of himself, minding his manners, and writing as often as possible. I feel as though I should be doing the same, speaking and interacting with him until the last possible moment, but I can't find it in me to make small talk. All the words I have for him will only make us both feel worse.

Far too soon, the train pulls into the station and this all becomes very real.

"Don't go," I beg, suddenly panicking. I turn to face him and take his face in my hands. "Please. Please don't leave me."

He closes his eyes, clenching his jaw. I can't tell if I've angered him, but he is obviously upset. Drawing deep, even breaths, he collects himself as my eyes search his face. "Bella, we've been through this," he whispers finally, his voice breaking. "I have to go."

"You don't have to do anything!" I yell, my momentarily absent tears returning with a vengeance. "You volunteered! They can't make you do anything. This isn't your country you're laying down your life for!"

"Well, it should be," he returns. I can tell he's really struggling to keep his voice low. "I will be saving the lives of brave men. I'm going for honor. Duty. To protect the freedom of my country. To make the world a safe and peaceful place for you, love. I'm going _because_ I love you."

"But, that's really—" I try to respond, but he interrupts me.

"Please, Isabella." He's the one begging now, grabbing my waist and pulling me close. I have to crane my neck to see him even as he stares down at me pleadingly. "Please, we both know that in a few minutes, I'm getting on that train. We've gone over all this hundreds of times. Now, I need you to just support me. Please, just hold me and tell me you love me."

I lock my arms around his neck a moment later, pulling his face against my shoulder and pushing one hand into his hair. His arms come fully around me, lifting my feet off the ground to insure that there is no space between us.

"I love you," I tell him through the sobs that wrack my body. "I love you so much, ever since I can remember. "

"I love you," he replies, lifting his head to meet my gaze. "More than my own life."

Except not more than his ideas of freedom, apparently. But I push this thought away, determined to get everything I can out of this goodbye.

"I can't live without you, Edward," I say. "I won't survive if you don't."

"Bella, please don't worry. I'll come back to you. I promise. It will be safe. I will be well out of the trenches," he insists, gaze burning into mine now. Logically, I know that this is not a promise he can keep, but it makes me feel better anyway.

"You better," I reply, stroking his face with my fingertips. His eyes flutter closed and he breathes me in. "Because if you die over there, Edward," the tears are falling at an alarming rate now, "I'll have to kill you."

Blinking away his own tears, he lets out a surprised laugh before kissing me again. It's a desperate sort of kiss that fills me with every conceivable emotion, but I try to focus on the love. I love him. So much, my heart hurts.

His kiss completely overwhelms me, and it's over far too quickly.

Edward sets me down and pulls away ruefully before moving to say his goodbyes to his parents as the conductor calls the all aboard. A moment later, he shoulders his bag, and moves back to me. With his hand around my neck, he pulls my lips back to his.

"I love you," I tell him as he kisses me again. "Come back to me."

"As I love you," he murmurs. "And I'll always find my way back to you Bella. That's a promise."

Elizabeth pulls me into her arms as Edward disappears onto the train. Edward Sr. stands behind us, a hand on each of our shoulders. The vehicle slowly rolls away and I completely fall apart.

* * *

**Yup. So that was that. Off he went. Next time we're back to the present. Shouldn't been too long now. Your thoughts are always greatly appreciated. **


	7. See Your Memory

"Bella? Please, come back. Are you okay? Bella!"

At the feel of hard hands on my shoulders and the sound of the panicking voice, my eyes jerk open. I lose focus and let my shield snap back into place. The sensation is abrupt and the pain is sharp. It feels like my head is splitting in two. Although I've practiced this before, I've never attempted anything quite so big. Still, in all my years experimenting and honing my shield I've experienced many crippling headaches when I've pushed too hard.

It will pass.

My whole body is shaking. As I slowly come back to myself I realize that my nails are digging into Edward's arms. He cups my elbows and continues to speak, but it takes me a few more moments to calm down enough to understand his frantic words.

"I'm okay," I assure him as I slump forward. Vampires aren't supposed to get exhausted, but extreme fatigue is another side effect of mental over exertion. My head finds the little crook between his neck and his shoulder. His arm comes around me, and he strokes my hair. "This has happened before. I'm fine."

"Fine? You're not fine!" Although I feel bad that I scared him, his concern warms me up. I let his scent and the feel of him soothe my head. "You're still shaking!"

"Just give me a minute," I murmur. "I didn't think it would work so well and once I started I got wrapped up in everything. It was so big and I wasn't paying attention to my boundaries."

"Fuck," he mutters. His curse makes me shiver slightly. My human husband would have been thoroughly scandalized and for whatever reason I find this change appealing. Far too appealing, given what I just relived for him.

I had no plans to remember something so intimate for him, but I just got swept away. It felt like I was right back there, back at the beginning of the end. Or what I thought was our end. This place and this man and the memories. It's almost too much.

"We can't do that again," he says, continuing to stroke my hair. He pulls me a little closer and the pain in my head melts away.

"You didn't like it?" I whisper. He didn't like learning about our past this way, and it breaks my heart. I've never been so open with someone. My default setting is self-preservation, and letting someone all the way in like that, letting him see all I have, leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable.

"I… It was amazing and horrible all at once," he says. I tilt my head, allowing me to stare up at him in confusion. He looks pretty shaken himself. "Your thoughts are so clear. They are so focused and detailed, it's almost like I could see your memory. I could feel how you felt. I'm totally overcome by you, Bella."

"Was it too much? Too fast?"

Of course it was. I have no idea where that sex bit in the middle came from. It was like once I started to remember the memory just got away from me, but I really tried my hardest to get that part to fade to black.

No rushing; Alice's orders.

"Look at you!" he shouts, scowling down at me even as he cradles me to his chest. He's so adorable, with the little line that appears between his brows. "You are not okay. It was obviously too much!"

I sigh, annoyed that he's focused on my current weakened state rather than what I just shared with him. Carefully as to not disturb my head, I sit up. Not touching him feels all wrong, but I have to know what he's thinking.

Carlisle always thought that I have some hidden power to commandeer the mental gifts of others, like I can in theory absorb them into my shield and then figure out how to use them. I'm cursing myself for never exploring that particular avenue. I would love to be able to read his mind in this moment.

"This happens," I say, gesturing towards my still aching head. The pain is dull now, but still uncomfortable. "I didn't plan on pushing myself so much, but I was just so absorbed in the memory. I should have warned you it might be like this."

"Damn right you should have warned me," he says with a growl. "So I wouldn't have fucking let you do it!"

"Let me?" I yell back, wincing when my own voice makes my brain rattle around in my skull. "Let me! Glad to see your control freakiness has followed you into unlife!"

"I can say the same about your recklessness!"

My hands ball into fists at my sides as I resist the urge to give into the vampire and attack him.

"Me? Reckless? I'm not the one who went gallivanting off to Europe to fight someone else's war and ended up getting killed!"

He freezes, his eyes going wide as his face crumples in pain. The urge to attack leaves me in a rush. I hate that I hurt him.

There was something cathartic about reliving that for him. My anger is fading. Edward is sitting here with me on the couch and I can finally let go.

So yelling at him feels extra worse.

"Edward…" I start.

"Don't," he says. I'm glad for the interruption because I had no idea what to say. Probably because there is absolutely nothing to say to make this any easier for either of us. Edward drops his gaze to his lap. "What kind of miserable fool was I? What could I have possibly been thinking?"

The self-depreciative thing was something that constantly irritated me in human Edward. This is another thing that death failed to change.

"What do you mean?" I ask, scooting a little closer to him. Our knees bump.

"That man in your memories… he looks like me and talks like me, but I'm struggling to find anything else familiar in him. How could I have left you? I felt how much you loved him. And he obviously loved you back. How could I have risked losing that?" he says, yanking on his hair with both hands.

His words bring my old insecurities to the surface. When he left, it felt like he didn't really love me, not the way I loved him. That still seems the same. I'm already head over heels for this new vampire I don't even really know yet. He is simply confused and wary of me.

"I still don't really have an answer to that," I mutter. "You were swept up in the culture of the time. Thought you needed to prove your masculinity through honor and duty and all that crap that they like to make you think can only be achieved by war. Plus, all your peers were doing it."

"I'm going because I love you," he murmurs, repeating some of his last words to me. It feels like a bulldozer to the gut. "That I can almost begin to understand. I think. It makes more sense then the rest of my human drabble."

I just blink at him, having no idea what to make of that.

"How can you stand to be around me?" he spits out with disgust when I remain silent a beat too long. "I was completely moronic. I ruined the life we could've had."

I can't look at him because he's right. Although at no point in my unlife did I let myself consider the "what- ifs", I've been doing it since his return. I imagine it, what we would have had together as humans with a human Vanessa. Our lives would have been idyllic and wonderful and short.

Still, the thought makes me sad. I would never have known Carlisle or Alice or the others. Ness would never have found Jacob (which might be a positive, depending on how I look at it).

But Edward would never have murdered thousands and I would never have been without him.

Ultimately, the what-if game proves both stupid and painful and I tell him so.

"Who knows what would have happened if you didn't leave? There are a million things that could have gone wrong and cut our time short. At least this way we have a little shot at redemption. We can get a do over." Edward's eyes widen as he takes in what I'm saying. I curse myself for being an idiot and pushing too fast, wanting too much. "Please, just don't berate yourself about this."

He nods once but it's just to placate me. I remind myself that the only reason he's here is to pick my brain, to learn what I keep stored away in this strange head of mine.

Although I can't help but have that little tingling of hope that it might possibly become more. He didn't like me pushing so hard. That worry has to be something, right?

Plus, he came back to me. Just like he promised.

"Edward," I ask, concerned by that far away look on his face. I touch the back of his hand, but pull back when he jumps. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" He looks at me for a long moment, runs his hands through his hair, and lets out a big sigh. "I need a walk."

I seem to deflate in disappointment. I need to know what he's thinking, but he needs to be on his own to figure that out at all.

I glance out the window, somewhat shocked to see that while I was focusing on my memories, the sun went down. We were at it for hours. No wonder I'm so exhausted.

"Okay," I whisper, absolutely hating the vulnerability I hear in my own voice. It's so horribly uncomfortable, being in this position.

"Do you need anything? Will anything help?" he asks. I can see that he is just twitchy to leave, to be away from me for a few peaceful moments.

The only thing that will help needs a fucking walk.

"No," I say, turning away. I can't watch him walk out that door again. Instead I close my eyes and go fetal, wrapping my arms around my aching head. "Nothing helps."

He looks at me expectantly and I just stare back, not getting what he wants from me at this point. I've already given him permission to go.

"So you aren't up for it?" he finally asks after long moments of silence.

"For what?"

"A walk."

"Oh!" I exclaim. "You want me to go with you?"

"Well, yes," he says, blinking at me like I'm a total moron. "That was really intense, Bella, for both of us. I'm not going to leave you alone here, and if you're not up for it than I'll wait."

"I'm up for it."

"You sure?"

Instead of answering I simply jump to my feet and extend my hand towards him. Grinning at me, he takes it.

* * *

We find our way to the top of a rusted out old lighthouse that sits on an abandoned jetty, sticking out in Lake Michigan. It was incredibly difficult to find a private spot in the bustling city, but out here it's almost peaceful.

"Is it quiet?" I ask Edward as I enjoying dangling my feet off the edge of a structure.

"Almost," he replies. We both keep our voices low. It seems to go with the mood of this introspective night. "There's a man who really loves his cats a mile away."

I giggle as the wind whips my hair around my head.

We've been out here for hours now, mostly sitting in silence but occasionally sharing some inane thought. It was incredibly difficult for me to hold my tongue and not pester him incessantly to find out what he thought of all I showed him.

But he needs a break. I'm thrilled that this time he wants me around for his break.

"I remember your eyes," he whispers.

Although I was enjoying the peace, his words immediately have my full and undivided attention.

"My eyes?"

"Yeah." His eyes are closed and his face is tilted up. He seems to be enjoying the breeze coming off the water. "Over the last century I've gotten flashes of them, you know? Those big dark eyes of yours were stuck somewhere in my head I guess. I'd come across humans, women, whose eyes reminded me of something I couldn't quite place. And they were never quite right. But they were yours, weren't they?"

He looks at me now, and I'm confronted with his eyes that are so different than the ones in my memory. They are still a very pale red, almost orange: Almost like mine are now.

"Yes," I say, smiling slightly. "You were always fond of my eyes."

"Well, they left quite the impression, apparently," he says, turning to look at me now.

We share a lovely little moment.

"Is that all you remember?" The question sort of bursts out of me. I've been holding it in for hours, but now I'm upset to have ruined the pleasant vibe we had going on.

Edward winces and I feel like such an asshole.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he says. "I know you were hoping it would all come back, but it's really just your eyes."

I smile at this.

"But… well, it's helped. I feel different. It's all very familiar, these things you tell me. I know it in my bones that what you say is true. Almost like my body remembers what it's like. "

I remember our heated exchange before he ran off and suppress a shudder.

"It's hard to explain," he continues. "But being around you has made me remember a feeling. I don't feel so… hollow."

"Oh, Edward," I say. Not touching him is no longer an option and I grab his hand. It's such a relief when he weaves his fingers though mine. I hate thinking of him hollow. I hate thinking about his lonely, bloody century away from me.

"We don't need to talk about it now, Bella," he says with a sigh.

I go silent again, not wanting to push him. Edward doesn't let go of my hand. Another hour passes.

"We've had sex."

I almost hear my neck creak I turn to gape at him so fast. All I can do for a moment is gape at him before I burst out in hysterical laughter.

It's obviously the wrong reaction if Edward's horrified expression is any indication, but I'm so emotionally exhausted I can't help it.

I try to get control of myself and cover my face in my hands to hide my embarrassment. I manage for a moment, but peaking at Edward's face again makes me lose it all over again.

This must be what slaphappy feels like.

"Bella!" Edward finally shouts at me. Although he tries to be stern and shocked, my laughter must be contagious because he lets out a couple chocked chuckles before joining me in the belly laughs.

And then we're laughing together. Really laughing. The absurdity of the whole situation hits us, and we can't help it. I don't recall laughing like this in years. I wonder if Edward remembers laughing like this at all.

But all too soon the tragic parts of the situation returns. We both sober at the same time.

"I'm sorry," I say, mortified by my behavior. "I just wasn't expecting that."

"Well, I wasn't expected you to show me what you did! I mean really, Bella. Are you trying to kill me?"

I really can't believe we are talking about this. It's making not pushing him much more difficult because oh, how I want to push him. Right into bed.

"It just happened!" I shout, defending myself. Edward definitely seems flustered, but not necessarily mad. "The whole thing got away from me. That won't happen again."

Edward pouts at me for a moment before sighing and nodding.

"Before…" This is dangerous territory, but I can't manage to keep my big stupid mouth shut. "Right before you left in Forks…"

Edward stares determinedly down at the dark water, but nods for me to continue.

"You said… you said you hadn't… um…"

Fuck, this is incredibly awkward.

"I didn't think I'd ever done that before," he admits, shuffling around awkwardly.

"How is that even remotely possible?" I demand before I can think better of it. He looks exceedingly uncomfortable and I want to stuff the words right back in my mouth.

What am I thinking? Going down this route?

"Would you prefer I banged every she vamp I encountered in the last century?" Oh, he's all cross and sassy. It's oddly appealing.

"Don't be absurd," I say, rubbing his shoulder in assurance. "It's just… look at you!"

He raises an eyebrow at me in confusion.

"You are crazy attractive. You know that right?"

Edward just sputters at me, looking so adorable and embarrassed.

"Well, you are. So it's just surprising, given the way you lived in full on, violent, passion driven vampire mode."

"I was always much more controlled and empathetic than my companions," Edward says. "And to be perfectly honest I had plenty of opportunity."

I huff at this. Edward grins.

"James was always so obnoxious about it, always foisting someone upon me. It drove him crazy that I abstained, and I rather enjoyed pissing him off."

"Let me get this straight," I say. "You remained celibate for a century to piss off James?"

It all seems rather unbelievable.

"James is twisted and domineering," Edward murmurs. "Trust me, it was for the best."

I bite the inside of my cheek to refrain from demanding answers. Alice said not to rush. And he might never want to talk about. Really, what is there to say? I get it, even if the details and stories are unknown.

"So what's next?" Edward asks, changing the subject.

"I'll show you." I eagerly reach out to touch him, knowing full well that I'm still way too weak for this.

"Absolutely not!"

"You're right. I need at least another twelve hours to recuperate." Stupid, freaky shielded brain. My head still aches, but something about being with Edward makes me forget.

"Bella," he says with a heavy sigh. "I can't have you doing this to yourself. It hurts you."

"It's good practice," I insist. "I'm getting stronger. Each time will be a little easier."

He eyes me dubiously.

"Please, Edward." I'm begging somewhat shamefully, pressing myself into his side and giving him big, sad eyes. This always worked on my human husband, and I do it now without thought. "It's good for both of us. Please, I want to do this."

He sighs heavily.

"So what's next?"

My desire to celebrate my victory vanishes as I think about the answer to his question.

"Next we die."

* * *

We get back to our apartment as the sun comes up and I find I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so goddamn tired. Talking doesn't seem like an option. I'm obviously not ready to tackle showing him the next part.

I find myself standing awkwardly in the living room, wringing my hands.

"Bella, you should lie down," Edward suggests as he watches me.

"I'm fine."

Edward growls, but I can't figure out why.

"Bella, it's written all over your face. It still aches, doesn't it?" He approaches me, and for a moment I don't know if he's referring to my head or my non-beating heart.

When he cradles my head I get it.

"Yes," I admit. It would have been the same answer, either way.

Edward sighs as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. He leads me to the bedroom – our former bedroom – and I just stand by in a sort of daze as he pulls back the covers.

"In you go."

I do as he says.

He tucks me in and I find I don't even have the energy to ask him to join me. I curl up, wrapping my arms around my head as I pretend to sleep. This time I don't summon my dream husband.

He's in the other room, pouring over old mementos.

* * *

For the remainder of the day I meditate, comforted by the sounds of Edward in the next room. I don't sleep like humans do, but I recharge my head in a way that is somewhat unprecedented in the vampire world. Everyone I know either thinks I'm strange or faking it.

Still, I'm aware enough in this dream like state to know Edward is near by.

But when I hear the first few tentative notes on the piano, it takes me longer than it should to understand the significance. At first when I hear him start to play it seems perfectly familiar and commonplace. He always played so beautifully as a human and it was one of his favorite past times. We spent many a night with him at the piano and me with a book.

I recognize the old song, _Maiden with the Dreamy Eyes, _but in Edward's hands the upbeat number is mournful and haunting.

I wonder if he's played in the last hundred years.

I sit up, staring hard at the door as I debate whether or not I should go to him. I don't want to disturb his concentration, but I'm sure he's already heard me rustling around in here.

"Bella," he says from the other room. He doesn't need to even raise his voice.

"Yes?" I reply, using the same volume I would if he was next to me.

"Do I play the piano?"

I giggle because I think the answer to that one is pretty obvious. With every note his confidence improves. He becomes surer. I get up, combing out my hair with my fingers as I make my way to Edward and his piano.

"What do you think?" I ask him quietly as I slide onto the bench next to him.

I watch his fingers move over the keys. Edward at the piano is an image I never thought I'd see again. It feels like something gets lodged in my throat as my chest expands. It chokes me up, seeing him like this again.

"This is pretty neat," Edward says, smiling softly as his fingers move. He abandons the tune that was popular during our human time and moves on to one he wrote himself. I don't remember if he even named it but the melody is very familiar.

"Pretty neat?" I ask. "Pretty neat?"

"What? It is. I can play the piano!"

"I would say it's more extraordinarily awesome," I mutter petulantly.

Edward just shakes his head at me and grins down at his hands. His joy is infectious and I find myself matching his grin. I go from studying his hands to studying his face.

What I see there makes my breath catch in my throat.

Here at the piano, Edward looks more human than vampire. He looks so young and so much like my husband my breath hitches. Besides the immortal beauty of vampirism, other factors have altered his appearance as well. He is an old soul now. He bares the burden of a century as a predator. It weighs heavily on him, as it does me.

But with Edward at the piano, he looks young and free and light and so incredibly happy.

He starts to play _The Entertainer_ and I laugh.

"Are you mocking me, Isabella?" he asks.

"No," I reply. "It's just a silly song."

"I can play the piano," he repeats with that crooked smile of his. He grins with his whole face.

"Very well," I reply. "You'd practice for hours. You loved it."

"It sure seems that way."

Edward's fingers seem unable to settle on a melody, and for a long while I just listen as I gaze at him adoringly. I'm so consumed by watching his face as he plays that it takes me several seconds to notice that he's stopped playing.

I glanced up at him only to find him studying me intently.

"How's your head?" he asks, tilting my face towards his. It's almost as if he's trying to find any signs of exhaustion spelled across my forehead.

"Perfect," I reply.

"Are you just telling me that?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.

"No! Believe it or not, I'm not exactly overjoyed with the prospect of reliving your death. It was pretty much the end of my world."

Edward winces. "You don't have too. I don't want to make you do that. I understand what happened now. Where I came from. My death hurt you enough the first time. You don't need to go through it again." He speaks in hushed tones, stroking my cheek as he does so.

"Oh, Edward. This will be about the three thousandth time I've relived it. And I want to show you if you want to see it. It just… it feels important. If you want," I say.

"I need to see," he confesses. "I need to really see what I did to you."

"It wasn't you, Edward. It was circumstance."

"And also me. What with my insane decision to leave you and everything."

I just sigh because on angry days I agree with that statement. At this point, after everything, I'm ready to let go and stop blaming him.

"Are you ready? Maybe we should get you some more blood."

"Come on," I say, rolling my eyes. He's still my same, over protective Edward. I lead him over to the couch. We assume the same position of the other day, facing each other with my hands on his arms.

"Are you ready?" I ask.

"Seems like as good a night as any to die."

* * *

**Personally I think that was a nice little break from the heart break. I'm dying to hear thoughts on Edward in this one. Did he react like you thought he would?**

**The next on is another flashback. Be prepared.  
**

**Thank you so very much for reading.  
**


	8. The End of the World

**Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviewing and reading and recing and all that. It's truly amazing, the response I'm getting to this story.**

**This one was really hard to write.  
**

**Dowlingnana is an awesome beta.  
**

**I don't own anything.  
**

* * *

"Many of these politicians predict that America's entry into the war is inevitable," says Jonathan, taking a large sip of wine. "We have to protect our investment."

Since Edward left two months ago, I've done my best to live as normal. It's difficult, because Edward has always been such a vital part of my daily happenings since I was a little child, but I'm trying. The reality of life without my husband is just too crushing when I'm alone, so I stay busy.

That means continuing to participate in our social circle. Today, I'm having lunch with our friends from high school; John and his brother Walter, Edna and her fiancé Henry, and of course my best friend, Clara.

"I hope not!" replies Henry. I try to drown out their war-centered banter, but unfortunately its impossible. "Woody Wilson got my vote solely because he promised to keep us out of Europe's great war."

A few people glance at me uncomfortably. Henry is new to our circle and only met Edward once. I guess he doesn't fully realize what his words mean to the people at this table.

"But it's the war to end all wars," puts in Walter. "Surely that's something worth America fighting for."

It is called the Great War because the world has never seen anything like it before. The number of countries involved, the scope of the warfare, the devastating effect of new, effective weapons, and massive causalities, both solider and civilian alike, combined with a pro-war rhetoric that promises to bring world peace forever contribute to the title of "great".

I fail to find anything great about it.

The United States had thus far stayed out of the conflict – except for lending exorbitant amounts of money to the countries of the Triple Entente – but many Americans, such as my ever noble husband, strongly believe that we should intervene on the side of good.

Honor. Duty. Glory. A desire to prove ones masculinity. That's what drives men, boys really, to enlist.

I think we have more pressing issues to deal with at home, my personal favorite being the suffrage movement. I don't want American men dying on European soil.

Edward would say he is helping those to protecting my freedom to be a suffragette.

I would give up the right to vote if it could guarantee Edward's safe return. I would do _anything_ to ensure Edward's safe return.

He doesn't belong in a French uniform. He belongs in Chicago with me, attending college and continuing his studies to become a doctor. He belongs in this café, lunching with our friends and discussing the far away war in abstract terms.

"Bella?" Edna says, touching my hand and looking at me with dark, concerned eyes. "Hello, Bella?"

"What? Sorry, what was that?" I blink rapidly, realizing that I've lost track of the conversation.

"Jonathan asked you about Edward," she says.

"What about Edward?" I ask in reply, turning towards John. There is pity written all over his tan, narrow face.

"Have you heard from him?" he repeats. "Do you know where he is?"

"No," I mutter, poking my meal with a fork and moving it around on my plate to make it look like I ate a portion. "I've only received one letter from him. And he was still in Paris at the time, but he has been sent to the field by now. He couldn't say where."

I've re-read his letter at least four times a day since receiving it six days ago. Although the words are burned into my brain, I like seeing Edward's elegant and familiar penmanship. I like touching the same parchment he touched.

It's dated at the beginning of October, a month ago, and details his journey across the sea and his time in Paris. He wants to take me there someday, convinced that I will love the cafes and the wine and the romance. Most of his words are devoted to explaining how much he loves and misses me.

It makes me feel guilty for the ten or more letters I've penned him. All include how much I love him, but at the same time I'm still so obviously angry. Angry that he chose to leave. Angry because it's an easier emotion than the crippling fear of losing him that lies just underneath.

"Edward's a good, brave man," says John, slapping a palm down on the table to emphasize this point.

"I fear he has been sent to attend to those at the Somme," I murmur, unable to make eye contact with anyone. The table is silent in response for we have all read the papers, seen the casualty numbers and the horrifying pictures. We all know that for all that death; there has been very little movement of the line.

"He'll be fine, Bella," says Walter after a moment, flashing me a sympathetic smile. "Edward's always been smart. As a medic, I'm sure he gets no where near the fighting."

I nod and manage a small smile, but then go back to pretending to eat. The conversation changes, and Clara squeeze's my hand under the table. I'm thankful they've changed the subject.

After lunch, Clara and I walk to the hospital. We are working with Elizabeth to put together a benefit dinner to raise money for the maternity ward, and today we've been instructed to return and pick up paperwork to deliver to the charity board she works on.

"Isabella Swan," Clara says, hooking her arm in mine as we stroll down the Chicago streets, enjoying the unseasonably warm day. "I noticed you took only three bites of your meal today young lady. Naughty, naughty."

I sigh heavily, but smile slightly anyway. I've always found it amusing when Clara attempts to mother me. It most ways, she is my opposite in both looks and temperament. She's six inches taller than me, with a round face and blue eyes, Her curly, blond hair is as untamable as her spirit. In our youth, she was always getting me into all sorts of mischief. I am the quiet, sensible, smart one. Clara is the loud, spontaneous, fun one. But on occasion, she gets very motherly. Like when I fall down (which is often). Or when Edward first started courting me (which was lovely). Or when I barely eat at all because I'm constantly nauseous with fear that my husband will die in France (which has been the norm for the last two months).

"I wasn't hungry," I reply with a giggle. "I had a big breakfast."

"Oh, you terrible liar!" she shouts, pinching my forearm gently. I don't even feel it through my thick jacket.

"I can't get anything by you, Clara," I reply. "I'm just too sick with worry, all the time."

"I know, darling," she says with a sigh. "I can't even imagine what it's like for you. I haven't known you without Edward. You are one."

"Yes," I say, willing myself not to cry. Its ridiculous, the number of tears I've shed as of late. One would think I'd be all dried up by now. "It's like I've lost my heart." I dig the heel of my hand into my chest, willing the pain to dissipate. It doesn't.

"Well," she says matter of factly. "Good thing we're at the hospital, then. Maybe we can find you a new one."

I giggle again, allowing her to pull me inside. What a ridiculous thing to say. As if even the best doctors could replace a heart!

Clara has a wonderful way of pulling me out of what she likes to call my "moods". She seems to sense just what I need in the moment. And right now, it's a distraction from my constant worry, even in the form of something as simple as a very strange joke.

Clara and I are greeted by some of the nurses we are now familiar with. We've been working with hospital related charities for quite sometime, and are well known among the staff. I even do some volunteer work here. At one point, I even thought about seeking out real employment as a nurse, but Edward was very against the idea.

"Dr. Cullen!" Clara yells as I talk with the receptionist about getting signatures and dealing with various legalities. "Hello, Dr. Cullen."

I turn to see the handsome, young Carlisle Cullen approach us with a large smile on his almost inhumanly beautiful face. From his rich blond hair, to the unusual amber color of his eyes, he is quite stunning. Clara obviously has a crush on him.

"Hello, Ms. West. Mrs. Masen," he says, stopping in front of us and hugging a stack of folders to his chest. "How are you both this lovely fall day?"

"Excellent, Dr, Cullen," say Clara, basically fawning over the poor man. "We were just strolling the city, taking in lunch and enjoying a break from the dreadful Chicago weather. It's been so grey all week. It's been a pleasure to see the sun, even if it was only out for a moment."

"Well that sounds lovely indeed," he replies, beaming at her before turning to me. "And how about you, Mrs. Masen? How is Edward?"

For the past several years Edward spent summers, weekends, and evenings training in the hospital, so Dr. Cullen knows my husband quite well. I took to volunteering in the pediatric ward just to be close to my then betrothed. I've always liked the well-mannered Dr. Cullen, and don't mind his question. His face holds nothing but compassion, and I can't exactly explain how it differs from the pity displayed by my friends, but it does not irritate me.

"Really, Dr. Cullen, after everything you've done for my husband you may call me Bella. And I wish I knew more," I admit. "I've only received one letter, and I just want to know where he is."

"I know this must be very difficult for you, Bella," replies Dr. Cullen. "But he's getting invaluable experience in his profession. Learning to practice medicine under such stressful circumstances will set him for a long and successful career as a doctor."

I smile ruefully. "Even so, I'd prefer him to partake in a more traditional and safe training."

"Oh… of… of course," he stutters, looking contrite. "I didn't mean to… I simply wanted to point out the benefits—"

"Dr. Cullen," I say, interrupting him. I smile at him, letting him know that he has not offended me. I reach out to touch his hand in comfort, but quickly pull back, startled by his ice-cold skin.

How strange.

"It's fine," I continue. "Frankly I prefer your practical reason for going much better then the lofty ideology most people spout at me. It's refreshing."

"Oh, well. Good," he replies. "Try not to worry too much. It's not good for a woman in your condition,"

"Her condition?" Clara asks. Apparently we are equally puzzled by this bizarre comment.

"A newly married woman, living on her own," he says smoothly.

"Actually," I reply. "I've moved in with Edward's parents. I wasn't comfortable in the city alone and didn't like being in our apartment without Edward."

"Ah, of course," he says, nodding.

"Dr. Cullen," Clara says, blinking her big blue eyes at him and smiling wildly. "You are planning on attending the dance this weekend, aren't you?"

"Indeed. I was planning on attending."

"That is really good to hear," she says, taking a step closer while gazing at him intently. "Be sure to fill out a slot on my card. If not several."

I try not to roll my eyes at her blatant flirtation.

Eventually, I'm able to drag Clara away from the esteemed Dr. Cullen, and we take the train home. The temperature took a plunge while we were socializing, and I'm thankful that we arrive home in time for tea. We retire to the parlor with Elizabeth, going over last minute details of the event Saturday.

"And the best part is that we saw Dr. Cullen, didn't we, Isa?" Clara gushes, dramatically clutching a hand to her chest. "That man has a sinfully beautiful face. I think I'm in love."

Elizabeth and I share an eye-roll. We are well acquainted with Clara's dramatics.

"The only thing sinful, young lady is you noticing his face at all!" Elizabeth scolds, trying to sound harsh, but smiling slightly anyway. "He is far too old for you."

"Oh, come off it, Mrs. Masen," she replies, giggling now. "He can't be more than twenty-five. Impossibly gorgeous twenty something doctor falls for devastatingly charming, exceedingly beautiful, soon to be twenty year old. It's the stuff great romances are made of."

"He has to be more than twenty-five," muses Elizabeth. "He has worked in the city for at least six years, and he was a fully certified doctor before that with a glowing recommendation from his last hospital."

"He could be forty for all I care," insists Clara.

"Is forty really that old?" asks Elizabeth, raising an eyebrow at my friend and causing me to giggle.

"Of course not," Clara says, waving a hand dismissively. "So we agree. Dr. Cullen and I are destined to be."

I enjoy the chatter for a while more before Clara takes her leave, needing to be home for supper. The moment she is gone and I retire to my room before the meal, my depression returns.

The room was once Edward's. Esme thought I would be more comfortable in one of the guest rooms, but I like it here, where he grew up. It makes me feel close to my husband. I lie down on the neatly made bed and close my eyes. I pretend Edward sleeps beside me. I have found it's the best way to find a little comfort and peace.

* * *

Clara forces me to Christmas shop on Michigan Avenue. The last few weeks, especially Thanksgiving, have been particularly trying. This is my first holiday in living memory without Edward, and I feel swathed in melancholy. On top of my sorrow I've been ill. For a month now I've hardly been able to keep anything down. It has yet to affect my figure, so I've managed to hide my sickness from Elizabeth and Clara.

They hardly need something more to worry about.

Still, I find myself enjoying the outing. The air is crisp, but not bitterly cold. The city is alive and the whole experience seems to wake me up. For the first time since Edward left I don't feel like I'm simply hibernating as I wait for his return.

Happiness would be over stating things, but I'm not wallowing in misery. It's lovely.

I find earrings for Elizabeth and a scarf for Edward Sr. to replace one he recently lost. For my husband I purchase a beautifully designed pocket watch, the marking of which match those on my locket almost exactly.

I won't be able to send it, but I vow to put it in Christmas wrapping and give it to him on the day of his return to me.

I also buy him another book. Edward's always loved to read so I've been slipping a few pages of Mark Twain with every letter. I don't know if he's getting my letters or even if they arrive in order, but the book is one of his favorites and I hope it gives him a moment's pleasure.

By the end of the day our purses are significantly lighter, as is my spirit. Clara loops her arm through mine as we walk, laden with boxes up the front steps to the Masen's home. More days than not, Clara seems to find herself at our dinner table and today proves to be no exception.

Clara talks happily, pleased with her purchases and regretful of a few things she opted not to buy as presents for herself. I listen with a slight smile, lulled by the pleasant day and the pleasant company.

I instantly tense when we push through the double front doors and step into the parlor. There is a heavy stillness in this house and somehow I know that the very worst has happened just by the quiet.

Clara lets out a cry of confusion when my arms go limp and our purchases fall to the floor at our feet. I'm aware that she's calling to me as I move through the house, searching out the only family I have left in the world, but her words don't register. Some feeling guides me to the music room, his favorite space in this house.

They huddle together near Edward's beautiful piano. Elizabeth sits on the bench with her head bent and shoulders slumped. She stares at the keys. Edward Sr. stands as straight and tall as ever, hovering protectively over his wife, a hand on her shoulder. His warm eyes are dead, blank.

Someone lets out a sob. I don't realize the sound burst out of my own throat until both Edward Sr. and Elizabeth turn to look at me. The sorrow in my mother-in-law's gaze is enough to confirm my very worst fears. The sorrow in her eyes ends my world.

"Oh, Bella," she says with a sob.

My knees go weak but somehow I stay upright. I glance around, confused to remain standing. Edward Sr. is there at my side, an arm around my shoulder and his hand cupping my elbow. I study his face for a long moment but he looks so much like my husband I'm forced to look away.

Not that it really matters. Everything is so blurry. It takes me a moment to understand that tears are obscuring my vision.

I'm led to the piano bench and somehow I end up sitting next to Elizabeth. Her arms are around me and I can feel her tears against my cheek, but most are absorbed into the high collar of my coat.

My only family left in the world speaks to me. They say things I can't possibly understand. I'm too busy looking at my hands resting gently on the black and white keys of Edward's piano.

How many times have I watched his long fingered hands move gracefully to coax impossible sounds from ivory?

My own hands appear so small compared to what I see in my memory.

It makes no sense. Nothing makes any sense.

How can it possibly be that his fingers will never grace these keys ever again? How can it be possible that Edward will never play again?

How can my life long companion be gone? Lost forever in the frozen earth of France. Missing and presumed dead at the Somme.

The booming dissonance of my hands falling heavily on the piano is the first thing I really hear since walking into this too still house. The noise shocks my system back into being, brings the reality back into sharp clarity. The glorious numbness of a moment ago is replaced with searing pain.

With an inhuman wail I collapse into Elizabeth's side. I sob with my whole body, shaking so violently it's rather amazing that I'm able to stay here with Elizabeth on this narrow piano bench where Edward spent so many hours of his short life.

Till death do us part suddenly doesn't seem right.

And I care not for the poor or women's suffrage or those suffering in the trenches. As far as I'm concerned it's the end of the world.

Missing and presumed dead.

* * *

Elizabeth has strength I cannot begin to comprehend.

She makes arrangements and takes calls while I can't summon the energy to even get out of bed. I withdraw into my head so completely that I barely speak a word. From the time I finally manage to still my quaking hands enough to hold the letter presuming him dead to the church service, I speak only when absolutely necessary. I can't even mange more than a few tears, letting myself sob only in his old bed.

As his widow there are responsibilities, duties that should fall to me. Elizabeth does it all.

When it's all over, after the funeral and all of Chicago moves on, I thank her with whispered words, laying my head on her shoulder. She cries in my hair, rocking me against her chest like she once rocked Edward.

When the funeral ends, I can't remember anything about it. I found no meaning in it and could not get the inane thought out of my head that Edward would have hated his own funeral. Far too stuffy. And he could never manage to sit still for more than an hour without getting fidgety.

Suddenly there is nothing left to even pretend to do. I take to the dark, shutting myself away in Edward's room. The only time I'm not crippled with pain is when I lose myself in my head. I shut up my mind the way I shut up my body in his childhood room.

I close my eyes and imagine he sleeps next to me.

It's weeks before Elizabeth becomes concerned enough to interfere. She and Edward Sr. and Clara struggle in vain to get me to leave my sanctuary and when that fails they take to bringing me meals. At their pleading I attempt to eat. Through the fog that seeped into my head when I wasn't paying attention I see that I'm scaring them. And I can't bear to hurt them more than they've already been hurt.

So I eat a few bites here and there.

It doesn't take.

More weeks pass before anyone realizes this isn't simply grief.

The edges of my dream husband solidify. I see him without closing my eyes now. At least I believe my eyes are open. As Edward's lines sharpen, the rest of the world blurs. The way he runs his fingers through my hair and presses his lips to my temple feels as real as it looks.

Some part of me knows he remains a product of my memory and a way to ease my sorrow, but I choose to believe that he's here. This is much preferable, even if it means that I'm delusional.

Everything around me goes out of focus, but Edward remains.

Time loses all meaning, and then one day, days or weeks or months after the whole world came to an end, beyond my dream husband I see Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I lay with my cheek against Edward's chest and stare into those strange amber eyes of the only man I know to turn down Clara's advances.

"How odd," I murmur, giggling slightly. "Dr, Cullen, don't you know it's inappropriate to enter someone's bedroom like this?" I ask, my throat scratchy from disuse. I don't need my voice to talk to my dream husband. He just seems to know what I'm trying to say. "Careful, it might resort to fisticuffs and my dream husband would thoroughly wallop you."

Dr. Cullen let's out a sound that might be a laugh but it doesn't seem particularly happy. I blink at him, attempting to bring his hazy edges into focus. I look at Edward, but he just shrugs.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen says. Although I hear my name the way his lips move doesn't match the words he forms. How odd. I laugh a little but the movement makes me hurt all over so I am forced to stop. The urge to close my eyes and slip back into my head is overwhelming.

I hear the slap. My cheek tingles. My eyes stay open and I go back to staring at Dr. Cullen in confusion.

"You hit me," I declare.

"Bella," he says again. "Please, stay with me."

"Why are you here?" I ask again. "Why are you in my room? Edward grew up here. Did you know?"

Dr. Cullen wipes something cool and coarse across my forehead. I sigh in relief, not realizing before this moment that I burn and ache. My skin is damp and clammy. My very eyeballs hurt. That hardly seems possible so I look to Edward for advice. Again, he just shrugs. Edward watches Dr. Cullen as intently as I do.

"We are not in your room, Bella," he explains. I don't understand the urgency or sorrow in his voice. Edward is back. He's right here with me. What could anyone possibly be sad about? "You've been here at the hospital for over a week now. Before that, I was coming to your house everyday for the last month at the request of Mrs. Masen. You're sick, Bella."

Oh. Well doesn't that just make so much sense?

"Are you trying to take away dream Edward?" I ask, too weary to cry but feeling like I should anyway.

"No, Bella," he says, touching my flaming cheek. His hands are so cold I shiver, but the chill brings relief. "I'm trying to get you well. You are quite the favorite around here, and everyone wants to see you healthy."

"Am I dying of a broken heart?" I ask. Although I hadn't put much thought to it before now, I know the moment the words are out of my mouth that they are the truth.

My body is shutting down because life can't go on without Edward.

"Broken heart…" Dr. Cullen mutters. The way his eyes frantically move over my face makes me nervous. He looks desperate but for what I do not know. "That's simply a metaphor, Bella. There is nothing wrong with your heart as far as I can tell."

I scoff at him. Until this moment I assumed Dr. Cullen was smart, a man of the world.

Obviously he knows nothing of what it's like to be in love.

"You're a fool," I tell him. "What else could possibly be wrong with me?"

As we talk I become more lucid. I have to tighten my grip on Edward to make sure he doesn't slip away as I look at the world around me for the first time in a long time. I know this room. I know this hospital. Edward worked here for over a year and I volunteered my time as well.

I never thought about seeing things from this perspective, my back in the bed.

"It's difficult to say, Bella," Dr. Cullen continues. "A fever of some kind."

"Scarlett fever? Like my mother. Oh, was death this fulfilling for her, I wonder?" Edward looks at me with such sadness. I close my eyes against his touch as he presses his soft lips into my temple.

"Perhaps," Dr. Cullen comments, looking unconvinced. "Regardless, all of our treatments thus far have failed."

For the first time I can see right behind Dr. Cullen. Through my blinking I am able to see my mother-in-law.

"Elizabeth!" I call out with a smile. "Hello. Edward misses you."

I stroke my dream husband's hair as he nods. My breath wheezes in my chest with the exertion of raising my voice.

"Oh, Bella." Elizabeth is crying and covering her mouth. She moves closer, touching my forehead like Dr. Cullen did except her touch scorches me. I whimper and shift closer to Edward. "Please don't go away again."

"I didn't go away," I mutter, confused by her request. "Edward did. But don't worry. He's back now. He's not missing anymore."

Elizabeth sobs and I look at Dr. Cullen as if he can help me decode her strange behavior.

I'm suddenly so tired. My eyes flicker shut. Every part of me aches.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen yells, shaking my shoulders with enough force that I'm motivated to open my eyes again to give him a good glare. "You have to fight this. You must fight for your life."

"I am," I assure him. "I'm fighting to be with Edward."

My dream husband pats my hand and looks at me sadly. I don't understand why he isn't as happy as I am. We're together now. We'll get our forever.

"No!" he shakes me again as Elizabeth lets out another sob. Her distress hurts me, and I want to soothe her but I've forgotten how. I've already forgotten what has her so upset. Oh, Edward. She thinks Edward is gone. "Edward is gone and you are still here. You must fight to stay, Bella! It's not your time yet. Would you really let Elizabeth lose both her children in a matter of months?"

I understand now and the tears come. I'm letting myself die. Leaving Elizabeth with no children, all alone in 1917 and never to recover. This is important. I can't leave Elizabeth and Edward Sr. They need me. They won't survive this much heartache.

I try to hold onto this important realization, even as I feel myself slipping away.

"That's not all…"

Dr. Cullen tries to tell me something else. I can make out the way his lips move, but the words are lost to me. His announcement seems important and it makes Elizabeth cry even more frantically. She tries to tell me something, to give me another reason to live. She touches my belly as my eyes flicker closed.

I fight for a few more conscious moments with the woman who is essentially my mother. Elizabeth hugs me and we cry together. I tell her I love her before letting myself fall back asleep.

By the time I settle back in with Edward, it's slipped away, that important realization I was trying so desperately to remember only a few moments ago.

Oh well.

It matters not when Edward's right here.

I slow way down. I'm almost there, back with Edward to get our forever together. Just a few more minutes and I know I'll find him. He has to be here, somewhere. I'm sure of it. Everything is bright and wonderful and I refuse to think about the possibility that he isn't here.

And then everything burns. I am consumed by fire once more.

* * *

**Yeah, I know. That was a serious heartbreaker. I know many of you were hoping this would be the Nessie chapter, but we're getting there. Two more chapters and you'll have your answers.**

**I'm sorry if I made you cry.  
**


	9. Show Me

**Okay, here we go.**

**Thank you for sticking with me through all this angst. It will get better. Eventually. Probably. I've been asked a lot about HEA in the reviews, and yeah, we'll get there. But it's a long and angsty road.  
**

**I love you for being so awesome and reading this story.  
**

**Betaed by dowlingnana.  
**

**I don't own anything.  
**

* * *

"You died! I… I killed you," he mutters.

"No you didn't," I reply with a sigh.

"I did!"

With a strangled cry I bury my face in my hands. We've been having this argument for the last forty-five minutes, even since I finished divulging the final memory of my human life.

Of both our human lives.

I should have anticipated his reaction, but I didn't, and it's exhausting. He is so tortured and guilty. I hate that he's guilty.

"Bella, how is it possible that you don't hold me directly responsible for your death?" he yells, pacing around in front of my seat on the couch as he tugs at his hair.

"I don't, Edward!" Convincing him of this is difficult, especially considering how mad at him I was when I first found him again. It's strange, how I held on to all that anger for so long, but now that he's here with me again I just don't have it in me to be mad. "I got sick."

"Sick!" He snarls the word and I cringe back. I'm still not used to seeing his vampire side.

"Yes, Edward. Sick. This is 1917 we're talking about here. It happened."

"Were we reliving the same memory?" he shouts. He looms over me, getting in my face. "Because I know you got sick, Bella, but you didn't fight it at all. You courted death."

"Exactly. _I_ courted death. You didn't kill me."

"You didn't fight it because of me! You died of a broken heart because of me. I killed you."

"Technically, I think Carlisle killed me."

"So that's when he did it? On your dying breath?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Uh… ah… I…" I stutter, not prepared to explain. Edward moves on before I can formulate an answer. He resumes his pacing.

"I killed you!"

"Edward!" I say, leaping up and grabbing his shoulders as I do so. "You need to stop right now. If I don't blame you then it is ridiculous for you to blame you! Please, please, just stop. You aren't making this any easier."

He just scowls down at his feet, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"I'm so sorry, Isabella," he whispers, his voice breaking. "So sorry."

"It's okay, Edward," I reply, trying so hard to appease his guilt. "And it's not your fault."

Still he doesn't look at me.

"I think I need a walk," he says.

"Fine. Go on your walk."

"You're not coming?"

"No," I reply, moving towards. "I think you need some alone time. I'm going to lie down."

Without another word he turns on his heel and speeds out the front door.

I curl up in bed, but I'm too mad to clear my head.

* * *

Although logically I know that Edward wouldn't leave me again, I worry about it the whole time he's gone. I'm still unsure of his feelings for me, but I know there is enough honor in this vampire version of my husband to compel him to stay.

Or at least for him to tell me if he's given up on me and this whole little experiment.

I hate hurting him and that's pretty much all I've managed to do for him since he popped back into my life. Maybe showing him everything was a mistake. I could have learned to live with being a liar.

Except, that's bullshit. He said he needed to know, just like I needed him to know. Even if it hurts, I truly believe we are doing the right thing: The healthy thing.

I'm not sure what happens next. I've told him everything I remember now about our past. I hoped it would take longer to give him a detailed account of our human lives but twenty years of living really isn't very much history compared to a century of vampirism. I just couldn't manage to stretch it out longer than these five days since we've been in Chicago.

He really has no reason to stay and I still haven't figured out how to tell him about Vanessa. If he tries to go I'm just going to end up blurting it all out, but I want him to stay because he wants to, not because he feels like he has too.

It's all so complicated it's giving me a headache.

Or a worse headache.

I'll show him how it happened, if he lets me. I'm going to need at least another day to recovery fully from the last time.

That was bad. I hate thinking about it.

I wonder if he likes me. Before I lied to him and he found out about our shared history, I think he liked me.

My thoughts flow in a sickening circle of worry about Edward leaving and about losing him and about telling him about our daughter.

Our daughter.

Our little miracle baby who won't stop her slow growth for another twenty-five years, when her body and mind are developmentally seventeen. She is unique to most of the vampiric world. A hybrid. The only one of her kind outside a small pocket of tribal vamps and their offspring living in the most remote corners of the Brazilian rainforest. Even the Volturi were ignorant to the possibility of those like Ness before our little showdown that resulted in me becoming Aro's indentured lackey.

How do I prepare him for knowing and understanding something like this?

Telling him about Aro is something I refuse to even think about at the moment.

"You're worried." His voice makes me blot upright. Fuck, how did I not sense him? It's not easy to startle a vampire, but I was so wrapped up in my terrifying thoughts I didn't notice his scent or the sounds of his approach.

"Did I scare you?" he asks, smirking slightly as he leans against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest.

"No," I say, laughing it off as if it's too absurd to be taken seriously.

Edward looks at me dubiously but I just scowl at him, crossing my arms over my own chest, until he drops it.

"Why are you worried?" he asks. I wince because that certainly was not the subject change I was hoping for.

"I'm fine."

Edward growls and stomps across the room to loom over me. "I fucking hate that," he says, waggling a finger in my face. "I fucking hate the word fine when it comes out of your mouth. Fine to you means that there's something you aren't telling me or your head's about to explode!"

More wincing on my part:

"Sorry," I say, feeling properly scolded.

Edward's expression immediately softens. He comes close to the bed and pushes my hair back off my cheek. The look on his face is so close to the one of love and adoration I used to get from him.

"I'm sorry too, Bella," he murmurs, avoiding my eyes. "So sorry."

"Edward—" I attempt to cut him off before he starts with the same guilt ridden rambling, but he interrupts.

"Just let me apologize, okay? I need to apologize."

"Okay."

"I left you and I hate that and you died and I'm so sorry," he says, pacing around in front of the bed. Between the hair pulling and the pacing, it's almost as if nothing has changed since his human days. "I don't remember. It doesn't feel like me. I can't even imagine leaving you now."

My shoulders sag in relief, but that is something I fully expect to change once he knows everything.

"I am worried," I confess, answering his earlier question.

"Okay." I can hear the confusion in his voice. "Did you remember a detail about our human life? Because I thought we pretty much covered that. You found out I died and you quit really living. And it's all my _fault_."

Instead of getting mad this time I try my very best to just comfort.

"It happened, Edward. And at the time I was so angry with you, but there's no use in playing the blame game. We're here now. It's not exactly the till death do us part I was imagining when we got married, but we're both right here. Assuming you want to be here with me, that is."

I try not to notice him wince when I say "married."

"What? Is that what has you so worried?" he asks. I don't understand his disbelief and annoyance. I've done everything but spell out my love for him in the sky. How could he possibly think I'd be okay if he left?

"I've given you your history. There's no more reason for you to stay." _Or so he thinks. _

Edward slowly but deliberately moves away from my position on the bed. I frown at him with confusion. The hands go to the hair again as he turns away from me and I do my best to brace myself for the worst.

"You don't see a reason for me to stay?" he says, his tone low and dangerous.

"I didn't say that. But I would understand if you don't see a reason. Before I came along you had a life and–"

"A life?" he yells, whirling around dramatically to face me. I cringe away from the vampire I see in him. "You have absolutely no idea what it's like, do you? Not all of us are so lucky to find a family like you, Bella. Victoria cares for me in her own limited way and I her. James and I have tolerated each other over the years at the best of times, openly loathed each other at the worst. I existed with them, Bella, for lack of better options. I did not live. Not the way you manage to live. Life, living, the feeling of being alive is not something I even remembered until you came along."

I wince because I know he's right. His unlife has been so very different from my own, dark and twisted and lonely, full of death and blood. Sometimes I forget that it's so totally abnormal, the Cullen lifestyle. Despite being dead, Nessie and Carlisle and the rest have given me a life. Edward's never had that.

"Give me the courtesy of telling me the truth, Isabella. If you tire of being in my company just say so and I'll leave immediately. Don't make it seem like my decision is based on some need to get back to a fabricated life," Edward says with barely maintained calm. He moves away, staring out the window on the far side of the room. I let him look at the street for a few minutes, unable to say anything in my shock.

When I finally understand what he's trying to tell me I can't help but let out a little giggle. His head snaps around to glare at me and I giggle again.

"You like me," I blurt out like the total fool I am. The realization is so novel. "Before you found out that I'm a big fat liar, I thought you liked me. Since you came back I haven't been able to tell for sure. But you like me. You do, even if I drive you crazy and make you uncomfortable."

Edward stares at me long and hard for a moment. He looks a bit like he's quelling the urge to throttle me but then the corner of his mouth ticks up into that familiar lopsided grin.

"Like you?" he scoffs. "Like you. What an obscene notion."

I frown, unsure of what to make of this statement.

"Bella," he whispers, voice caressing the syllables of my name in a way that makes me shiver with pleasure. He remains on the other side of the room but I want him right here with me. "You consume me. Surely you've noticed? From the very moment I saw you, staring at me in shock, your thoughts remarkably silent, you've consumed me. Every thought; every movement: You confuse and terrify me. You've given me so much: Memories, an identity. And I know you're disappointed that nothing much has come back to me, but you've made me remember the feeling of being human. You stir parts of me previously unknown. _Like_ is an insulting description."

He sounds so thoroughly disgusted by the word I laugh again.

"There you are," I whisper, beaming at him.

"Pardon?" he says, his tone matching mine. This moment is something special and I can tell by the way he gapes down at me with wide eyes that he feels it too.

"That very first moment I saw you again, it broke my heart and brought me joy all at once," I tell him, thinking back to that strained encounter. "You looked like him, my husband, but the vampire hid most of the other parts. Over the weeks I've recognized the man I've been missing for a century more and more. Just now, with that little speech, was so completely and totally my Edward. The words. The enunciation. The way you were scolding me while demonstrating the depth of your affection at the same time. You're him, Edward. You're really him. Shaped by the last hundred years, of course, but you're here next to me."

I pause, needing a moment to collect myself.

"I'm over come," I continue, my voice breaking. "All this time. I just love you so much."

"How can you? After everything I've done?" he asks, resuming his pacing. "You've given me everything, Bella, now and then. And to repay you for your love I've given you nothing but pain."

I hurt for him, that he no longer understands how to accept love.

"Edward," I say. "Come here."

He stops abruptly, almost as he forgot I was even here. After a few more good tugs on his already disheveled hair he joins me on our bed, sitting somewhat awkwardly with inches separating us.

I sigh and shift closer as I lean against his side and wrap an arm around his shoulders. Slowly he relaxes against me, turning to rest his forehead in the nook of my neck. I stroke his hair.

"Hush," I murmur. "No more guilt from you. Confusion I can handle, but your guilt is just about killing me, Edward. Sadness, too. You can be sad, but I hate you guilty."

"Sorry," he mutters petulantly, still riddled with guilt.

"We both made mistakes and we were both victims of impossible circumstance. Now we are at the understanding and accepting part. You are going to have to get used to the idea that I love you. So just try that, okay?" I ask.

"Okay," he agrees, sounding slightly less upset.

We sit in silence for a while. I continue to stroke his hair, occasionally dropping a kiss on his temple because I can't help myself. It's satisfying to feel him relax bit by bit, accepting my comfort.

It seems impossible that a week ago he was furious with me. Days ago he was wary and careful in my presence. It seems impossible that we've spent any time apart at all. A hundred years boils down to nothing at all for me, even if he doesn't remember.

He believes me. He won't leave.

"You can't imagine leaving me, huh?" I ask after sometime.

Edward sighs. "I thought that would be obvious by now."

"There are things, Edward," I say, feeling sick when I think about it all. I know I've said this before, but it doesn't seem like he really gets it. "You now know everything from our human years, everything I can remember anyway, but there are still these really big things that might make you change your mind about leaving."

"Somehow I doubt that very much."

I smile, remembering that dry tone.

"I'm serious," I say, shaking him slightly.

"Big things that happened to you as a vampire?" he asks. I wince.

"Yes, but also choices I made as a vampire."

"So tell me," he says.

"I'd rather show," I reply, dragging my fingertips over his skin, tempted to push my gift even though I'm shaky still from reliving his death.

"Bella," he says, turning in my arms to get a look at me. "We agreed to take it slow? Right? Remember that?"

I nod, remembering Alice's advice.

"Frankly, I don't think either of us are quite ready for you to show me everything. It's almost a hundred years of choices, for both of us. I'm not proud of my actions either, Bella. I'm a killer. How can you even stand to let me touch you?"

Now his fingertips trail up my skin, along the hard muscles in my inner arm. I smile and hum in pleasure.

"You're still shaky," he mutters.

"I'm fine."

"I'll get you more blood," he insists, attempting to move away. I hold him tight.

"I'm fine."

He pauses, brow furrowed in thought.

"I don't want it to be all doom and gloom with us," he says.

"It's not."

"I like being with you," Edward murmurs, warming me up. "Even if it is emotionally exhausting, being with you and hearing all these revelations is much preferable to what it was like before. My existence was meaningless, pathetic. I felt nothing."

"And I make you feel?"

He lets out rumbling laugh, deep in his throat. The sound is so familiar and beautiful, I ache for more.

"Yes, Isabella," he says, continuing to chuckle. "You make me feel. Good and bad. Everything I didn't even think vampires were capable of."

"That humanity is a pesky thing, isn't it?"

"Humanity?" he asks, rubbing the heel of his hand against the place where his heart sits still in his chest. "Is that what this is?"

"Yes." I never lost my humanity like Edward did, not totally. Because of Nessie. Because of our daughter.

"It hurts," he says, moving back to his original position propped up against my chest.

"I know. I know, sweetheart," I say, my lips against his temple.

"You won't make me leave, will you?" he asks. "If I ever get around to telling you my stories. It's nothing you couldn't imagine, but still gruesome and horrible."

"I'll never want you to go," I assure him, knowing I can't expect the same promise from him. "Never ever."

"Even if I never figure out how to be the man you remember?" he asks.

It is somewhat shocking to be assuring him that I won't leave. Historically, I'm not the one who leaves, but I comfort him anyway.

"I don't know how," he confesses with a strangled whisper, sounding absolutely tortured. "I want to be this man you love. I want to love you back, but it's a concept so foreign to me. A month ago I was unaware that it was even possible for a vampire to form such bonds. Bella, what if I can't?" His eyes fly open as his depression turns to panic. "What if I can't be him?"

"Edward," I say, shushing him gently. "Just don't leave. That's all you have to do. Stay with me. The rest will come in time. I'm not looking for you to get back to the exact replica of Edward Masen, circa 1916. I'm different too. A hundred years of vampirism will do that to you. I want this new version. I want you."

"I can't leave," he says, letting out a growl as he traps my face between his hands. That look is so intense it makes me crumble. Anything to help him: Anything to make this easier. "I don't want too."

"Good," I murmur. He let's me go enough so I can lean down to brush my lips over his. It's soft and simple, about comfort rather than seduction. Edward comes back for another and I'm reminded how easily the lines get blurred. But I can't let this happen yet. Not until he knows about Ness.

And Aro.

"But if you change your mind I won't hold it against you," I murmur.

Edward lets out a rueful chuckle and shakes his head. "You're part of me: That missing chuck that I lost. Nothing could make me leave you, Bella. It obviously didn't work out last time, nor did it take."

I let out a strangled laugh as Edward pulls me more firmly into his chest. Together we lean back against the headboard, cuddled together. I work on processing everything, on convincing myself that he's really here, we really have been lucky enough to get a second chance.

"I want to do this right," he murmurs.

"Do what right?" I mumble back, feeling sleepy but recognizing the impossibility of that.

"Us," he replies. "You remember our courtship. I don't."

"So, you want a do over?"

"That's a rather simplified way to put it, but sure. I want to court you again. I want to get to know you. I want to take things slow and learn everything there is to know about you over the course of several normal dates."

"And what exactly is a normal date for a vampire?" I ask, smiling softly at him as I try not to think about what knowing everything about me entails.

He opens and closes his mouth several times before frowning at me when he doesn't come up with an answer.

"I'm teasing, Edward. That sounds wonderful. When do we start this dating?"

"Right now?"

"Right now."

* * *

The first part of our normal date is dinner. Edward ignores my suggestion of popping into the butchers and purchasing more blood, insisting that we need to hunt properly.

It doesn't take us long to get out of the city and into a forest. The deer are small but it feels good to run again. I have to admit that Edward is faster than me, although not by much. I get the first kill and then spend some time appreciating how gracefully he moves.

Besides a few leaves in my hair, we both hunt cleanly. We've been doing this long enough to know how to kill without getting even a little bit bloody.

This is such a rush, being out here and indulging in the vampire side, letting out the animal. It makes me want to mount him right there in the woods. The intensity of his gaze makes me shiver, but somehow I refrain.

In some ways this is only our first date, after all.

We wander back to the city, chatting about everything and nothing. Edward seems to get a little lighter, even if I can still see sadness in his eyes on occasion. I wrack my brain for a way to make him feel better.

He didn't kill me. I courted death. There's a difference.

We end up back at the old abandoned lighthouse when we make it to the city.

"So what now?" I ask as I watch the water.

"Well, it is my understanding that dinner is traditionally followed by some sort of activity. That's how normal dates go, right?"

"Right." It sounds right, not that I've done any normal dating in the last hundred years.

"So what would you like to do?"

I watch the water and kick off my shoes.

"What are you doing?"

I just smirk at him and toss my jacket in the pile with my shoes.

"Swimming?"

I nod and pull my blouse over my head.

Edward gapes at me for another moment and then it's a mad dash to see who can strip down to their underwear quickest. My head start gives me an advantage, and he's still struggling with his pants by the time I swan dive off the tower and into Lake Michigan.

He follows a millisecond later.

Without any discussion we race to the bottom. I touch dirt and slimy rock before he does and sequel in victory. Edward grins at me, his hair floating around his head with the current.

I take in his altered form appreciatively and marvel at the way his body is exactly the same and totally different all at once. His skin is pale and hard, but the planes of his chest and his stomach are so familiar I could sketch them in my sleep.

Edward's arms wrap around my waist and I let our bodies float together. My legs wrap around his waist as his fingers grasp at my back.

I relish the feeling of his skin against mine and his long, firm body surrounding me.

Still, even with all this touching, when he kisses me I'm not prepared for it. This is the first kiss initiated by him, and that fact alone makes it so much more potent. I gasp and attempt to get closer as he parts my lips and slips his tongue into my mouth.

Oh, his taste.

And all that slick skin against mine.

We kiss and grope, trying to find the leverage to get closer in the dark water. The sensation of making out underwater is strange and not something I've ever done before.

The cool water does nothing to sooth my flaming body.

All too soon Edward grabs my shoulders and firmly pushes me away. I tighten my legs around his waist and pout. He smiles ruefully and kicks out, not letting me go even as we break the surface.

"It's our first date," he explains in a rush when talking becomes possible again. "Wouldn't want to rush things, would we?"

I just stare at him blankly and he laughs.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" he murmurs, tracing the planes of my face with his fingertips.

"Likewise," I reply.

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"Everyone thinks you're beautiful."

"You are utterly fascinating, Isabella. Are you having a good time?" he asks, suddenly unsure.

"I always have a good time with you," I reply, pushing his wet hair back off his forehead.

Edward sighs, letting me go and stretching out to float on the surface of the dark lake. "Somehow I doubt that, given all the terrible memories I've made you relive in the last week."

"Well I mean it. Good memories, bad memories, new memories… I want to be with you always." I float next to him, grabbing his hand to keep us together. "Did you know otters hold hands when they sleep to keep from getting separated?"

Edward lets out a big belly laugh, placing our joined hands on his bare chest.

"Where on earth do you get this stuff?"

"I read." I can't very well tell him it's from our ninety-five year old daughter. Edward laughs again and the sound warms my cold, dead heart, but I can't get Ness off my mind. "Edward, the next memory I need to show you… it's shocking."

"Shocking?"

"Yes."

"Is this about Carlisle turning you?" he asks.

"That's part of it, yes."

"Okay. What exactly makes it so shocking?" He strokes his thumb over my knuckles and suddenly I can't speak.

It's time. It's past time, but I'm terrified.

I fear that with this next revelation he'll lose it. I've already divulged so much. How much can one vamp take?

And even more than I worry about his mental wellbeing, I'm petrified with the fear that he will reject his daughter. He will get angry and deny her and in the process we'll lose our second chance.

I never could hate him, but a negative reaction to Vanessa would make it close. We're a package deal, Vanessa and I. And even when it comes to my long lost human husband, my daughter comes first.

Always.

I don't want to lose him. God, I can't lose him.

"Bella," he murmurs. "Just tell me."

My voice stays stuck in my throat.

"Is it bad?"

All I can manage is a vigorous headshake. No, there is nothing about Vanessa that is bad.

"Let's go home," he says, paddling us towards shore. Home. I love that he says home. "You can show me."

We dress quickly and silently, but as we set off towards the apartment he wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close into my side. Needing something to do with my hands, I braid my long wet hair with vampire speed and precision.

As we walk I attempt to prepare myself for the upcoming memory, and I find myself shaking. Edward watches me in concern, but doesn't speak until we get home. The sun comes up and it gets difficult to stick to the shadows, but we make it without startling any humans.

"Bella, you're scaring me," he says, shutting the door to the apartment behind me. "What can I do? What is it?"

"It's good," I tell him, answering his earlier question. "This thing I have to tell you… It is shocking and good. Please, please think it's good."

I'm pleading with him and tugging at the collar of his shirt in my desperation. He takes me in with wide eyes, cradling my face as he attempts to calm me down.

"Bella, I don't understand. Just tell me."

"It's Vanessa," I finally manage. "Nessie."

"Your daughter? Is this about you turning her?"

"I didn't _turn _her," I snap. "She's not like us."

Edward just blinks at me. All I've managed to do with my rambling is confuse him horribly.

"Well, what is your daughter like?" he asks, trying to help me spit it out.

"She's not my daughter. I mean, she's not _just _my daughter."

There. I've said it. I gaze at him with wary trepidation.

"Wait," Edward says, still studying me intently. "Are you saying that Nessie is your biological daughter? Not like Esme considers you her daughter?"

I bite my lip and nod.

"You have a daughter. You gave birth to a daughter?"

Well, at least I accurately described the news as shocking.

"Yes."

"And she has a father."

Again, I just nod.

"How is this possible?"

"It just is," I say with a shrug.

"Who's the father?" His tone changes, going from concerned and surprised to coldly furious. He barely controls his anger. I can tell by the tick in his jaw. "Do you love him? Is he involved in your daughter's life?"

"Our daughter," I whisper.

"What did you just say?" he asks with a hiss. He grabs my chin, keeping my face tilted towards his as his eyes bore into his forehead. Again, it's like he's trying by force of will to see into my head.

Ridiculous, being as I'll show him anything he asks.

"You are her father," I say, my voice stronger now as I answer his questions. "Yes, I love him. And until a few weeks ago the father's involvement seemed like an impossibility."

Edward freezes, much as he did when he first popped open my locket. I give him his moment as I internally freak out. I gnaw away on my lip, wringing my hands as I watch for any sign of movement.

"How?" he whispers, still not looking at me.

"I—"

In a flash Edward is looming above me, staring at me with unfathomable eyes.

"Show me," he insists, pulling me over to the couch.

We assume the position. All I can do is hope that he'll still be here when I'm done.

* * *

**So there you have it. Next time you'll have all your Nessie answers. They're cute, aren't they? See you soon!**


	10. Burn, Baby, Burn

**So who all saw BD2? I sat in the theater the whole time, imagining writing a one shot why my Bella and Edward and Nessie from this watched the movie and talked the whole time about whoever wrote it got everything about their lives wrong. It was totally weird.**

**Sorry, I'm rambling. It's because I'm so dang nervous about this chapter.  
**

**There it is, the story of Vanessa.  
**

**Let me know what you think.  
**

**Donna is an awesome beta and Dana says such lovely things.  
**

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

The longer I burn the more I'm convinced I'll never see Edward again. The fire that sears my bones is surely not the mark of heaven, and there is no other place my husband could possibly be.

I've never been as good as him, so really it makes sense. If one of us were to be damned for eternity, it would without question be me. The way I lusted for him before we were married. The way I cursed God when I lost my mother.

Really, I should have been expecting this outcome when I gave up on living.

That's a very large sin in itself, isn't it? To attempt to take some control over your life when really it should all be left up to the will of God? Yes, this damnation shouldn't come as a surprise, but it does.

I did say my prayers every night. I was a decent Christian, certainly better than Clara.

Oh, Clara. How she'll cry over my wasted life. It wasn't only Elizabeth and Edward Sr. I abandoned as I willing embraced death, but Clara too.

All the family I had left in the world, discarded as easily and thoughtlessly as I closed my eyes. Perhaps I deserve this eternal fire, separated from my love.

I'm held still, condemned to lie motionless as hell consumes me. I am not even granted the relief of writhing and moaning in pain. It is so dark I wonder if I still have eyes.

As my body burns the mental pain of knowing that I've hurt the ones I love compounds the physical pain. The worst is the realization that Edward is lost to me forever. Hellfire and brimstone are nothing compared to the knowledge that I'll spend the rest of eternity without the man I love, my missing component.

The burning lasts forever. I feel movement in my lower belly, the pain there different but still sharp. Although I might be imagining it, I feel as though my legs are gently pulled apart.

It doesn't matter. I don't even have eyes anymore. The strangeness in my lower half fades, and I burn and burn and burn.

There is a change so subtle at first I think I'm imagining it. The surface of my skin seems to be cooling. Slowly, the fire feels as though it is flickering out. The pain in my bones is deep, but bearable. My fingers are released from their suffering, followed by my toes. When my ankles are extinguished, I finally accept that my torment is coming to an end. My limbs burn out, followed by my head and torso.

The scorching pain burns bright, concentrated and hotter than anything I thought possible, in my heart. I want to cry out because the torment is unbearable, but I'm still frozen. Totally immobilized.

A silent scream of agony takes up residence in my throat, and just when it seems like the pain will rip me apart if I must endure it for another moment, abruptly I cool. The fire in my chest is blown out and I'm left hard and cold and frozen in place.

When I take stock of my body I'm alarmed to feel no movement, no heartbeat, and no blood pumping through my veins. After the pain I assumed I would need to calm my elevated heart rate only to find my heart still in my chest.

Guess I really am dead after all. This is a very strange after life.

I attempt to open my eyes but fail. My body continues to lie on a rather comfortable surface while I can do nothing but imagine what comes next. Maybe this is hell, being trapped inside my head, body useless. The devil mocks me, reminds me of my final days, and how I sought this. I failed to fight for my body, allowing my head to conjure up Edward.

Edward.

God, how I ache for him.

I start to hear things, proof that I'm not surrounded by emptiness. Close by someone walks. A baby cries and a man comforts. A mouse scurries across the floor.

Or at least that's my guess, although surely it isn't possible to hear such a small thing.

The return of my hearing, apparently sharpened, makes me think of Edward's laugh and the way I'll never again hear him play the piano again. My newly improved ears pick up on a short sob and it takes me a moment to realize it came from me.

Experimentally I open my mouth and take a deep breath. This appears to be my first breath since before the burning and I don't understand how I could go so long without air. Maybe it just felt long.

Still, breathing doesn't seem to be a necessity anymore. I keep doing it anyway because it feels natural. As I take in lungful after lungful of air I pick up new scents. Something that reminds me of the hospital. Perhaps I'm still there. Something else that reminds me of Edward. Surely, this is another cruel trick of my own personal hell.

There is too much scent along with the breathing to analyze.

Movements close by. Someone running across a room, their feet barely touching the wood. A door opens to my immediate right.

"Bella?"

Without even thinking about moving a muscle I find myself across the room and dropped into a defensive crouch. My eyes are wide open and I feel strong, but everything is new. My bones seem to crackle with unused energy, and instinct rather than thought has me protecting myself from this unknown.

Even as I leap out of the narrow bed that has been my flaming prison and away from the threat, I take in the man at the door. He's so painfully familiar but at the same time it's like I've never bothered to really look before.

Thousands of different shades make up his amber eyes. The planes of his face are impossibly smooth and his blond hair seems to glow. He raises his palms after pulling the door shut behind him, a universal proclamation of innocence and peace.

"Bella, it's me. It's Carlisle. Dr. Cullen."

I turn my head to study him further as something in the room hisses. I glance around, wondering how I could miss a creature with these wondrously improved senses, before I understand that I made that sound.

I let out a surprised squeak and slap my hands over my mouth, absolutely appalled that I've hissed at Dr. Cullen! Although the small, plain, wooden room is very obviously not the hospital, I must be alive. How would Dr. Cullen find his way into hell? This must be some strange new symptom of my fever. Maybe I managed to fight it after all.

Some part of me is disappointed. Death would mark the end of my journey without Edward, short as it may have been. I'm so tired of pitifully attempting to live as half a person.

Lord forgive me, I hissed at Dr. Cullen! Like a cat! What on earth has gotten in to me?

"I hissed at you," I whisper from behind my hands. I watch him with wide, horrified eyes. He looks so painfully nervous, it's making me nervous. "It was horribly inappropriate and I do apologize. Why don't I need to breathe? Have you always had so much smell to you? Did the fever improve my hearing somehow? A moment ago I heard a mouse scurrying about."

All this seems to explode out of my mouth, and I wait for my cheeks to burn with familiar embarrassment. But this time they don't. I tentatively remove a hand from my mouth and press it to my face. My skin is a uniform temperature, warm but not heated as they should be after what I just said.

I sound so strange, so unlike myself. I sound almost beautiful.

"Bella," he says, talking with extreme calm as if he's addressing some skittish animal. "You've experienced a great change. It is going to come as quite the shock, but there are things I need to explain to you."

"Have you always had that musical quality to your voice? Have your teeth always been so many shades of white? And so sharp? They are extremely sharp. How can I tell that they are extremely sharp?"

Dr. Cullen takes another step towards me and this time I actually growl. Growl! Elizabeth raised a proper lady and I've never even thought about making a sound like that in my whole life. It's so aggressive and unlike me. This is the moment I realize I'm still in a defensive crouch, my back to the wall and my eyes trained on Dr. Cullen.

Ready to attack.

No, that's not right. Elizabeth only did half my raising. Mother. My mother did the first half. What was her name? How can I forget her name?

Panicked now I let out a whimper.

"What was her name? My mother? I can't remember! Why can't I remember?" I demand.

"Bella." Dr. Cullen's soft reply alarms me all over and I tense.

My body considers him a threat. I can feel it. What on earth could be threatening about Dr. Cullen? Nothing makes any sense.

The world looks new. Different. Like I can see all these little components I missed in my first twenty years of life.

"Bella," he continues. I've never heard him use my name with such frequency and it's putting me on edge. I'm already so jittery with not understanding where I am or how I got here. "I did something rash."

"Did what? I'm different. I can see and smell and hear and taste everything!" I bury my face in my hands, so ashamed that I'm speaking to him that way.

"I know. Everything looks new now. You're senses are sharper, stronger, super human," he attempts to explain. Still, I can't quite grasp what he's trying to tell me.

"Then I'm not dead?" I ask, peaking up at him. "But I'm sure that I am dead. Really, I thought I died."

"I'm so sorry, Isabella," he says. I believe him too because I can hear the pain in his every syllable. "But you are, in fact, dead."

"I don't understand!" I shriek, still alarmed by the bell-like quality now present in my voice. I stare down at my pale hands, noticing the dust swirling around them and the prisms of the light as I flex them.

I'm dead but that was supposed to mean Edward. I'm supposed to be with Edward.

I feel strong. All my muscles tingle with the need to expend energy, and my throat burns with the need… for something else I can't place. I ignore all of it, needing answers only.

"What… what happened?" I manage. In my angst I've straightened to get a better look at him. Logically I know Dr. Cullen is a healer, that he would never hurt me. Still, there is something about his scent that has my body going on the defensive. It takes me a moment to override that impulse.

Dr. Cullen stares at me as if I'm about to explode for a moment.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I'm sorry. You are just not acting like I expected. Most newborns are so volatile. But you seem totally in control, if not confused."

"I have no idea what you are blathering on about," I reply.

"Can we sit?" he asks, gesturing at the bed and a small chair pulled up to the side. Dr. Cullen must have sat here and watched me die.

Because he's confirmed my suspicions. I am, in fact, dead.

I feel no urge to sit, but Elizabeth's teachings are deeply ingrained in me, and I don't want to be rude. I perch on the foot of the bed. Dr. Cullen drags the chair back, giving me some space but facing me just the same.

Sitting feels so unnatural, but I do it without fidgeting as I continue to study Dr. Cullen. How could I have never seen all that beauty when I looked at him before?

"I must confess, I haven't been quite honest with you, Isabella," he says, looking properly ashamed.

"In what way, Dr. Cullen?"

"I'm not… well, I'm not entirely human."

His statement hangs heavy in the air. Before the burning and the fever, I would have dismissed him as a lunatic, but in this moment I don't feel particularly human myself.

Which seems about right because apparently I died.

"You look human," I point out. Frankly I feel like my calm should be commended. If I don't get some answers soon I might rip off his head in frustration. I've never felt such a violent urge. What's even scarier is that my muscles ache to do it: That my muscles could do it.

Dr. Cullen sighs and rubs his thumbs over his eyes. My patience wanes.

"You look human, too," he finally replies. "For the most part. Bella, I am so sorry. I did something to you that you might not appreciate."

I stare at him blankly, wishing he would just spit out whatever has him so disturbed. Maybe this is a very strange form of purgatory. Certainly I never read about anything like this in the good book.

"Over the past few years, I've come to regard you and your husband with such affection. Do you remember your husband?"

I growl again, totally offended by this absurd question. Does he think so little of me that a small amount of burning and a lot of confusion would cause me to forget my other half? My everything?

"Right," Dr. Cullen says, correctly interpreting my livid expression. He appears shocked and confused but quickly moves on. "I got to know Edward quite well throughout his training and I was absolutely devastated to hear about his death."

I take in a gulp of air, preparing to cry. I touch my face in surprise when the tears don't come. It feels like I'm crying but there's nothing remotely moist about my strangely temperate face.

And why is Dr. Cullen telling me this? We talked at Edward's funeral. Surely it wasn't so long ago that he expects me to have forgotten.

"I resolved to look out for you, Bella," he explains. "In every limited way I could. I visited you daily before we decided to bring you to the hospital for round the clock care. I've never seen anything like it. Almost as though you gave up."

"Of course I gave up, you twit," I snap. The rudeness thoroughly alarms me all over again, but I press on. "I know it's horrible, losing the will to live when people like Clara and Elizabeth and Edward Sr. needs me to continue, but I just couldn't."

"You remember them?" he asks in awe. "You remember all this? From your fever?"

"Was it that long ago? Of course I remember them. And what did you do to my fever? I quite enjoyed it. Edward was there. Dream Edward was wonderful, but I knew he couldn't stay and the only way to make it permanent was to see my husband in heaven. But instead I died and here I am with you!" By the end of my little speech I'm yelling. Somewhere buried deep I feel compassion for Dr. Cullen who looks mortified and guilty, but in my confusion and fear seems the safer emotion.

I glance down to see that the wooden frame at the foot of the bed is completely destroyed, cracked by my hand. With a cry of alarm I throw away the wood, horrified that I'm capable of that.

"You're like me," he explains, pleading with me for understanding. "I made you like me to keep you here. To keep you existing in the world."

I have absolutely no idea what he's prattling on about.

"Where exactly are we?" I ask, glancing around the modest wooden cabin.

"Illinois," he murmurs. "About sixty miles from downtown Chicago."

Letting out a shaky breath, I slump down, suddenly so exhausted. The feeling is strange, like my body could run around the surface of the globe while my mind wants nothing more than to shut down, to get back to dream Edward.

Sixty miles from the city: And it feels like I've traveled to the sun and back.

"And when exactly did I die?" I ask.

"About three days ago," Dr. Cullen replies, looking ashamed. "Almost to the hour."

I let out a hysterical laugh that turns into a wail.

"What did you do, Dr. Cullen?" I ask, sounding as crazed as I feel. Although I can't fathom the details, I am positive that the esteemed Dr. Cullen stole my chance of an afterlife with Edward.

Rage boils my blood. I sit on my hands to prevent myself from lashing out.

"I changed you," he repeats. "I bit your neck, making you like me."

Absently I trace the smooth scar on my neck. It seems to be the one imperfection in my new and improved body, the one thing marring my flawless skin.

"And what exactly are you, Dr. Cullen? Just say it. Out loud."

He closes his amber eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Vampire," is his reply.

There is a beat of silence in which we simple stare at each other.

"A vampire?" I repeat with a raised eyebrow. With each passing moment spent in the company of the good doctor I become more convinced that he's completely off his rocker.

I cross my arms over my chest and study him with skepticism.

No wonder I died, with a kook like this responsible for my recovery.

"Yes," he says, wringing his hands. His obvious nerves are trying my very fragile hold on calm.

"Oh really?" I ask with false sweetness. "Where are the fangs?" I demand, running my tongue of over my straight, albeit somewhat sharper, teeth. "Do I have the ability to turn into a bat? Does this make you Dracula?"

"No," Dr. Cullen says. "Dracula is really a rather troubled fellow and quite antisocial. He would never bend to some bizarre compulsion to create a companion."

I stare at him for a long moment. He looks uncomfortable under my gaze.

"You, Dr. Cullen," I say, rising gracefully from my position on the bed, "belong in the mental hospital. The moment I get back to Chicago I will be discussing this little escapade with the board. I'm blurry on the details, but I'm convinced you've kidnapped me for some nefarious purpose. It may have worked when I was weak and fever riddled, but I'm strong now. I'd like to see you try, the way I feel now. You'll be dead before you can lay a fingertip on me."

As insane as it sounds, I believe my own words. This post-fever strength leaves me capable of defending myself. I'm sure of it.

"Wait," Dr. Cullen says, scrambling after me. He gets between me and the door. I growl at him. "I'm telling the truth, Bella—"

"That's Mrs. Masen to you, sir," I snap.

"Mrs. Masen," he says, grabbing a mirror off the dresser and shoving it in my face. "Look."

"What, am I supposed to be convinced by my lack of reflection? That's the myth, is it n—"

I stop babbling abruptly when I finally do as Dr. Cullen insists. The mirror is not devoid of my image, as I taunted it would be. Instead I gaze upon the unearthly creature reflected back at me. She is me and not me all at once. We share basic features, but her perfection is not something any women could hope to achieve.

Smooth, pale skin.

Full red lips.

High, ideal cheekbones and sculpted brows:

All arranged perfectly on the heart-shaped face that is familiar but better somehow.

I take this all in even as I stare intently at the eyes. Lifting an elegant hand to touch an eyelid is the only thing that convinces me that this hauntingly beautiful creature reflected back is actually me.

Edward was always particularly fond of my eyes. Big, brown, and heavily lashed, I too thought them to be my best feature.

This probably remains true, but it's difficult for me to really analyze my new and improved eyes. I'm too distracted by their color.

Red.

Blood red.

I stare into my own blood red gaze for a full ten minutes before I'm forced to accept Dr. Cullen's version of reality.

Monsters do exist. Now I'm one of them. Dead, but not dead. Unalive, but here, defying nature with my very existence. Soulless. Damned.

"Oh, Edward." My murmur is a broken wail. I sink to the floor, pulling my legs tight to my chest and hiding my face in my knees. I pretend to cry. Apparently demons aren't granted the blessing of this form of release. "You stole my happy ending," I say, glancing up at Dr. Cullen. Moments ago I was furious. Now I let the misery overtake me. "My one chance at being with my husband."

God is punishing me for giving up my life, for so easily disregarding his precious gift.

"I'm so sorry," Dr. Cullen mutters, wisely giving me space. His words are so quiet I only hear them because of my new, super-human, apparently vampiric abilities. "So very, very sorry."

I sit perfectly still for a long moment, aware of Dr. Cullen hovering but ignoring his presence. My body screams at me to get up, to defend myself from this creature who stole my afterlife, who made me into something wicked.

Only, I don't feel wicked. Strong and angry, yes. But not wicked. Before this moment I haven't let myself think on the very basics of what it means to be a vampire.

I'm a killer now, right? Or I will be in the very near future. Do I crave human blood? Human life? Is that what sustains me? The thought of taking a life is abhorrent to me. I've seen what death does to a family first hand. Every perspective victim is someone's Edward.

No, I could never do that, even if it meant survival.

Obviously the end of my human life demonstrates how little regard I hold for my own survival.

"Why?" I say with a hiss, suddenly needing to know. The venom in my voice scares me. Anger and hatred that sound so unlike the person I used to be.

Dr. Cullen looks like he's on the verge of totally falling apart. Why aren't his eyes red like mine?

The man responsible for my damnation slumps dejectedly against the wooden wall of the cabin. "I wish I had a answer, but I honestly cannot say," he murmurs, avoiding my gaze.

"Do try to find one then, doctor," I spit out. My creator must be the demonic sort. I wonder how many of his patients turn into victims. It must be so easy for him, the way he's trusted as a healer.

And all this time he's been the exact opposite.

"I've never turned someone before," he confesses. "Despite the utter loneliness of being one of very few vampires to choose this lifestyle, I never really considered bestowing this curse upon anyone. I've longed for companionship, but I didn't think I was this selfish."

He looks far beyond me, his eyes unfocused as if he's forgotten I'm here at all.

"What lifestyle?" I ask, unmoved by his claims of eternal loneliness.

He blinks his strange amber eyes rapidly. They are darker than I remember, but the color remains unusual, especially when compared to my own alarming shade.

"Lord," he mutters to himself, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs again. "I'm such a fool. There is so much to say."

"Well?" I demand.

"I do not adhere to a traditional vampiric diet," he says in a rush.

I blink at him in confusion for a moment before I translate what he's trying to tell me. "You don't eat people? You don't drink blood?"

"Yes and no," he answers with a slight chuckle. "I don't 'eat people' as you so charmingly put it but I do drink blood. Animal blood. Not as appetizing perhaps, but still offers sustenance."

I pout a little, irritated that there is an alternative means to survival. Not wanting to be a killer will not be an excuse to give up for a second time.

"It's possible, Bella," he says, taking a rushed step towards me. The movement makes it harder to ignore how threatening his presence makes me feel, and I press myself into the bed at my back. Realizing that he's scared me he abruptly stops. "That burning in your throat, the overwhelming urge to feed? You don't have to give into it. It will take time, but someday you will learn to live without hurting anyone. You're humanity is still buried deep. I know I can't make you do anything, but I will be here to help you try. That's all I ask, and I know I have no right to ask even that."

His little speech makes absolutely no sense to me. I feel no burn, a slight tingling that is easily ignored, but no burn. Beside the physical alterations I feel no different than I did pre fever. My humanity feels intact, despite the way Dr. Cullen talks.

His words do make me consider the fluttering heartbeat in the next room. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but if it's a person I feel no urge to feed on it. None at all.

"I don't need to try," I tell him with a shrug. "I've had enough of death. It won't be a problem."

Dr. Cullen gapes at me in shock. "You're not crazed with blood lust?" he whispers.

"Not that I'm aware of," I reply dryly.

"Fascinating," he whispers reverently. "You are an enigma, Mrs. Masen. Truly remarkable! Although I've never changed someone before, I can assure you that it's not normally like this. In the beginning very little of the person is left within the newborn. The demon demands blood. In the first year that's all the typical newborn cares about. You always remained immobile during your transformation. I wonder why."

I don't want to be a demon demanding blood.

"I don't feel like that," I say, puzzled. "Will I start to be like that?" I ask, truly terrified for the first time since I succumbed to fever.

"No," Dr. Cullen says, sounding confident. "No, Bella. I won't allow it."

I give him a small smile. I'll still be this. I'll still be Bella.

Except I don't want to be anything in this world. I'm forced to bury my face in my knees again when I think of Edward.

"Newborns normally don't remember much from their human lives either," Dr. Cullen says his voice gentle.

"I can't remember my mother's name," I whisper, so ashamed to admit I've forgotten. Everything but her voice.

"Renee. Vanessa Renee Swan, but she was known as Renee. She was gone long before I got to Chicago, but I attended enough functions hosted by your mother-in-law to hear about her."

Renee. Renee Swan. She loved my father, Charles Swan, and they both loved me. Father couldn't even look at me after she died, succumbed to fever. Just like me.

Good thing father died sometime recently or my passing surely would have killed him.

"But you remember the rest?" Dr. Cullen pushes: "Edward, Clara and the Masen's?"

I nod into my knees. I can see their faces so vividly in my mind, they could be standing right in front of me. Edward is clearest of all, of course, but my memories seem intact for the most part. My youth is hazy, but the important parts are there.

"You are a very unusual vampire, Bella," he informs me.

I blink up at him, embarrassed. My telling blush is one thing I will not miss.

"My apologies," I murmur.

Dr. Cullen lets out a chuckle, but it trails off when he gets a good look at my face.

"You must loath me," he says. "Really, I don't know what I was thinking. Immortality is the last thing you must want."

I take a few deep breaths as I try to absorb this latest piece of disturbing information.

"Do I have a soul?" I ask. "I mean, I could still get an after life with Edward, right? Maybe this is God's plan. Maybe He's telling me that I rushed into death without fighting to be alive. Can vampires die at all? Maybe I just have to wait for death to be with Edward."

The little flicker of hope is painful and terrifying.

"It's very difficult to kill us," Dr. Cullen says, looking so sad. I realize it's for me but it doesn't really help. "But it's certainly possible. As for a soul… this I could not say. But I can't imagine someone like you, totally devoid of any urge to give into the vampiric nature and kill, soulless."

I look at him for the first time in a long time and give him a slight smile.

"Thank you," I say, oddly touched in this extremely upsetting moment. "This is just… so much."

Dr. Cullen winces. My eyes narrow. The look on his face plainly says that there is actually more. What it could possible be I can't even conceive.

"Just… tell me," I say. Dr. Cullen stares at me for a moment, obviously surprised that I understood the situation so quickly. I hold a finger up, indicating that I need one moment.

Closing my eyes, I breath deeply albeit unnecessarily. I clear my mind, focusing on nothing but inhaling and exhaling. It's strange that my life – or unlife – is no longer tethered to this act. Breathing provides comfort and still serves to calm me down, something I did often before the fever.

After a few minutes I feel as though I've succeeded in clearing my mind. I open my eyes and nod at Dr. Cullen. At my go ahead the words explode from his mouth at a disquieting rate.

"I can't explain why I did this to you," he assures me. "To venture a guess, to attempt to give you a reason, I would have to hypothesize that it is a combination of things. My loneliness, my desire for a companion, coupled with my affection for you and your late husband and an overwhelming scientific curiosity made me lose my mind for a moment brief enough… to… bite you. My venom changed you. That's how it works, you see. The venom. You have venom in your veins now. Like me."

He pauses for a moment, watching me to gauge my reaction.

"Curious?" I ask. I can begin to understand his other reasons. Loneliness makes people act oddly, and he's obviously always been fond of Edward and I. Scientific curiosity? What does that mean?

Dr. Cullen swallows, looking painfully uncomfortable once again. He opens his mouth and I lean forward, feeling that whatever is about to come out of his mouth will change everything.

Again, for the third time in as many days.

And then I hear it, just a little cry from beyond the bedroom door that seems to pierce my unbeating heart. My head whips around, and I stare at the hunk of wood that separates my purgatory from the rest of the world. Odd to think that life goes on outside these four, simple walls.

The cry is followed by a whimper, and I'm on my feet. Now that I'm focused for the first time on something outside this small bedroom, I can identify the steady breathing and heartbeat of a tiny human.

"Dr. Cullen," I say, my voice low in my fury. "What exactly is going on here? Surely you didn't lie to me about your vegetarian vampirism only to bring me a baby as a first meal? A little introduction to the demonic way of life?"

Dr. Cullen's eyes go wide with horror. "No! I would never! That's…" He stutters in a way that would be comical if I wasn't so livid.

"Dr. Cullen!" I yell, hoping to focus him.

"That's the reason for my curiosity!" he manages. "Mrs. Masen, you were on the verge of death, with child, and I wanted to know what happened. Never in my wildest dreams…"

"What!" I shriek, recoiling. What Dr. Cullen is claiming is far too wonderful and terrible to truly contemplate. "I was… with Edward's…" I can't bear to speak the words. "And you didn't think to tell me! I didn't know and I just let myself waste away. For what? So I could become your little science experiment!"

I'm astounded to find myself advancing on Dr. Cullen. The compulsion to get violent is something I'm going to need to get used too. And learn to control.

"I did tell you! We all told you, but you were too far-gone. You were weak and delirious and we couldn't make you understand!"

A growl rumbles low in my throat. Logically, I know he's probably right but there is so much raging inside of me, anger is far more appealing that completely breaking down.

I'm dead.

I'm a vampire.

Vampires apparently exist, although despite the red-eyed situation I feel no different.

I was pregnant.

I was pregnant with Edward's child and too consumed by my own misery to recognize the now very obvious signs.

I was pregnant with Edward's child and didn't fight for my life. For his child's life.

Something is crying in the next room and as of three days ago I was pregnant with Edward's child.

"Dr. Cullen," I whisper, the panic rising in my chest. I flap my hands around and fail to get a hold of my breathing. "What—"

Impossibly fast footsteps approaching momentarily distract me. A door slams and I instinctively move into a defensive crouch.

"Carlisle!" The clear voice from the other room somehow manages to be raspy and tinkling at the same time. In another breath I pick up on the faintly sweet scent that I'm already recognizing as that of a vampire. "Where art thou, Carlisle?"

I let out a hiss, not liking this interruption.

"In the bedroom, Kate," Dr. Cullen calls out. The exhaustion is clear in his voice.

The door slowly creaks open and I tense, preparing for attack.

"Wow," says the strikingly beautiful creature that steps through the threshold. White-blond hair surrounds her unblemished face. Her eyes are a lighter version of Carlisle's. "You're up. I thought we had a few more hours yet, or I wouldn't have gone hunting."

I scowl at Dr. Cullen, wondering if all his claims of loneliness were mere fabrication.

"Did Carlisle explain everything?" she asks. "You are so beautiful, Isabella."

The familiarity with which she speaks irritates me, but her words are spoken with such warmth and honesty, I relax slightly.

"I'm working on it, Kate," he murmurs, studying my face. I can feel his gaze on me, even as I watch the newcomer.

"I know, darling girl," Kate says. She makes no move to approach me, even as she looks at me with nothing but sympathy and compassion. "I remember the confusion well. It took me months to really believe that it wasn't all a strange dream. Mind you this was some five hundred years ago, but I imagine it's similar."

My eyes go wide. Five hundred years. I resolve to think on this later. There's not much room in my head for anything at the moment.

"How rude of me," the tall, Nordic woman continues. "I'm Kate. My two sisters and I have known Carlisle for centuries. I was in the neighborhood when he got himself into this… little situation. Thought I could be helpful."

I stare at Kate for a long moment before my knees buckle.

"Little situation," I murmur, clutching my head as I sit heavily on the bed. "Christ, I'm dreaming. This is the fever only. I'm still in a hospital bed. I'm still in a hospital bed. I'm still in a hospital bed. I'm still—"

"Bella," Dr. Cullen says, interrupting my hysterical chanting. "You're here. This is real. And you're a mother."

A mother.

Dr. Cullen's words force me to connect my alleged pregnancy to the occasional whimper in the next room.

"I… mother… baby… Edward?"

I've gone unintelligible: A few more deep breaths before turning my wide eyes on Dr. Cullen.

"You're a mother," he repeats with a small smile. "Never in my wildest dreams did I think something like this would happen, but the change must have accelerated your pregnancy. It was a miracle to watch. I have no idea why or how you stayed so still during the transformation, but you gave birth. She's two days old."

My useless heart seems to drop to my stomach.

"She?" I whisper. My whole being is focused on the fluttering heartbeat in the next room. "She? She lives?"

"It's all quite confusing to me, but yes. You gave birth, although you hardly noticed the pain of that during the burning. She lives. She breathes. She enjoys milk, but much prefers blood. For two days now," he explains.

I recoil at the image that forms in my head of a demon child, feasting off the human remains of those I love.

"So she's a…" I'm too afraid to ask.

"No," Dr. Cullen says, shaking his head. "She's extraordinary, Bella. Neither human nor vampire. A hybrid, it seems. Nothing like I've ever seen. She appears stronger than your average infant, but nothing like an immortal child."

Kate shivers violently. I decide not to ask for details. Apparently I now must suffer the burden of immortality. I have time for these questions, but I must know about my child. His child.

Our hybrid baby.

"She's so sweet, Bella," Kate assures me. "Cooing and happy. She has this gift… well, you'll see."

The realization that this stranger knows my daughter before me snaps me out of my shock. I must see her. Abruptly I stand on unsteady feet. Kate and Dr. Cullen rush to block my path to my daughter. I growl and must quell the almost overwhelming urge to violently force them out of my way.

"Move!" I yell, consumed with the urgent need to see my child, to see what remains of Edward on this earthly plane. I need to see that she isn't a monster.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen says, speaking to me like one would a wild animal. "We need to proceed carefully. We have to protect your daughter."

"From what?" I scream back. "I'm her mother. Now move of out my way!"

"She's part human," yells back a suddenly irate Kate. "You're remarkably in control for a newborn, but you're a vampire now. And what do vampires eat?"

My mouth drops open in horror.

"I would never—" I start.

"You lose yourself," Kate continues.

"Bella doesn't seem to suffer from any blood lust," Dr. Cullen explains. "It's remarkable and totally unique, but you haven't really been around your natural food source yet. You haven't had to combat the burn in your throat and the ache in your limbs that long to hunt people. What is the harm in proceeding with caution, Bella?"

In this moment, I truly do loathe him. Not only because I see that he's right but also because I blame him entirely for the whole situation. I resent the fact that my nature is no longer human. I resent Dr. Cullen for turning me into something that can't be trusted not to eat my own daughter!

"Fine," I reply with a huff, relaxing slightly. "But I will meet my daughter. What do you suggest we do?"

Dr. Cullen relaxes slightly. Kate does not.

"There is so much you will learn about the world now," Dr. Cullen muses. I growl, trying to get him back to the topic at hand. "Right. There are vampires with special abilities that surpass those of the typical vampire. These special gifts can be almost anything. The ability to see the future. The ability to inflict blindness. Anything. Kate can incapacitate with a sort of electrical charge. She has different levels of shock, but I've seen her highest strength put a vampire down for fifteen minutes. She just needs to touch your skin. That's why Kate is here. Newborns are exceptionally strong in their first year as their bodies garner strength from their own human blood supply. If you wanted to hurt your daughter, I would not be able to stop you. That's why Kate is here."

I regard Kate warily. And she seemed so nice only moments ago. She smirks at me.

"What are you saying?" I ask.

"I propose that you let Kate hold your hand as we move together as a group to see your daughter in the next room. You must be very honest with your urges. Once you get used to being so close, Kate will let you go. If the bloodlust overcomes you, Kate will shock you to protect your daughter, giving me time to get her to safety."

I scowl at Kate, hating the idea that she has such power over me. Still, I will not take any chances with the safety of my child.

Oh God. I have a child. Edward's child.

I take a deep, calming breath and nod at Dr. Cullen, letting Kate take a hold of my hand. I decide I don't like this stunning blonde vampire and I have to look up to make eye contact.

Oh heavens. I'm about to meet my daughter.

We move through the door, a strange little parade, and into the main room of this small cabin. The furnishings are simple and rustic, the walls wood. Across the room, under a big window, is a crib. I'm unable to see inside, but my daughter is obviously there, feet away.

I move quicker. Kate tugs on my elbow, giving me a pointed look. I scowl at her. Suddenly, I don't know what I want – to see her or to not. I've always wanted to be a mother, but not like this.

Alone. Husbandless. Vampire.

The little thing fusing across the room deserves much better.

But then it's too late to go back now because Dr. Cullen is lifting my child into his arms. Some need to be protective flares in my chest and I take a rushed step forward before I remember that I'm the threat to my child here, if these strangers are to be believed.

And I believe Dr. Cullen. Before all this, he was so good to Edward, so good to me. Even if in this moment I'm furious at him for turning me and my child into some strange experiment to satisfy his twisted curiosities.

My unneeded breath catches in my chest when I get a good look at her for the first time.

She's… perfect. Absolutely perfect. For the first time I feel no fear or agony. I forget my misery.

I'm filled with hope and it stuns me.

Her tiny hand clutches Dr. Cullen's finger as she turns her bright eyes on me. They are big and expressive, hold an intellect that seems to transcend her age. Surely at two days old no normal child could study me so critically.

She looks at me with familiar eyes, eyes that once looked back at me daily from the mirror. My eyes.

"Oh, Edward," I murmur, totally in awe of the baby held a safe distance away. "Look what we did. Thank you, God."

Everything about her is beautiful, from the fuzzy bronze hair on her head to her precious toenails. Even her skin seems to glow slightly in the sunlight. She shines. She sparkles.

I stare at her for long minutes, before I realize that Kate and Dr. Cullen are looking at me with the same intensity with which I look at my daughter.

"Feeling… hungry?" Kate asks, raising a pale eyebrow at me.

"What? No!" I cry with a hiss, cringing away from my captor. "She's mine! I would never hurt her. It is now clear to me that she is my one reason for existing at all. She even smells like me! And my late husband! I do not feel one prickle of this supposed blood lust you two are so concerned with. Now unhand me at once."

The steel in my tone is also new. Perhaps every change is not to be loathed.

Kate glares at me before turning to shoot a questioning glance to Dr. Cullen.

"She's fine, Kate," Dr. Cullen murmurs, smiling down at the cooing bundle in his arms. "Look at her. Her humanity remains, almost unchanged. Truly, she's a wonder. Let her go."

I'm so consumed with the need to touch my child, to meet her and convince myself that she's real, that I don't even acknowledge the doctors kind words.

Suddenly, I'm nervous. Although nothing about her enchanting scent smells like food, I worry about this supposed nature that my companions can't seem to get over.

What if I'll turn into a typical, violent vampire at any moment? Should I even be around my daughter?

I take two steps forward and one step back.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen says in his mellow, calming doctor tones. "You're her mother. It will be fine. Come, meet your daughter."

Despite my displeasure with the good doctor, I trust his opinion. Even after all this, something compels me to trust him. Now seems as good a time as any to trust my instinct to… trust.

I find myself standing inches from Dr. Cullen and my daughter. I stare down at her in wonder, still frightened that I'll ruin this somehow. That she won't be real somehow.

But then Carlisle is placing her gently in my arms and she's very solid and completely real. I gasp at her warmth. I only have my fellow vampires to compare her too, but she's different, warm and pliant, but still much more sturdy than I would have imagined.

I'm flooded with a rush of love, so very different from what I remember experiencing before, yet very much the same. This is my child, the life I created with the man that I love.

All I have left of him.

I let out a strangled sob, part sorrow, mostly joy, as I cuddle her closer to my chest. My daughter coos and snuggles closer. I reach up to stroke her cheek, unable to tear my gaze from her face.

She's just so stunningly perfect: The only thing giving my new unlife any meaning.

I'm vaguely aware of Dr. Cullen and Kate talking in hushed tones across the room. Somehow, along with the super senses, my brain seems to work in different ways. I'm able to be totally focused on the child in my arms while listening and absorbing at the same time.

"I shocked her, Carlisle," Kate is saying.

"Pardon?"

"When she first stared to rush forward," Kate continues, voice low and urgent. "Just a little zap to remind her of the danger."

"And? Surely this isn't you feeling guilty for using your gift for the first time in your long life," Dr. Cullen replies.

My daughter latches onto my finger, just as she did with Dr. Cullen earlier. I hold perfection in my arms.

"No," Kate snaps, impatient. "It didn't work."

A beat of silence in which my daughter almost smiles at me:

"What ever do you mean?" Dr. Cullen is serious now, concerned for his intimidating and beautiful companion

"She didn't feel it," Kate says.

"Are you sure?"

"I've been doing this long enough, Carlisle," she replies with a huff. "I know when it works. She did stop, but there was no flinch, nothing. She didn't even glance in my direction or gasp in surprise. Something is wrong here."

Dr. Cullen takes her hand. I hear a crackle, see a flash out of the corner of my eyes, and Carlisle grunts slightly.

I feel her soft skin, kiss her cheeks, and breathe her in deep.

"Well, it's not you," he mutters.

Kate sighs with relief.

"That's something for another day," Dr. Cullen continues. I'm well aware that they're discussing me. Something is wrong with me, making it so I don't feel Kate's shock, but in this moment I don't care about anything but this precious treasure that has become my whole life – or unlife – in the last few minutes.

I spend hours cuddling with my child. We get to know each other and I've never loved in this way.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen murmurs sometimes later. "What's her name?"

"Vanessa," I reply, having decided this, hours ago. "Vanessa Elizabeth Masen."

"After your mothers," he says, nodding in approval.

"Yes," I say, smiling. I'm glad he's now included Elizabeth in this category. I always have. "After my mothers."

Vanessa makes me miss Edward more and less at the same time. She sharpens and soothes the pain of his loss simultaneously.

And I will do everything in my power to make a perfect life for her.

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**So there are some answers. The next chapter won't take too long, but reviews are wonderful motivation. I'm just sayin'.**

**As always, thank you so very much for reading.  
**


	11. Good Parts

**So I've spent the holiday being thankfull for you, my wonderful readers and followers and reviewers. Here is the next chapter. Let me know what you think. I'm just as irrationally nervous about this one as I was about the last one.**

**I don't know anything.  
**

**Betaed by dowlingnan.  
**

* * *

After our first two trips down memory lane Edward held me as I recovered from controlling my shield. This time, after I show him the memory of our daughter's birth, I hold Edward.

The moment I open my eyes and let my shield snap back into place, Edward collapses into my arms, his forehead resting against my neck. His need for comfort is not something I anticipated, but I give it to him anyway.

I was prepared for his anger and his confusion. I was prepared to explain and watch him leave me for a final time, but I was nowhere near prepared to offer comfort.

I am a fool.

In the last several weeks Edward has found out not only that he has a wife and a history, but also a hybrid daughter almost totally unique to the vampire world. Of course he needs comfort.

I stroke his hair and rock him slightly.

We sit like that for a very long time. My mind goes a million miles a minute as I try to understand this reaction. I desperately want to know what is going on in that beautiful head of his, but I don't dare speak.

This is the first time I've seen such intense vulnerability in the cold, hard, vampire version of my husband. He needs me now, for the first time in a century, and I will not ruin the moment with questions.

We sit for an hour and forty-eight minutes, slumped sideways against the couch. Edward pulls me more firmly against him, bringing me into his lap as his head stays buried in my neck. He learns more firmly back into the cushions and I rest on his chest. I hold him tight and wrap myself around as much of his body as possible.

We sit awhile longer.

At some point it changes. Although I continue to comfort him, I let myself be comforted at the same time.

He won't leave. How could he ever leave? So much of the man I married remains within this vampire, all those fears seem laughable now.

"Bella," he says, disturbing our fragile quiet.

The last few weeks have been so emotional all I can manage is a small whimper in reply. Edward's grip tightens. I can feel his ragged breath against my neck.

"Does she know about me?" he asks.

I close my eyes and exhale, letting my tense body relax into him for the first time since we were in the lake.

"In a way," I murmur, continuing to stroke his soft bronze locks. "She's heard stories of her human father, although not as many as she should have. It was so hard to talk about you, even to our daughter."

Edward shudders at the phrase. I press on.

"She knows I'm here with someone I knew as a human. She knows I've been helping you with memories. Does she know you are a vampire and her father? No. I haven't told her. I was waiting to tell you."

"And now you have."

"And now I have."

Silence reigns once more. I continue to rock. I find the motion soothing, and Edward lets out a sigh.

"Is she happy?"

His second question surprises me, although it shouldn't. I pause for a moment to consider, as I really want to be honest with him.

"Yes," I reply as I smile to myself. I think about our daughter learning to snowboard. I think about her bursting through our front door, still overjoyed to get straight A's for the twentieth year in a row. I think about her falling asleep in Carlisle's lap as he reads to her. I think about her extraordinary gift and how she smiles when Jake lets her beat him at basketball. "She's very happy. Vanessa… our daughter, she's so happy she'll make you feel alive."

Edward nods into my neck.

"It's been the only reason of my existence," I continue. "Her happiness. Until you came back to me, that is."

Edward lets out a shuddering sigh and nods again.

"Is she… has she aged? Will she die? Is she ninety-five? Actually ninety-five?" He shoots these questions to me, rapid fire.

"No," I reply. "Mentally and physically she's only about thirteen, an eighth grader. I guess it's a hybrid thing. She ages seven times slower than a human."

"So she won't die?"

"Not of natural causes, no. She'll stop ageing at 120. She'll be around seventeen, physically. It's as if she has to grow into immortality."

"Wow."

"I know."

"How do you know all this?" He asks his questions into my neck. I want nothing more than to be able to see his face, but he continues to hide. And really I don't mind. It means I get to hold him close. Plus, there is the divine feeling of his lips against my skin.

"There are others like her. A very small community of hybrid children and their mothers that Carlisle and I found in the Amazon two years after I turned. They told us."

More nodding. I decide to take a risk and keep going.

"She is so like you, Edward, our Vanessa Elizabeth," I murmur into his hair.

"Elizabeth?" he asks, lifting his head slightly. It knocks me in the chin, but still I can't get a good look at his face.

"After our mothers. Remember I told you? Mine was Vanessa Renee and yours was Elizabeth Ann? God, how I loved your mother," I say, marveling at everything I'm feeling. I know it has to be harder for Edward, but I'm not exactly used to indulging in my humanity either. With him I feel so much. It's overwhelming, but in a good way.

"And I loved her too?"

"Yes. Very much."

"What happened to her?"

I wince at the memory. There is no way either of us is up for emotionally dealing with that one. "That is another story for another day. I'll show you."

More nodding into my neck from Edward.

"She looks like you," I tell him, talking about our daughter again. His fingers slip under my shirt and press into my spine, making me shiver. "Just like you. Except the eyes. She has my eyes."

"Big, brown and deep?"

"It's hard to say no when she looks at you with those eyes."

"I can imagine," he replies with a chuckle.

And he really can. That's the one thing he's always remembered. My eyes.

"And she's so gifted. Wait until she shows you her gift. She can project images right into your head. She shows you and makes you feel what she feels. It's amazing. And she smart, too. Smart like you. And musical. Hearing her sing is a religious experience. It will make you wish you could cry," I continue.

"Everything you've told me so far about her makes me wish I could cry," he mutters.

"Me too."

More head nodding followed by more silence. Once again I'm thankful to be what I am, not only because vampirism has brought me Edward, but also because it allows me to stay in this one position for so long. I don't get uncomfortable, even though we've been wrapped around each other for hours. Time means something different post death. I would sit here like this with Edward for days if I thought it would help.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"Does this mean…" He takes a deep breath. "Does this mean I didn't ruin it?"

"Oh, sweetheart," I say, my voice breaking. Even though I'm not entirely sure what he's talking about, I provide comfort. "You haven't ruined anything."

"I almost did. But, Bella, we can still be a family."

A sob hitches in my chest. My lungs feel tight. Not in a million years did I think he'd want this. Perhaps I'm just prepared for the absolute worst-case scenario, but the fact that he wants us comes as a total shock.

And it shouldn't because this is Edward. He wouldn't leave.

"You didn't ruin anything," I repeat.

At this Edward finally peeks up at me, so nervous and tentative. He is very obviously still somewhat in shock, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping slightly. He stares at me with pale red eyes for a long moment before he smiles a shy, perfect smile. It's slow and at first just the corners of his lips twitch up. I give him an encouraging smile of my own before his blooms fully.

There he is. There is my husband.

"We have a child," Edward murmurs, reaching out to stroke my cheek with his thumb

I'm too overcome to do anything but nod. At my confirmation, Edward lets out a quick, deep burst of laughter.

"We have a daughter," he says again, marveling at the situation. "Vanessa. She's our daughter."

His joy is infectious. I find myself smiling and laughing right along with him. This is the best possible reaction I could imagine. This is the best possible moment, beyond anything I could imagine.

He's happy. I told him about our daughter and he's overjoyed, ecstatic even. Just the thought that Vanessa exists and is his makes Edward happy.

I laugh and smile in relief. We embrace on the couch, me in his lap, my calves lined up on the outside of his tights.

Edward kisses my forehead, reverently, tenderly, and then lays his forehead against mine. He cradles my face in his hands and I breathe him in. I kiss the tip of his nose because it just happens to be the closest thing to my lips.

Edward lets out a breathless chuckle. We smile at each other for another long moment before he frowns. I feel his brow furrow, and I pull away to study him warily.

"She's almost all grown up," he murmurs. "And I wasn't there. Not when you found out you were pregnant, not when she was born, not for any of it."

"Oh no," I say, shaking my head at his as I cover his mouth with my hand. It's a little more forceful than necessary and Edward's eyes go wide. "No, no, no! No more guilty Edward. You weren't there because you didn't know. You had no way of knowing. It's not your fault. You can feel sad. It is okay and understandable to feel sad, but no more guilt."

Slowly I remove my hand from his mouth.

"But it's my fau—"

"Edward!" I say with a groan.

"Bella, you were all alone because I left—"

Kissing him seems like the only reasonable way to make him stop. I absolutely cannot go down the Edward berates himself for leaving me road again. Not right now when he's just reacted so wonderfully to finding out about Vanessa.

I succeed in silencing Edward. It's hard and quick and I'm so desperate for more, but Alice's warning lingers in my head. I don't want to rush him, even if I need him so badly it hurts.

Edward stares at me with this goofy little grin on his face for a moment before grabbing my head between both his hands and yanking my face towards his. Edward kisses the thought right out of my head, stealing the breath from my chest, making me moan.

This kiss is different from the others we've shared as vampires. It's desperate and so passionate, lacking that tentative, wary edge of the others.

He tastes just the same. Just like I remember. But better, oh so much better.

I groan around his tongue as it probes my mouth and don't even worry about my complete lack of control. My arms lock around his neck as his fingers tangle in my hair.

Edward's moans fuel the flames in my belly. I push my hips more firmly into him, gasping at the familiar hardness I encounter. Edward makes a similar noise before kissing me with even more urgency.

Our mouths remain fused together, lips moving, tongues probing, teeth nipping, as I lose all sense and rip his shirt from his body. I don't have patience for something as trivial as buttons with this need raging in me.

God, he feels so good. This feels so good. In a hundred years I haven't felt this good.

Edward growls into my mouth as I shredded his shirt. With vampire speed I attempt to touch all of his exposed skin at once. Lips never leaving his, I run my palms over his chest, pausing to flick his nipples with my thumbs. My nails dig into his rippled stomach as I roll my hips against him.

Edward follows my lead, mangling my sweater in his desperation to get it off me. Neither of us seems willing to stop kissing now that we've started. It's like I'm scared that if my lips leave his for even one little second I'll remember all the reasons I should not be doing this.

Kissing him is the only way to keep Alice and her stupid logical advice out of my head.

He touches me like I touch him, like he wants to absorb as much as possible before it's gone.

Before we get separated for another hundred years.

Not that I'd let that happen again.

His fingertips leave a trail of fire in their wake as he presses them into my skin. The way he squeezes me through my black lace bra is so achingly the same. His body remembers mine as heat crackles between us.

And it's just the same. No one knows my body like Edward. A century of separation combined with the extra vampire senses makes this so much more intense. So intense that I can't manage to focus on anything else. It's so scary because usually I am so focused on everything.

Edward dominates all my senses.

I feel both more vampire and more human at the same time. He just makes me feel more everything.

"Bed," I murmur against his mouth.

In a flash we're across the room and Edward is holding me against a nearby wall. My fingers weave through Edward's hair, holding his mouth to mine, as his hands drop to my belt. He pulls it through the loops in one swift motion, jerking me closer to his body. I hear the metal buckle clang on hardwood floors.

Edward's fingers fumble for a moment with the fly of my jeans. He growls in frustration and a laugh gets caught in my throat.

Another millisecond and we're farther down the hall. I find myself pressed into another wall. Edward leaves my mouth for a quick moment, dropping to his knees in front of me and yanking my jeans down my legs. He completely gives up with the zipper and the seams of my jeans come apart.

He doesn't even give me the opportunity to step out of my ruined pants as he lifts me off my feet and into his arms before he's even fully upright. Again, I find myself pressed so firmly into the wall it begins to crack.

Edward pulls back slightly before he destroys our very first home, his mouth once again finding mine. I melt in relief. The one point three seconds Edward was not kissing me felt unbearably painful.

That's new, the pain part. There is an edge here that wasn't here before, a keen awareness of just what exactly we've missed out on over the last lonely century.

But it's worth it. This hurts so good.

I writhe against him, frustrated that he still wears pants.

It seems like we are once again in real danger of demolishing this hallway wall. This time when Edward moves up with vampiric speed, I find myself lying flat on my back under my husband, his hips pinning mine against our bed for the first time in almost a hundred years.

We both freeze, seeming to understand the significance of this moment at the same time. We stare at each other with such intensity, our chests heaving with our similarly labored breaths.

My body wants so badly to move, to arch off the bed and demand that he makes me soar, that he gives me what I've been without for so long.

Him. It's always been. Every part of him.

But Alice, my stupid, logical, future-seeing sister seems to be screaming in my head. This is probably rushing. We've only been in Chicago for a week and there is so much he doesn't know.

He can't make a decision like this, to really be with me again, when there is so much he doesn't know.

Edward's beautiful, awe stricken face shifts into a scowl, and I know he can see my intentions written all over my face.

"Don't even say it," he says with a low hiss.

"But, Edward—"

"No." His voice is a harsh whisper, demanding obedience. "I'm not going to let you talk either of us out of this."

He is so earnest and I want this with every fiber of my long dead body. I have a very hard time forcing myself to speak.

"There are things you don't know," I whisper, unable to meet his eyes. I don't have the energy to push his body off mine. He feels so unbearably good. "Things that might make you change your mind about this."

He scoffs. Scoffs! I'm talking about my worst fear and he scoffs at me.

"Bella," he says my name a reverent whisper as he bends his head to my ear. His breath tickles my skin and I shiver, making my body move against his in endlessly pleasurable ways. I hear Edward's breath hitch in his chest. "Stop thinking. There is absolutely nothing that could change my mind about being with you. We are connected forever, you know. We have a daughter, a history. You've given me everything."

I whimper because it's too good to be true. It's so good that I'm terrified.

"Please," he says, lips hovering so close to mine I can feel the heat bouncing between us. Logically, I know we don't make body heat. It's hard to remember such inconsequential facts in this moment. "Please," he repeats, thumbs stroking my cheeks. My feet settle on the back of his calves, and I squeeze him slightly with my thighs. "We need to be connected this way too."

And I give in. Was there ever really any doubt? How could I possibly refuse him, after a night like this?

My hands trail down the sculpted planes of his back as I crane my neck off the bed, kissing him again. We've slowed way down. Each moment is drawn out into waves of excruciating pleasure.

The speed and strength of our movements a few moments ago were wonderful and so very much the vampire side.

This feels more human, feels more like our first time. I remember it so well, and it happened right here in this room. And I feel like he remembers too. He has to. I can feel it in every touch.

We kiss languidly. Our hands run over skin in a gentle exploration that steadily builds in urgency. Nothing is rushed. We have all the time in the world, and for the first time since his miraculous return, I really let myself believe it.

I'm the first one to get impatient, of course. This fire that he has steadily been stoking in me since I found him in Alaska is threatening to consume me. Never have I felt such need.

I run a hand down the length of his body, easily flicking open the button on his jeans. He doesn't have many clothes so I avoid the ripping thing we were doing earlier.

I use my feet to push his pants down his legs. He pauses his fervent kisses long enough to kick off his jeans.

I very nearly pass out when I realize that Edward, my Edward, is underwear less. He is without underwear. My Edward has been going around commando. We've just been trapped here, in very close proximity, and he has not been wearing underwear the entire time.

I close my eyes and freeze because I'm sure I'll pass out. It's not possible. I know it's not possible, but all this lust has strange things happening in my head.

"Bella?" He sounds so shy and unsure, just like the first time we did this. It hurts, but in the good way. The healing way.

"Yes?" I squeak out, also sounding like our first time.

"Um… is this okay?" he asks.

I just nod my head vigorously and let out a ridiculously juvenile giggle. It is obscenely unvampire of me.

Edward makes a bunch of stuttering sounds. I reach out to touch him, my fingertips resting against those lovely abdominals of his. It silences him immediately except for a sharp little intake of breath.

Something about that sound gives me the courage to open my eyes.

My unnecessary breath does funny things in my own chest when I see that look on his face.

He loves me.

It's painfully obvious. That look says it all, even if he hasn't quite figured it out yet. He watches me with such intensity and wonder. I watch him back as I let my fingertips drift lower and lower.

I hit soft curls and pause, giving him one more chance to stop us. Up until this point everything has been relatively innocent. Despite his nudity and my almost nudity, until right this very moment there has really only been kissing and touching.

I bit my lip, trying to determine what to do.

Edward groans softly, his eyes flickering closed.

He hasn't had sex in a century.

I wish I hadn't had sex in a century.

Refusing to think all those things I really should have told him before letting it get this far, I touch him. It's tentative at first as I marvel at how something can be so soft and so hard all at once.

Edward's eyes go wide. I smile a little smile.

I wrap my hand around him and we lose all and any notion of tentative and slow.

Again, a bit like our first time.

We attack each other, all hands and mouths and bodies pushing together. I flip over, straddling his waist and grinding down onto him as he rips my bra from my body. His hands find my chest, kneading me in a way that has little mewling noises escaping my throat. I lean into his touch as his back comes off the bed, enabling him to kiss me more insistently.

I wrap myself more firmly around his body, all four of my limbs tightening.

We move together, touching each other, in a way that makes the room fill up with our sighs and moans and pants. Occasionally a name slips out and gets lost in harsh breathing.

I am once again on my back, only this time I'm completely naked. I'm not totally sure when my little black panties disappeared, but it doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

Not the fact that my cell has been ringing almost incessantly for the last thirty minutes. Not Alice, who is probably on the other end, trying to remind me of her stupid logic. Not everything he doesn't know yet.

Just Edward. Just this special love between us that is so resilient.

And then he's between my legs, filling me up. The sensation of being with him like this again is so overwhelming I instantly shatter, all the while wishing I could cry. Because as good as it feels it hurts too. I can't really explain it, but there is pleasure and pain. Both physical and emotional.

I open my eyes to see Edward's love look again. His eyes flicker closed as he lets out shuddering breaths, and I reach up to stroke his hair. A little furrow appears between his brows and I recognize that he needs a moment that he's trying to adjust and comprehend.

But I need him to move, move, _move_.

"Edward." It's a pathetic little plea that I had no intention of releasing. I want to give him any thing he needs, even a moment to get used to being inside me again.

But I'm needy too, it turns out.

One long deep stroke from Edward, accompanied by a rumbling groan. An extremely wanton moan from me. I feel him everywhere.

I tilt my hips and demand more.

He gives me what I desire and together we build into a rhythm that is achingly familiar and shockingly new all at once. We were so good at this, right from the beginning, even not having any idea what it could be like.

We've only improved with age.

I grip his hips, my nails digging into his hard skin. He touches me absolutely everywhere. I bite his lip. He groans into my mouth.

We're in balance, with each other and with our humanity.

And it's perfect. In this moment, we're perfect.

"I love you," I tell him as my every muscle tightens and my limbs shake. Edward lets out a sound that is part sob and part relief. His pace gets even more frantic and I arch up off the bed. "I love you," I tell him again.

I'm going to keep telling him until he believes me, until he really understands what that means.

He grips the headboard and I hear it crack. I reach up and pull him back towards me, both wanting his hands on me and protecting our old piece of furniture. His arm comes around my body, pulling me closer.

Edward touches me where we're connected and I'm done for. It's almost too much, all these things he makes me feel. It's too human. It's too big. But I fight my instinct to pull back, to protect myself, and lean into the feelings instead.

Edward collapses on top of me, burying his face in my hair. His whole frame shakes. I try to hold him, but I'm shaking too. I try to kiss his temple, but it's more like I just press my lips into his skin. I just don't have control of my body in this moment.

I feel cleansed, like someone took a power washer to my insides. It stings, but I've come out on the other side feeling more like myself than I have in a hundred years.

I might be giving him a past, an identity, but he's giving it right back. I feel like a long ago forgotten, far happier and superior version of the cold, hard vampire I've become.

With him I'm Bella. Just Bella.

And I'm not scared anymore. There is nothing I am more certain of than Edward and I.

It takes us both twenty-nine minutes and thirty-six seconds to stop shaking. He rolls off me then, lying sideways and facing me. I mimic his position, getting a good look at his face.

Edward is stunned, scared, and so in love with me.

Suddenly I can't stop smiling. My beaming grin is wide, stretching from ear to ear. I have no control over it, especially when Edward gives me a shy, secret smile. We don't touch. A measly inch or so separates us and we just lay there, grinning at each other like it's our first time all over again.

And in a lot of ways it was.

My happiness seems to spread through my body in a way that almost reminds me of the transformation, but this doesn't hurt. Not anymore. It warms me up, makes me feel alive.

I hide my giggle in my pillow, pushing my face in to the feathery goodness, but keeping my eyes on Edward all the while. After years of being without him how am I ever going to stop looking at him?

How am I ever going to stop making love to him?

It seriously might turn into a problem. How are we going to get anything done? We have a daughter to take care of.

That just makes my smile grow even more.

"I remember," he murmurs, intently gauging my reaction.

It takes me a full four seconds for his words to sink in to my love-saturated mind. When I understand them I bolt upright, not at all conscious of my nudity. Although I do take a moment to appreciate the way Edward watches me appreciatively.

"You what?" I demand, needing every single detail. I turn to the side to get a better look at him, folding my legs underneath me. "Really? You remember?"

For the hundredth time in the last few weeks I berate myself for not experimenting with that gift commandeering thing Carlisle is so sure I'm capable of. I want to read his stupid mind for once.

"Well, no," he confesses, frowning slightly at me. "I don't exactly remember."

"Oh," I reply, shoulders slumping in disappointment.

"It's difficult to explain," he says, tugging on my hand until I close that measly inch of space between us. I lean into his side, resting a hand on his chest, and he throws an arm around my waist. "I told you about remembering a feeling."

I nod at him to go on.

"We've definitely done that before," he says with his crooked grin.

I throw my head back and laugh. He joins me, tugging on my elbow until I fall forward. I quite like where I land, all sprawled out on his chest. With my chin on my folded hands, I smile up at him.

"It was familiar and new all at once," I murmur. Shy is not something I've done often as a vampire. It's an odd thing to get used too.

"Yes," he agrees, pushing my hair back off my face. "It was perfect, Bella. You, my love, are amazing."

"Ditto," I manage, biting my lip. I didn't know this much happiness was possible for a vampire.

"Even if I never really get all these memories back for myself, I do remember you, Bella," he says with such urgency. I feel like my dead heart expands in my chest. "I do. I remember your eyes, of course, and the way you make me feel. And _that_… well, _that_ I certainly remember. I have this image of you blushing up at me, staring at me with those endlessly deep eyes of yours, with this look on your face."

Holy crap, listen to him. This is one of the best nights of my existence. Definitely top five.

"That was my I love you look," I whisper, smiling softly. "That look, it means I love you."

I'm giving it to him now. I wonder if he's noticed.

"Bella, I—"He gets panicky and I cover his mouth before he can pop the bubble with his words. I know what he's going to say. He thinks he is incapable of love. The memory of that conversation breaks my heart.

"You're doing so well, Edward. We're right here, together. That's not going to change."

He nods and calms slightly.

"What else to you remember?" I ask.

"You were warm," he says, running his thumb over my cheekbone. "Your edges were softer, rounder. You were alive. I had you alive."

It's about to get melancholy. My phone vibrates in the kitchen. I know its Alice, calling to ruin my night with her stupid glimpse of the future. With a gift like that you'd think that she'd know well in advance that I have no intention of answering.

Not tonight.

"You had me human," I agree. "You have me every way imaginable. And there are positives to this whole living dead thing we've got going on."

My hand runs down his torso, palming him. He raises an eyebrow at me and I smirk right back.

"There are definite good parts," he murmurs.

"We could do this forever if we wanted," I say, throwing a leg over his waist. I bend to his body and whisper in his ear. "We'd just go on and on and on like this."

Edward's hips come off the bed, his hands running up my thighs.

"It seems a bit impractical," he replies with a groan.

I simply hum in response.

"We'll just have to start with tonight," he says.

* * *

"I want to meet her," he murmurs. My cheek rests against his shoulder. Our naked frames are pressed together and he rhythmically runs his hands through my hair.

"You will. Soon. There's no more reason to stay in Chicago. You've seen all there is to see in this place." I gesture to the four walls of our bedroom with their faded wall paper.

"I'm glad you kept it," he says, giving me a good squeeze. I snuggle more firmly into his side.

"Me too."

"What's she like?"

I smile, pressing my lips into his skin. Edward looks down at me with wide eyes. He looks so sad. He has to ask about his own daughter, and that is sad. He's allowed to be sad.

But I can't help but focus on the good parts. The fact that we are right here is a miracle.

"She's amazing, Edward," I gush, beaming at him. "She's so special. It amazes me, how alive she is. Really alive. And so positive. People are drawn to her, humans, vampires, werewolves."

"Werewolves?"

Crap. He doesn't know about Jake. I'm going to have to fill him in before we make it back to Forks. That's not going to be pleasant.

"Later," I say, dismissively. Right now it's about our daughter. "She laughs a lot. She is interested in everything. And she's so very beautiful. It's like she preserves a lot of our best human parts. She's smart like you and stubborn like me. Vanessa, our daughter, is the one thing we did right. Absolutely right."

Edward smiles.

"I don't know how," he says, sounding miserable. I can anticipate his words. It was only a few days ago that he confessed that he didn't know how to love anyone. "I don't know how to be anything to anyone."

I sigh, wishing this were easier somehow.

"Have faith, Edward," I murmur. "You'll get there. All you have to do is get to know her. Can you handle that?"

"Yes." There is no hesitation.

* * *

"Alice," I say in greeting as I smile softly. Even as I answer my phone my eyes never leave Edward at the piano. It will never stop amazing me, the little things that my husband brought with him into death.

After spending half the day in bed, we emerged to feed ourselves. Edward somehow found his way into the music room and there are no complaints from me. I love lounging around in my underwear, watching him play. Again, it feels like the last century didn't happen.

But it's time. There is really no way I can keep ignoring my sister.

"Where the hell have you been?" she snaps. Her tone is in such opposition to my languid, joyful mood, it takes me a moment to understand that she's mad.

"What—"

"Never mind," she continues, interrupting me. "I know exactly where you've been and who you've been doing. I am psychic after all"

Edward's fingers slowly stop their playing as he listens in on my conversation. He turns on the bench and looks at me with concern. My eyes go wide with panic.

"Are you angry with me?" I ask, still not understanding. "Should I not have done that with Edward?"

Now he just looks embarrassed and pissed as he rises from the piano bench to sit near me on the love seat. I take his hand and smile apologetically. It is incredibly difficult to keep secrets from Alice. I've been trying for the last fifty years.

Alice sighs heavily, taking four deep breaths before she continues. "I am all for what you've done with Edward. I' m thrilled for the two of you. I guess even you deserve a moment of irresponsibility."

"It was irresponsible?" I ask terrified by whatever future Alice has seen.

"No, not that," she says, obviously frustrated. "Not answering when I called you twelve times. That's the irresponsible part."

"Well, I'm answering now."

"Okay Bella. Don't freak out," she says. Her words obviously have the immediate effect of making me freak out.

'What happened? Where's Ness? Put her on the phone right now!" I shriek. Edward's grip on my hand tightens. I've lost all feelings of happiness and wonder Edward gave me earlier today and am now on high alert.

"Ness is fine. She's sleeping. It's been a long day," Alice assures me.

"What happened?" I ask with a menacing hiss. "She's only been home from camp for two days. What could have possibly happened with her entire family plus a pack of wolves looking after her?"

Edward looks at me, confused by that one no doubt.

"Bella, don't be mad. Nessie will be fine."

"Will be?" I growl, rising from my seat to pace around the living room. I can feel Edward's eyes following my movements. He's as tense as me.

"She broke her leg."

"She what? How is it possible that she breaks her leg _after_ getting home from snowboarding camp?"

I know I'm fully freaking out here, but I already feel so guilty for being away from my daughter for the last few days. Somehow irrationally, it's like if I was there this wouldn't have happened.

And I was too distracted to even answer my phone.

What the hell was I thinking, ignoring my phone like that? No one in my family would call that incessantly for anything other than my daughter. I am a giant moron and a horrible mother.

"Well… Bella, please don't overreact."

"I never overreact when it concerns Vanessa." The harshness of my tone might be an overreaction. Logically, I know that a broken leg for Vanessa really isn't too bad. Carlisle took care of it I'm sure, and there is enough vampire in her to ensure she'll heal quickly.

Still, I wasn't there.

"How?" I demand.

"Well… She asked Jake about how the two of you met and it piqued her interest."

I glance at Edward, but quickly look away.

"What exactly did Jake say?"

"He skimmed over the bits where he was pathetically in love with you." I wince. Edward growls. "He called it a crush, I believe. The thing she was really curious about was the cliff diving."

I sink back into my seat by Edward, letting out a low groan.

"I'm going to kill him," I mutter. "I'm going to take his head right off."

Alice sighs, having heard this statement from me countless times over the years when it comes to Jacob

"We all know how relentless your daughter can be when she wants something. It's hard for Jake to say no. The rest of us didn't even know until he carried her home. She was very brave, Bella. She didn't even cry," Alice says.

"I'm going to kill him."

Alice just sighs again.

"Are you coming home?" Alice says.

"Of course," I reply.

"Will you bring Edward, now that he knows?"

I glance at my husband. He nods tersely.

"Yes," I reply.

"I'll let Ness know you're on your way when she wakes up. You won't be able to get a flight until the morning. I recommend you hunt. Edward isn't used to being in an enclosed space with so many humans for long."

"Okay."

"See you soon, sister. Love you."

I hang up without saying goodbye. I'm too pissed for pleasantries. Mostly my anger is at myself, but I fully intend to take it out on Mr. Jacob Black when I get my hands around his throat.

"Bella," Edward asks, rubbing my back. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I reply, sounding not very okay. "I just hate that I wasn't there to stop that idiocy. I hate that I wasn't there when she got hurt."

"She's really okay?" Edward asks. His obvious concern calms me greatly. I smile softly at him and stroke his cheek.

"She'll be fine. She's broken a few bones in the last ninety-five years. But I've always been there."

He looks away, but the move is not quick enough to keep me from seeing the look of pain on his face.

"You would have been there too, Edward," I say, understanding what has him upset. "If you had any idea about any of this, you would have been there. For both of us."

He pulls me into his arms and nods against my neck as I stroke his hair.

"Are you ready for this?" I ask.

"No," he says with a nervous chuckle. He breaks away, running his hands through his hair as he looks down at me. "But it's already been far too long. I don't want to go any longer without knowing her."

"Okay," I reply, taking a shaky breath. "Well, let's book some tickets."

"We're not running?"

"No, flying will be quicker.

"Then flying it is."

* * *

"So I'll be seeing your whole family again," Edward muses as we slowly make our way towards O'Hare from the woods. If I'd answered my damn phone when Alice called we probably would have made a flight tonight, but I can't bring myself to regret being with Edward again.

I can't even think about it without smiling. Or wanting to do it again.

Edward really did need to eat. I can tell he is nervous about being on a plane, not something he's ever done before.

"Yes, that you will," I say with a frown. Although I need to be with Ness right now, the fact that my alone time with Edward is over.

For now.

"What do they know, about me? When they met me in Denali they had no idea."

"They know who you are now," I tell him. "When you left… well, let's just say I didn't react too well and it raised all sorts of questions. I didn't give them any details, but they know you're my husband."

His eyes go wide in shock.

"Or, were my husband," I quickly correct. The pain's back. I thought after what happened between us we were passed this. Guess not. He is obviously not comfortable with that sort of title when it comes to our relationship. I can't really blame him, but it stings anyway.

Edward nods. Things get awkward. I'm thankful when Edward breaks the silence.

"So I'll meet the man who turned you," Edward says as we continue to walk. "Knowing the whole story this time."

"Indeed you will. He was quite the mentor to you, back in the day."

Edward growls low in this throat.

"What?" I ask.

"It's just… strange. The way he just turned you while you were pregnant. I'm weirdly thankful and pissed about it at the same time," he confesses.

"Yup, I hear you. It was like that for a long time with me. It's hard to be too angry at him when what he did gave Ness a shot at life."

Edward tentatively takes my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine. This makes me feel much better given how he reacted to me calling him my husband.

"And gave us a second chance," he murmurs, making me glow with happiness.

We don't say anything for a moment. We just enjoy the knowledge that we are both right here. Together.

"Still, Carlisle got lucky things worked out the way they did," Edward continues. His thumb strokes my knuckles and I find it difficult to focus on his words. "What would he have done if your body really did freeze like that? You would've ended up eternally pregnant!"

I laugh because he's so incensed.

"I asked him that not long after my transformation," I reply. "He said he didn't know."

"Didn't know?"

"He didn't even think about the possibility of me ending up like that."

"Well, that seems horribly irresponsible."

"Yeah," I say with a chuckle. "Not like Carlisle at all. He still doesn't really understand why he did it. Now that you've reappeared in our lives he thinks that there were greater forces at work."

"What do you mean?"

"He says it's too big of a coincidence. It wasn't by accident, both of us turning. He says something bigger wants us together."

I expect Edward to laugh or dismiss my words, but instead he just looks thoughtful.

"It sure doesn't feel like a coincidence," he agrees. "Although I do wish these powers that be would have figured out how to reunite us sooner."

And to that I cannot help but agree.

"So who exactly is this Jake individual that you are planning to kill?"

I get mad all over again and squeeze Edward's hand so hard he winces.

"Fucking Jacob Black," I let out with a growl.

"Who is he? Alice mentioned that he was in love with you." His question is overly casual. I smile because he's adorable, even when he has absolutely nothing to worry about.

Well, except the whole imprinting thing. It took me almost twenty years to get over the urge to kill him every time he showed his face. How Edward will manage I have no idea.

"Yeah," I reply. We stop at the edge of the wooded area. I look out to the highway beyond and get my bearings. "That was creepy."

"Creepy?"

"It's kind of a long story."

"Well, we have hours before our flight and no one is around. Why don't you show me?" he suggests.

"Edward!" I say, totally shocked. "Are you seriously suggesting I show you something? I thought you hated me doing it."

"The last couple times have been better, haven't they? Your head didn't hurt so much, right?"

"Right."

"So, fill me in on this Jacob character."

With a final glance around to double this deserted patch of forest, I pull him to the ground and sit facing him, my hands on his arms. He has to know before we get to Forks.

Here we go.

* * *

**Aren't they just the cutest? The next chapter is going to be the last flashback for awhile here and then, back to Forks!**

**Have a lovely day. See you soon.  
**


	12. Mr Jacob Black

**So everyone has been so incredibly lovely in regards to the last few chapters. I'm still so nervous about writing the story, but you are all making my first vampire experience to be my very best yet. You make me feel proud of this sucker.**

**Thanks a lot. I love you.  
**

**For some weird reason I really like this chapter, despite it's lack of Edward. Your thoughts are always and eternally appreciated.  
**

**I don't own anything.  
**

**Betaed by dowlingnana. I love her too.  
**

* * *

Forks is beautiful. The juxtaposition of mountain and sea touches that place my soul used to be. Although I know it's impossible, I never want to leave. We move constantly, hiding the fact that my daughter ages seven times slower than your average human.

Also it's because of the fact that the rest of us don't age at all.

Ten years after my unbirth and this is the first place to call to me. I love the green, even if the color is a painful reminder of the man that constantly lingers in my thoughts.

Esme had questions when we told her my story. I find it too painful to even think his name, let alone explain to our newest family member. I'm very fond of the woman Carlisle turned after she hurled herself off a cliff, but those details will remain private.

Although I like the latest addition very much the change in our group dynamics are driving me up a wall. After mostly getting over his well-deserved guilt at robbing me of an afterlife, I found Carlisle to be warm and so blessedly sturdy. The three of us, Carlisle, Vanessa, and I, often pose as a family to fit into the human world, and we are relaxed enough around each other to make it believable. Esme is now cast in the roll of my sister to the small population of Forks Washington, something that is proving quite awkward.

They are both hopelessly in love with each other and unwilling to take the risk. The way they shuffle around one another, formally polite, is highly vexing. Carlisle lost whatever limited flirtation skills he may have once processed after decades alone, and Esme's love life tragically ended when she decided to take her own life to escape her abusive husband and the miscarriage his torment caused.

We have all the time in the world for them to admit their feelings, but I might snap at any moment hanging around the pair of them.

My irritable mood leads me to the edge of my very own cliff. It took me months to trust Esme alone with my seemingly eighteen-month-old daughter (developmental speaking, anyway), but now I seize the opportunity for alone time at least once a week.

I watch the white capped waves crash rhythmically on the jagged rocks below and I feel a tiny prickle of anticipation, a tiny remnant of what it feels like to really be alive. After studying the far off horizon that separates the grey sea from the grey sky, I make a running jump.

The sound of my laughter gets lost in the rushing wind as I free fall. My entry is a smooth swan dive. Once submerged, I swim deeper, letting the strong current tug my body wherever it wants me.

I close my eyes and float in the rough ocean, enjoying the feeling of weightlessness. I'll relax down here until the sensation of not breathing becomes irksome.

My peace is abruptly disturbed when I feel a tug on my elbow. Although I thought I heard something strange, I dismissed the nearby heartbeat. I am too late to pay attention. The grip is weak and laughably human, but enough to pull me slightly towards the surface. My first reaction is to violently jerk away from whatever has me. I open my eyes to see the figure of a shirtless, dark-skinned man, blinded by his own swirling mass of long black hair. In my shock he manages to get a hold of my arm again. Before I give in to my urge to smack him away I remember that I'm supposed to be a human woman, and I let him pull me to the surface.

I put on a good show of sputtering and grasping when we get to the surface, just to entertain myself. Holding me with his arms under my armpits, I listen to his labored breathing as we make annoyingly slow progress towards the shore.

His heart beats succulent blood through his warm, wet system. I enjoy the bouquet without sampling the wine. He sure did pick the right vampire to play hero on, the lucky son of a bitch.

We stagger on to shore and he collapses in the sand. I stare at him for a moment before remembering that I supposedly just almost drown. I dramatically do the same, pretending to be winded and exhausted like a proper almost drowning victim.

Hiding my impatience, I wait for him to catch his breath before we have a little conversation so I can go home and change out of these wet clothes.

Thank God I decided to jump dressed this time.

Mostly dressed.

After a while I sit up and brush my fingers through my long loose hair, trying to tame it somewhat. A few more deep breaths and his heart rate slows enough for him to prop himself up on his elbows.

I feel him stare at me for long moments before I'm compelled to give him a good look.

Dark skin over hard muscle. His elbows stick out somewhat awkwardly, making me think he hasn't quite grown into his long frame yet. Judging by his skin color and waist length black hair that sticks in thick strains to his wet arms, I figure he lives on the nearby Indian reservation.

Perhaps he's just returned from one of those horrendous boarding schools the government ships the children off too all in the name of progress and Americanizing. The person I once was might have cared about atrocities like that. The vampire I am now cares only for Vanessa.

And Carlisle. And Esme. To a much smaller degree.

"Are you alright?" he asks. His eyes linger on the wet fabric of my dress that clings to my chest, but I don't find it in me to be offended. He does think he did just save my life, after all. "I thought you were dead for sure by the time I reached you. And you didn't need mouth to mouth or nothin'."

I raise an eyebrow at that. Like I would have allowed his mouth to be anywhere near my mouth. It does not help that he sounds vaguely disappointed that I didn't need to be resuscitated through his lips.

"I'm quite alright," I reply, sounding haughty and pretentious even to my own ears.

He looks at me hopefully to continue. I'm not sure what he wants me to say.

"Thanks ever so," I continue when I finally figure out the appropriate words for this situation.

"You jumped on purpose," he says, his cheeks turning slightly red. I remember my own human blush and smile slightly. "Didn't you?"

"Of course I did," I reply before thinking it though. I do everything on purpose, but a human woman probably would take that dive with one goal in mind. "I do it all the time," I push on before we can get into some horrifying conversation about suicide. I think of Esme and contain my wince.

"Why?" he demands, mouth agog.

"For sport," I explain, elegantly rising to my feet and brushing the sand off my neat trousers. It's useless being as I'm still soaked. "It's thrilling, but I would recommend starting from the lower cliffs if you want to give it a shot."

He scrambles to his feet, looking utterly mystified. "I know. We do it all the time. It's kinda a rite of passage round here. Becoming a man and all that."

I nod like I know anything or care anything about becoming a man.

"Well, thank you for your help," I say, putting distance between us. I hate how he, like everyone else in the world, looms over me. "It was a little rough today. I'll be sure to be more careful next time."

"Are you messin' with me?" he demands, following me as I march in the general direction of my home. It's miles away, but shouldn't take me more than five minutes if my running is lazy. "You almost died! It's a miracle I found you in time. A miracle!"

"Right, I won't do it again. You have my word." This seems like a good thing to say to get him to leave me alone. My wet, salty hair feels awful against my skin, so I quickly separate it into three sections and braid it, letting the long pleat fall over my left shoulder.

When I notice Jacob's gaping I realize that I probably did that with a bit too much speed and precision. He shakes his head before continuing on.

"Have your word?" he asks, matching my quick pace towards the forest. "How can you give me that when I don't even know your name?"

"Bella," I reply, throwing my words at him in the same way I would swat a fly.

"Bella?" he asks, obviously surprised that I'm acting so casual.

"Cullen," I continue with a barely contained sigh. "Isabella Cullen."

"I'm Jacob Black," he says, scurrying around to face me and extending his hand. With a scowl I take it, squeezing harder than I should.

"Nice to meet you," I say with absolutely no feeling what so ever.

"Damn, you're strong," he replies.

I raise an eyebrow. It's not often I get talked to like that. It's not often I get talked to by humans at all, with the exception of when I'm forced into town to get Vanessa something to eat. I find cooking human food to be repugnant, but Esme enjoys it. One of the few things she really remembers from being human, she says.

"Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I really must be going." I walk fast, slightly faster than I should, given my present company.

"Wait!" He sounds so desperate and oddly scared that I actually comply with his command. Closing my eyes and calming the urge to eat him, I slowly turn around.

"Yes, Mr. Black?"

"You ain't gonna tell anyone, are you?" he asks. I tilt my head to the side and study him, not understanding his worry. It was my understanding that men enjoy telling the world of their heroics. Why would he want to keep it a secret?

"I hadn't thought on it," I reply. "Why?"

"Well… a lot of people in town, your kinda people, they might not like it. They might not understand. Take things the wrong way," he says, suddenly fascinated by his own feet. "Your husband's the new doctor, right? He wouldn't like it."

It is around this time that I realize that he is still without a shirt and shoes, that my top is just shy of see through, and that we are totally and completely alone.

An Indian and what would appear to be a white woman.

And then I understand. The human I once was would feel this injustice acutely. The prickle I feel is the result of what lingers. The vampire I am now dismisses it quickly. I care not of the ridiculous racial hierarchies of power hungry people, nor those oppressed by them.

"I assure you, they are not my kind of people," I say, being kind now for no apparent reason. "And my husband would be nothing but thankful to you."

This isn't a lie, but I don't mean what Jacob Black surely thinks I mean.

If the image of all this wasn't false, if I was a real woman who foolishly jumped off a cliff for the thrill of it, then my real husband would be nothing but thankful that this boy on the brink of manhood saved me from the waves.

But my husband is long gone and I don't need saving.

Jacob Black nods, but doesn't say anything.

"Goodbye, Mr. Black. Thank you again."

"Do you know your way?" he asks, eyeing the wood skeptically.

"I've walked it often enough."

"Really? All the way down here to our land?"

"Your land?" I ask.

"You're on the reservation, ma'am," he explains. "La Push."

I nod at him before turning to leave. He lets me melt into the forest, and I don't give him another thought.

* * *

"Is this going to become habit with you, Mr. Black?" I ask dryly. This is the fourth time in as many weeks that I've just happened upon the young Indian in the woods or on the beach.

Today, it's the cliff.

"There ain't no habit here," he insists, sounding far too innocent. "We just keep running into each other is all."

I stare at him, making it clear that I am not purchasing what he has for sale before joining him at the ledge. Today, anticipating his stalker like ways, I wore an actual bathing suit with an appropriate cover up. That's what a real woman would do.

If a real woman had a habit of jumping off fifty foot cliffs into a raging sea.

"You gave me your word," he says, frowning as he takes in my attire. "But I thought you might come back here. We Indians learned a long time ago not to trust the white man's word."

I crack a slight smile because his combination of cynicism and cheerfulness is appealing.

"It's too rough today," he says. "The current's too strong. You'll die."

I sigh, knowing I can't jump with the human loitering around. Surely I'll give away the game when I easily brave those deadly currents. I've given up on getting him to leave me alone.

"It's no fun if it's not deadly," I say to myself, pouting slightly.

Jacob Black chuckles. I'm surprised he's heard me.

"You're very strange for a white woman," he says. "You're very strange for any woman," he amends.

It is my turn to chuckle.

"Believe me when I say I know nothing of the ways of women," I tell him.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I just smile slightly before sitting at the edge of the cliff, letting my legs dangle.

"Ain't you cold?" he asks.

"No," I reply. Most of our conversations are like this, him with a thousand questions, me with one word answers.

"So I've heard them talking about you in town," he continues, totally undeterred by my lack of enthusiasm. "You're a mama."

At this I really do smile. My little Vanessa is the light of my life. We spent over a year in Amazonia, living with a group of mothers and children just like Vanessa and I. A rather sick vampire has been living there for decades, turning expectant mothers. The whole thing is disturbing but it gave us the answers we were seeking.

My daughter is indeed a hybrid. She's more durable than a human, but not as strong as a vampire. She can survive off blood or human food, and prefers a combination. She ages slowly, every seven years of her life equivalent to one of a human. Apparently she'll grow into immortality. It seems that most of the hybrids we met stopped aging at 120, somewhere around 17 in people years.

Not that I tell Jacob Black any of this.

"You really love your daughter. It's written all over your face. I think it's the only time I've ever seen you look real happy."

"You should see me when I jump off this cliff," I reply. He smiles at my silly joke.

"Do you like being a wife as much?"

My little follower certainly is getting bold. I guess telling him I know nothing of women is just asking for him to lose all sense of social boundaries.

"Once I did," I say, again telling the truth although he has no chance of understanding what I really mean.

"Not anymore?"

"The title of wife has become a convenience and nothing more." This is probably taking it too far. I realize that to Mr. Black I appear a woman dissatisfied in her marriage. Most of the time I forget our little cover story that casts me as Carlisle's young wife.

Jacob Black, seeing my face, changes the subject to his own family. I listen with half an ear as he talks about his father and two older sisters. His mother died when he was young. I struggle to hold on to an image of my own mother.

Mostly I watch the dark wave's crash.

Tonight, when Jacob Black is tucked safely in his bed, I'll make the dive.

* * *

Jacob and I strike up a strange sort of friendship. At least that's what he calls it, a friendship. To Carlisle and Esme I describe it more like being followed around like an over enthusiastic puppy. Still, he is something to pass the time that isn't all too unpleasant. Sometimes he can even border on entertaining. I don't talk much, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Several months like this pass. He always finds me during my weekly alone time. I'm not overly fond of leaving my daughter, but she's not quite old enough to jump off fifty-foot cliffs and scramble up trees yet.

Today, he finds me up a tree. How he spotted me is something of a mystery, but I would have emerged anyway. I lost the urge to run away from him weeks ago.

"How the hell did you get up there, Bella?" He always uses my informal name while I rarely call him anything at all. When I do it's Mr. Black.

"I climbed," is my dry reply. He chuckles and attempts to scramble up after me.

I spend the next fifteen minutes watching him climb up the exceedingly tall tree. It is highly amusing, but he actually ends up much higher up the trunk than I expected.

"Well done," I tell him.

"You're ten feet higher," he says with a huff. "How'd yah do that?"

"It's a gift," I reply.

"What are you doing up there?"

"Relaxing."

"You are a very strange woman."

"Thank you."

"It's calm today," he says.

Without another word I hustle down the tree, slowing even more than I thought necessary when his eyes go wide at my skill. He follows at his slow, human pace. We walk in silence. It's odd for Jacob Black. On a typical day he talks incessantly, so much so it's almost soothing with its constancy.

Perhaps something is wrong. I don't care enough to ask.

We get to the cliff and I pull off my jacket and vest, adding the boots to the pile. Today I wore pants, much more practical for this sort of thing. Jacob watches me avidly, looking away in embarrassment when I catch him. It does not faze me. With immortality comes inhuman beauty. Humans just don't know what to make of us. The look of awe is common and uninteresting.

"Let's just jump together," he says as I join him on the ledge. He extends his hand towards me. I roll my eyes, taking giant steps backwards so I can take a running start.

I jump before Jacob even knows what I'm planning.

I smile a real genuine smile, the kind normally reserved for my daughter only, as the wind rushes in my ears. Doing slightly less graceful flips than I would without an audience, I straighten my body for the entry, the palms of my hands entering the water first.

I briefly consider going through my normal routine of letting the current pull me hither and nether, but again, the present company prevents me. I think he'd be rather suspicious if I failed to surface for a second time.

So instead I float on the surface, pointing my toes towards heaven and spreading my arms like Jesus on the cross. As I roll with each wave, I watch Jacob take the dive. He's obviously nowhere near as graceful as me, but he manages to do all right, avoiding the dreaded flop on the belly that is sure to sting like a fickle bitch.

Immediately he begins the strenuous-to-a-human swim towards shore. I sigh and begrudgingly follow, understanding that he fears the current throwing his body onto the sharp rocks nearby.

We stagger onto shore ten feet apart. Unlike the first time, I watch him collapse onto the dry sand. I stand above him, grinning at the rush.

Jumping like that, the free fall makes me feel almost as alive as I was with my husband, whose name I can't even manage to think without the pain ripping through me. I pretend to fall asleep by his side nightly, but his name is too painful to bear.

I don't bother to humanize myself with unnecessary breaths as I watch Jacob Black catch his. I just continue to smile softly, reveling in the memory of the rush.

He opens his eyes, smiling up at me. It is probably a version of the one I myself wear.

It's a nice moment. Until he opens his big mouth, that is.

"I love you."

I watch his lips form syllables I was once very comfortable hearing and saying. Everything is different now. The miraculous birth of my inhuman daughter taught me that there are many kinds of love, some much more potent than others. Nothing could compare to what I feel for Vanessa, or what I felt – and continue to feel- for her dearly departed father. Despite this, I understand that the great affection I feel for Carlisle is a simpler, less heartbreaking form of love. There is no romance there, but I never want to be without him. The same is becoming true for Esme.

Unfortunately, what I see etched in the faint lines of Jacob Black's face is the romantic kind. If it was anything but that, we could continue this way with our odd, dishonest on my part friendship.

But it isn't friendship. It isn't simply affection.

The human I once was would have felt sympathy for Jacob Black, would have attempted to soften the blow of rejection. The vampire I am now has little patience for such inane matters.

"Don't," I reply, without emotion. "A waste of your time. No good can come from loving me, I assure you."

"But, Bella, I do. I really do."

"That is most unfortunate for you," I tell him. In this moment I remember what it's like to feel discomfort, to feel pity, but I can't manage it now. "Your love won't be returned. Not ever."

My lack of emotion or shock or real reaction seems to enrage Mr. Black.

"I don't believe that!" he yells, sitting up in his anger and hurt. I look away, studying the forest. I failed to anticipate this. Allowing this odd relationship to continue was my entire fault. If I'd given it a bit more thought I would have recognized the signs.

Jacob Black is in puppy love with the human he thinks I am.

"You're not happy! You don't love your husband! I know it won't work here, things being the way they are, but we could run away. Head up to Canada, Things are different there. I could protect you. Take care of you."

His little speech is painfully heartfelt. I let out a small sigh, hating that I got myself into this ridiculous situation.

"It's a fools dream," I reply. "You know nothing of me. And I want nothing of you. You've crafted something in your head, something you think I am, and it's fiction. I love my daughter. I'm devoted to my husband, even if he's beyond my reach. You are the first human to garner the slightest bit of my attention in many years, but when it really comes down to it, I feel nothing for you. Jacob Black, you are a blip in the long, painful story of what passes for my life. Do not make the insane mistake of making me the focus of yours."

He stares at me for a long moment before standing and running off into the woods. I watch him go, feeling a momentary prickle of regret.

I was harsh. He should have learned long ago that life is like that too.

Harsh and cold.

* * *

A week passes and I see nothing of Mr. Black. I don't think on it, knowing that his disappearance is my doing. My brutal honesty was designed to stamp out any of that misplaced hope.

Two weeks pass, and I find it odd. Apparently I misjudged his devotion, thinking that perhaps we could form a friendship like the one we crafted in weeks before.

At three, I resign myself to the fact that Jacob Black is gone, a thing humans tend to do with great frequency. Heartbreak will do that to you, make you disappear. I don't blame him at all.

I have memories of all the ways the human heart can fracture and what that can do to a life. I may not be familiar with what such stark rejection feels like, but I know what it's like to be alone.

My cliff jumping occurs in peace during this time, but occasionally he pops into my head. It's brief and fleeting.

Unlife returns to a comfortable routine. My very limited alone time goes undisrupted, but I don't like it as much as I thought I would. Instead, I harden my resolve to enjoy our small amount of time as much as possible before my daughter's lack of ageing forces us to move on.

Today, we hunt as a family. By hunt I mean Carlisle and Esme track down supper while I sit in a tree with my daughter in my lap. She touches a damp leaf, frowning when her fingers get wet. She reaches out, her tiny palm finding my cheek.

Cold. She shows me that the leaf makes her fingers cold.

Her gift never fails to amaze me. Through touch she projects images of what she's feeling or other assorted memories, right into the head of who she touches. She overrides vision, leaving one no choice but to understand the wonder of experiencing what she encounters. It is truly awe inspiring, seeing the world through my child's eyes. Her memory is detailed but like a dream. Everything seems beautiful to her.

Even now, as she expresses displeasure at the sensation of getting her hand wet, the way she plays images into my head gives the appearance of a bright, warm glow.

I kiss her chubby little cheek and dry her fingers on my dress.

"Momma," she replies with a giggle, slapping her soft hands against the hard skin of my face. "Momma, Mom, Mommy."

"Yes, little love. I'm so lucky to be your mommy." I mean this with every fiber of my being. Without Nessie, I would have provoked the Volturi into ending my existence the moment Carlisle told me of the vampire elite.

"Bella!"

Carlisle's voice reaches my ear from half a mile to the west.

"Dinner is served, Vanessa," I say, pulling her into my arms and climbing down with one hand. When we get to the ground I situate her to the backpack-like device Carlisle invented that straps her firmly to my body. I feel her rest her chin against my shoulder, her preferred position because it allows her to see what I see. Her sweet breath tickles my neck, and I smile as I take off in the direction of the rest of our coven.

It takes next to no time at all.

Esme is a short distance away, hiding behind a tree. Blood, even something as mild as that of a deer, still makes her somewhat savage and ravenous. While Carlisle and I have no problem remaining firmly in control as we drink, the blood lust consumes Esme. She finds the whole thing very embarrassing.

Carlisle hands me a good sized female before going about the business of enjoying his own. I drink greedily for a moment, almost draining the beast before stopping. I take Vanessa off my back, setting her on the ground to finish. I would prefer her diet be strictly human, but my girl far prefers blood to any other meal. Still, she's become less picky as she grows, so I'm hopeful for her future.

If she wanted, my daughter could live fully in the human world.

"That didn't take long," I comment when Carlisle finishes.

"Esme is getting quite good," he replies, smiling in her direction with great affection. I roll my eye because he is painfully transparent.

"Is this enough for you?" I ask, gesturing to the one small deer carcass at his feet.

He just shrugs.

"I'll take Nessie back home," I say, irritated by his stupidity. "Perhaps you could continue hunting with Esme. Alone. Just you and Esme. Totally alone."

He just stands there blinking at me.

"Totally and completely by yourselves," I whisper so only he can hear.

His blinking turns into scowling. I scowl right back. We stand there, deer carcasses at our feet, scowling intently at each other. We are both so completely focused on this silent communication that the sudden appearance of Esme is much more startling that it should be.

"Do you smell that?" she asks, apparently not noticing our odd behavior.

"Smell what?" I reply, somewhat annoyed that I didn't finish this thing with Carlisle.

"It's foul," Carlisle says, turning to face the woman he obviously loves. "Something wet and pungent. Nothing like I've come across before."

I tilt my head to the south, hearing something faint and pounding in the distance. Breathing in deep, I catch the odd scent as well.

"Something is oddly familiar there," I say. It is extremely frustrating, this inability to place what I'm inhaling. "Completely horrible, but, oddly familiar."

"Not familiar," says Carlisle.

"Decidedly unfamiliar," says Esme.

I just sigh and close my eyes, wanting them to be together already.

"Heartbeats," Carlisle observes.

"Four feet," Esme puts in.

"Paws," I correct, recognizing the rhythm of the run. "Not hooves. Several four pawed animals. Wolves, I'd guess. Do these woods have wolves?"

"They sound awfully big for wolves," Carlisle comments.

"Should we run?" Esme says, glancing around in concern. "It could be dangerous."

I snort. Nothing is dangerous to a vampire.

But Vanessa isn't a vampire. With as much speed as I can manage, I swoop down and hold my daughter protectively to my chest.

"Running would trigger the predator," Carlisle says. "Make them hunt. I don't want to risk it with Nessie."

He looks at me and I nod my agreement, falling into position behind Carlisle. Esme flanks him, and we all listen intently, hoping that the beasts will veer in a different direction. Carlisle is probably insatiably curious, but he will always put Nessie's safety first.

Alas, they head right for us, bursting into the clearing some forty-three feet in front of us before coming to an abrupt stop.

Wolves. Really, outrageously giant wolves. Four of them, in two shades of grey, one black, and the largest loitering behind the others a deep russet.

I peek around Carlisle, as does my daughter. She is completely fixated on the creatures in the distance, letting out a happy chirping giggle and clapping her hands. I study her for a moment before turning back to the danger. It's not a reaction I've seen from her before, especially given the threat in our presence.

I hold Vanessa a little closer, hiding her in my jacket. I dare not scramble up a tree with her in the backpack.

"Oh dear," Carlisle says. "Perhaps running would have been the wise decision. Bella, the tree?"

I take large steps backward, eyes fixed on the wolves and crouching defensively, stopping when I feel the rough bark against my back. One move on the part of our adversaries and I can get my daughter to safety in a matter of moments.

The black one in front makes a move to attack but the russet one jumps in front, seeming to block the path, almost as if he's striving to protect us. It is the last thing I expected, making me pause before scurrying up the tree.

There's a series of growls and grunts as the wolves seem to communicate. A moment later, in a sudden burst of energy, the large wolf standing before me morphs into a very familiar man.

It takes a lot to surprise a vampire. The older ones have witnessed it all, experienced everything there is to experience. The look of shock on Carlisle's face is almost worth this stress.

Jacob Black stands between my little coven and the trio of giant wolves with snapping jaws and deathly gazes. He' is naked and panicking. I don't know what to make of him.

"Bella!" he calls, sounding painfully heartbroken. I feel that prickle of guilt, a feeling that somehow I've led him to this. It's more than I've felt for a human in a long time.

Except he is not human. Far from it, apparently.

"What are you doing? Please, no! Don't be this. Anything but this."

I hear the tears in his voice; smell the salt on his skin.

"You know what we are?" Carlisle asks, studying Jacob Black intently. "How?"

"I could smell that stench of death for miles, bloodsucker!" Jacob spits with so much hate I jump a little. The boy I got to know over the last few months is much different now. I wonder if his super human ability is a recent development.

It must be, if his horrid stench is any indication.

"Fascinating," mutters Carlisle. He looks like he's a step away from asking for a blood sample. Esme grabs his hand, probably fearing that he's about to march across the meadow and ask to run some tests.

"I told you I know nothing of human women, Mr. Black," I say, sounding so cheerless and so wary.

"But you've been this the whole time?" he wails.

"Yes," I reply, nodding sadly. Apparently the enhanced hearing of these wolf men stays with them in human form. Despite the distance there is no need to shout across the clearing to be heard. "Since 1917 to be exact."

He lets out a bemused cry. The wolves behind him scrape their paws in the dirt, thrashing their great heads from side to side. For now, the conversation and Jacob's insistence seems enough to keep them at bay.

"How? We've spent so much time together! Alone in the woods! Before I knew that all the stories, the legends, were truth, we spent hours alone. It would've been so goddamn easy for you," he continues, pacing slightly as he tries to understand.

"You were never in any danger," I assure him. Although it seems somewhat pointless now that he knows about us. Our fellow vampires have a hard time believing our lifestyle. I imagine it's difficult for Jacob, who obviously has hate for the vampire.

"And you!" Jacob shouts, pointing at Carlisle in a rather threatening matter. Esme takes a step closer to Carlisle, protectively. It makes me smile, even in this moment.  
"You're the damn doctor! You're supposed to be saving lives! Is it just some sort of sick cover?"

"No, no," I say. "He really does save lives. I know it seems unfathomable, but we don't hunt humans. We don't take human life. Look," I say, gesturing towards the deer carcasses: "Animal blood. Not so different from a wolf, is it?"

The pack growls at this. Jacob turns around, demanding they back off.

We explain several times before Jacob seems to grasp what I am saying. I point out our amber eyes and the fact that I never threatened him. Not once in all the hours we've spent alone.

"We kill your kind," Jacob says, shaking his head. "We're protectors of the tribe, defending them against the cold ones."

Cold one indeed. I find I like the term.

"We're no danger to your people," I insist. "On the reservation or otherwise. Has a single person gone missing since our arrival? I think not."

Vanessa, apparently bored to tears with the conversation, fusses in my arms. I cuddle her close and soothe her, pulling her higher up on my torso and into the wolves' line of vision for the first time.

Jacob gasps. The wolves behind him growl furiously.

"What are you doing with that baby?" Jacob screams, storming closer, as the trio of snapping and spitting wolves move with him.

"What?" I ask, completely offended by the implication. "She's my daughter, not an after dinner snack!"

Jacob pauses, staring hard at the little bundle in my arms. He sniffs the air. The wolves follow suit.

"What," Jacob whispers, terrified now. "What is this? What is she? What is she doing to me?"

He clutches his heart and falls to his knees. We all blink down at him, confused by this behavior. The wolves seem to do the same.

"It's complicated," I say, pushing back against the tree, still ready to flee. My climbing abilities far surpass Jacob's. This I know. "She's half human. If you really protect people then you cannot harm her."

Jacob groans, still clutching his heart. His gaze never leaves my daughter, making my anger flare. It is so intense. Nessie stares back, letting out a series of giggles.

The black wolf morphs into his human form. He is slightly larger than Jacob, slightly older. His dark hair is cropped closely to his head. With sure steps he reaches Jacob, placing a hand on the groaning man's shoulder.

"Jacob!" he shouts. "What is it?"

"Everything is different," Jacob whimpers. "The whole world moved. I'm… it's… Her," he says, pointing at Ness. I hiss and turn my body, hiding my daughter from view. Jacob scrambles to his feet, desperate to keep looking. This whole situation is really becoming extremely frightening.

"I strongly suggest you come no closer," Carlisle says, his voice more dangerous than I've ever heard before. Both naked men stop abruptly, understanding that crossing Carlisle in this moment would lead to carnage.

Esme adverts her eyes but I continue to glare at the man I once almost considered a friend. I'll snap his neck like it's nothing if he comes anywhere near my daughter.

"He's imprinted," the older man says, still restraining Jacob. "He's imprinted."

This explains nothing to my baffled family, but it causes the two remaining wolves to whimper and bend their heads, going from aggressive to submissive quickly. One lets out a mournful howl.

"I've what?" Jacob screeches. "No! She's a baby! She's part vampire! She smells strange. No I didn't. I won't. I couldn't have! I love her mother."

I roll my eyes at this.

"What does it mean?" I demand, not really caring how what Jacob feels in this moment. "Imprinting on my daughter? Explain this!"

They do as I say. When they are finished I wish they hadn't.

It's love. It's a connection. A bond that now makes Jacob's entire existence wrapped up in my daughter. The rest of his life will be spent devoted to Vanessa, loving her and protecting her. It is some strange wolfish mysticism that is life long and unbreakable.

According to the wolves, it really only gives Jacob no choice in the matter. Vanessa could easily not return his affections if she so chooses. Apparently, it is unheard of, someone rejecting that kind of single minded devotion.

Jacob's gaze never leaves my daughter, even as I admittedly reject this. I reject all of it. She's a baby, for god sakes. It's vile.

"My love isn't like that" Jacob insists. "It's not romantic. It's not sexual." Everyone winces at the thought. "She's my heart, Bella. She's my heart."

I reject that too. Without another word I flee into the woods, disappearing from this nightmare and protecting my daughter from a fate involving someone who smells so strongly of wet dog.

A wailing howl accompanies my retreat. It's tormented, and chills my undead bones.

I resolve never to lay eyes on Jacob Black or the rest of them ever again.

* * *

**In the books I always wanted Bella to just stomp out Jacob's hope and crush his, well, crush, but she never did! Not really. So writing this was fun. Still, I like the dude. Poor guy.**

**This really has nothing to do with anything, but my dog got trampled by a stupid fucking deer a couple days ago. I had to resist to urge to write a deer slaughter scene, and I've been a vegetarian since I was five. Protect your dogs, people! Bambi is an asshole.  
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**Thanks for reading!  
**


	13. Homecoming

**I have the best readers ever. You guys were damn insightful with the last one. I'm impressed and I love you.**

**Thanks as always for reading and to Donna for betaing.  
**

**I own nothing.  
**

**Here we go. Back to Forks and Nessie. You guys might hate me for the end of this one. I promise the next chapter is almost done and should be with Donna by tomorrow.  
**

* * *

"So that worked real well," Edward says with an alarming hiss. The sun will be up in an hour and I know we have to get to the airport before we get all sparkly. The knowledge has my shield springing back into place.

Still, I'm too fuzzy to know what Edward is upset about right away. I rub my temples and shake my head before addressing him.

"What worked well?" I ask.

"Your decision to never see Mr. Jacob Black again," he replies with a taunting edge.

Oh boy. Edward is mad. Really mad. Maybe I didn't handle this whole Jake thing very well.

"No, it really didn't," I agree.

"Why?" Edward says with obvious disgust. He reaches out to stroke my temple and I smile at him. The headache this time is not so bad. With Edward right here, I don't even feel the need to go fetal.

"Well, he's one persistent asshole," I say with a chuckle. Edward's eyes just narrow. Compared to the last memory I shared with him, this one seems rather manageable. It even has a happy ending, depending on how you look at it.

Edward probably isn't looking at all this as happy. Again, I feel like such a jerk. I've had seventy or so years to come to grips with all the creepy that is Jacob and I'm still not totally okay with it.

I've just told Edward that the daughter that he just found out he has is basically claimed by another man, another old werewolf man, because of some bizarre mythological circumstance.

And I told him right before we have to get on a plane like it's nothing.

I'm such a moron.

"So this guy stalked our daughter for the better part of seventy years before you finally got tired of fighting him off and just let him have at it?" Edward asks. I wince because I can't explain how Jacob finally won my trust. Not now. Going in to that story would mean revealing my role with the Volturi and now is obviously not the time for that disgusting can of worms.

"It wasn't exactly like that, Edward," I say with a sigh. . "Jake is annoyingly likeable."

"Oh, he's Jake now? What happened to Mr. Jacob Black?" The way he snaps at me makes my headache worse

"Why did I let you force me into showing you that? I'm an idiot," I say, mostly to myself.

Edward just scowls at me and we slip into huffy silence. I didn't handle this well at all, but I didn't have much of a choice being as Edward will certainly be within hearing distance of Jake's head in a few hours.

He gets up to pace. I sigh and try to prepare my tired head for a fight.

"How could you let this happen?" he demands, glaring down as he stomps around in our little chunk of forest. His height puts me at a disadvantage, but I'm still too shaky to stand. Normally after a session like this Edward feeds me and then strokes my hair until he feels like I have the strength to talk or run or whatever. Last time he made love to me.

This aftermath is just horrible.

I know I shouldn't be shocked that he is this upset, but I thought after the last few weeks he was ready to hear just about everything. Going back to Forks is forcing me to rush it, but he has to know before he meets Jake and I can't be without him anymore. Going by myself isn't an option.

It took me nearly two decades to begrudgingly accept that Jake was a permanent fixture in our lives. Even so, I still can't really think about the details without creeping myself out. Instead, I try to view him as my daughter's protector.

It helps.

"Let happen?" I reply, hating how weak my voice is.

"Our daughter," he mutters, "with the fucking mongrel that attempted to seduce you! How could you let this happen?"

Ah, I get it now. It's not just Vanessa. It's me too. Edward is jealous, although he has absolutely no reason to be. Jacob has been around for close to seventy years and that is so much more time than I've spent together with Edward. That knowledge alone has to be hard. Almost everything that Edward missed, Jake was right there for.

Logically, I know I should be kind but I hate the way he's talking to me, like all this is some plot I encouraged.

"I didn't let anything happen," I say with a shriek. The strength and volume of my reply has my brain rattling around in my head. I wince but Edward fails to notice.

"You should have killed him the moment he followed you out of Forks!"

And I really did consider that. I broke many of his bones over those first few years, trying to get him to back off. Something always prevented me from ending his life. It was probably Nessie. She liked him from the start.

If I killed Jake, chances are Ness wouldn't be around either.

"He's proven to be quite useful," I insist.

"An hour ago you were detailing his execution," Edward yells, stopping in front of me as he glowers. "Why the hell are you defending him?"

I just shrug. I'm not about to explain that it's okay if I threaten Jake's wellbeing but it seems wrong coming from anyone else. Knowing this is unfair, I don't say anything.

"How could you let this happen?" he says, resuming his pacing.

And I've had just about enough of that.

"Oh, when in the history of my existence have I ever _let_ anything happen?" I yell, pounding the dirt at my sides as I freak out. "I think it's pretty fucking obvious that I've never had any control over anything!"

That certainly gives Edward pause. He hears the emotion and fragility in my voice. His shoulders slump as he offers me a hand up. When I see his contrite frown, I accept, letting him pull me into his arms.

"Everything is going to be hard and painful, isn't it?" he whispers into my hair.

I shut my eyes and hold him tight, willing him never to leave me. I think about everything I still have to tell him.

"Yup," I agree, my voice muffled as I speak into his chest. " For now."

"For now," he repeats.

* * *

Edward doesn't speak as we make our way through security. The lines aren't terribly long, but I can see that he is immensely stressed. I make him put on his only hooded sweatshirt, covering as much of his skin as possible and give him the fake ID I had the foresight to get made for him on one of our first days in the city, when he needed to be away from me. He lets me take his hand as we shuffle forward.

"I'm pissy because I'm scared, Bella," he whispers. It's so quiet even I have a hard time hearing. I imagine real fear isn't something Edward has experienced since the end of his human life.

"Oh, Edward," I say, wrapping an arm around his waist. "It'll be okay. Everything will be better than okay. It will be wonderful."

"What are we going to do? How will it work? Am I going to stay? What am I going to say to her? I feel all tight inside, like I'll crumble if anything bad happens to her and I haven't even met her yet."

I smile because I feel like that all the time.

"You're a parent," I say, pulling back so I can smile reassuringly at him. "Even if you don't have experience, it's there. That instinct to protect. That love."

Edward balks at the word love. I remember what he told me only a few days ago. It feels like much longer somehow, but Edward doesn't know how to love. Edward doesn't know how to feel.

I'll spend the rest of my unlife teaching him. I will do it.

We move a little closer to the entrance. This doesn't seem like the ideal venue for this discussion, but we're running out of time.

Edward sighs, running both hands over his face and up into his hair. He keeps them there as he slumps forward, elbows resting on his knees. "Just tell me what's going to happen when we get back to Washington. Maybe I'll feel less sick if I know exactly what's going to happen."

"Okay," I reply. "We'll land. Someone will have left a car for me in short-term parking. We could run it, but I can drive it faster and they know I'm twitchy to get back to Ness."

"Ness," he echoes her name like a prayer. It makes me wish I could cry.

"Yes. We'll drive to Forks. I think I should see her before she meets you, see how she's feeling. Hybrids heal quickly, but she might still be in bed, hurting. I'm not sure what I'll say."

"You won't tell her about me?" he asks.

"I will have to. She'll know you the minute she sees you. Unlike the rest of my family, she's seen all the mementos in our apartment."

Edward gulps audibly. I stifle the urge to nip at the smooth tendons that move in his neck. Giving myself another moment to stare at his throat, I shake my head again to compose myself.

"Can't Alice help you? She sees the future, right? If you make a decision to tell Vanessa she'll see." Edward stumbles over the name of our daughter, and I smile adoringly at him.

"Unfortunately, no," I mutter, still hating this little quirk of my sister's oh so handy ability. "Alice has a hard time seeing me, with the shield and everything. She's not very good at humans either. There is something about Ness that makes her future just a giant black spot in Alice's vision. Jake too, for that matter."

"Well, that sucks."

I can't help but to laugh at this.

"That it does," I agree. I chuckle for a moment but then get serious again when I think about the situation I'm having Edward walk into. "To start I'll check on Ness; See how she's feeling. We'll give her some time to get healthy and then I'll explain the best I can. What else can we do?"

Edward just nods and goes silent again. We get through security and are one step closer to our daughter.

* * *

"What if I get stuck in a seat in the sun?" Edward's whispered words make me smile.

"Aw, you're a nervous flyer," I tease. "That's so cute."

I link my arm through his and lay my head against his shoulder as I beam up at him. He just scowls and sticks his hands deeper in his pockets.

"Look," I say, recognizing the need to offer a little assurance. "We've got this wired. When we get on the plane put your hood up and keep your hands in your pockets. Then it's just a matter of keeping your face out of the sun. We're sitting together in first class, so it shouldn't be a problem. Alice would call if there was anything to be nervous about."

"Great," he mutters. "Now I just have to not kill anyone."

"Alice would call about that too."

Edward snorts. I chuckle. He gets so still it would freak out the humans. I remind him to fidget.

"You look awfully dashing in that hoodie," I tell him, shifting closer. For a moment I seriously consider removing the armrest that separates us in these crappy airport seats.

"Thank you," he answers formally. He is so adorably nervous, but I still hear a hint of a smile in his voice. "I like your scarf. Although, I'm not sure about these gloves."

He takes my hand, frowning at the black leather.

"What can I say? It's the mark of a pro. No sparkling."

Edward smiles more broadly for a moment before whipping his head around at inhuman speed to growl at a man seated across the waiting area.

"You should really human it up," I suggest as I lean over to kiss his cheek. I succeed in diverting his attention from the human with the offensive thoughts.

"If that _thing_ is the mark of a human than I want nothing to do with it," he says, continuing to glare at the now cowering man.

"What was he thinking?" I ask

"You don't want to know," he replies, making me want to know more. "I refuse to repeat such vulgarities."

"So it was about me."

"Was I this jealous as a human?" Edward asks. "Between Mr. Jacob Black and that thing over there, I really feel the need to hurt something."

I'm surprised to hear this from him. Edward is correctly identifying and admitting to feeling an emotion. It's kinda a big deal, but I don't want to make it a big deal.

"Oh, you had your moments," I say, smiling softly at him. "But from a very early age it was clear that we belonged to each other. That was plenty to deter would be suitors. Still, you never liked it if someone looked at me wrong."

Edward nods thoughtfully.

"Being with you for the last few weeks has spoiled me. I'm not used to all this noise." He pinches the bridge of his nose and I smile at the familiar gesture.

"Now we both have headaches," I whisper, moving to kiss his temple. He pulls my face to his, kissing me until my head doesn't hurt. His tongue in my mouth makes me forget the whole world, but at some point we draw far too much attention to continue.

"Between my hood and your scarf, seventeen different people think we're celebrities, attempting to stay out of the press," he mutters against my lips.

"Well, you certainly are pretty enough to be in the movies."

"Thank you, Isabella."

* * *

"Where is that stupid car," I mutter as I drag Edward through the parking garage. "Carlisle said that— ah ha!"

I spot the shiny black vehicle and rush over at vampire pace. That flight was painfully long and I'm twitchy with the need to see my daughter. I am all out of patience.

"This is your stupid car?" Edward asks, gaping at me as I shove our bags in the ridiculously small back seat.

"Ridiculous, isn't it?" I muse, running my hand over the Vanquish's pristine paint job.

"It looks like a space ship."

"I have a Beamer for when I don't want to be so ostentatious."

Edward snorts.

"Rose bought it for me," I say defensively. Until this moment I don't think Edward has really seen some of the more ridiculous parts of the Cullen lifestyle. What can I say? We are rich and bored and immortal. "Do you want to drive?" I offer.

"No!" he shouts. I raise an eyebrow, confused by the horror in his response. "I can't drive. Why would I know how to drive?"

"You can drive," I say, smiling slightly. He's damn cute when he's flustered. "You know how. It would take you all of seven seconds to get used to the modern stuff."

"Still no," he says.

"Well, get in then," I say. "We have a daughter to see."

* * *

"What's her favorite color?"

I smile as I weave in and out of traffic, determined to cut the time of this drive down by half. This is about the sixteenth "what's her favorite" question he's shot at me in the last fifteen minutes.

"Yellow."

"And her favorite band?"

"Well, that just changes quicker than I can keep up. She's been listening to a lot of reggae lately, which I don't really get, but Jake's super into it so whatever."

Edward growls at the mention of the werewolf. I sigh, opening my mouth to say something reassuring but he talks over me because really there is nothing to be said that will make the Jake thing better.

"What's her favorite thing to eat? Blood?" he asks, looking adorably confused.

"No," I say chuckling at his expression. "She hasn't had blood in years, since she started going to school and got all socialized by the humans and such. But she loves really rare steak. Also cookies and poached eggs."

"It's like you're speaking a different language right now. I don't know what any of that is."

"You'll learn," I assure him. Edward sighs and reaches over to hold my hand.

* * *

"I didn't like that last memory," Edward murmurs. He's been quiet for the last half an hour, staring intently out his window, into the rain. I wonder what's going on in that pretty little head of his, but he has yet to let go of my hand.

"I know," I say, not really understanding where this is going.

"No, I mean… obviously that imprinting fuckery I hate but that's not what I meant," he says, turning towards me.

"What else was there?"

"You."

"Me?" I ask, swerving slightly in my shock. I recover smoothly and zoom past several vehicles who obviously don't know how to drive in the rain. "You didn't like me?"

"No," he says with a rueful chuckle. "I didn't like how sad and stoic and empty and cold you were."

"Ah, yes. Cold, hard vampire Bella. That was only a decade or so in to this unlife, and I admit that I lost my humanity almost totally there for a minute," I agree.

"I did that to you," he whispers. I grip his hand a little harder.

"Please don't start that again," I quietly request.

"I'm not," he says, leaning over the gear shift to kiss my neck. I shiver. "It just makes me sad to really see you so vampire, so detached. How I was before you walked through those doors in Alaska."

I smile.

"What changed?" he asks. "What brought your humanity back?"

"That would be our daughter," I reply. "When she was a baby she was so precious to me. And I loved her so much, I let myself love her so much when I was with her, but I couldn't bridge the two. The vampire and the human Nessie made me hold on too. I figured it out as she got older, but she also forced me. She learned to talk and she had questions and she was interested in everything and she wanted to know about everything. Our daughter forced me back into the human world. Or at least partially."

"The only thing that makes this any better is knowledge that you had each other."

I lean across the counsel and kiss his neck. Edward actually giggles.

* * *

"I hate Jacob Black."

"I know, sweetheart."

"I could kill him pretty easily."

"Yup, it's tempting. You won't though."

"Oh?"

"It would hurt your daughter," I murmur. "And although in the moment I might enjoy it, ultimately it would hurt me too."

Edward grumbles under his breath and goes back to staring out the window.

* * *

We are less than twenty minutes outside of Forks when he speaks again.

"She's not going to like me."

His statement leaves me floundering because I honestly never considered this possibility. Edward is still such a part of me it seems unfathomable that our daughter could ever feel anything but joy when she meets her father.

But try as I might, I couldn't even share Edward's memory fully with Nessie. So far, I've robbed her of the chance to really know him. I was so weak and so selfish. Such a coward.

For years I gave away everything to keep her safe, but was unwilling to share the emotionally pain and joy of remembering him.

So selfish.

This is one major failing. I horded Edward's memory.

"She likes everyone," I murmur because it's true. "She'll love you," I say. I'm very convincing to myself, therefore he must believe me. She's never disliked anyone in ninety-five years of life. Surely she wouldn't start now.

Edward smiles sadly at me before turning to once again stare out the window into this rainy Washington morning.

She won't start now.

* * *

"It looks smaller somehow," he says, cocking his head to the side.

"That's because it's full of people," I say with a heavy sigh. We stand outside the garage, just staring at the house. He puts an arm around my shoulders and I relax ever so slightly.

We listen to Alice shrieking about our arrival and Emmett telling her to calm down, even though he sounds just as excited himself. Everyone shuffles around, anxious for us to come inside.

It's an exhausting prospect.

I focus on the steady heartbeat coming from the western corner of the house on the third floor. I look at the windows, knowing that Nessie is just beyond the glass.

"That's…" Edward stammers, struggling to form words. "Heartbeat… oh…" His quiet stutter is breaking my heart all over again. He's so moved. I'm so moved. I feel so many things as we listen to the heartbeat we created together, and he does too. I rub soothing circles at the small of his back. We stand like this until he seems steady enough to go inside.

"Are you ready?" I ask, taking the first step.

"No," he says with a nervous chuckle. I give him what I hope comes off as a reassuring smile. He takes a deep breath. "Let's go inside."

"My family has the tendency to be extremely obnoxious," I remind him as we slowly make our approach, hand in hand. There are various protests from almost everyone in the house. "They'll bombard you."

"I'm sure it will be fine," he says. I can hear the tension in his voice. "You forget that I've met them before."

"Yeah, that doesn't count," I say.

"Everything is different now," he agrees.

Our pace remains leisurely, but eventually we have no choice but to enter. He holds the front door open, gesturing for me to go in first. I smile and wonder if he even recognizes these little behaviors that are remnants of the human he once was. I drop my bag at the foot of the stairs. Edward freezes behind me, eyes glued to the place where her heartbeat is thumping away, slow and steady in her light sleep.

She'll be awake soon.

"Come on," I say, touching the back of his hand. He jumps, but then takes my hand in his, letting me pull him into the living room. Six of my family members are posed around, draped on couches and looking far too casual.

I roll my eyes.

"Oh, Bells," Emmett says. "You're back."

I laugh at his false calm. Carlisle and I exchange a look, but soon my father goes back to studying Edward who loiters behind me. My hand is in a death grip and I rub my thumb over his knuckles. Alice stares at our joined hands, grinning like the maniac she is. Jasper watches my husband with a pained expression. Everyone feels the waves of calm coming from my brother, and Edward relaxes his hold slightly.

"Hi, guys," I finally manage. "You remember Edward."

Alice loses it at this point. Frankly, I'm surprised it didn't come sooner. She bounds over to Edward, throwing herself into his arms. He gapes at me, eyes wide with panic, as his hands flutter around her little body. I frown at my sister, feeling thoroughly neglected.

"It is so good to see you two!" she squeaks: Ignoring my husband's obvious discomfort. He finally lets his hands fall to his sides, having no idea what else to do. I give Jasper a look and he stands to pry Alice away. "We are going to be best friends," Alice informs Edward as she finally lets go.

Although I'm not totally sure why, I find her behavior completely embarrassing. It's like I'm desperate for my family to play it cool in front of my boyfriend.

Edward is thoroughly bemused and I look around the room, imploring everyone to go easy. My husband is freaked out enough without the Cullen interrogation and freak show.

"Alice," I say, nodding my head in greeting. I get a less enthusiastic hug from my sister and a kiss on the forehead from Jasper. Edward and Jasper regard each other warily but shake hands.

We greet the rest of the family, and I watch how they react to my husband. Before now I hadn't really given my family's opinions on the matter much thought. I've been too wrapped up in all things Edward and Vanessa to think on much else.

Now I regret it.

Rose is cold. Emmett is cautiously curious. Esme is warm. Carlisle is obviously overjoyed to see his long lost friend and struggles to contain himself. When the two shake hands, Edward winces.

"Sorry," Carlisle says with a rueful smile. "I will try not to _bombard_ you with my memories." My father winks at me and it takes all my will to not roll my eyes once again at him.

Edward gives one jerky nod before returning to my side. I give his hand another squeeze.

"So, Ed," Rosalie says, eyeing him critically from head to toe. Edward looks uncomfortable under her scrutiny. "What are your intentions with our Bella?"

"Rose!" I hiss. She is so totally not on board with the going easy plan.

Oh dear lord, this is so damn embarrassing. I can't remember ever being embarrassed before.

"You better not hurt her, asshole," Rose spits out. Em actually has to restrain her to prevent her from getting in Edward's face. I can't do anything but watch the train wreck with wide eyes. "Seriously, after what you did last time, I can't believe the rest of my idiot family is letting you back into our home."

"Rose!" Esme and I both shout, totally aghast. It's probably for different reasons, but I'm not the only one pissed at Rose and her stupid big mouth.

"Back off," I demand.

Edward lets out a strangled gasping sound. I watch in horror as he seems to crumble.

"Bella," he says, cradling my face between his palms. "I'm so sorry."

"Okay," I say, not getting it. He continues to stare at me imploringly for a moment before understanding dawns. "Oh, sweetheart," I say, covering his hands with mine. "It's fine. I'm fine."

I'm going to rip off Rosalie's feet for making him privy to the memory of me catatonic after he left me in my bedroom.

Edward growls at me, probably objecting to the word fine. I remember too late that he hates that word coming out of my mouth.

"It was a bad couple of days," I admit. "It hurt, but you came back. That's all that matters, Edward. You came back."

"But I keep hurting you," he whispers. As he stares down at me I feel like he's not really seeing. The look on his face is unfathomable and I don't know if I've ever seen anyone this tortured. "Over and over and over again, without even meaning too, I hurt you."

"Ed—"I try to argue, but he raises his voice, cutting me off.

"She's right!" he yells, gesturing to my evil sister. "You shouldn't let me in here at all. I'm not trustworthy. What if I hurt Vanessa? We'd both hate me then, Bel—"

I cover his mouth with my hand, a technique that has worked well in the past. Edward is obviously on the verge of the vampire version of a nervous breakdown, and I need him to calm quickly.

"The only time you ever hurt me, really hurt me, is when you leave," I remind him, my voice low and earnest. "Are you going to leave again?"

"No," he murmurs against the palm of my hand.

He raised a very good point. We are about to do something big here, and I need him to know he's with me. I need him to trust himself just as I trust him.

"You have to mean it, Edward," I continue, talking in a calm but serious tone. "You have to mean it because this is serious now. Leaving me, hurting me, that's one thing, but we are about to get our child involved. With her, you can't change your mind. This is it. No leaving."

Edward nods as I drop my hand. He reaches out to grasp my shoulders, needing some contact.

"There are still things you don't know," I whisper, reminding him of this again. "I still have things to say that might make you change your mind, so I'm not asking you to commit to me, but she's different. You can't show up in her life only to leave when things get rough."

Edward opens his mouth to speak, but I'm not quite done.

"I trust you. I know you, Edward Masen, better than you even know yourself. I truly, honestly believe in you, but right now, I need you to believe that you can do this too. I'm about to go talk to our daughter and tell her this really big thing, and I need you to trust yourself."

"I won't leave," he insists. The conviction in his voice is more than enough for me. "I couldn't leave. Bella, where else would I go?"

"Back off, Rose," I hiss. My unforgiving sister glares at me but begrudgingly nods. Giving her a final scowl, I step close to Edward and give him a firm hug because we both need it.

"I love you, "I whisper in his ear. The others hear me. I don't particularly care but they politely give us the moment.

The heartbeat coming from above our heads speeds up fractionally. Edward hears the change and gets panicky all over again.

"Can you hang out with Carlisle for a bit?" I ask him, putting space between us as I inch towards the stairs. "I'll be right back."

* * *

Ness is just sitting up and stretching when I open her bedroom door. She senses me loitering in the doorway as she struggles to get her cast free of her sheets.

"Are you going to help me out here or what?" she asks. I'm at her side in a flash, wrapping my arms around her skinny little body before she even finishes talking. She squeaks and returns my hug, sitting up in her bed with her broken leg stretched out straight in front of her. "Baby girl, baby girl," I croon, smoothing her wild bed head and kissing her hair.

She giggles into my chest.

"I love you," I tell her.

"Love you back," she says. "Don't be mad."

I stifle a sigh.

"I'm not mad at you, my sweet. I should have been here. Really, I blame myself:" And_ a certain idiot werewolf._

"Don't be mad at Jake," she says, pulling away and giving me a stern look. My girl knows me too well. I have to bite my lip to keep from grinning or sobbing. She looks so much like her father. "It was my idea. Not his."

I just smile sweetly and imagine beating the shit out of the wolf later.

"I mean it, Mom," she lectures, sounding way too grown up. "Don't touch him. I'll be pissed if you break his leg as pay back or something."

"I won't break Jake's leg," I promise.

"Or anything else," Nessie insists.

"Give me some credit," I reply. "I haven't broken any of his bones in years."

"Don't you start now, Mom, I mean it." She pokes her finger in my face and everything.

"Geeze, Ness," I tease, imitating her inflection. "You sound like a nagging parent."

She giggles at this and hugs me again.

"I missed you, baby," I say.

"Me too," she says. "I guess breaking my leg on some rocks was the only way to get you back home. Maybe I did this on purpose."

I sputter at her incomprehensibly, feeling painfully guilty. Nessie laughs again.

"I'm joking, Mom. Geeze, you've gotta lighten up." I watch her absently scratch at the cast and run my fingers over the rough, bright yellow surface. The cast forms a boot around her ankle and goes up her calf.

"How is it?" I ask, studying her face for any signs of pain.

"It's totally fine."

"Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore. I didn't even cry when it happened. Jake says I'm a badass."

I smile.

"How long does Carlisle think you'll be in a cast?"

"Just a week. He says I'll be out by the first day of school. No problem."

Fuck, I forgot about school. That's something I'm going to need to figure out. I'm supposed to be starting my senior year and all that.

"And you're really okay?" I ask, frowning at her injury.

"Yes," she says, flopping back onto the pillows in frustration. "Will you relax? I'm ninety-five. You baby me."

"Do not."

"It was awesome, jumping off that cliff. What a rush! I know I messed up the landing a little bit," she says wistfully.

I scoff.

"You like it too. Jake told me. We've gotta go sometime."

"No."

"Yes!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Absolutely yes!"

"Are you crazy? Look at you! You're a smart girl, Ness. Does this really seem like a good time to be pushing to jump off another cliff?" I ask.

"The broken leg thing isn't all that bad," she says, changing topics. I help her detangle her cast from her sheets as she tries to get out of bed this time. "Everyone is being extra nice and doing stuff for me. I'm gonna get spoiled."

"You're already spoiled," I say, making sure she finds sure footing.

Ness laughs and sets off towards the bathroom. I attempt to assist, but she bats my hands away.

"I'm not a baby, Mom," she says with a groan and an eye roll. "I can do it on my own."

So much for her enjoying the pampering.

"Ma," she says, turning before she steps through the threshold. "Can you have Esme make me breakfast? Pretty please? She said I could have it in bed and everything!" I nod and listen to Esme open the fridge in the kitchen below. "Eggs and potatoes?"

"She's already started."

"Thanks, Esme!" Nessie yells. She might not be able to hear what's going on two floors below but she's used to living with our superhuman abilities. "I love you!"

I hear Edward's sharp intake of break and struggle to maintain composure.

"Ness?" I say before she closes the door behind her. "I need to talk to you about something after you eat."

"Okay," she replies with a shrug. "Is it bad?"

My heart lurches in my chest. Edward asked me that same question about her two days ago.

"No," I reply. "Not at all. It's about my friend from my human life. I brought him back here with me."

"Okay," she says again, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Are you dating?"

More incomprehensible sputtering from me. That was just about the last thing I expected her to say.

"Geeze, Mom. You are so uptight. It's about time. Date away." Several vampires below me chuckle. One does not.

"It's much more complicated than that," I finally manage.

"Oh, that's mysterious," she says, laughing as she shuts the bathroom door. I frown as she disappears from my sight. "You can tell me _during_ breakfast."

With a sigh I work my way downstairs. I move slowly, attempting to plan the coming conversation in my head. Unfortunately, I've got nothing. I have no idea what I'm doing or how to make it easier on our daughter.

Before I get to the landing on the second floor I smell wet dog and hear four heavy paws. Jake transforms on the back deck, pulling on his shorts and bursting into the house.

"Hello, party people," he booms. "How's Nessie? Is Bells home yet? Is she pissed?"

I sigh again, longing for some simplicity. My pace slows even more. I want so badly to avoid the complications below.

Stupid Jacob. Couldn't he just not show up for just a couple of measly hours?

The answer is no. Especially with Ness hurt and it's his fault.

"Nessie is fine, Bella's here," Rose answers, sounding just about as friendly and understanding as earlier. "And she brought a guest."

"Hello," Edward says his voice low and dangerous.

There is a beat of uncomfortable silence. I close my eyes, wanting everything to go away with the exception of my husband and my daughter.

"Who the fuck are you?" screams Jake. "How the fuck do you look like that?"

I realize the stupidity of being absent from this introduction and reach Edward's side a split second later.

I probably didn't plan this well.

"What the fuck is going on here, Bella?" Jake demands, scowling daggers at my husband. Edward growls, looking more furious than I've ever seen him. I assume this is a response to Jacob's thoughts.

"Jake," I say, thinking of Nessie two floors above. I keep my voice low. "You need to calm down before I rip out your vocal cords."

"Bella, who the hell is this?" Jake screams. I don't quite understand his panic. When we have our friends over with traditional diets, it makes Jacob extremely uncomfortable, but Edward's eyes aren't even red anymore. "He looks just like her. How does she look just like her?

Ah, there it is.

My family stays on the periphery. They murmur to each other, berating themselves for not recognizing the resemblance earlier.

Of course Jake gets it right away, the little stalker freak.

"How the fuck did we miss that?" hisses Rose.

"We weren't exactly looking for it, babe," replies Emmett.

"I noticed," Jasper claims. "Just didn't think nothin' of it."

"You did not," Alice insists. "Although now it's obvious. They're like twins. Except not twins. You know."

I groan as the throbbing in my head builds. The situation is really getting away from me here, and I can't figure out how to rein everyone in.

"Who is this fucker?" Jake demands.

"Watch what you think, Jake," Rose advises. "He can read minds."

Another groan from me. Another growl from Edward. I viciously dig the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.

Jake screams some more. I have to squeeze Edward's hand to prevent him from charging the shape shifter. He is reacting to thoughts I can't hear. My family argues, comparing Nessie's face to her fathers. General chaos ensues and my head feels like it's about to explode.

I blame the stress of it all. That's why I don't hear her footsteps until she's too close. So close that she can hear everything Jake screams at us, all of my family arguments, and Edward's steady, low growls.

We all notice the thunking of the cast at the same time and immediately fall silent.

Edward and I face the rest of the family who stand perfectly still near the entrance to the kitchen. Jake stands by the sliding glass door between us. Behind Edward and I stands our daughter at the base of the stairs. All eyes are on Nessie, except Edward's and mine. We're facing the wrong direction.

"Mom," Her little voice is so timid. It's out of character for our self-assured daughter.

I close my eyes, willing away my headache. I need all the strength and focus I can get for this. Edward squeezes my hand so hard I'm surprised it won't come off.

"Jake?" she continues. "What's going on? Who is that? Who are you?"

I turn around, slowly, taking in Vanessa's terrified expression. Her eyes are wide. Her lip trembles, and I know she heard everything. She knows.

God, this is not the way it was supposed to be.

"Mom?" she asks, her voice rising in pitch. "Who is that?"

Edward remains frozen at my side. He's on the verge of tipping over. I don't let go of him.

"Ness," I start my voice hitching. I can't cry, but a dry sob rips from my throat anyway. "This… I wanted to tell you. After breakfast? Our talk? This is what I was going to talk to you about."

I put my hand on Edward's arm, hoping it will inspire him to turn around. He shakes.

I take another deep breath.

"Vanessa," I say. "This is Edward."

I tug on his hand until he finally turns. He drinks up our daughter with his eyes, totally stunned by her. Nessie gasps in surprise covering her mouth with her hand. The tears that have been threatening to fall do.

I hear Jake shuffle behind me, taking one step toward Vanessa. His first instinct is to comfort, but he wisely stays put. No one in my family moves. It feels like there are only three of us in this room.

Edward sighs softly.

"Hello," my husband manages. The expression on his face holds such joy.

She stares.

"Nessie—"

"No!" says my daughter, cutting me off before I can offer any words of comfort or give any explanation. "No, no."

She shakes her head rapidly and I'm kneeling in front of her in an instant.

"Vanessa, this is Edward. He's your fath—"

"No!" she yells through her angry tears. "No."

"Baby, I—"

"No, Mom," she says. I bite my lip to keep from talking again. That obviously isn't working. Nessie takes a stumbling step away from me, and it breaks my heart. She shoots all sorts of accusations at me with her heartbroken glare.

That little spot where my soul used to be withers, I've never disappointed her like this. Never.

"Get out of my house," she whispers, studying the ground. For a moment I think she's talking to me, but this statement is actually directed at Edward. "Go away. Don't come back."

She turns around. I reach out once more, attempting to fix this somehow. One look from my daughter has my hands dropping to my sides. I sit back on my heels, my head wracked with pain.

Nessie takes three steps struggling with her cast before Jake rushes around me and sweeps her into his arms. Her sobs grow in their violence as she cries into his neck. Edward growls low in his chest. Jakes shoot us both a final glare before running her upstairs and into his room.

I let out another dry sob and bury my face in my hands.

* * *

**I know! I know! Evil cliffie. This keeps happening during this story and I'm not even planning it.**

**So the Nessie reaction? Are we surprised? Does it make sense? I will have the next one finshed up as soon as possible. Please don't leave me. I told you there would be angst.  
**

**Bless you for taking this journey with me.  
**


	14. The Aftermath

**I know, I know this took for freaking ever and I'm sorry. Real life combined with holiday madness combined with technical difficulties. So in the spirit of the season I give you chapter 14.**

**There were a lot of feelings about last chapter! It's pretty evenly split. About half of you think Nessie is justified in her reaction, half don't get it at all.  
**

**Well, here's a little more on that.  
**

**I love you and I hope each on of you had a wonderful holiday (if you're into that kinda thing).  
**

**I don't know anything. Donna rocks.**

* * *

"It's nice," Edward muses as we approach the cabin. All I can manage is a slight nod. The four bedroom structure half a mile from our house is nice, but I can't find it in me to care.

Edward reaches out to touch the stone exterior while I fumble around in my jeans pocket for the keys. My hands shake too badly for me to unlock the front door. Edward has to do it.

"It's very nice," he continues as we step through the threshold.

"We lived here seventy years ago," I explain, remembering the sweet baby girl I lived with in this house. "Esme renovated it when she built the big house. Jake was supposed to live here."

I haven't been in here in decades, but Esme did a wonderful job with the restoration. The ceiling is a beautiful wood and the floors are a polished stone. It's small, but incredibly comfortable.

"And where does the mongrel live now?" Edward asks.

"On the reservation," I reply, gesturing in the general direction of the Quileute land, "with what remains of his pack."

"Pack. How many more of them are there?"

"Do we have to talk about Jake now?" I whine, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples. It feels like I've spent days with my shield extended. My mind is fragile and weak. _Mr. Jacob Black _is just about the last thing I want to discuss.

I'm not too happy with him at the moment. Nessie wouldn't let me in her room earlier, and Jake at least had the sense to come out into the hall and apologize for his reaction to Edward.

"I fucked up, okay?" he told me. "It was just so shocking to see her face on this vampire. I freaked her out and made things harder for both of you and I'm sorry."

I nodded begrudgingly but have yet to really let go of my mad.

"Do you think I should break down the door?" I asked Jacob.

"No," he said with a chuckle. "I think you should give her a little time."

Unfortunately, the wolf was right.

There was some debate within the family about what to do now. Edward adamantly refused to stay at the main house. He didn't want to go against the wishes of our daughter. Carlisle suggested I bring Edward here to the cabin.

Edward wraps his arms around me, and I whimper into his chest.

"Come on," he murmurs. "Let's go lie down."

I provide directions to the master bedroom, insisting Edward keep his arms around me as we walk.

The cabin is rather cozy with its large stone fire place and bookshelves. Edward fits here much better than Jacob.

Edward pulls back the puffy white down comforter. I slide into the bed, moving towards the middle of the mattress to make room for him. He kicks off his shoes and joins me. I tuck myself into his side and let my body rest.

"I'm so sorry," I mumble into his chest, wishing more than ever that I could cry.

"Hush, love," he murmurs into my hair, dropping kisses on my temple. "It's alright."

"It isn't!" I wail. "She hates both of us, and it's all my fault."

"Isabella," he says, continuing to stroke my hair. "It isn't your fault and she doesn't hate us. She loves you and doesn't know me. I terrify her, but there's no hate. Fear, a whole mess of confusion, but no hate."

"What was she thinking?" I ask, not really sure if I'm ready for an answer.

Edward chuckles and I'm totally shocked by how well he's taking this. We've always been like this, providing strength for the other. We take turns supporting each other. Right now I'm in need, but it really should be him.

"I like her head," he says. I can here the smile in his voice. "There was a lot of 'this can't be happening,' and 'this can't be real.' Way more curse words than either of us would be comfortable with. It's fascinating. She thinks more in feelings and images than words."

"Like her gift," I murmur.

Edward hums in agreement.

I groan again, hating how the situation was handed. In the last hour I hurt pretty much everyone I care about, myself included. It's all my own doing. If I could have just managed to let Ness really know her father through my memories, if I would have just insisted on talking to her before her damn breakfast, if I would have thought to exclude Jake from our home for just a few hours, if—

"Bella," Edward says, interrupting my silent freak out. "You're over thinking it."

"No, I'm not," I mutter.

"Yes, you are," he insists.

I scowl into his chest, even though he can't see me. He is silent for a moment before he shifts us around so he can look me in the eye. I pout because he isn't wallowing with me. Why isn't he wallowing with me? This is sure as shit wallow worthy.

"I'm not at all surprised by Vanessa's reaction to me," he says.

"It's my fault," I say again. "I should have told her so much more about you."

Nessie knows the basics of our story. She knows he went away to war and I broke when he died, but I was never quite able to share the good memories, the reasons I loved him so much.

Edward sighs and pushes my hair back off my forehead.

"If I'm not allowed to be self depreciative and guilty," he says, "than neither are you."

I give him a scowl because that's so not fair.

"Can you just listen to me? Are you up for that?" he asks. I begrudgingly nod. He is about to stop my wallowing but I could really use a good wallow. "Vampires don't change very often. I imagine our daughter is the same. You have managed to give Vanessa a very stable life, Bella. And that's a good thing, but change is utterly terrifying, especially for creatures like us. She needs time. Just like I did."

Damn him for making so much sense. I nod along with him.

"I know exactly how she feels," he murmurs. "Not only because I can get into her head, but because I lived it. Her whole world is different. I think she's actually taking it rather well," he muses.

I huff, not agreeing with that last point at all, even if the rest of his speech makes sense and soothes my head.

"Look how I reacted," he murmurs, obviously beating himself up over Rosalie's memory. "At least she didn't run away."

"Yes, she'll probably just stay in her room forever."

"She's so confused, love," he says sadly. "She thinks you lied, that I knew about her and stayed away."

"What!" I say, sitting upright and attempting to get out of bed. Edward holds me still. "I've got to talk to her, Edward. She can't be thinking that! I have to explain."

"She won't listen right now," he insists as I struggle against his firm grip. "She needs time to sort things out on her own. At least wait a few hours and if she's not ready, then give her the night."

"I don't understand this," I confess, feeling so utterly frustrated. "She's so violently angry at both of us. I know I failed her, keeping your memory mostly to myself, but I've never seen her like that, Edward."

He strokes my hair and again it amazes me how well he's handling this. It's wonderful to know that I don't always have to be the strong one.

"Sometimes anger is easier than fear," Edward explains. "That's what happened to me when I left you here. It was easier to be angry at you for keeping the truth to your self those first few days than let myself believe it was true. Change this big is very scary, especially for a vampire. Although I'm not sure what Vanessa is scared of, I understand that she is."

I remain silent, his words making sense in some way even if I still can't quite see things from my daughter's point of view.

"As for her never acting this way before… Well, there has never been anything like this before. I think she needs some time to process. Like me." Edward smiles like an idiot. I fight my own grin. "Is it strange that our similarities in this character flaw make me happy?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I told you that she's so like you."

Edward kisses my temple and I don't know what I'm feeling, but then he gets melancholy again.

"She doesn't want me here because I hurt you and she thinks I'll do it again," he murmurs, making my chest hurt. "And she has every right to feel that way. You've been broken hearted for a century because of me."

"Well, that's dumb," I mutter, making Edward's lips twitch up into a slight smile. "You fill all my empty spaces. It was all worth it, to find you again."

It's my fault entirely that Nessie doesn't recognize this as a blessing.

"In a situation as complicated as this no one is at fault," Edward assures me. "Not totally. This could have been handled better, but all we can do now is go forward. Eventually she'll stop being angry and I'll be here to get to know her when that happens. Time, Bella. Give her time."

Again, I hate that he's right. I want to do something proactive to fix this somehow.

"I love you," I say.

He manages to not freak out at the endearment. Ah, progress.

* * *

"She wouldn't see me," I announce miserably as I walk through the cabin door. Edward looks up from an easy chair. He sits shirtless with a book in his lap. The image is so unbearably appealing that I get distracted from my sorrow for one little second.

I haven't let myself think about being with Edward again now that we're back in Forks, but oh, how I want him. I always want him.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know this is so painful for you. Have you ever fought with her before?" he asks, closing his book as I move to sit on the arm of his chair. His hand finds my thigh, and I shiver.

"No," I say, letting him comfort me. "Not really. We squabbled about school for a couple of years before I finally caved and let her brush elbows with the humans, but it wasn't really fighting. We're close, Edward."

"I know. That much is clear from Vanessa's thoughts. She loves you, Bella. That bond is so strong, but right now she's scared."

"I want to take away her fear. It's my job."

"There are just some things you can't fix. Give her some—"

"Time," I interrupt. "I know, I know. She's asleep now. I waited outside her door until her breathing evened out. She tossed and turned for another hour before settling down."

"She's lucky she can sleep," he murmurs as I lay my forehead against his. "It's a reprieve. All things look better in the morning light."

"Unless you sparkle in the sun and want to be in public."

"True," he says with a chuckle.

"How are you not more upset about this?" I ask, not getting it. Before he saw Ness he was so nervous. Now he seems so steady and sure.

"I'm sad," he replies. "It's sad. All of it. I hate that I don't know her, but I knew from the moment you told me about her that it would be hard, that the going would be slow. Just seeing her today, even if she can't stand the thought of me, was a miracle. She stuns me, Bella. I hate that she's hurting because of me, but we need to know each other. She'll come around, Bella. She has a good heart and she's too curious by nature to stay away for long."

He certainly seems to know her at least a little bit. I guess that comes along with the mind reading business. I'm sure Jake has told Ness about her father's ability. She'll hate that.

"Will she let me explain tomorrow?"

"Who do I look like?" he says with a laugh. "Alice?"

I roll my eyes, smiling my first hint of a smile in many hours.

"I think she will let you explain tomorrow but it's going to take longer than that for her to get used to the idea that I exist."

"You were gone a week. Is that how long it took you?" I ask, running a hand through his hair. We seem to get closer and closer as we talk. I want him so bad it hurts my bones.

"I'm still not totally used to it," Edward confesses. "You have to admit, this is all extremely crazy. I missed you, Bella. When I left it was like I only knew you for a few days and I missed you. I ached for you."

I let out a pathetic mewling sound and find myself pulled into his lap. I straddle him, cursing my confining clothing. He slips his hands under my shirt at the small of my back and runs his fingertips over my skin.

"I ache for you," I whisper in his ear, my voice husky. "All the time."

"There is a lot of night left before morning," he replies, nipping at my earlobe. "What ever shall we do to pass the time?"

I'm rougher than necessary as I jerk his face towards mine. I kiss him long and slow and deep, letting us feel every little bit of it.

"Kiss me all night," I murmur as he moves to drag his teeth down the column of my neck.

"Is that all?" he mumbles against my skin. The movement makes me giggle. Delighted with him, with the fact that we really have come so far in a very short amount of time, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him close.

"I love you, Edward Masen," I say. "So very, very much."

He tenses only slightly. Already he's getting used to hearing this from me.

"I know," he whispers.

Now I'm the one freezing. Just that simple understanding from him is huge progress from the vampire who stared at me with wide, panicked eyes, and insisted that he was incapable of such emotion.

He knows I love him.

It's the only redeeming thing about this day.

I may have botched this whole absurd situation, but it's not ruined. My family is still within reach, even if it will be hard. I wouldn't put Ness through this if I wasn't certain that it's worth it.

That he's worth it.

He's worth everything.

I whimper and writhe against him, reveling in the feel of his hands holding me close. His lips find mine again, and the kiss fills up all my empty spaces. He wasn't the only one hallow before.

My missing piece is right here, and when he kisses me, I let myself feel all the amazing parts. The pain and struggles to come seem completely manageable when Edward kisses me.

His fingers run through my hair, undoing all the braids I added in stress as I paced outside Nessie's bedroom. He lets out an exasperated growl as he encounters braid after braid. I let out a breathless laugh and kiss the furrow of concentration that forms between his brows.

I lift both my arms straight up in the air. He lifts an eyebrow, amused by impatience. I narrow my eyes at him until he laughs and removes my t-shirt with vampire speed.

"Beautiful," he whispers, nipping at the swell of my breast. I giggle again and wrap my arms around his head. He kisses my skin tenderly. It feels like we've done this a thousand times before, and we have.

I poke at his side until he lifts his arms. This time I refrain from ruining another one of his shirts. He doesn't have many to spare, just the contents of his small backpack.

"Beautiful," I tell him, taking the time to trace the lines of each sculpted ab.

"Handsome," he corrects.

"Beautiful," I insist.

"Whatever you want," he says. The love look is back and it melts me. He cups my cheeks in his palms, and I feel choked up, even though I know it isn't possible. He gets serious again, even though all I want him to do is help me forget for just one moment. "Bella, we're on the right track. I promise you, it will all work out."

I smile, brushing my lips over his.

"You are very good at keeping your promises."

I can tell by his pained expression that he knows that I'm referring to the words he spoke when he left a hundred years ago. The sadness is there for only a moment before it's replaced with the crooked, cocky smirk that is my second favorite look of his.

"I promise to make you feel good." His hoarse voice makes me shiver.

"I'll hold you to it," I reply as he stands and zips towards the bedroom. "Over and over and over."

* * *

"Why the hell is there a closet full of men's clothes back here?"

I sit cross-legged in the middle of the bed, brushing my hair. Edward's naked form disappeared into the massive closet at the other side of the bedroom a moment ago and I frown because my lovely view is now gone.

"Probably Alice," I reply. "Who knows what she's seen. Maybe she knew you'd end up staying out here."

"Seriously," he continues. "This is a crap ton of clothes. What is wrong with your sister?"

I laugh because my husband just said crap ton.

"Many, many things," I reply as I pull my hair up into a messy ponytail.

"This place is as big as our whole apartment in Chicago."

The phrase "our" coming out of Edward's mouth will never cease to make me swoon.

"Our apartment in Chicago suited our purposes just fine, if I recall."

Edward's head pops out from inside the closet. He grins lewdly and I throw a pillow at him before he disappears back into the cavernous depths of the closet.

"This might come in handy given the way you love to rip my clothes off," he comments. "I wonder if that's what your sister had in mind when she stocked this monstrosity."

"Ew," I say with a groan. "That's gross."

Edward laughs. "You know there are plenty of lady clothes in here too. Guess Alice knew you'd be around a lot."

"She's a sharp one, that Alice."

I slip out of bed, not bothering to pull on a robe as I pad across the room and join Edward. He's pulled on a pair of low-slung jeans that do crazy sexy things to his long legs. As is usual, Edward is without underwear.

"Sometimes I can't decide if I like you better in clothes or naked," I muse.

Edward turns to pout at me with hands on his hips. "That's somewhat insulting, Isabella. I always prefer you without clothes."

I smile and hug him, pressing my all naked body into his half naked body.

He groans. "Get away from me, woman," he mutters, grabbing a shirt at random and yanking it on over his head. "You are far too tempting, and you have places to be."

I whimper, thinking once again of our furious daughter.

"Should I practice?" I ask, kind of freaking out. "I think I should practice."

"What do you mean practice?" Edward asks, moving to study the woman section of the closet. "Put this on."

He hands me a slinky black cocktail dress.

"Are you kidding? No," I say, vetoing his selection. He continues to rummage around, but I can tell by the tick in his jaw that he's having a hard time keeping his eyes off me.

"Practice what?" he asks again, flipping through the hangers with super-human speed.

"This conversation. You could be Ness and I can be me and we can practice."

He hands me another dress, but I can't get offended. Ever hopeful Alice has packed the racks with high fashion dresses in hopes of giving me a little taste. After fifty years she still hasn't given up.

I pull the navy cotton dress over my head. The sleeves are long and the skirt flares out slightly at the knees. It is casual enough to meet my needs.

"I just need to plan out exactly what to say to her and everything will be fine. The conversation is going to be great. Maybe I'll write up an outline and everything," I babble.

"Bella!" Edward says, totally frustrated. He wraps one hand around my throat to keep me still and stares down at me intently. "You are over thinking it again. This isn't the kind of conversation you can plan."

"I like plans."

"Listen, love, all you have to do is be honest with her," Edward says, his thumb tracing my skin. It's incredibly difficult to stay focused when he's touching me like that. "Take her through everything, step by step. Apologize for not talking about me more. Explain that it hurt. Tell her about Alaska and Forks and Chicago. Tell her I'm a mess, but I'm trying to reclaim this amazing shot we have at a wonderful life. Can you do that?"

All I can manage to do is nod.

"She'll want me to leave," he continues. "She's too much like us, far too stubborn for her own good. I think she'll want me to leave. She'll ask you to send me away. Tell her that she doesn't have to see me, but that I'll be right here in this cabin until the Cullen family decides they've stayed in Forks long enough. For the rest of forever, I'll be where you two are."

More nodding from me.

"You're amazing," I tell him.

"Yeah, try telling our daughter that."

* * *

Esme gives me a tray of Nessie's favorite breakfast foods when we hear my daughter up and moving above our heads. Vanessa sure loves to eat, but somehow I don't think this meal will put her in a forgiving mood.

I knock softly on her door, something I only started doing since she reached her version of puberty years ago. I hear her heavy sigh through the wood.

"Come in, Mom," she says, although she doesn't sound particularly thrilled about the prospect of hashing this out.

She's pissed at me. I have no idea how to handle her so angry with me.

When I push through the door I'm shocked to see Vanessa up and moving around her room as quickly as her healing leg will allow. A giant suitcase sits half full on her bed.

It takes extreme effort for me to gently set her breakfast down on her desk.

"Going somewhere?" I ask, my voice low and dangerous.

"Yes," Ness answers simply. She pulls a stack of t-shirts out of her dresser and tosses them into the suitcase.

"May I ask where?" I squeeze my hands into fists to prevent from destroying anything with them.

Now Vanessa isn't the only one angry. Yesterday I was guilty and heartbroken. This morning I'm just as pissed as my daughter for acting like such a little brat.

"I'm moving out," she says as if it should be obvious.

"No, you're really not."

Nessie gives me a scowl.

"You can't tell me what to do," she snaps, sounding like such a freaking _teenager_.

"Oh, that is where you are wrong, darling daughter," I say, absolutely seething. She has every right to be upset, but she's not running away. That may have been an option for Edward, but my daughter does not have the luxury of avoidance. "Where do you plan to go?"

"Jake's."

"Jake's," I repeat in a flat voice. This time I might really have to kill him.

"Yeah," she says, continuing to fold. "Jake's."

"And just what does dear Mr. Black have to say about this little plan of yours?"

Vanessa winces, her hands floundering as she continues to arrange clothes in her bag.

"He'll come around," she mutters.

Internally I sigh in relief. I might be furious with the shape shifter, but at least he has the sense to encourage Ness to stay. If he freely offered up a place with him on the reservation I really would break his leg at the very least.

"Somehow I doubt that."

"I'm moving in with Jake and there is nothing you can do to stop me," she snaps. In this moment she sounds every bit the brat. It makes my head hurt.

"That is so not going to happen," I reply, scoffing at the absurdity of the idea.

"I'm not staying here with _him_!" she shrieks, really losing composure now. "I don't need a father. We've done fine without him for a century and he can just go back to where he came from if you ask me. He'll do it eventually, right? That's what he does. He leaves."

The anger leaves me as quickly as it invaded my system. Heartbreak and guilt are back.

"Vanessa," I murmur, stilling her frantic hands. "Sit down. Please, let's talk."

"There is nothing to talk about." She's trying so hard to stay strong, but I can hear the threatening tears in her voice. "I not going to hang around here and watch him hurt you all over again."

"Nessie—"

"There is nothing to talk about!"

"Then you can listen," I suggest, firmly taking her shoulders and patting the bed. Very reluctantly Ness struggles to get in to bed. This time she accepts my help. She gets propped up against the headboard and I sit at her feet.

"I know you're confused," I start. She won't meet my eye and she crosses her arms over her chest, looking like such a petulant child. I remind myself that there is a storm raging in my girl. "I know you have so many questions."

"How do you know that?" she spits out, tears finally falling down her face. I gently squeeze her foot because it's the nearest thing to me. I don't dare to hug her or provide any more comfort for fear that she'll throw me out and refuse to talk again. "Did the fucking mind reader tell you?"

"Ness!" I admonish.

"Did he?"

"Yes, he told me."

"It's gross and creepy. You tell him to stay out of my head!" she yells.

"Carlisle suggests reciting the Russian alphabet as an effective means to block his thoughts," I say. Ness actually smiles a small smile for a split second before frowning once more. She impatiently wipes the tears off her cheeks.

"I don't speak Russian," she mutters.

"I know this is so hard, Nessie. For all of us, this is so hard."

She takes a shaky breath and nods once. I take this as a sign to continue.

"I didn't know he still existed in the world until I found him again when we were in Alaska." Vanessa studies her hands in her lap, but I know she's listening. "Remember those three vampires we were going to meet? He was the one Tanya had a crush on."

Ness pulls a face but stays silent.

"I couldn't believe it. He was standing there, different but so much the same, and it felt like all my wildest dreams were coming true. I loved him so much, Nessie, and never really stopped."

She's crying again, the tears running silently down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you more about him. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to really let you get to know him through my memories," I murmur.

"You couldn't even speak his name," she whispers.

"It hurt."

"This hurts."

I move to hug her, to get closer, but she puts up a hand, indicating that I need to stay put.

"Keep going," she says.

"He didn't remember me, Vanessa," I confess. My stomach twists up as I go on. "He still doesn't really remember anything specific. We think it had to do with his injuries when he turned. He really did die in the Great War, Ness. That just wasn't the end of the story."

I pause, giving Nessie a moment to process this and calm down. She breathes deep and evenly, concentrating on relaxing her tense body. She hasn't looked at me since I started with this.

"Keep going," she murmurs.

"All this time he's been a nomad. He's existed in this world for the last century with no memory of his human life, with no idea who we were," I explain. "He's been so lonely."

Nessie's breath hitches. More tears fall. I keep rubbing her foot.

"I didn't know what to do," I admit, thinking back to how badly I handled everything in the beginning. Not that I've gotten much better at handling any of this. "It hurt so much. It felt like I lost him all over again. He had no idea who I was, but he was drawn to me anyway, like a deeply buried part of him knew. He ended up coming down to Forks with me."

"He been here before?" she asks. "While I was at camp, he was here?"

"Not for very long. Less than a day. We were getting to know each other and he saw my locket."

"You let him open it?"

"Yes. I wanted to help him remember. I wanted him to remember what we once meant to each other."

I give Ness another few minutes to digest this.

"Keep going," she says.

"Well, he completely freaked out," I say with a rueful chuckle. "He left, ran off into the woods. I didn't see him for a week. While he was gone I went to visit you."

Nessie makes a disgusted sound low in her throat. Anticipating her anger, I try to explain.

"He have left," I say, anticipating the issue she'll have with this part of our story, "but he always comes back. And his leaving days are really over."

Nessie snorts.

"I wanted to tell you, Vanessa," I insist. "I really did, but I couldn't get into it with you, not with him gone. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you any pain. If he wasn't going to be around, I wasn't going to tell you."

"And you're so sure he'll be around now?" she hisses, sounding far more vampire than human. It's so alarming, coming from my sweet mannered baby girl.

"Yes."

Nessie makes a skeptical sound.

"Keep going," she says.

"After a week of processing all this, dealing with the shock, he came back with many questions. He wanted to know who he was before. He wanted me to give him a history and identity. That's why we went to Chicago. I wanted him to see where we lived together and all the possessions I kept from that time. I'd hoped it would jog some memory but…"

I trail off, feeling blue again.

"But we're not important enough to remember," she whispers.

"Oh, honey, no," I say, rubbing soothing circles on her unharmed calf. It's irrational, being as I didn't have the faintest clue I was pregnant till long after Edward died, but some part of my daughter is hurt that he doesn't remember her, or even the possibility of her. "It's not his fault. He wants so badly for the memories I show him to be his own."

"What do you mean?"

I explain about the method I've been using to show Edward our past.

"Keep going," she says.

"We've been going in chronological order," I explain. "I started with our lives as humans. I told him about your grandparents and growing up in Chicago. I showed him the memory of him leaving for France, of him dying, of me dying, and finally of you."

"Me?"

"Of course, baby girl," I say, wanting so badly to wrap my arms around her. If she would even just glace at me it would make this all so much easier. "You are by far the most important part of this saga."

She sniffles.

"When did you tell him about me?"

"Four days ago," I say, feeling guilty for not telling him sooner.

"That's all?" she says with a gasp. "He's known about me for four days? Four days?"

"That's all," I say with a solemn nod. "Alice said it would be easiest on him if we went slowly. This is all unbelievable and new for him too."

Nessie snorts again, but I'm not sure why.

"I know you thought last night that I might have kept him from you, that he might have known about you—"

"Geeze, Mom," she mutters. "I'm not an idiot. Why does he tell you that stuff? I only thought all that because I was upset. You couldn't have really kept him from me for long. I know that now."

"The last two weeks have been hard enough," I agree. "I did try to get as close to the truth as I could, Ness. Everything I told you about my friend from my human life was true."

"Yeah, except when you called him a friend."

I wince because she's damn right.

"He just wants to know you, Vanessa," I murmur. This quiet statement proves too much for my daughter. Although I managed to calm her down as I explained, she gets upset all over again after I speak.

"Well I don't want to know him!" she spits out, sounding unnaturally nasty. "He can just go back to where he came from, for all I care. I don't need a father. I don't need anymore family. Everything is perfect without him. He needs to leave so everything can get back to normal!"

I sigh, hoping we made progress. But Edward told me to give it time and really, Nessie hasn't had much of it yet. All I can do is pray that she'll eventually come around.

"Things will never be the same, baby," I say. She sniffs loudly. I keep stroking her leg. "Change is upon us. He's here, Ness. Nothing is going to be the same again. It's going to be better."

The tears really start in earnest now, and I feel like a terrible mother.

"I don't want him," she insists, pounding a fist into the mattress at her side. It breaks my heart, but I steady myself, vowing to deal with this like a proper mother. For one moment there, Nessie was really listening to me and understanding. Now she's back to being stubborn and crazy. "I'm going to Jake's. I refuse to live here with him when I want nothing to do with him."

I reach over, dumping out all of the clothes she carefully folded onto the floor. Amidst her loud but useless protests, I rip the suitcase to shreds.

So much for being a proper mother.

Nessie looks at me for the first time in a long time to fix me with a chilly glare.

"You'll live here in this home with your family," I say, sounding far more calm than I feel. Nessie's eyes go wide. It's not often I talk to her like this, with such scary authority that seems inherent to my vampire side. "Your father won't be staying here."

"Oh," Ness says, air leaving her lungs in a rush. I can't tell if she's relieved or disappointed. "Good. I never want to see him again."

"He's staying at the cabin."

Ness actually growls.

"Listen," I say, willing myself not to get mad. She's my daughter and I love her, but I hate the way she's rejecting Edward. That's really my fault, not hers. "You have every right to be upset, Vanessa. You have every right to feel how ever you feel about all this. You are allowed to be sad and angry and cautious when it comes to your father, but you will stay in this home. There will be no more leaving in this family."

"He's not family, Mom," she insists. "He's a stranger."

"Not to me," I reply. "And you have more in common with him than you know."

Ness snorts once more.

"All I ask is that you try," I say, basically begging now. "Just try to get to know him. He's not going anywhere, Ness. We are his family, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. He'll be around, Vanessa, waiting forever to get to know you if that's what it takes."

"I don't want to," she hisses.

I take a deep breath, trying to not be heartbroken.

"Okay," I say, sounding remarkably calm. "I'm not going to try to force you into anything."

"Then make him leave."

This constant theme of hers is making me angry, but I push it down, trying to look at things from her perspective. Edward's right. Vanessa is very against change, and this is a big one.

My daughter has always been so happy and wise. She has been in this world for ninety-five years so it's very easy to forget that developmentally speaking, she is a thirteen year old. In this moment, she is acting every bit the pubescent little pre-teen.

Are humans this horrible at thirteen? I'll have to ask Carlisle.

"No," I say simply. "I don't want him to leave and he doesn't want to leave. You don't have to interact with him at all, but he's staying, Vanessa."

She closes her eyes and reaches out to touch me, sending a little of her fear and panic into my head. She finally lets me hug her then, for a full minute before she makes me leave.

"I'm tired," she says, pushing me out of her bed. "I'm going back to bed."

Time. Edward is sure that she just needs time. Luckily, time is the one thing we have plenty of.

* * *

**Yeah, she's a ninety-five year old pre teen who hates change. I myself was a pretty wack 13 year old who cried when my dad got rid of his old car. Just sayin'.**


	15. Middle C

**Dang, some of you sure are harsh on Nessie, but yeah she's acting like a brat. I got a real kick out of what some of you were like at 13. Thanks for sharing.**

**So this is a long one and parts are fluffy (for me anyway). I think you'll like it. I thought about splitting it into two chapters, but you guys deserve some nice stuff for all the angst you've put up with from me.**

**You guys are the best. Seriously, thanks for much for the reading and reviewing and such.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Oh, and dowlingnana got this chapter back to me after only a couple of hours. How crazy awesome is that?**

* * *

It seems impossible, but things settle down. Summer ends, we return to school, and Nessie avoids Edward like the plague. It drives me absolutely mad, and most days I have to force myself to keep from lecturing her until she gives him a chance.

Thankfully, she tones down the bratiness. Her irrational anger is replaced by extreme caution which is far preferable, but whenever I attempt to have a conversation with her she goes silent.

Edward calms me down, kissing my temple and murmuring "time" in my ear.

His patience is truly remarkable. I try to understand Nessie's feelings, but I just can't. I don't get it. Not like Edward does.

Every night after I hear our daughters breathing even out after bedtime, I find myself at the cabin with Edward. After decades of hearing just how my family members spend their long, sleepless nights, I get a little of the joy myself.

I remain wracked with guilt because there is still so much he doesn't know. Often I tell him that he'll change his mind about being with me like this when he finds out. He asks if I'm ready to tell him. I shake my head violently. He kisses me and I stop worrying. His pull is irresistible.

I'll tell him eventually, when things with Nessie stabilize.

Edward spends most of his days reading or listening to music. In his century as a nomad he rarely had the opportunity to enjoy the arts, and he revels in it now.

School away from him is almost unbearable, but concocting a cover story to get me out of it would be too much of a pain and would prevent me from being seen around town. It would keep me from taking Ness out and about.

In the first month of the new school year, we form a routine. Things almost feel normal. I spend my nights with Edward before sneaking back to the big house in time to get Nessie up and ready for school. She showers while I do my homework. I hate homework, even if it takes me a total of ten minutes to complete. Nessie and I work side by side in the kitchen to assemble her lunch. I drop her off at school before meeting Alice and Jasper at the high school. Rose and Em graduated last spring, the lucky bastards.

They were planning on living in Europe for a while. Edward's reappearance changed their plans.

I watch the clock all day, counting the seconds until I can go home and be close to Edward. On auto pilot, I manage to chat with Jessica Stanley and shut down Mike Newton's flirtation.

The final bell rings and I speed home. Ness is on the cross country team, and doesn't get back until dinner time. It gives me a few hours to hunt with my husband. Sometimes I show him a happy memory of Nessie or from our human time. Sometimes we just talk.

Jake brings Nessie home by 5:30 and I'm there to greet her. She hugs me and tells me about her day as I watch her cook dinner with Esme. After dinner is homework time. I sit at the kitchen table with Nessie, reading while she does her homework. Occasionally she needs help, but it's not often. Nessie has been repeating eighth grade for years.

The remainder of the evening is spent with the family and Jake, who hangs around through dinner almost every day. I'm still angry at him, even if that is unfair. He teases me and I smile, glad that he'll always be my friend, even if I still want to kill him half the time.

I suggest we invite Edward as we hang out or play board games or watch TV. Nessie just shakes her head. I sigh and Carlisle looks on at me with pity.

Jake heads back to the reservation when Ness heads up for bed. I lay down on top of Vanessa's covers, waiting for her as she putters around in the bathroom doing some human things. Eventually she crawls in next to me, turning off the light. Every once in a while she'll complain that she's too old to be tucked in at night, but she has yet to kick me out. I think she likes our little tradition as much as I do.

Some nights we chat quietly until she drifts off. Some nights Ness asks me to sing. It's been years since she's had me read to her.

She drifts off into dream land, and I run through the forest, to Edward.

He greets me at the front door, pulling me off the ground and into his arms. He tells me how much he misses me. I let myself be really, truly, utterly happy.

During our nights together Edward has to give me at least three pep talks about our daughter. I have to give him at least three pep talks too, assuring him that I'll love him forever.

Even if he can't love me when he learns everything.

It's hard because we're still not quite a family. Edward is very good at reminding me that we have all the time in the world.

The lack of progress is maddening, but then, one Sunday Nessie and I arrive home from picking up a few things in Port Angeles to find Edward seated in the living room with my brothers and Jake, watching football. This is a standard Sunday afternoon for my brothers, and Nessie often joins them, inexplicably loving the human sport as much as her uncles do.

Nessie freezes for a moment, but remains silent. She doesn't demand he leave, but she doesn't return his greeting at all. She sits next to Jake, stealing some of his snack food.

I loiter in the kitchen, watching them but attempting to appear as if I'm not.

It becomes apparent very quickly that Edward is just about hopeless when it comes to understanding the rules, and Nessie actually explains a few of the finer points to him.

They don't interact much, but Edward comes back every Sunday. She speaks a little more during each game.

It's something. Maybe Edward really is right about this give it time business.

* * *

"Edward!" I say through my giggles. He pushes me firmly into the thick trunk of the tree. "We're supposed to be hunting!"

It's a rare sunny day, forcing my siblings and me to stay out of school. The town thinks Carlisle pulls us out of class to go camping and enjoy the sun outdoors. Given the way Edward and I have spent the day, it isn't too big of a lie.

"I'm not hungry," he murmurs against my lips. Edward grinds against me, causing the wood behind us to crack and splinter. A moan builds low in my throat; "Not for blood anyway."

He kisses me again and I run my hands down his back, slipping them under the hem of his t-shirt and digging my fingers into his skin to pull him closer. He nips at my lower lip, kissing me hard three times before parting my lips with his. I receive his tongue with relish, hitching a leg up around his waist in an attempt to pull him closer.

I wonder how far he plans to go with this sexy little interlude. This will be our fifth time of the day. After finally dragging ourselves out of bed to hunt, I stepped into the sunshine. Edward liked the sparkle and here we are all over again.

We are both insatiable these days. I constantly want him. Besides Nessie, this is all I think about all day long. I really torture myself, and by the time I get to the cabin I'm ready to explode.

Will it last? Oh, I hope it lasts because nothing in my existence has felt this good.

With strong hands digging into my hips he lifts me off my feet, pushing me more firmly into the tree. I lock my ankles behind his back as he attempts to lift my green sweater and expose more skin.

He touches me everywhere and then works the snap of my jeans. Guess he's pretty serious.

I try to ignore the whiff of wet dog and paws on damp soil, but it gets more difficult the closer they get. When they get close enough for Edward to hear their thoughts my husband lets out a curse as he begrudgingly sets me on the ground.

"Fucking, wolves," he mutters.

"Oh, poor Edward," I tease as I right my clothes. "He only got to have sex four times today."

Edward gives me a smirk that has my limbs shaking. The wave of lust hits me hard, and I have to lean against the tree again for a moment. He looks so alive and appealing when he stares at me like that.

"The day is young, love," he whispers in my ear. His breath tickles my skin as I shudder.

Edward cocks his head to the side and I know he is listening to the thoughts of the approaching wolves. There are three of them, probably Jake, Embry, and Quill. They are only the three left still shifting of the original wolf pack we encountered the first time in Forks.

"Who are they?" Edward asks. He attempts to help me straighten my clothes, but ends up caressing me instead. With a frustrated huff, I bat his hands away.

"I'm not sure," I say, unable to stop staring at his jaw. He stays so close to me. It would be easier to think if he took a step back: "Definitely Jake."

"Yes," he agrees. "The other two want to meet me. They are wary. Think I might eat people: Something about a treaty? This is crazy, it's like they are all in one head."

"Yeah, that's some wolfy communication thing they do," I reply. "And you really can't eat people. We signed this treaty with the wolf men last time we lived here. If we don't bite anyone, they won't attack us."

Things have come a long way with the Quileute's since then, but the eating people thing would put a big damper on our friendship.

"I won't eat anyone," he says giving me a withering look.

"Well, good," I murmur, standing on my tip-toes to kiss him again. It's brief, ending far too quickly when a stupid, idiotic shape shifter interrupts.

"Gross!"

I peek around Edward and hiss at Jake in human form. He's just pulling on his tattered jean cut offs. I hear the other two doing the same behind Jake, hidden in the trees. They at least have some modesty.

"You're gross," I mutter like the 115 year old mother that I am. Edward chuckles as he turns to face my friend.

"Hello, Jacob," he manages even though it remains a struggle to be civil to the man who has a claim on our daughter.

"Ed," Jake replies with a head nod. Quil and Embry emerge from the woods, flanking Jake. The three of them are quite the picture with their massive arms crossed over massive bare chests.

"Hey, guys," I say, grinning at them. In the last seventy years they've done so much for my family. As long as they keep shifting into wolf form, they don't age. Even after all this time they act like big kids. It is constant ribbing and rough housing with this trio.

"Hi, Bella," Quil says with an enthusiastic wave. I can tell he wants to rush closer and hug me as he usually does, but he won't come any nearer to Edward, not in human form. With the exception of Jake, the other wolves are extremely wary of unknown vampires.

"Sup, Bells," says Embry, sizing up Edward. My husband watches them with narrowed eyes, fists clenched at his sides. Whatever these three boys are thinking, Edward doesn't like it. "What are you doin' in the woods? Just… hangin' out?"

Edward growls. I sigh. Jake elbows Embry and Quil smirks.

"Embry, Quil," I continue, ignoring the fact that the three of them know just what we were up to moments ago. It certainly can't be the first time they've caught vampires banging in these woods. "This is Edward."

They both nod tersely but stay silent.

"Nessie's bio daddy," Jake adds unnecessarily.

"How the fuck does that work?" demands Embry. There is no way this is the first time they are having this discussion, and I would rather not get into it now.

"Come on, Embry. Surely you don't need me to sit you down and explain the birds and the bees. Do you?" I tease.

He scowls at me as the other boys laugh at him. Edward looks at me, raising a questioning eyebrow. I just shrug. Sometimes jokes are the only thing to work with the pack.

"So no school today, huh?" Jake muses. "Do you still want me to get Ness? She doesn't have anything after school today."

"Sure," I say knowing full well that a change in the routine would disappoint Jake. He would spend every moment with my daughter if he could which is highly obnoxious, but just the way things are. "What are you guys doing out here?"

"We were running a patrol," Quil explains. "Got a whiff of you two and figured we should get to know the new guy's scent. Wouldn't want to hunt him down by accident, would we?"

Embry looks like that would be the ideal situation. I glare at him until he shifts uncomfortably. Edward chuckles.

"Guys, give me a minute," Jake mutters. The boys don't do a very good job of hiding their dismay, but they do as the alpha says, trotting off into the woods before changing back into wolf form. They continue to wander, but I think they remain out of hearing range.

"What's up, Jake?" I ask, genuinely perplexed.

"_Mr. Black_ has a message of sorts," Edward says.

"Message?" I ask, looking between the pair. They glower at each other, and I find it extremely annoying that I can't read Jake's thoughts, that I'm left in the dark.

After glaring at my husband for another long moment he turns to look at me. Jake sighs heavily and rubbing his palms over his face. For the first time I notice how tired he is.

"There have been a couple disappearances in Port Angeles," Jake mutters, unable to look me in the eye. Edward is tensed next to me, and I understand where my friend is going with this, but I don't believe it.

I would know.

"Not even that suspicious but enough to have us checking it out."

"Vampire?" I ask.

Jacob shrugs his massive shoulders. "By the time we got down there the rain had washed everything away."

"And you didn't tell us because?" I say, frankly a little pissed. We've been a team for such a long time, the Cullen's and the wolves, that their actions feel like betrayal.

"You've been busy," he mumbles in reply, eyes darting quickly to Edward.

"They think it might be me," Edward says, as if I didn't get that already.

"It's one theory," Jake says unapologetically.

"Look at his eyes," I murmur. "He didn't kill anyone. I'd know. We're never apart long enough for me not to know."

Jacob must think something particularly terrible because Edward growls and takes a lurching step forward. I put a restraining hand on his elbow as Jake drops into a defensive crouch, ready to change.

"Guys, come on," I say, having no patience for this pissing contest. "Let's keep it civil."

"I have done nothing to you, Jacob," Edward spits out the name as if it's a foul taste on his tongue. "Despite my every instinct, I have yet to harm you."

"He really doesn't deserve your anger, Jake." My werewolf friend throws me a withering glare. I bite my lip to keep from saying more. Edward doesn't need me to fight this battle. I'll do what I can to keep it from getting physical, but nothing more.

Plus, everyone around me seems to understand Vanessa's reaction to her father. I don't get it so I really just need to stay out of it.

"Your presence upsets Nessie," Jake says as if it's really that simple. And to him I guess it is. "I don't like you and I certainly don't trust you."

Edward's eyes bore into Jake's forehead. My husband grimaces.

"I'm not going to hurt her, Jacob," he murmurs. "And I really didn't know, about Bella or our lives as humans or our daughter. You may not know me or trust me, but you do know and trust Bella."

Edward reaches out for my hand.

"He didn't know, Jake," I confirm. "And he still doesn't remember."

Jake sighs heavily for the second time and nods once. "I don't like you," Jacob repeats. "And I totally get why you don't like me. The whole imprinting thing takes some time to get used to."

I snort. Jake shoots me a rueful smile before continuing.

"I've tried but… well, she isn't talking about it, really. I won't push her, but if she brings it up then I'll encourage her to talk to you, to get to know you and everything."

Jake shuffles around uncomfortably. I grin at him because there are reasons I like him. In this moment he's being so wonderfully Jake.

"Thank you," Edward replies, sounding like he actually means it.

Jake nods. Things get tense.

"Okay," Jake says, retreating back into the forest. "This is getting weird. I'll see you later." And then he's gone, pulling his shorts off as he leaves. We wait the few minutes it takes for Jake to run out of hearing range.

"So that went well," I comment.

"I don't like him," Edward assures me.

"Okay." Like I didn't already know that.

"Imprinting is creepy."

"So creepy."

"But he really does care for her," he says, running a hand through his hair. "And there is nothing disgusting in his thoughts. How do I hate a guy so concerned with my daughter's safety?"

I laugh. "Yeah, he'll get you that way. Before you know it he's your best friend."

"He's your best friend?" Edward asks, rising an eyebrow at me.

"You're my best everything," I assure him as I wrap my arms around his waist. He chuckles and tucks my hair behind my ears.

"Good save, Isabella," he says, lowering his mouth to mine.

I enjoy his kiss for a moment before pulling away.

"Should we get back to it, then?" I ask as he slowly backs me up into the tree trunk.

"Just what does it look like I'm doing?" he asks, fingers fisting in my hair.

"We're supposed to be hunting," I remind him. My back hits bark, and his hand fists in my hair. "Hunting, Edward." My voice is far too breathless to be taken seriously.

"Later," he lowers his mouth to mine, but a final thread of sanity has me turning my head, giving him the cheek even as my hands dig into his hips.

"We have to go before tomorrow," I insist. "You can't go to school with eyes like that."

I gaze into his dark orbs and totally lose my train of thought.

"Before tomorrow," he agrees.

His lips find mine. I wrap my legs around his waist as he lifts me off the ground. He presses into me, and there is no more reason for thought at all.

* * *

Nessie always goes into such vivid detail when telling me what she did at school. She always attempts it first with words, but usually gets frustrated and reaches out to touch skin and show me. I imagine this is what it's like for Edward when I touch his skin and extend my shield fully.

Last Sunday she replayed me a silly little memory of her classmate falling while attempting to kick a football, Charlie Brown style. Edward watched with awe, seeing her gift in action.

Tonight, Nessie shares her boredom and frustration with the eighth grade. She's been in middle school for decades now, but wants to make the leap to high school. She could easily pass for a ninth grader, but after things get dicey.

"Are we going to move next year?" she asks, giving me my own sight back. We sit facing each other on her bed, with her propped up against her pillows. I light a few candles and the night feels quiet.

"I have absolutely no idea, Vanessa," I reply as I trace patterns on her blue and green quilt. Alice made it eons ago. "We're already on year three here. We'll have to move on soon."

Nessie's lack of human aging is much more apparent than the rest of us. Human children grow so much so quickly.

"Please," she begs, grabbing my hands. "Just let me do one more year of high school. I might not get another chance for years."

I sigh.

"You know, it's really not that great." It seems both Vanessa and Edward are badgering me to let them attend the high school. High school, of all things to want. It's very odd.

"But I actually have friends," Ness argues. "And it would be all new to me. I want to learn new stuff, Mom. Middle school is easy and terrible."

"I'm sure you know it all already," I point out.

"Please, Mom! Just say you'll think about it. Say you'll talk to Carlisle."

"Okay," I reply because I've never been very good at denying her anything. "I'll talk to Carlisle. But next year is a long way off." I don't tell her that I've fantasized about traveling with her father. I would never leave her behind, so chances are she'll go to high school next year and we'll be in Forks a little longer.

"You're not the only one who wants to go to high school," I tell her.

"What do you mean?" she asks with a giggle. "Are you telling me you actually like it now or something?"

"Absolutely not," I reply. "It's your dad."

Nessie tenses up and I can see her shutting down the conversation as she usually does when I bring up this particular subject.

"It's Edward," I amend, knowing the word "dad" freaks her out. "He's going to shadow me tomorrow. See if he can handle it. I guess he's been quite bored during the days. One can only read so many books, I suppose."

Nessie just nods, crawls under the covers, and blows out the candles. She makes it clear that we're done for the night. I sigh and lean over to kiss her good night, but I stop abruptly when she speaks again.

"He's been killing people for the last ninety-five years, hasn't he?" she asks into her pillow. I reach out to rub soothing circles on her back because this really is so painfully hard.

"I'm afraid so," I murmur, my heart breaking for all three of us. "He knew no other way."

"Carlisle managed to figure it out," she says, hiding her face in her pillow.

"And I think that control just might be Carlisle's gift," I say. I've done my very best to keep her innocent to the gruesome aspects of this unlife, but sheltering her was hard when Emmett came home drenched in blood, unable to resist the call of a singer. She knows. "You know how hard it was for Emmett in the beginning. Look how Esme struggled and Jasper continues to. We're meant to be killers, Vanessa, and most find it very hard to fight nature if they even try at all. Nessie, he really didn't realize there was another choice."

"There's always a choice."

I make a noncommittal sound because I understand what she means, but the world rarely works the way we think it should. I certainly don't have a choice when it comes to Aro.

"He was murdering people instead of being with us," she says. I smell and hear her tears.

"He really didn't know about us, baby girl." I'm going to keep saying this until she believes it. "And now that he does know, he'll always choose us."

Well, he'll always choose Ness. Of this I'm positive.

Nessie sobs and lets me wrap her up in my arms. I wish I could join in her crying, but I'm only able to provide what comfort I can with my cold, hard body. It takes her nearly half an hour of clutching at me for her to calm down.

"I'm tired now, Mom," she says, rolling away from me and snuggling down in her bed. "I think I'll sleep now."

"Do you want me to stay?" I ask, stroking her hair.

"No," she says, sounding like she's almost achieved sleep already. "I'm just sleeping."

"Okay, baby girl," I murmur, leaning closer to give her a kiss. "I love you. More than the birds in the trees and the flowers."

"And I love you back."

* * *

"Remind me why you do this," Edward says as I pull into the high school parking lot.

"The younger we start the longer we can stay," Jazz replies from the back seat.

"It's for Carlisle, really," Alice elaborates. "The towns' folk like to know their doctors. Plus, it would really get the gossipers going when one of us went grocery shopping for Nessie. Since they're going to see us anyway we need to have a story."

I park but no one makes any move to get out of the vehicle.

"I get Alice and Bella pulling off high school," Edward says. "But you, Jasper, and especially Emmett; I mean, come on. Emmett?" I laugh because he sounds so painfully incredulous. "And what about me? I'm twenty. Well, sort of twenty. Right, Bella?"

"Right," I agree. Before I brought him to Chicago he didn't even know his birthday or how old he was when he turned. "Everyone will be too distracted by your hotness to notice your age."

"You're biased, Bella," he says, looking embarrassed.

"No, she's right," Jazz insists. The three of us give him funny looks and he rolls his eyes. "Not like that! I simply meant that humans do get distracted by our beauty."

Edward continues to look skeptical and I realize that he's nervous so I give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"They'll see what they want to see," I murmur. "Humans are very good at ignoring the extraordinary."

Edward gives me a sad little smile.

"Come on," Alice says, pushing open her door. "I don't want to be late."

And off we go.

* * *

Edward does not like school. I told him he wouldn't like school, with all the crazy teenagers with their crazy thoughts packed in such a small area. But he misses me when I'm here, and really, how amazing is it that he misses me?

I thought about dropping out, but a cover story would get too complicated if I want to be seen in town with Vanessa again.

We start the day by visiting Mr. Cope in administration. I'm forced to be a little bit charming to get Edward the okay to shadow me for the day. Apparently this is the sort of thing that one is supposed to set up in advance.

"Please, Mr. Cope," I ask, smiling brilliantly. The poor dazed human blinks a lot. Edward huffs and I get what I asked for.

"And what is your relationship with this young man?" He asks. Edward looks at me. He's all panicky and it's clear that he's not used to lying to the real people.

"He's Esme's little brother," I say, making this up off the top of my head. With all this talk of cover stories, it's pretty ridiculous that no one thought about giving one to Edward. "You know my foster mom, Mrs. Cullen. Anyway, Edward here wants to see small town life. He's tired of living in Seattle."

That does it. Mr. Cope is very against the big city and he rambles about the benefits of living in tiny Forks while I exchange smirks with Edward.

When the man finally takes a breath, he hands me a visitor's sticker with the name Edward Masen printed on it with near block words. Seeing his name right here, printed by the school administrator, does strange things to my cold, dead heart. With pain-staking slowness, I peel back the sticky paper and place it on his chest. Biting my lip, I smooth the nametag out.

Edward Masen. Right here with me. It's surreal.

Mr. Cope clears his throat loudly, startling me out of my moment. Edward grins down at me with that crooked, cocky smile that I love. I jump back, feeling embarrassed to get caught like this. For a tiny second, I actually feel like the teenager I'm playing here to my audience of Forkians.

"Off to class now, Miss Cullen," Mr. Cope says, shooing us. "Don't be late."

Giving the man one more smile and a cheerful "thanks Mr. C!" I drag Edward out of the office.

"I wanted to kill him," he declares.

"What?" I ask, alarmed. "Why? Are you hungry? Should we get you out of here?"

"No, of course not," he says with an eye roll. "He thought you were pretty."

I stifle a giggle because from my experience with high school boys, that's damn tame.

"You don't think I'm pretty?" I ask with mock offense. I pull on his hand to slow us down. The longer it takes to get to class the better, as far as I'm concerned. The halls are empty as we are late already.

Edward glances around before pushing me roughly into a row of lockers. We dent them, but I don't have it in me to particularly care. He kisses me within an inch of my sanity.

"What do you think?" he growls out against my lips.

"Aw," I say, breathless. "You are jealous of silly old Mr. Cope."

He rests his forehead against mine.

"You like me jealous," he whispers. "And I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?"

I smile and study his nametag, tracing it with my fingertips.

"Yes, you are," I murmur. "But I don't mind, my dear Edward Masen."

"That's me. Edward Masen."

"It sure is," I reply, feeling choked up even if that is a physical impossibility.

He's contemplating kissing me again – I've already decided to let him – when a squeak from the end of the hall makes the decision for us. I peek around my husband to see a gaping Angela Weber, the preacher's daughter.

"Hey, Ange," I say, smiling warmly. Of all the idiot children I've come to know here in Forks, she's my absolute favorite. I step out around Edward, moving towards my friend. Because that's what she is. As much a friend as she can be, given what I am. I sense Edward following me a step behind.

Angela nods in greeting, but can't seem to take her eyes off my husband.

Typical.

"This is Edward," I introduce. "Esme's kid brother. He's shadowing me for the day."

Edward huffs at my word choice, I'm sure.

"Wow," Angela says, shaking her head as if to clear it. "What is wrong with your family? Seriously, you're like Gods or super heroes or movie stars or something."

I laugh.

"Oh, we're decidedly not the good guys," Edward says, thoroughly confusing Angela.

"So class?" I suggest because this can't go anywhere good.

* * *

"Holy crap, Bella," Jessica Stanley says as we inch forward in the lunch line. I sent Edward to sit with Alice and Jasper while I get us a fake lunch. "Where did you get him?"

I stifle a sigh.

"Seriously, oh my god!" She clutches my arm and fans her flushed face. The blood rushes to her cheeks as she stares avidly at my husband. She smells good. I could totally end her life with the twitch of my finger. "I want him."

"Jess, I'm going to slap you and it will hurt."

She laughs like I'm kidding.

I watch Edward watching me. He can hear every word and every thought of the lame brained teen that stands next to me. He smirks, enjoying my irritation.

Eric Yorkie asked me to the school dance next weekend during third period. I am sure Edward sees this as some sort of twisted payback.

I imagine what it would feel like to decapitate her as she continues to babble about my husband's looks. She has a thousand questions – is he moving here? Does he like blondes? What's his number? —none of which I answer.

"So can I sit with you?" she asks when we pay for our lunches.

"No."

"Please, oh, please, Bella. Just do this one little thing for me and I'll owe you forever and I'll love you forever. If you like me even a little bit you'll do this one little thing for me."

"No."

I leave her pouting and slide into the chair next to Edward.

"Don't even say it," I demand before he can even open his mouth.

"I'm the mind reader here," he says with a chuckle. "You can't possibly know what I'm thinking."

"You want to say 'how does it feel, Bella? How do you like it?'"

Edward laughs and tucks my hair behind my ear.

"Okay, that was pretty close. I hate high school."

"I know you do. You are so totally not enrolling."

"But I want to be with you," he all but whines. "Everyone is thinking so many things. I want to kill a lot of kids."

I just sigh. No one ever listens to me. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. The high school freak show certainly takes a long time to get used to and that's without the added irritation that comes with his gift.

"Esme Cullen's little brother is so not going to start at Forks High," I say, rubbing his shoulder consolingly.

"That's a good one, Bella," Alice says, nodding her approval. "Esme's brother. It works. Their hair is definitely on the same spectrum color wise."

"Someone very short and very squirrely wants Bella to be his date for the dance," Edward informs my siblings. No one else in my family would ever have this problem. I'm obviously far too nice to the humans.

"Yorkie?" Jazz guesses. "That's got to be Yorkie."

Alice has a good laugh at my expense. It almost makes Edward smile so I don't mind being made fun of.

* * *

Mike Newton is lucky to be alive. He's been my biology partner since the beginning of the school year, and apparently our limited association has made him bold.

Edward and I sit next to each other on stools at a high science table near the back of the room. It's my usual seat. Edward replaces Mike. He talks quietly in my ear as we wait for class to start, and I rest a hand on his thigh, pleased to be able to touch him away from prying eyes for the first time today.

That's the worst part about Edward in school. I can't touch him like I want too, and it's making me feel a little bit crazy.

"Bella," I turn at the sound of my name, surprised to see Mike so close. Edward is too distracting.

"Hey, Mike," I reply.

"What's this?" he asks, nodding at Edward seated beside me.

"This is Edward." I've said this about three hundred times today. It's getting old. "He's shadowing me."

"Yeah, I know," Mike says. I don't like his tone. "The whole school knows. Why is he in my seat?"

Edward growls but its low enough only I can hear.

"He's shadowing me."

Mike and Edward have a little staring match. I stifle a sigh. This would be my whole day if Edward decided to enroll. Not exactly pleasant.

"Can we talk?" Mike Newton asks, stepping closer. I sit up straighter to put more space between us.

"Isn't that what we're doing now?" I ask, genuinely confused.

"In private."

"Uh… okay." I follow him to the corner of the room, just wanting to get this over with. Even standing with Mike, I'm totally focused on Edward, trying to make sure he doesn't lose it and go on a rampage or something.

Surely Alice would have seen that.

"So do you want to go to the dance with me?" Mike is saying. I blink a few times before I really get what is happening.

He asks me to the dance. Of course he asks me to the dance. This day is just getting better and better.

"No," I say, sounding just a little bit disgusted. He looks so sad and pathetic I decide to soften the blow. I think about Jess and her endless pleading for me to hook her up with Edward. "I actually have plans for the weekend. I'm going to Jacksonville."

Jacksonville? Where the fuck did that come from?

"Can't you go another weekend?" he whines. There is nothing remotely attractive about this squishy human.

"Nonrefundable ticket," I reply, sounding a little too happy about it. "You should ask Jessica," I suggest before turning back to Edward.

Mike Newton is a fucking idiot and lucky to be alive. The fool actually follows me back to the table and scowls down at Edward.

"Hey. Buddy, you're in my seat. Bella and I are partners."

I sigh. This is just totally unbearably.

"_Buddy_?" Edward spits out, looking at me for some kind of explanation. "_Buddy_?"

"I have no idea," I respond with a shrug. High schoolers baffle me.

"I'm serious, dude. Get the fuck out of my seat," Mike pushes.

Edward's fingers dig into the wood of the table, and I grab them in my own before he can completely destroy the thing.

"Seriously, _buddy_," Edward hisses. The venom in his voice is enough to have Mike taking a stumbling step backwards. I hear the human's heart rate accelerate and see his eyes dilate with fear. In this moment my husband looks absolutely murderous and not at all human. He is all vampire and for the first time I worry that he really can't handle this. Like in a slaughter the townsfolk kind of way. "You need to leave, Right now."

Mike wises up and does what he's told. In his haste to get away he actually takes down a desk.

I calm Edward down and he assures me that he can handle it. That he'll stay through the day. We study onions under a microscope, identifying the stages of mitosis.

"I know what that means," Edward says, staring intently at the microscope in the center of our table. "Mitosis, I know what that is."

"You're having a human moment!" I say, thrilled that at least one little good thing is coming from this absurd day. I situate the first slide and push the microscope right under Edward's nose. "Come on. Look at the slide. Figure it out."

"No, you're the student here," he says, pushing the stupid thing back towards me.

"Edward," I whine.

"Just look at it, Isabella."

I spend a millisecond studying the slide.

"Prophase," I declare. Edward glances from my face to the next slide so many times it becomes funny.

"Do you mind if I look?" he asks tentatively.

I bit my lip and shake my head, sliding the microscope back across the table towards him.

"It's prophase," he confirms, taking even less time to look at the thing than I did. "It's prophase! I knew that."

I attempt to contain my joy, afraid that he'll get scared off and refuse to continue this little exploration into his memory.

"Like I said," I tease.

He changes the slide with sure, nimble fingers.

"It's anaphase." He has more confidence this time. Again, I'm desperate to see if he's right although I'm already positive that he will be.

"Do you mind if I check?" I ask sweetly. He grins at me and slides the microscope back.

"Anaphase," I agree.

"Like I said." That smile of his makes me want to drag him to the floor and ravish him but somehow I refrain. He smirks as he jots down the answers.

He changes the slide again and peers into the scope.

"It's metaphase. Want to check it?" he asks. The way he smiles makes him look so young and alive. His excitement is infectious.

"No, I believe you," I murmur. I lay my head on his shoulder. He kisses my forehead and we finish the exercise.

We complete the lesson in half the time of any other pairing and win a golden onion. Humans are very strange to regard this as a prize, but I insist that Edward keep it.

* * *

"Oh, this is fucking unbelievable," Edward says as we trudge out to my car through the misty rain. This has felt like the longest day of my unlife for a variety of reasons. First, all the people have been extra annoying today. Second, all this barely touching Edward is making my head hurt.

"Oh, what now? What could it possibly be now?" I groan. We really need to get home so I can fuck him before helping my daughter with her homework.

Oh, that's unfortunate. Those two thoughts should not be in my head at the same time.

"Another one of your endless supply of suitors," he mutters. We approach my BMW and I see just what he's talking about.

Tyler Crowley's fucking van is idling directly behind my car, blocking me in.

"Is he really going to ask me to the dance?" I say, hating this.

"That is his intention," Edward mutters. I see Jasper and Alice standing by my car, scowling in the general direction of Tyler Crowley.

"Go hang out with my siblings," I say with a sigh. "I will take care of this, quickly, and then we can go home and have sex."

Jasper chuckles, I ignore him.

"Really," Edward asks, grinning crookedly.

"Yup," I pop the p and mentally undress him for a moment before we go our separate ways.

"What the fuck are you doing, Crowley?" I demand. All patience and kindness was sapped the first two times I said no.

"Waiting for you," he says, grinning as he pushes open the door of his beat up old van.

My siblings have always managed to cultivate an aura of inapproachability that I just can't seem to pull off. They come off as mysterious and unreachable. I come off as nice. Now more than ever I wish I worked a little harder at maintaining the fear that keeps the humans from searching us out.

"Do not get out of the car," I say, shutting the door with more force than is necessary. Tyler winces and I'm glad I didn't accidently break his leg. "Move. Please. I want to go home."

"Baby—"

Whatever the stupid kid was hoping to say gets lost when Edward's hand closes around his throat. In a blur my husband is at my side, dragging Tyler out of the vehicle and slamming him against the side of the van. Tyler attempts to cry out but Edward is cutting off his air.

I glance around desperately, trying to figure out if anyone is seeing this as Alice and Jasper move to flank me.

"Shit, Edward," I say, pulling on his arm. "Let him breathe."

With a feral growl Edward does as I request. Tyler bends over, coughing and sputtering. There is a slight person shaped dent on the side of the van now.

"I will kill you," Edward says with a hiss. Using the collar of Tyler's jacket, Edward hauls the poor boy upright and gets in his face once more. "I will end your measly existence if you even think about her again. Do not talk to her. Do not look at her. Bella is spoken for. Are we clear?"

Poor Tyler Crowley whimpers and nods. Edward holds him, looming over him for a moment, before letting him scurry back inside his van. He flies out of the parking lot a moment later.

"Okay, that was bad," Alice says. "I probably should have seen that. Bella, I hate that I can't always see you. Although I did get glimpses of Edward getting scary and in retrospect I should have mentioned it."

I punch Alice in the shoulder because she really can be stupid sometimes.

"We need to find out if anyone saw," Jasper says, immediately going into damage control mode.

"No one saw anything," Edward says as his body slowly begins to relax. He taps his forehead twice, indicating that he was monitoring those around us. "Believe it or not, I'm not a complete moron."

"Could have fooled me," Jasper mutters, crossing his arms over my chest. My brother values our safety above all else. It's not surprising that he's pissed.

"I'm sorry," Edward whispers, looking far more upset than even Jazz. "I'm so sorry. But the things he was thinking about doing to Bella were vile."

I grimace.

"We all make mistakes," Jasper says, relaxing. "We all struggle with control. I know better than anyone how hard it is. Try to do better."

And just like that Edward and Jasper's tentative friendship is repaired. My husband turns to me with wary eyes.

"Well," I declare succinctly. "Fork's high is certainly not getting another vampire student."

"No, high school is not for me," Edward begrudgingly admits. I know he wanted so badly to spend the days by my side: "Maybe in a couple decades."

I grin because it's such a relief, knowing he thinks this way. Knowing he thinks about the future as a family.

"Let's go home," I declare.

* * *

Edward pouts for a few days about his lack of control. He struggles with his irrational jealousy and his inability to ignore the humans around us. The boredom is the worst part. He's gotten to know Esme and Emmett while at home, but both have lives here. Esme designs stuff. Emmett spends the majority of his days in the garage with Rose.

Two days after the high school experience from hell the obvious solution hits me.

It takes me another week and a half to get everything set up and the piano delivered. I choose a room on the third floor with big windows for the music room. Alice was using it as a spare closet, but gladly helped me clean it out.

Edward hugs me for a full five minutes he is so delighted with my gift to him.

Pianos are crazy expensive. Who knew?

He'll spend his days in here from now on, composing and playing. The thought makes me smile.

* * *

"So where's Jake?" Nessie asks as we get home. I picked her up from school today.

"Embry needed him for something," I say, holding the front door open for her and then following her into the house. "I didn't ask questions."

"With the boys it's really best not to know."

I laugh because she sounds so grown up.

"Right you are, baby girl."

I watch her dump her backpack on the floor by the stairs and kick off her shoes.

"Hey," I say. "Someone could trip."

My daughter snorts but carefully places her shoes on a rack in the utility room anyway.

"So, do you have a lot of homework?" I ask. "Do you want to get started now?"

My daughter pauses in the hallway, ignoring me as she cocks her head to the side.

"What is that music?" she demands, whirling around to scowl at me. I'm a little surprised by her intensity.

"It's piano," I reply, unable to hide my grin. I love hearing him play. I should have got a piano in here the moment we arrived in Forks.

"Duh," says my charming daughter. "Where did it come from? Who's playing it?"

I probably should have warned her about this. Fuck, I'm stupid and so incredibly bad at dealing with my daughter when it comes to her father.

"I got it for your dad," I say with a sad smile. Nessie looks a little sick at the phrase. "I bought it for Edward. He was quite the player when we were alive. I thought it would be a good way for him to spend the days."

Nessie nods.

"He's like… really good," she mutters, studying her bare feet.

My heart feels like it's hammering around in my chest, even as it sits motionless. This is the first time Vanessa has willing discussed her dad.

"Do you want to go listen?" I ask.

She looks so torn. It seems like she'll never make a decision. I silently extend my hand. She only hesitates for a second before taking it and following me upstairs. Nessie makes us stop in the hall outside the room, around the corner and out of the view of the open door.

It's almost imperceptible, but I hear Edward's fingers falter briefly for a moment on the keys when he hears us on the second floor. He seems to understand that this moment requires him to keep playing and he does so flawlessly by the time we reach the third floor.

Nessie and I sit facing each other in the hall outside the room with our backs to opposite walls for two hours and twenty-three minutes.

* * *

Three days later I catch Nessie listening without me. She's closer this time. I see her wipe a tear from her eyes and she lets me hug her. She falls asleep against my side. When her breathing evens out Edward emerges. He watches me put her to bed longingly.

We don't talk about it, but things are changing.

* * *

Nessie listens to Edward play the piano several times a week for two whole months. I try not to be antsy but I want them to talk so badly. I bite my lip and watch and wait.

At the end of October I lurk in my bedroom, watching Nessie sit in the hall as she listens to her father play. The song is one he's been perfecting for the last few weeks. Surely, Nessie has surmised that it's about her.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done, but somehow I manage to stay in my room as Nessie gets up, approaches the music room, and turns back. She repeats this process three times before finally reaching the practically closed door.

Edward's music gets more desperate, but he keeps playing.

Our daughter closes her eyes, takes one more big breath, and pushes open the door.

I tip toe down the hall, needing to hear and see as much as I can.

The music trails off and Edward finishes off a song.

"Hello, Vanessa," he says, voice thick with emotion.

"Hi," replies my daughter, sounding so shy. "You're really good. I bet you know that."

"Thank you," Edward says. He clears his throat before continuing. I get closer to the door, and manage to see both of them. Edward has turned on the piano bench to face Nessie who loiters six feet behind him. She shuffles her feet and won't look at him. He drinks her up with his gaze. "I practice a lot."

"I know," she says with a giggle.

Suddenly Edward is panicky. "Have I disturbed you? I'll keep it down. I'm so –"

"No!" she yells, interrupting him. The passion of her reply seems to surprise both of them, but not me. Edward may understand Nessie's wariness, but I still know my daughter. She's been uncharacteristically quiet about this whole thing, and I know there is much lurking under the surface. "I mean… I like it. If you want to play you should play."

It's obvious that there is something she wants to say, but she goes quiet. I think about stretching out my shield to tell Edward what I think she wants, but realize that this is something he needs to navigate on his own.

He gets it anyway, a few seconds later.

"You like the piano?" he asks. Nessie nods vigorously in response. "Come," Edward says, swallowing thickly. "Let me teach you."

He scoots over, leaving her room.

Nessie hesitates for so long, I'm afraid she'll flee the room, but instead she takes a tentative step forward, followed by another. It seems like an eternity, but eventually Nessie's ends up right next to her father, sliding into the seat next to him.

I'm so overcome with joy my knees buckle.

"Have you played before?" he asks.

"No," she murmurs.

"Can you read music?" he asks.

"Yes," she says. "I sing."

"Perfect," Edward says, relaxing as he talks about one of the only things he remembers from his human life. "This is middle C."

Nessie's finger strikes the note and I make my retreat.

This is their time. Finally.

* * *

**Yeah, I really entertained myself going cannon crazy in the second half of the chapter. And look, progress! Trust me, my dearies, all will be well. Eventually.**

**I think I've going to give you one more fluffy chapter before we get back to the angsty stuff. **

**Happy New Year! See you in 2013!**


	16. The Meadow

**Okay as promised more fluff. This is going to be the last chapter for a few weeks. I need some time to get the next section of the story organized and written so I don't end up leaving you with too many terrible cliffies for long.**

**Anyway, I love you all so very, very much for making this such a positive experience. I'm having a blast writing vampires, even if I am pretty much constantly breaking my own heart here.**

**Donna is great and I don't own anything.**

* * *

"We only have a few hours before Vanessa will be awake," Edward murmurs as he traces the bumps of my spine with his fingertips. The sensation has me smiling, my lips moving against his chest. I feel a little shiver go through him.

I've been sprawled out on top of him in front of the fire in the cabin for a long while now. I'm sated and warm and so blissfully happy it seems a little scary, but I enjoy the closeness anyway.

"Think we have time for one more go?" Edward murmurs. "If we make it quick?"

"Oh, the romance " I giggle, the laughter moving my body in deliciously interesting ways against his body. Edward shifts, letting me feel him ready yet again on this seemingly endless night.

Or morning now, I suppose.

Damn.

"Bella."

"It's already past nine," I protest weakly.

"Oh, and just what do you plan to do today? Surely you are not going into that goddamn high school on Saturdays now." He continues to move against me and I have a hard time understanding the words coming out of the mouth that really would be put to a much better use kissing me.

"Sun's out," I manage when I remember that we are sort of having a conversation here. "Nessie will want to do something outdoorsy."

Edward pauses, his hands stilling as they cup my ass. I resist the urge to wiggle around, but we are talking about our child here and that would probably be creepy.

"Do you think I'll be able to join you?" he whispers. We both want this so bad and it makes my heart ache.

"Maybe," I whisper back, my tone and volume matching his. "She sure does love her piano lessons."

"As do I," he says with a brilliant smile. "She's so gifted, but even if she wasn't I'd treasure our time together beyond everything else. Well, almost everything else."

"I told you she'd come around given the time," I tease.

Edward snorts, rolls his eyes, and tilts his head to kiss me. I melt into him, vaguely irritated at our skin for forming any barrier between us at all. All rational thought leaves my head as my fingers weave through his crazy bronze curls.

I let out a whimper as he abruptly flips us, rolling me onto my back and pinning my body to the blanket beneath us with his long, lithe frame. My teeth sink into his lower lip, eliciting a groan from him.

He cups me where I absolutely need him most, his long, talented fingers slipping into me. He pumps slowly, his palm rubbing rhythmically in a way that makes my long dead heart feel like it's beating once more. I arch off the ground, desperate for more.

I'm always desperate for more with Edward.

Between my pants I manage to kiss him for a long moment before his lips move down the column of my throat. His teeth scrape against my skin, biting that one spot that has my whole body tensing.

"Edward," I say with a whimper, begging him for something only he can give me.

My desperation makes me impatient, and I dig my fingers into his hips for a moment. He groans as I touch him, running my hands over his length briefly before lining us up. He hitches my legs high up on his hips before sinking into me.

It's still for a moment, his forehead against mine and the only sounds are our combined ragged breathing. He still does this sometimes. He stays still inside me as if he needs a moment to convince himself I'm real.

I wriggle under him, desperate for him to move and frustrated by the way his stillness teases me. He lets out a contented sigh, before drawing out and thrusts back into me with so much speed I let out a sound that is a combination of a surprised squeak and a lustful groan.

The pace he sets is demanding, but it takes us no time at all to find a pleasurable rhythm. It's always so inconceivably good, and my whole world seems to focus down to just the miracle that is Edward here with me.

Almost, anyway.

We both stop abruptly at the sound of little feet on the path leading to the cabin from the big house.

Edward sighs and rolls away, allowing me to scramble up and prepare the place a little.

"I'll pick up the clothes, you take care of that blanket," I instruct, following the trail of pants, skirts, and shoes to the front door. Last night Edward was waiting right in the entryway. Not a word was exchanged until long after he ripped off my clothes and dragged me down to the carpet by the fire.

It was obviously awesome, but now we have some clean up to do.

I dump the clothes on our bedroom floor to be dealt with later. Edward does the same with the blanket I dragged off the bed some time last night. We both retire to the obscenely large closet. It is now stocked with clothes more to my taste and less to Alice's.

We stare at each other as we select our attire.

"This isn't over," he practically growls as he pulls a pair of jeans over his hips.

I smirk as I wiggle into a black bra and panties set. "Is that a promise, Mr. Masen?" I ask, my voice low and husky. I flip my hair over my shoulder and stare at him from under my eyelashes because I know he likes that.

Edward catches my chin between his fingers, yanking my face towards his. Our gazes smolder.

"It's a damn guarantee, Mrs. Masen."

I suck in a sharp breath and my eyes go wide with shock as Edward slowly lets his hand drop to his side. He looks so adorably confused by the words that just left his own mouth.

This is his first acknowledgement on his part of our marital status.

"It's a memory moment, a human moment," I explain, feeling giddy. I clutch his arm and bounce excitedly on the balls of my feet. "After we got married you rarely called me anything else. You like to remember that I was yours in every way."

He smiles now and reaches out to stroke my cheek. I close my eyes as he kisses my forehead, leaning into his touch. We hear the familiar fluttering heartbeat and the front gate opens. When I open my eyes again Edward is pulling on a sweater and disappearing from my view.

"You've got feathers in your hair," he calls from the living room.

Puzzled by this statement, I quickly dress in jeans and a sweater, much like Edward, before moving to a full-length mirror. I shudder at my image, horrified to see my head looking like a chicken.

I hear Edward open the front door so I'll just have to ask him about this hair and feathers situation later. Still, I can't help but grin to myself as I begin to pluck. I go slowly, like human slow, wanting to give my husband and our daughter a few moments alone.

"Hey, Edward," she says sounding much more enthusiastic than I thought possible even a few weeks ago. I listen to them high five all things and I can't stop grinning.

"Good morning, Vanessa," he says. "Up a little early for a Saturday aren't we?"

She collapses down onto the couch. Edward settles himself into the armchair across from her as I keep on plucking.

"Tell me about it," Nessie replies with a groan. "But Aunt Alice says that this is going to be like the last sunny day for like a million years, so I had to get moving."

Edward chuckles at out daughter's dramatizations.

"Ah, I see."

"But I still want a lesson tonight, okay? I can't miss any lessons if I don't want to be crappy forever," She says.

"You are decidedly not crappy, Vanessa. Far from it. I assure you."

Nessie giggles. "You talk funny," she declares.

"Thank you."

"Is my mom here? Because she wasn't at home and she comes here at night right?" she asks.

Aw, crap. And I thought I was doing such an excellent job sneaking around. Guess Nessie has known for a while, where I spend my nights.

"I…um…er…" Edward stutters for a moment, and I pull the last few feathers out of my hair, deciding to save my husband.

"Ah," Edward says when I emerge. "Here she is."

"Hey, baby girl." I glide into the seat at Nessie's side. I kiss her forehead. "How did you sleep?"

"Better than you did," she quips, really hamming it up. This is one of her favorite jokes as no one in her family can sleep, but it makes Edward uncomfortable given what we did last night. He lets out a frantic little giggle that makes Ness look at him like he's nuts. He shuts right up, probably in response to her thoughts and awkwardly clears his throat. I bite my lip to keep from laughing.

"What are you doing today, Mom?" Ness asks, turning away from her crazy father.

"Whatever you are doing today, my love."

She looks back at Edward who has a ridiculous grin on his face.

"You just read my mind, didn't you?" she asks.

"If I could control it I would, Vanessa," he says apologetically.

She lets out a heavy sigh.

"You know that's really annoying, Edward," she says, sounding more resigned than pissed at this point. I hate that she calls him this, but I choose to focus instead on the progress they've made in really not very much time at all.

"Yes, I'm aware," Edward says. "I can read your thoughts after all."

Ness valiantly attempts to scowl but ends up giggling instead.

"It's not going to happen, you know," he continues.

"It might," Nessie insists. "She seems like she's in a good mood."

My head turns back and forth between the two as it becomes apparent that they are talking about me.

"She is in a good mood," I agree. "Why do I need to be in a good mood?"

I am ignored.

"Vanessa," Edward says. "I know you know that we both know that it isn't going to happen."

Ness pouts.

"Okay," I say, still trying to decode my husbands little spiel. "This is really not fun. What are you talking about?"

"Now, don't you listen to Edward, Mom. I have faith that you aren't really a spoil sport." She pats my hand and beams at me.

"Nessie," I say, losing patience with all the talk even if I do have a pretty good idea what she's about to suggest.

"So cliff diving today," she declares as if it's already decided.

I snort. "Dream on."

"Please?"

"No way."

Nessie sighs heavily.

"Tell her your real plan for the day," Edward suggests.

"Real plan?" I ask.

"I did think you might be unreasonable about the cliff diving—"

"You broke your leg last time!"

"So I was thinking as an alternative we could hike," she finishes smoothly as if I didn't speak at all.

"Oh. That's good."

"So have you?" she says, addressing Edward again.

"No, I have not," he replies.

I growl, not liking being out of the loop but loving the way they communicate.

"Really?" Ness continues. "She hasn't taken you there? Why haven't you taken him to the meadow?"

Actually, I've been purposefully avoiding the glorious little clearing. I discovered the creek-flanked meadow at the base of a mountain with Nessie when she was just a baby during our first time in Forks. Since moving back, the meadow has been our private spot. We only go there together.

Vanessa is already so threatened by her father, between the mind reading and our relationship, I thought it best to keep the meadow ours.

"I was waiting for you," I manage, choked up. My daughter doesn't seem to notice my excess of emotion.

"Cool," Ness says, abruptly standing.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"To pack a picnic," she says as if gathering food should be the most obvious thing in the world to her vampire parents. "We are hiking at my speed, people! So this is going to be an all-day kinda outing. Your food is running around out there. I've got to bring mine."

"Do you need help?" I offer.

"No," she says, laughing. "Ma, you burn water."

I just blink at her, having absolutely no idea what this means. She laughs again and heads toward the front door.

"Thirty minutes. You guys bring a blanket.

You guys, she says. Good. Until this moment I wasn't entirely sure if Edward would be included in our day or not.

She disappears down the short hall only to reappear again briefly.

"And it looks like someone ripped up that pillow. You guys should really clean up around here. I mean, you can't go telling me to clean my room when you have feathers all over the place."

And then she really is gone.

Edward and I look at each other in horror for a moment before he busts out laughing. His joy is infectious and I find myself grinning back.

* * *

It takes nearly three hours to hike the four miles to the meadow. Nessie is easily distracted by the wonder of the world around her. I watch in awe as she points out her favorite bird to her father. She drags him around, detailing absurd facts about moss. He shares her enthusiasm for the forest.

I stay silent, scared I'll ruin the moment, and I'm unable to really speak anyway with all this happiness clogging my throat. Edward searches out my gaze, beaming at me. I smile back. If it were possible my face would be drenched with tears.

When we finally get to the edge of the meadow Nessie touches Edward's hand. He jumps slightly, eyes widening in surprise.

He's seeing what Vanessa shows him.

"What it looks like in the spring with all the wildflowers and stuff," she whispers over her shoulder, answering my unspoken question.

A moment later it's over.

Nessie gives her father a smile as he stares down at her with wide eyes. "Pretty, huh?" she says before tromping off to find the perfect spot to set up the picnic.

Now it's Edward that is beyond words.

"I take it that was your first time," I murmur to keep the conversation between the two of us. Edward nods. I link my arm through his. "Are you going to tip over?" I ask.

He cracks a smile and leans heavily on me.

"Maybe," he croaks.

"I told you she's amazing."

"You did not lie."

"Hey!" Nessie yells, waving at us from the other side of the clearing. "This is the perfect spot, by the creek and everything. Hurry up, slowpokes! I'm starving to death over here."

* * *

It is the best day of my existence.

For the first time my family is in the same place and happy.

In the two months since Edward and I came back here, Nessie has opened up more than I ever dreamed possible, given her reaction when they met. Although she is still wary and absolutely hates that he knows her thoughts, she accepts him as part of our lives now.

I have never seen her this relaxed around her father. It's like something changed for her. Perhaps it's the piano lessons or maybe her mindset has simply altered. I'll ask her about it at bedtime, but she is being uncharacteristically quiet about all things Edward, so I doubt I'll get my explanations.

The three of us sit cross-legged in a circle on a flannel blanket. Ness chats merrily as she munches away on some human food or another. Edward has a thousand questions about her daily life, all of which she happily answers.

She talks about her favorite teacher (Mrs. Urban, choir) and her best friend (Annie Uley, a Quileute who knows all about us "cold ones").

At one point she runs off and returns with a patterned red mushroom. The detail is rather incredible and Nessie marvels over the intricacies, showing both Edward and I before hurling the fungus into the creek.

She takes Edward's hand and then my own, showing us both a memory of her and Jake in the woods.

She picks a similar mushroom, giving it to Jake, and the mutt is stupid enough to drop kick the thing. A million little mushroom slivers land all in Vanessa's hair. She is livid, and Jake has a hard time composing himself long enough to remove the pieces from her hair. He laughs and she scowls.

When we get our own sight back Edward grins, liking the idea of Ness mad at the wolf no doubt.

After eating, our daughter perches on a rock across the creek, bringing a book into her lap. I slip away to take down a couple of nearby deer about a mile away. Edward insists on consuming his meal in a clump of pines out of our daughter's line of sight.

In the last ninety-five years Vanessa has seen thousands of deer drained, but I let my husband be all squeamish.

We lie down on the blanket after lunch, close enough to our daughter to sense her every little move, but far enough away to give her the illusion of privacy. I lay my head on Edward's shoulder and his arms come around me. He strokes my hair and my eyes flicker shut.

"Pretend to sleep," I suggest.

A chuckle rumbles in his throat. "I don't think I could."

"Just focus on one thing and one thing only. Rest your mind. Just listen to your own breathing or the running water or—"

"Vanessa's heartbeat?"

"Oh, that's really good. Just hear her heart and not her thoughts."

We lie cuddled together on a blanket in the meadow pretending to sleep with our daughter reading 48.3 feet away. We stay like this for well over an hour. I match my breathing to Nessie's. I trick myself into the feeling of sleep but eventually it becomes impossible to ignore Edward's obvious failure. He forgets to breathe and then remembers my advice and struggles to match mine. His body remains tense next to me.

It's like I'm torturing him, but Vanessa puts him out of his misery when she closes her book, stretches, and moves back towards our blanket. Edward sits up, but I'm still feeling too lazy. I do manage to open my eyes at least.

"So…" she says, drawing out the word. "Are you guys like an item or something?"

I glance at Edward who looks exceedingly uncomfortable. "Yes," he murmurs. "I think so, although I'm not entirely sure what this word means."

I smile at him, reaching out to rub his back.

"Technically, we are still married," I tell my daughter.

"This is all very weird," she says.

"You can say that again," I reply.

"This is all very weird."

Edward laughs.

"Okay," Nessie says, relaxing slightly. She drops her book an inch away from my head. "What now?"

"Well," Edward replies. "If you want to hike back we should really leave soon. You'll get cold when the sun goes down." He sounds every bit the concerned parent.

"You can run me back," she says dismissively. "Let's go jump off a rock!"

Edward looks at me in confusion.

"She's not talking about the cliffs," I explain. "Come on. We'll show you. I brought you a swimsuit and everything."

* * *

Playing in an ice-cold waterfall in the middle of October is another perk of this unlife. Like most things, Nessie's tolerance for extreme temperatures is much higher than a human and much lower than a vampire. Eventually the freezing temp of the water will pierce her bones, but it will take a while.

The waterfall, half a mile up the mountain from the meadow, is idyllic. When we first moved back to Forks, Emmett, Rose, and I spent an afternoon digging out the pool at the base, making it safe for Nessie to jump. It's only a twelve foot drop, nothing compared to the fall that broke her leg, but also probably the reason she's obsessed with this sort of thing now.

"Watch me, Edward!" she yells. We stand on the rocks at the edge of the pool, staring up at her onto the falls. She waves and we wave back. "You're watching?"

"Yes!" we both shout in unison. Our daughter is being silly. It's not like we're going to turn away at the last moment or something.

Nessie makes the jump, tucking her legs into her chest. The cannonball has the effect of drenching us. Edward and I laugh, but when Nessie breaks the surface a moment later she is howling in pain.

"My leg, my leg," she moans like a bad actor in a melodrama. I roll my eyes, used to her antics. Edward, however, falls for the sorry display. He freaks out for a few seconds, ignoring all sense. We heard no break and I'm sure her thoughts are giving her away, but Edward is in concerned parent mode.

It's as touching as it is ridiculous.

By the time he reaches her, Nessie has lost all composure.

He holds her shoulders as she laughs hysterically.

"Oh, damn," he murmurs.

"Got yah!" she squeals.

"You know what they say about little girls who cry wolf," Edward says with a sigh, referring to a human folk tale I'm surprised he even knows.

"I like wolves," Nessie reminds him. "And they like me."

Another frown from Edward and then he splashes her. She looks like a shocked guppy for a moment before splashing him back. Water flies everywhere during their war. My remaining dryness is collateral damage. Nessie finally manages to call "uncle" between her laughter and sputtering.

We spend hours jumping and swimming.

Nessie clings to my back and we jump together. Edward sweeps her up in his arms bridal style before walking off the edge of the rock. I get slung over my husbands shoulder unceremoniously. He gropes me shamelessly out of Nessie's sight.

And it's fun.

I feel light and happy and alive and so blessed it's overwhelming.

The sun gets lower in the sky, Nessie's lips turn blue, and it's time to go home. She changes back into dry clothes and I wrap her in the blanket. I grab the backpack and picnic basket. Nessie frowns at the items in my arms before moving around behind Edward and climbing onto his back.

Now it's my husband that looks light and happy and alive and so blessed it's overwhelming.

By the time we get back to the cabin the sky is dark and Ness is shivering. Edward sets about the business of building a fire as Nessie cuddles into the blankets on the couch.

Alice was here, and I follow her scent into the kitchen where I find dinner in the fridge and a season of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ on Blu-ray with a bag of popcorn on the kitchen table.

I know my sister can't see the future where Nessie is directly involved, so this must be wishful thinking on her part. I make a mental note to hug the crap out of Alice later.

Nessie eats and settles on the couch next to her father with a bowl full of popcorn on her lap. I watch them for a moment, but then Nessie gives me a look like I've lost my mind and I turn towards the blue ray player.

Ness explains the premise of this ridiculous program that she has loved for the last decade as I sit on her other side.

"I think it's funny," she says as I hand her the remote. "Everything is so wrong though. Mom hates it."

"Vampire slayer," I mutter, shaking my head. "Preposterous notion."

Fortunately we are all only subjected to less than one episode. No more than twenty minutes in Nessie falls asleep with her head on my shoulder.

Edward gathers her up tenderly and carries her to the bedroom next to ours. I watch from the doorway as he tucks her in. She sighs in her sleep as Edward pushes her hair off her face and kisses her forehead.

He stares at her for a long time before slowly walking back to me. I take his hand and shut the bedroom door before leading him to our room.

We crawl into bed and hold each other, his face against my chest, my arms around his head. There are no words for how good this is.

"This was the best day of my existence," he whispers into the dark after hours of silence.

"Mine too," I reply.

* * *

**Aren't they cute? I told you Nessie would come around. See you in a few weeks, my lovely readers!**


	17. In the Minds of Wolves

**Miss me? It wasn't too long and I was like, crazy productive so the next chappie is with Donna now. **

**The response for their little family day in the meadow was so great! Just keep that fluffiness in mind when things get rough and you guys start hating me.**

**Yeah... things are gonna get rough.**

**This one is a shorty.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Donna is great.**

* * *

"Do you hear that, Jakey?" I say as I chop onions with vampire speed. My wolf friend actually comes in through the front door today, and for once he is fully dressed. "It's the sound of progress!"

He cocks his head to the side and listens to the faint piano drifting down from the third floor.

"She's getting pretty good," he comments as he moves into the kitchen. Jake kisses Esme on the cheek and sticks a stack of pies he was carrying in the fridge. He came up on his motorcycle, and I wonder how he managed to transport them.

"Do you ladies need help?" he asks, staring avidly in the direction of the boys (and Rosalie) watching football in the next room.

"No, no," Esme replies, shooing him out of the kitchen. "We're all set here. When will the rest be joining us?"

"Party starts at four, right?" Jake replies. "It should just be a couple of hours. I'm sure they'll all come and go as they please. That alright?"

"It's perfect," Esme says. "We'll do it buffet style, just like last year."

Today is Thanksgiving. Since moving to Forks we've gotten to know the Quileute's rather well and this sham of a holiday is a good excuse to get together. They don't exactly feel particularly celebratory about such a hypocritical American tradition, but it is one of the few days of the year everyone has the time to get together.

We shun traditional food – well, those of us who actually eat food, anyway – and everyone will bring their favorite. Jake is the one exception. Apparently the dude loves pie.

I have no idea what I'm helping Esme make for Vanessa, but apparently my daughter loves this smelly crap.

Edward is wary about meeting the wolves, ex-wolves, and their families, and with good reason. The Quileute's have a thousand years of tradition hating the "cold ones" and it took them years to mostly trust my family. Imprinting is their most sacred law and the only thing that prevented them from hunting us down when we came to Forks the first time.

The people who find themselves in our home for the holiday are a diverse bunch. There's Jake, Quil, and Embry, the only remaining original wolves who haven't aged a day in seventy years. Jake is technically the leader, but he is rarely in La Push as he chooses to stay with Nessie and my family, leaving the other two in charge.

The current version of the pack has nine members. They range in age and personality. Five of them changed when we came back. The rest started shifting at various times since we met Jake. Things are quiet for them in Forks now, and I don't think any of the newbies will continue shifting for long.

Along with the wolves come the elders and the families and the former wolves that long ago stopped shifting. Jake's fifty year old grandnephew, Billy, is among them. I always get a real kick out of it when Billy says "Uncle Jake." Also included in this group is Sam Uley. His daughter Anna is Nessie's best friend.

Yes, the whole thing is mighty bizarre, but what about this unlife isn't?

Esme finally puts the tray of disgusting, foul smelling things in the oven, calling them enchiladas. I'm dismissed from kitchen duty in time to see my husband and my daughter descend the stairs.

"So that one's really about Mom?" Ness is asking as they move slowly towards the family, watching whatever game.

"I think so," Edward says with a slight shrug, his eyes flashing briefly to mine before he focuses once more on our daughter. "I can't be certain, but it sure sounds like her, doesn't it?"

What that means I cannot say, but Nessie seems to understand if that vigorous head nodding is any indication.

"Yeah," Nessie agrees. "It sounds like a lullaby."

"It must be your mom's lullaby," Edward murmurs.

"It's really nice," Nessie says, bouncing excitedly. She clutches his arm and my heart fills, threatening to burst in my undead chest. "Can you teach me to play it?"

"We'll work up to it," Edward promises. "You're a quick learner."

Nessie gets shy all of a sudden, shuffling her feet and looking down. Edward hesitates for a moment before hooking her chin with his finger, tilting her face up.

"What is it, Vanessa?"

"It's stupid," she mumbles. I wonder how she is keeping him out of her head.

"I am positive that isn't so," Edward says.

"I want one," she admits in a rush.

"Pardon?" asks my poor, confused husband. I grin like a lunatic because I know just what our daughter is saying.

"A lullaby," she says. "I want one."

Edward looks so stunned, a bit like he's going to tip over again. Nessie works away on her lip, a nervous habit she picked up from me.

"Oh," he finally manages. "I started on that, months ago. Before your mother bought the piano. It was all in my head then, of course."

"Really?" she squeaks, lighting right on up. "Can I hear right now? Please?"

"It's not perfect yet," Edward says, looking so adorably pleased and bemused.

"So?"

"It's not done. Soon," he promises. "No later than Christmas."

"It can be my Christmas present," Nessie decides.

"Not much of a surprise," Edward says.

"So?" she replies, grinning at him. The smile is very Edward, and he gives Nessie the smile right back. "You are enough surprises to last me forever."

Nessie turns on her heel and moves to the living room, wedging herself between Jake's massive form and the arm of the couch. He nods down at her in approval, giving her a side hug.

My face might split in two with the force of my smile.

Instead of following our daughter, Edward finds me lurking in the shadows. I smile up at him, feeling overcome. He feels it too. I can just tell. Edward wraps his arms around my waist, lifting me off the ground as he pushes his face into my neck. We stand like this, wrapped around each other until Emmett teases us and we join everyone in front of the television.

* * *

Our bastardized version of an All-American holiday is a success. At the high point of the evening there were some thirty-five wolves, people, and vampires gathered in our home. No one dies and everyone that eats seems to enjoy the horrendous smelling spread of food.

Edward remains tense, staying close to my side. He gets glares or stares of curiosity. They know what he's been for the last century, but don't say anything. Not that it matters. Edward can hear every thought and he spends the evening with a look of pain on his face.

But the wolves and their families sure do love our daughter. Her happiness makes the discomfort and all the bad smells – both food and dog – worth it.

The sun goes down and almost everyone clears out, leaving Jake and a few old timers, including Billy and Sam. He was the alpha of the original wolf pack, the very first to turn when our presence in Forks the first time triggered the ancient gene. He stopped shifting when he imprinted on his girlfriend's cousin twenty years ago.

Leah Clearwater has never been the same and she remains in the pack with her little brother, Seth.

Sam is closing in on fifty now, and I know it's difficult for Jake to see his brothers grow old and die off. He'll never age, not if he wants forever with Vanessa.

My family sits around the fire pit in our back yard, talking quietly with the three Quileutes, talking quietly and staring at the fire.

After sticking some white, fluffy pieces of sugar over the fire and putting them on graham crackers, Vanessa found her way into my lap, but the cold of the night combined with my body drove her away. Now she sleeps curled in a little ball on the bench next to Jacob, looking so young and peaceful.

Edward has his arm around my shoulders. I cuddle into his side and find myself giving thanks to have all the creatures I really care about in the world here with me.

"Look at us," Sam says with a laugh, "Mortal enemies my ass!"

A chuckle runs through the group, and various members of my family voice their agreement.

"Took long enough," Esme muses.

"On both our parts," Jake says, grinning at me wolfishly. Surely he is remembering the number of broken bones I gifted him in the early years as I attempted to get him to leave us alone. Edward chuckles, enjoying what's going on in Jake's head no doubt.

"What did it for me was seeing Bella go toe to toe with those evil vamp rulers, or whoever they were, all those years ago," Sam says. Edward and I both tense at Sam's memory, him because of what he's learning, me because I know where this will lead us.

To a conversation I absolutely dread having.

"The Volturi," Carlisle says. He glances at me, obviously concerned.

"We didn't really trust you until that show down either," Emmett says, smiling fondly. My largest brother has never been one to shy away from a fight.

"I really thought Bella would kill them all," Sam says, grinning at me. I manage a small smile in reply, but my head is already pounding in anticipation of Edward's questions. "It was sure something to see."

"I really thought Bella wouldn't come back," murmurs Rosalie. She stares at the fire. Nessie has always been special to Rose, who aches for a child of her own above all else. My sister was nearly as terrified and desperate as I was when the Volturi came to take Vanessa away.

Things get a little melancholy. Jake scoots a little closer to my sleeping daughter.

"It all worked out," Esme says brightly, trying to save the mood. Carlisle's gaze flashes to mine before he focuses intently on the fire.

"Why is Carlisle counting back from a million in Chinese?" Edward whispers in my ear so only I can hear him. I grimace and turn my lips to his ear.

"It's my memory to tell."

"When?"

I feel ill.

"Soon. You'll hate me."

"I won't," he says with such conviction I almost believe him. Sighing, I tighten my hold on him.

"You're a member of the guard?" Edward demands a moment later, responding to someone's thoughts it seems. "You're a Volturi?"

"She didn't tell you?" Rose asks, looking slightly amused.

"It's not that," I assure him, scowling at my sister. She's eased off the hate in the last month, but she's still obviously not Team Edward.

"What is it like?" Edward asks, pulling away slightly to get a good look at me. I probably should have at least mentioned this part, the story that everyone else knows, at some moment before this.

"I'm more of a contracted employee than a member of the guard." Employee. That doesn't sound bad at all.

"Contracted employee?" Edward asks. "And what exactly is your pay?"

I look at our daughter, happy and safe and asleep.

"Vanessa," Jake says, his voice sounding unlike anything I've heard before. He stares at Edward intensely, and I wonder what he is thinking at my husband. "Bella helps those bloodsuckers incinerate other bloodsuckers to protect Vanessa."

Edward seems to deflate next to me.

Well, that sure is one way to end a party.

* * *

"They remembered things," Edward says before I even get fully through the cabin door. He's pacing around in the living area so frantically I'm surprised he hasn't worn a hole in the carpet.

When things got tense between Edward and I our guests decided to leave. I picked up Nessie, promising Edward I'd meet him at the cabin after getting her settled in her room for the night. Typically she spends weekends with us in the cabin, but given the coming conversation between her father and me, it is definitely best if she stays there tonight.

I could easily have just let Jake carry her up. Apparently she stuffed herself today and will sleep soundly, but I needed a little distance from Edward, just for a moment, to mentally prepare for what's to come.

I don't want to tell him. I dread telling him.

Logically, I know I need to, sooner rather than later. It's only a matter of time before I'm called away to Italy again, and Edward deserves to find out from me long before that dreaded occasion.

"Sam and Jake?" I ask.

"Yes, a show down with the Volturi that almost ended in death. It would have been a fight if not for you," he murmurs.

"That's when I learned I could extend my shield to protect those around me. I really did save the day with that one."

"But they took you anyway," he says. "Even with the wolves as back up and the rest of your family, the guard took you away. They are supposed to be the good guys, right? They are supposed to protect our kind from being known to the humans."

I sigh heavily. Edward has heard the stories of power and protection, but he doesn't really understand. The vampire rulers are like characters out of a storybook to him. He has no comprehension of the reality that is the three and their guard.

"Carlisle and I went because we didn't have a choice," I explain. "They wanted Nessie. We gave them me instead."

"Gave you?" he hisses.

"On a limited basis. I protect them when they require it."

"How often do you go?"

"Several times a year. Two or three times."

"How long?"

"On average? About five days. Maybe a week."

"And they want Nessie?"

"Not like they once did."

"Why?"

"Curiosity mostly. They want to study her."

Edward growls. I watch him pace around in silence.

"I just can't believe this didn't come up sooner," he mutters. "They're royalty, Bella. Most vampires go an eternity without ever encountering them."

"So what?" I ask, not understanding his distress. If he thinks this is bad how can I possibly expect him to accept the part I have to show him next? "You're freaked because your girlfriend knows the only celebrities in the vampire world?"

I'm terrified and it's making me defensive and snappish.

"Girlfriend?" Edward sputters, pulling a face.

"Wife?" I venture hopefully, despite what I know about Edward's discomfort with the term.

He winces.

I sigh, having no idea what sort of label he's looking for here.

"My baby daddy?" I suggest. This just makes him blink at me in confusion.

"I was thinking something more along the lines of mate," he murmurs, staring at his feet.

For one glorious moment all the fear is erased by the joy of Edward claiming me this way. The bond between mates is a powerful thing, and it will forever alter a vampire. It's the undead equivalent of marriage, only more potent and permanent. He may not understand the human term of husband, but he wants me in the forever kind of way.

All my happiness comes crashing down when I realize that this conversation could change all of it, everything he feels for me. The shock of going from such elation to such devastation has my knees buckling. I whimper and move to clutch the back of the leather couch for support, but Edward reaches me first.

He cups my face in his hands while I search his face, but I find that I'm unable to meet his eyes.

"You hate it," he murmurs. "Don't you?

"Yes," I reply, closing my eyes. I hate that we're back to the goddamn Volturi. "Every part of it, but I don't have a choice."

"There's always a choice," Edward says, talking softly.

I smile, but it's painful how much he sounds like his daughter right now.

"I wish that were true," I whisper, refusing to open my eyes, even as he runs his thumbs over my cheeks.

'This is the very worst of it, isn't it?" he asks. I'm unable to do anything but nod my head. "Just tell me, Bella. You've been so cryptic about it since Chicago. For months I haven't asked just like you haven't told, but it's time, love."

Finally, because I know he's right, I open my eyes. He's so beautiful.

"I don't want to ruin everything, just when things are going so well with you and Nessie."

"You won't," he promises, even though he might not be able to keep it.

"You can't leave our daughter," I remind him.

"I will never do that. I could never do that. And I won't leave you either."

I take a deep, shuddering breath.

"It's time, Bella," he repeats. "I'll have to know eventually, right?"

"Not here," I say, glancing around our quaint little cabin that's really started to feel like our home. I grab his hand and pull him towards the front door. "This is such a lovely place and I don't want to pollute it."

Edward at least has the sense to look nervous now but he follows me willingly.

* * *

We run for almost an hour, until Edward tugs me to a stop. He seems to recognize that I would rather run forever than talk about this. We settle ourselves on a giant Boulder perched on the side of a mountain. We're in Canada now, well out of what I consider to be my woods. Edward sits, ready to assume the position of our memory sharing.

I pace around instead, feeling the need to warn him somehow.

"We never really talked about it," I mutter.

"Talked about what?" he asks, sounding appropriately wary of the coming conversation.

"Sex." I cover my mouth in horror when I realize that I shouted at him. He raises an eyebrow at me.

"I suppose we were too busy doing it to talk about it," he replies dryly.

"I meant me. And sex. And, not you," I stutter awkwardly and Edward looks pissed.

"Why would I want to talk about _that_?" he says with a growl.

"Well, you wouldn't want to. I don't want to, but I promised complete honesty when you came back and this is part of it," I explain.

Edward sighs. "Bella, when I told you about my lacking sex life in Chicago it was rather obvious that you were not celibate."

If I were human I'd be blushing like mad.

"It was?" I squeak.

"Yes, Bella. Honestly? I just didn't really want to know."

"Oh," I murmur, totally baffled.

Edward runs his hands through his hair and lets out an irritated huff.

"How many?" he asks.

"Three," I whisper, my voice so small.

He closes his eyes, jaw tensed. It takes him a few moments to collect himself.

"Any one I know? The wolves? Our family?"

"What?" I shriek, horrified. "EW, no." I shiver violently, the thought is that repugnant.

"Were you with them long?" Edward asks, continuing this bizarre little interview.

"I was never with them like I'm with you," I murmur, unable to look at him again. I'm so ashamed, so painfully ashamed. "Just on occasion."

"Did you love any of them?" His question is so quiet and so careful and I hate this more than anything.

"No, Edward," I assure him, wishing I could find a way for my feet to cross the distance between us, but I'm frozen in place. "It's always been you. Just you."

He sighs and I find myself in a crouch, kneeling in front of him. He takes my hand and eases my sorrow slightly with his touch.

"I'm so sorry," I manage. The worst part is I can't promise it won't happen again.

"Bella, you didn't know. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault, just like it's not my fault I missed the first 95 years of our daughter's life. You'll probably feel like shit about it for a while, just like I do, but it's not your fault."

I want to collapse into his arms, but this isn't the end of it.

"You're not mad?" I whisper.

"Well," he says with a rueful chuckle. "Yes, actually: I'm not particularly happy about it and I want to rip apart these nameless, faceless vampire's who've touched you, but no. I'm not mad at you, Isabella."

This time when I feel the urge to throw myself into his arms, I do. He grunts with the force of my hug before returning it. I breathe him in deep.

"I love you," I tell him, my lips touching the shell of his ear.

"I know," he replies. He strokes my hair and I don't even realize that I was shaking until the tremors slowly leave.

"I'm very confused," he says when I pull back to get a good look at him. "I thought you were going to explain the Volturi."

I tense up again. Edward follows my lead.

"I am," I say, removing myself from his lap and crossing my legs as I sit on the rock facing him. "I'll show you."

He lets me touch his skin, but still doesn't get it. I can tell by the way he cocks his head to the side as he looks at me.

"Then why bring up this unpleasant topic now? What's the connection?" he asks.

I give him a pointed look, unable to bring myself to just say it.

"Oh, shit," he whispers, his eyes going wide. "Oh… _fuck_."

I smile ruefully.

"You're with a member of the guard," he hisses.

"It's not like that," I insist. I refrain from correcting him on the member of the guard assumption. "It's much worse," I whisper.

'Then what's it like?" He's managed to calm down slightly, but his eyes remain narrowed.

I take a deep breath, my head hurting already. Abruptly I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him with everything I have. I slant my mouth across his, so relieved when he kisses me back. It's brief and intense, but I just had to. Just once more.

"Bell—"

"Just one more," I say, interrupting. "You… it might not happen again. After."

"Bella, we'll have an eternity of kisses."

My heart fractures in my undead chest.

"We'll see," I say cryptically. "Just… let me show you."

* * *

**Yup. The Aro chapter is next. It kinda makes my stomach hurt. Oh, you might hate me. HEA I PROMISE JUST REMEMBER THAT PLEASE. **

**But the mates part, that was nice right?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	18. Skin Like Paper

**Chapter's up! So fast! I'm proud of myself and my star beta, Donna.**

**Thank you for coming back for this chapter. I know that the content in this story is pretty disturbing, but coming back means you trust me. And it's bad, but it will get better. **

**So I lost two readers on that last one (that I'm aware of) because they were shocked that the story turned this way. I thought I'd given sufficient warning, but there you go.**

**There is no sex scene in this chapter. There will never be a sex scene in this story between anyone but E and B. That's a promise. I just couldn't write it and wouldn't want you to read it and it would in no way add to the story. **

**I'll try to have the next one up quick. Donna betaed this one in like half a day. Amazing isn't she?**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"Go away, Jane," Carlisle says, sounding more dangerous than I've ever heard him in the fifty plus years I've known him.

Flanked by six wolves and the seven members of my family, including the recent additions of Jasper and Alice, my father stares down eight members of the Volturi guard.

They're here for my daughter.

"You are outnumbered," Carlisle says with a growl. "Your gifts won't work here."

I feel a little burst of pride, even as extending my shield to protect our little resistance drains me. It sears my head, maintaining this ability I didn't even know I processed until the demonic creature across the field hurt Carlisle with a simple look.

Jane. Small, blond, and terrifying, she causes crippling hurt at will. She is here to take my daughter and she hurt my father without even letting him speak. Something wonderful and uncomfortable happened to my head the moment I saw him crumble to the ground. A level of my personal protection seemed to rip away extending to encompass all my loved ones.

It's exhausting but so worth all my energy just to see the anger in the neutered, sadistic Jane.

"Come now, Carlisle," she says, her voice quiet and so falsely innocent it makes my skin crawl. "You know how this ends. We won't go back empty handed."

Although the urge to drop to my knees and retreat into my head is almost overwhelming, I pull my shield a little tighter around my daughter who sits to my right, perched on the back of a giant russet wolf.

Jacob growls slightly, knowing just how high the stakes are here.

I've hated him, been cruel to him, even as other members of my family have grown to accept him, but when we heard the vampire elite were coming for us he didn't hesitate to call his brothers away from their safe lives in Washington to fight and die for the daughter of a cold one.

"That's out of the question, Jane," Carlisle all but hisses as Jane smiles, enjoying his distress. He takes a large, calming breath. "If this turns violent you will lose. You have no idea what these wolves are capable of."

Jane regards the wolves with distaste. They gnash their great teeth, thrashing around their giant heads. Jane and the rest of the minions look unsure, even fearful, for the first time.

If we get out of this alive I vow to never chase away Jacob. Without his presence the Volturi would not have even bothered to hesitate before attacking us.

"Your girl there can't keep us out forever," Jane says, sending another wave of pain at Carlisle. I feel it burn against the layer of my protection, but instead of whimpering as my head splits in two, I give Jane a lazy grin.

"Watch me."

Her eyes go wide as I smirk at her before narrowing in hate. I just keep grinning, hiding all the pain and fear.

"We won't go back empty handed," Jane repeats.

"And you won't take Vanessa," Carlisle insists. "Your information was flawed, Jane. She is no immortal child. No crime was committed here."

We don't know who told them or how the Volturi became aware of my daughter, but they were woefully misinformed. They thought she was a child, bitten in youth and given the power of vampirism, but no restrain. The Volturi seized on the opportunity to weaken our ever-growing coven, but when it became clear that Vanessa is not what they thought, they demanded we hand her over for "study".

Obviously the three must see and study the anomaly that is my Vanessa.

Jane's stare fluctuates between Carlisle and the wolves. Her loathsome gaze finally lands on me. I've never felt such hate directed towards me and mine. Good. The feeling is mutual.

"Fine," she snaps. "We'll leave the half breed."

I prickle at the insult, and don't let myself feel relief with the concession that they won't fight to take Vanessa. Certainly, they plan on taking something.

"But take the mother," she says.

Ah, there it is.

There are growls and hissing and protests from my family.

"Yes," I say with no hesitation. "I'll go."

Now the protests coming from my family are directed at me instead of the Volturi. Jane blinks, surprised I agreed so quickly.

"You can't let her, Carlisle!" Esme yells. She attempts to throw her arms around me but I dodge, needing every ounce of concentration to continue providing protection.

"Darling, we don't have a choice," Carlisle says. And he's right. My only goal at the moment is to get these demons as far away as possible from my daughter and our family.

I wonder if I'll be coming back, but this will keep her safe and I'll do anything to keep her safe. I have to keep her safe.

"Aro needs answers," Carlisle continues. "Bella and I will meet with the Volturi, explain that Nessie is not an immortal child, and return home."

Jane smiles maniacally, and I wonder if Carlisle believes his own words.

The family argues with Carlisle, but I stay focused, not trusting Jane and her little horde of cloaked minions.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme all plead with Carlisle to reconsider while Jasper and Alice stay silent. They've only been with us for a few months, and obviously don't feel comfortable being part of this decision.

Alice saw the Volturi coming a week ago. That's what makes Alice special. She can see the future.

It was enough time to call in the wolves from Forks, but not enough to enlist the help of the Denali's or Garrett or any of our other friends.

We couldn't even manage to find Garrett. I wonder if he is still among the unliving.

Still, Alice and the wolves seem to make all the difference in this moment. I keep them all safe under my shield.

"We're going," I say, my voice containing enough authority to end all arguments. Concealing how exhausted I am, I kiss Esme's cheek, shake Jasper's hand, and hug the rest. I'm able to remain detached, still fully in control of my shield, until I get to Vanessa.

I find it harder to fake confidence as she jumps off Jacob's back, launching herself at me. I'm terrified that I'll never see her again, and it takes so much not to crush her to my chest and just run forever until we're safe together.

But the Volturi won't stop. There are no more safe spaces, and the only way to ensure that she remains unharmed is to leave her.

She cries into my neck, showing me her fear. My shield snaps back into place, searing my skull, but I stretch it back out immediately, for fear of an attack from Jane.

Even without me, Vanessa will have a good life. We've found creatures that truly love her, Esme and Rosalie in particular; Even Jacob, as much as I hate to admit it. His love for Nessie probably saved her life today, and he'll keep her safe after I'm gone.

It is the most painful thing I've ever done, setting Vanessa in her place on the wolf's back. She begs me not to go in her sad, four year old way.

I tell her I'll love her forever.

I turn away from my daughter, both head and heart aching, and bend to the wolf's ear. He regards me with large, wary eyes.

"Take care of her, Jacob Back," I whisper. This is more kindness and acceptance than I've shown the boy since our tenuous, pre-imprinting friendship twenty some odd years ago.

I pat his head awkwardly, give my child a final kiss, and slowly approach the eight robed figures at the far end of the meadow.

Carlisle falls into step at my side, and for one moment I feel so guilty for tearing him away from this family he's built, the woman he loves, but my protests would only serve to offend him.

I'm his first child, his biggest mistake and his greatest achievement. It's right that he's going with me, especially given his history with the three.

We reach the demons and Jane grins viciously, attempting to hurt Carlisle again. I can feel a buzzing against my shield. I grab his hand and smile back pleasantly, refusing to let her see the toll this protection is taking emotionally and physically.

My grip on his hand gives me something to focus, besides how horribly painful this all is.

Silently the guard surrounds us like the hostages we are, and we move towards the woods. I have no idea where we are going or how we'll get to Italy. We move as prisoners, and I feel each member of my family move out of range of my protection. It's devastating, but I barely have the energy to protect Carlisle right next to me.

Plus, it means they are too far away to be terrorized by Jane.

* * *

"So how did you manage it?"

I blink, surprised that one of our captors is speaking at all. Thus far they've remained silent and emotionless. One of the large males smiled at me as he led us to our private room on this ocean liner, but Jane growled at him and he immediately turned back into a statue.

But Jane isn't here now.

This journey is apt to take months. I'd prefer to just swim the Atlantic, but the Volturi decided it would be too easy for one of us to slip away from our prison keepers in such a situation.

This other large male with the sly face is talking to me now. I've sipped into something of a trance as I push my limits to provide protection for Carlisle. Jane occasionally sends little spurts of pain at my father, testing my effectiveness, no doubt.

I won't give her the satisfaction of besting me, even if I haven't done this before and my head hurts so badly I fear I might be the first vampire to actually pass out from exhaustion and pain.

My death grip on Carlisle's hand is the only indication that I'm expending any energy at all.

"How she managed what?" Carlisle finally asks when I've remained silent a beat too long.

"To produce whatever that creature was. I've never seen anything like her."

I don't say anything. I need all my strength.

"This is a story we'll tell once, Felix," Carlisle snaps. "You will just have to wait until we get to Italy."

Felix pouts slightly before dragging his eyes up the length of my body. I don't even have the energy to feel uncomfortable.

"He's going to love her, you know," he says, speaking softly to Carlisle. Something in the tone is almost sad.

Now it's my father squeezing my hand in a death grip. I manage to turn my throbbing head to look at him in confusion. He won't meet my eyes, and I wonder what he hasn't told me about the vampire royalty he spent a decade with centuries ago.

"He's going to _want_ her," Felix continues in a harsh whisper. This time I really do shiver, my skin crawling. "With that gift she's an ideal collectable, but it's not just that."

"Felix, I know," says Carlisle, sounding more miserable and weary than I've ever heard him.

"He likes them small and powerful," Felix whispers. For one little moment he looks melancholy but then Jane slams into the room and hisses at him to shut up.

The stoic mask is back, just as it happened with the other large, dark haired male.

Jane is small and powerful.

I wonder if she ever had any humanity before her unlife. Probably not, given that her gift is to cause pain.

Carlisle is scared, that much is apparent in the way he wraps and arm around my shoulders. I slip back into my trance, letting the pain numb me.

* * *

"Isabella." The slick tone of the greeting makes my undead skin crawl. As we enter what can only be described as a throne room, I inch imperceptibly closer to Carlisle. "Welcome to Italy. I have heard so much about you. Now, let us negotiate."

The painfully sweet voice that greets us comes from the ancient vampire seated in the center of an elevated platform. I recognize his features from a portrait in Carlisle's study, but something about seeing this demon in real life is so excruciatingly terrifying. His dark hair combined with his dark suit makes his pale face appear even more ghost like, as if he is simply a creepy floating face over tented boney fingers.

He is Aro, arguably the most powerful creature on the entire planet.

"Negotiate," I repeat, not bothering to hide my sarcasm. "Indeed."

Although cold is hardly an issue for me, the chill in this ancient basilica seems to sear my bones. The feeling has nothing to do with temperature and everything to do with the trio of soulless demons who occupy these walls and hold my fate in their ancient hands.

It's unimaginable to me that Carlisle, gentle, moral Carlisle, spent almost a decade here in the mid eighteenth century, yet I'm thankful for it. Without his relationship with the vampire royalty we'd be ash.

"You are simply radiant, Isabella," Aro coos, elegantly rising from his seat and approaching us. I tense, but somehow refrain from dropping into a defensive crouch.

The leader and by far the creepiest of the Volturi grasp my hand, bringing it to his cheek. His ancient skin feels like paper it is so thin. Under normal circumstances this one touch would allow Aro to see every thought and every experience stored away in my head.

Fortunately, I am far from normal.

He scowls at me for a moment. I'm unable to hide my smirk, even if I should. Again, I attempt to control my outrage and remind myself that this monster, along with his equally repugnant brothers and the guard that carries out their every whim, hold the fate of everyone I care about and most importantly Nessie.

Vanessa. My daughter.

"They warned me," Aro murmurs, recovering from his dismay as I render his ability useless. "But still, seeing truly is believing, hum?"

I don't say anything as I hold his piercing red stare. If doing so wouldn't surely mean the death of my daughter, I would attempt to tear him limb from limb. I've never have such hate in me.

Not when I lost my husband. Not when it seemed that Carlisle robbed me of the chance of an afterlife. Never.

"Carlisle," Aro says, turning abruptly towards my father. I watch the other two, Caius and Marcus. They have paper skin like Aro. Caius bares his teeth, hissing at me. Marcus's face remains remarkably blank, although his beady eyes dart quickly between Carlisle and I. "My old friend. It's been far too long."

"That it has, Aro," Carlisle replies. I don't know how he's managing to sound so genuine when I am capable of doing nothing but spitting hate.

"You've been very busy my friend," Aro says, his gaze running down my body. I want to shift away from the leer, but refrain. Show no weakness. One mistake and it will be my daughter's life. "Very busy indeed turning a whole coven in less than a century. Still adhering to your bizarre and unnatural diet, I see."

"To each his own," murmurs Carlisle.

"And you have your little… minions following suit I see?" His eyes are on me again. I refuse to back down and meet the intensity of his gaze with a scowl of my own.

"I think of them as family members," Carlisle replies, stepping closer to me. His hand on my shoulder helps focus me. "In all ways that matter, Bella is my daughter."

Aro smiles. It is repulsive and alarming and somehow more sinister than his glares. His contrived cheerfulness is extremely threatening.

"Well, you always were an odd one, weren't you, Carlisle?" Aro says, retreating back to his former position. "Now," Aro says as he sits with a flourish. "Where is the child that is responsible for this unpleasantness?" It's difficult not to growl at the mention of my daughter. "You insisted on leaving the young Vanessa at home, I understand?"

"We thought it best there be some distance until we had a chance to explain," Carlisle says diplomatically.

"Her safety is my only priority," I say through gritted teeth. Aro smiles at me again. Carlisle looks pained.

"I'm told she breathes," Aro says, studying his own over grown fingernails. "Her heart beats. What kind of trick is this?"

"It's no trick," I growl out. Carlisle shoots me a look of warning. Aro smiles. "She grows," I repeat, calmer now. "She isn't a vampire. She's no immortal child. She's no threat to you."

"How can this be?" Caius spits out. "You lie!"

"I was pregnant when Carlisle turned me," I insist, fire in my voice. My look dares them to disagree. "She was born, not changed. The human side is with her. She grows and eats and sleeps. She glows in the sunshine, but it's so slight no human would be able to recognize a difference."

Aro nods. I'm sure his beloved servants told him all this before we were brought to see them.

"We cannot risk it," Caius declares. "We know not what she will become."

I growl and advance. Carlisle restrains me as no less than twelve vampires materialize out of the shadows, protecting the three. With a wave of a hand Aro has them all stepping back, still ready to dispatch us given the word.

I spot Jane and stretch out my shield, protecting Carlisle.

"Here," Carlisle says, stretching a hand towards Aro. The members of the guard tense, but Aro gleefully steps forward to grasp Carlisle's hand. I frown as I realize that I can't protect Carlisle and let him show Aro the truth in our story at the same time.

Aro's eyes seem to light up. He greedily absorbs everything that Carlisle has even known or seen. The expression on the ancient vampire's face makes me ill. It's orgasmic, the twisted pleasure Aro gets from this.

"Ah," Aro says with a great sigh, dropping Carlisle's hand. He retreats back to the thrones, whispering in his brothers' ears so quietly only they can hear. "You speak truth."

"Always," I murmur, attempting to incinerate them all with my glare. It is with great relief that I resume my protection of my father figure, even if it still causes me immense discomfort.

"Well, this is interesting; Very interesting."

Carlisle and I wait in silence. We've pled our case. Now we wait for the verdict as hate simmers in my veins.

"We cannot risk it," Caius hisses again. This time I don't move on him, but I want to. Oh, how I want to kill them all.

The feeling is foreign to me, but I embrace it now.

"No, we cannot allow something so unknown to exist," Aro muses, tapping a long skeletal finger on his chin.

"Hybrids aren't a total unknown," Carlisle points out. I'm thankful for his unwavering calm. "You saw where we went following Vanessa's birth."

"Ah yes," Aro agrees: "The hybrids of Amazonia. We will look into this. I very much doubt the vampire with the strange preoccupation with pregnant humans will be allowed to survive."

Carlisle and I both shrug. We never even met the vampire, just his progeny.

"I ask that you strongly consider letting the mothers and the children survive. They are no threat and have done nothing wrong."

"We'll consider."

I shudder. Someone we spent years with will probably be brought here to be tested and experimented on. It's our fault, but there's no use dwelling on it now.

"Isabella," Aro says, focusing on me again. "You are something special."

I blink a lot, not really understanding this abrupt subject change.

"Thank you," I say. The tone makes my words lose their politeness.

"Very special," he continues. His smiles will always make me shiver. "This gift of yours is rather remarkable. You've bested even Jane." The low hiss to my left makes me smirk. "And you're even able to project the shield. You protect Carlisle now, don't you?"

I say nothing.

"Jane," Aro says in a low voice. I feel a slight sizzle around Carlisle, but he remains untouched. I can't hide my grin. This whole shield thing is endlessly pleasing, the one positive of this horrific situation.

"Very special," Aro repeats. "I have a proposition for you, Isabella."

I raise an eyebrow, extremely wary.

"We shall spare your daughter," Aro says. My heart lurches slightly in joy, but I know it's not that easy or simple. "She will not only be left in peace from us, but also under the protection of the guard. I'm assuming she takes after her mother."

I think of her father. Of what my husband would do in this mess. Protect Vanessa at all costs. I'll do the same.

"And what do you require from us?" I demand. Aro likes to play games, draw out the moment. Make his prey feel trapped and powerless.

Aro smiles, his grin stretching from ear to ear. It makes my stomach churn. He is supremely creepy. I've never hated anything more.

Studying me intently, he rises from his seat like a graceful ghost. He approaches me slowly, drawing out each step. I stop breathing, not wanting any part of his scent to penetrate my senses. I'm determined to maintain eye contact. He gets so close I have to tilt my head to do so.

His paper hands hover millimeters from my cheeks and hate burns in me.

"You," he whispers finally, his breath against my forehead. "That is what I require is you, Isabella."

I take a step back. He grins manically, pleased with my shocked retreat.

"No," Carlisle says. "Absolutely not! Bella is no bargaining chip."

"The safety of your daughter is your only priority," Aro says, throwing my words back at us. "Is this not correct?"

I nod, feeling the panic rise in my chest.

"What exactly do you require from me?" I ask, sounding much braver than I feel.

"Why," Aro says, reaching out to run his papery thumb across my forehead. I curse myself when he notices my wince. "Your beautiful gift of course, among other things."

His tone makes it clear that it's more than the protection I could provide. Much more. These _other things _he wants, it's obvious. He requires everything I have left.

To save my daughter I have to sell the small sliver of my soul that remains.

"I cannot stay here," I say, my voice cracking. "I'm a mother. I cannot stay."

"She cannot stay!" Carlisle yells, getting visibly upset for the first time since we were marched from our home.

"Carlisle, don't embarrass yourself," Caius hisses.

"You won't stay?" Aro asks voice low and dangerous.

"There must be a compromise here," Carlisle pleads.

"I'll come when you call," I suggest. "When the guard needs protection, I can come here, but I need to be with my family and my daughter. Please, only when my presence is required."

Aro turns to look at the two behind him. Caius shakes his head slightly and glares, demanding my ash. Marcus remains unmoved.

"You'll _come_ when I call?" Aro asks, grin menacing and voice lewd. His tone, combined with the violation of his intense gaze on my body, leaves little doubt what he means. That fragile bit of my heart that still remembers what it's like to love, that still remembers my husband, fractures. There's screaming in my head, even as I keep my jaw locked tight to prevent its escape. "Whenever I call?"

I look at Carlisle, eyes pleading. He'll tell me what to do. He has to tell me what to do.

Without thinking about it, I finger my wedding band. It only leaves my finger for cleaning and the occasional repair.

"There must be some limit, Aro," Carlisle says, calm again. "This is a compromise, after all. "

"What do you suggest, old friend?" Aro asks, smooth and slick and creepy as ever.

"Twice a year," Carlisle says. "You can call on her no more than twice a year as needed."

"Five times a year," Aro says with glee, apparently thrilled about this auction for my unlife.

"Five? She'll be in Italy more than she's home," Carlisle points out. "Be reasonable, Aro. Three times a year for eternity."

"Agreed," Aro says, grasping Carlisle hand in a firm shake. My father looks ill, as if touching the leader of the three causes him physical pain. The ancient vampire king shivers in pleasure at the contact. "A maximum of three times a year, as needed."

A sob catches in my throat, but I keep my head held high. I can feel the eyes of the guard on me critically. Carlisle's face falls. I don't blame him, but he obviously blames himself.

"Come when I call, Isabella," Aro says, reaching out to run this thumb over my bottom lip. It takes all my resolve to keep from cringing. He invades my personal space for a drawn out moment, tormenting me with his presence, before turning away and taking his seat once more. "You may go," he says, flicking his hand in dismissal. "Unless you care to stay for dinner of course."

At this moment the heavy wooden doors separating the throne room from the lavish entry way are pushed open. A parade of human tourists, marveling at the ancient architecture, is herded into the basilica. I really do cringe when I understand just what is happening.

I stare in horror, glancing up at Aro in hate.

Carlisle throws an arm around my shoulders, leading me out of the torture chamber with great haste. My body remains tensed in anticipation of a fight. Never before have I wanted to tear into flesh, to rip marble limb from marble limb, like I do in this moment.

We sit in a small room by the front doors of the castle, waiting for the safety of sundown. All the while Carlisle attempts to console me. His words are scrambled by the hate and disgust and fear clouding my head.

* * *

I don't speak until Carlisle gets us to a boat leaving from England. Half ways across the Atlantic I manage to form words.

"Tell me I'm doing what I have to do," I murmur, looking for the vampire that has become a father to me over the years with panicked eyes. "For her."

Carlisle sighs and looks more tormented than he did even when I was first turned.

"I hate it," Carlisle spits out. It's shocking to hear anything but compassion and understanding from him. "I loathe this, would do anything to prevent this. Almost anything. Vanessa must be protected. And I don't see another way. We'll find a solution, Bella. I won't let this be permanent, but for now this seems our only solution to keep Vanessa safe. Aro will have his way, and we are outnumbered, even with your gift. They have all the power, Bella, and we simply must figure out how to survive it."

"He wants me, Carlisle," I say, a sob catching in my throat. My voice breaks as the rest of me breaks as well. All the exhaustion and the pain seem to catch up with me all at once. I collapse into my father's shoulder, but his arms around me provide little comfort. "He wants me. And not just for this collection of his. He wants me."

"I know." Now it's his voice that is breaking. "I don't know how to protect you from this. I don't know how to protect you and Nessie at the same time. They have all the power and they can take her away, lock her in a dungeon and examine her for centuries. It's been done before."

"They have all the power," I repeat, in a bit of a daze. "Yet they want me for my power. Strange, isn't it?"

"Oh, Bella."

There are no words that can console either of us.

"He likes them small and powerful," I murmur. Felix's words hold a whole new meaning now. I shudder and shake against my father.

"We will fix this. Somehow, I will fix this, Bella."

"I'm doing what I have to," I repeat.

"You're doing what you have to," he agrees.

"For her."

"For her."

I let go of my husband a little more. That part of me where he lives also houses my humanity. Relying on the vampire is the only way to survive what comes next.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. So very much.**

**I just wanted to mention another thing I'm interested in exploring with this story. Along with playing around with all this canon stuff, I also wanted to incorporate some vampire mythology not really explored in the series. Part of that is this dark, creepy sex thing, so that's part of my thinking for taking the story this way. Drop me a review if you'd like to discuss this further.**

**I love you. Have a great weekend! Next chapter should be up real soon.**


	19. Darkness, Darkness

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and whatnot. I just love to hear from you. So this is another cliffy, but chapter 20 is done and with Donna, so the wait shouldn't be too long.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Donna is awesome.**

* * *

It takes me nearly a full two minutes to figure out where I am after my shield is once again fitted firmly around my mind. The smell and the feel is all Edward, but that seems impossible. I know it's impossible.

He hates me now, right?

That's what was going to happen. I was going to show him everything with Aro and he would have every right to hate me. I'm vile, dirty, tainted. The pure, lovely, human Isabella Marie Swan that he married a century ago is long gone. I'm so far removed from that good-hearted mortal I sometimes wonder if all these memories belong to me at all.

Slowly, I become aware that I'm being rocked. Edward's grip is almost painful as he strokes my hair.

This isn't right.

What exactly is going on here?

He seems to totally surround me. I sit in his lap, my face tucked against his neck. One hand cradles my head to his chest, while his other arm is wrapped firmly around my waist.

I open my mouth to speak, but find word formation to be incredibly difficult. Edward continues to rock me, and I become aware of a slight whimpering sound. It takes me another moment to realize that it's coming from Edward.

"Sweetheart?" I manage, my voice raspy and confused. Edward holds me tighter. I wince a little, but make no move to put space between us.

"I'm sorry," he mutters into my hair. "So, so very sorry."

Why is he sorry? I am the sorry one. Shouldn't I be comforting him? Apologizing to him?

"Edward?" I murmur as he continues to chant and rock.

I attempt to detangle myself from his body, but he holds firm. I let this continue for another thirteen and a half minutes before it gets really concerning.

"Edward!" I shout, forcefully pulling away so I can get a good look at him. He lets out a low whimper, sounding more like a wounded animal than anything and stares at me with wide eyes. The pain I see in his gaze destroys me.

"I'm so sorry," he says again.

"You don't hate me?" I ask with a terrified squeak.

"Bella, I told you I could never hate you," he assures me yet again, attempting to reach out and grasp my face between his hands. I jerk away, still not really believing it.

"You're not disgusted?" I ask, my voice shaking.

"I am!" he says, tugging at his hair. I flinch back as he growls. Seeing my reaction he immediately calms, taking a deep breath. This time when he reaches for me, I willing let him touch me. "Not with you, love. Never with you."

I let out a strangled breath and let my forehead rest against his throat. A sob escapes my chest, and he goes back to stroking my hair and rocking me.

"I'm disgusted with these vile overlords that call themselves protectors. I'm disgusted that you've gone through all this alone, that this was necessary to keep our daughter safe. I knew it would be something like this, was suspecting something like this, but it's worse. It's sexual assault. It's rape. It's slavery, Bella."

"Human concepts," I murmur. Before Edward came back, I really just didn't care that much. Everything is different now.

"For the vampire with the most humanity," he replies. "I hate this, Bella. I hate it."

I hold him a little tighter, my limbs shaking and my head aching. I'm so relieved that he understands. He doesn't hate me. I feel contaminated when I think about my arrangement with Aro, but Edward doesn't hate me. He is right here, angry and hurting, but supporting me.

"I love you," I mutter, my lips against his skin. "And I'm so sorry. I just don't know what else to do."

He shushes me and continues to rock. The motion combined with the solidness of his body eases my aching head over a long period of time. The night gets lighter as dawn approaches. Our daughter will expect me to be there when she wakes up.

With a heavy sigh I pull away.

"We'll figure it out, Bella," he murmurs, stroking my cheek and smiling softly. "I promise."

I'm not really sure what he means, and I cock my head to the side as I attempt to decode his words.

"Figure what out?" I ask, speaking slowly. Although I'm not sure why, I feel mounting tension.

"A way for you to stop," he says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Stop," I repeat, sounding like a total idiot. Now he's studying me in a way that I imagine is similar to the way I was looking at him a moment ago.

"Surely you don't plan to continue on this way," he says. I stand abruptly, taking a large step away.

"Surely you aren't asking me to put our daughter's life in danger by angering Aro," I reply, working to keep the hiss out of my voice.

"Don't say his name!" Now Edward is growling as he stands up and advances on me. "How can you possibly think this is okay?"

"I don't! None of this is okay, but I do the best I can with what we have. There is no choice!" I yell back.

Edward growls and leaps off our perch on the rock where we settled for me to share the very worst of it. Biting my lip I follow him, sliding down into the woods just in time to see Edward punching a hole, straight through the trunk of a nearby Ponderosa Pine. I wince, but really this is more like what I was expecting.

"I can't let you do this, Bella!" he yells, looming over me. I meet his gaze, but I so badly want to drop to the ground and go fetal. "How can you expect me to let you do this? You can't," he continues, losing some of his mad. His words are a harsh whisper, and I hate what this is doing to him. What I am doing to him.

Edward is devastated for me and I'm just making it worse. How can I do anything but make it worse?

"It's the only way to keep our daughter safe, Edward. They could very easily destroy us all. She's a curiosity to them, and this is how we keep her safe." I'm pleading with him to understand.

But it's total bullshit. How can I possibly ask him to understand this?

Edward stands completely still, staring at his feet. I study his face for any hint of a reaction. This is hurting him. I'm hurting him, and it makes me feel sick. For a long moment it looks like Edward is going to calm down, to be sad rather than angry, but then he brings the rage back.

"No," he snaps, his beautiful face contorting into an inhuman snarl. "No! There's another way to protect Vanessa, a way that protects you too. We'll find another way!"

For the first time tonight I get mad. Red hot anger seems to fill my veins as I shove him. He hisses as he takes a big step back and out of my personal space.

"Do you honestly think that I haven't spent the last sixty years wracking my brain for another fucking way?" I shriek, fingers pointing to my temple. "Are you really implying that I haven't desperately sought a different solution?"

The only solution I've managed to come up with in all this time is impossible, suicidal, and far too dangerous to even consider.

How did I not anticipate this reaction? Of course he wants me to stop. Am I really too stupid to have thought about responding to this? If I mentally prepared myself properly, then I could deal with this rationally and calmly.

I feel miles from rational and calm.

My options here are terrifying. Lose Edward or put Vanessa in danger.

"The only thing you seem desperate to do is continue your little _arrangement_ in Italy. Maybe you like it a little too much." I don't recognize this hissing voice or the vampire in front of me. He is so far removed from my husband in this moment.

His cruel words feel like a slap to the face, and I still immediately, retreating into myself. My head aches and it's a struggle but my face remains blank and impassive. His face goes from livid, to horrified, to apologetic and then back to livid.

"I have to go home," I murmur, not looking at him.

"What?" he snaps. I can tell just by his tone that he's not ready to let go of this fight. He's so angry, and there is no one else to yell at but me. No one to blame but me.

"Nessie is going to be up soon. I have to go," I repeat, turning south.

"We're not done here!" he yells.

"Yes, we are," I say. I glare at him as he takes a step towards me. He freezes when he takes in my expression. "We are done here for the moment. Come home when you're calm enough to keep from saying things you'll later regret."

And I'm gone, running full out towards Forks. Another dry sob hitches in my chest. He didn't mean it, I know he didn't mean it, but in this moment it doesn't particularly matter.

How quickly he went from viewing me as a victim to calling me a happy little whore.

His inhuman wail echoes through the forest: The sounds of him destroying more trees follows me for miles.

* * *

"Hey, Ma." Nessie kisses my cheek on her way to the refrigerator when I enter through the sliding glass door at the back of the house.

"Good morning, Vanessa," I greet, struggling to sound normal. I even manage a strained smile as I follow her to the kitchen. It's so difficult to remain composed around my daughter when I'm still so shaken.

I can't believe I left him all alone in those Canadian woods. How could I leave him alone and how could I get so out of control angry?

Oh right. He accused me of _liking it._

"Were you at the cabin?' Nessie asks, pulling leftover food from last night out of the fridge. She spends weekends with us now, but the circumstances last night changed up the routine.

"No," I reply, glad I'm being honest for once. "I was hunting."

I give a growl that is faux menacing as I lunge at her to demonstrate. She' not even a little scared and she impassively lets me kiss her forehead. She laughs when I pout at her lack of reaction.

The silly little distraction doesn't last long.

"If that was enough to scare me after being raised by vamps and wolves, then we'd have some big old problems wouldn't we?" she asks with far more sass than necessary.

"I suppose so."

"Where's Edward?" she asks as she takes a seat at the breakfast bar.

"Still in the woods I imagine," I reply. It feels as though something is squeezing my chest in a vice-like grip.

"He wasn't quite done with his Thanksgiving feast?"

Wow, our little party with the Quileutes was just last night. It seems so long ago.

"Something like that." I lean against the kitchen counter keeping Nessie company as she eats. My mind drifts, and try as I might to follow our casual conversation, Vanessa sees my distraction.

"Mom, you okay? Did Edward do something? Did you guys have a fight?" She attempts to remain unconcerned, but I can tell by the way she fidgets in her seat that she's nervous. I take it to mean that she doesn't want us to fight. Our daughter wants us to be together.

Yesterday, this revelation would have thrilled me. Today I find it terrifying.

"He didn't do anything, Ness," I say, bending the truth somewhat. I've never been comfortable lying to her, but all things Aro have always been the exception to that. "I'm just tired."

I rub my temples for emphasis.

"What did you show him?" Nessie asks quietly.

"Our encounter with the Volturi, Carlisle and I going off to Italy."

"Oh."

"It's so hard for him, Vanessa. He hates that we were in danger and he wasn't here to help," I explain when she looks confused.

For a moment out there in the woods I forgot that this is so hard for him. I was wrong to get so angry. I handled the whole thing terribly and then I just left him out there. What is wrong with me? What was I thinking?

I'll go back. As soon as I can ensure that I'm calm enough to handle it if he says any more horrible things he doesn't mean.

Except what if he meant it?

Oh, there is no way he meant it.

"Okay," Vanessa says again. "Well, it all worked out, right?" Now she just looks suspicious.

"For the most part," I begrudgingly agree. "But it's still upsetting."

I'm saved from further interrogation when my sisters flit down the stairs. Alice bounces over and kisses my cheek. I wonder how much she saw about what happened with Edward. The look of sympathy on her elfin face tells me that she saw enough.

"So did you convince your mom to come with us?" Rose asks, wrapping her arms around my daughter's shoulders from behind.

"Aw, come on, Aunt Rose. We both know she doesn't have what it takes," Ness says, grinning at me.

"Well, that's true," Alice muses.

I scowl at the smirking trio.

"I can handle anything," I insist, hoping that it's true. My daughter and sisters have a good laugh at that one. "What?" I demand, totally baffled.

"We're picking up Anna and heading to Port Angeles for Black Friday," Rose explains. I like Anna. She's Sam's daughter and around Nessie's age, sort of: Anna, Vanessa's first real friend that she can be completely honest with. It's a blessing for Nessie to have no secrets for the first time in her life.

"What the hell is Black Friday?" I ask, images of plagues and stock market crashes flicking through my head.

"Geeze, Mom," Nessie says with a groan. "It's like you live in a box."

They all laugh at me and I let out a frustrated growl.

"It sounds dangerous," I mutter.

There is something surreal about having such a painfully normal conversation given everything that just happened with my husband. My whole world feels altered, but here is my family, proving that some things remain unchanged.

"It's shopping, Bella," Alice explains, taking pity on me. "Everything goes on sale the day after Thanksgiving and all the little humans go out early to get the best deal."

I was wondering what had my daughter up and out of bed this early.

This is fucking bizarre. I left Edward alone and hurting in the woods after showing him the very worst of it and now I'm having a conversation about fucking shopping.

What is wrong with me? After all these mistakes I've made, do I even deserve a happily ever after with my husband?

"So worse than the Black Plague. I was right about the danger," I mutter.

Ness stares at me like I've lost my mind.

"So… do you want to come?" she asks brightly.

"Absolutely not."

"Lame," my daughter says with another groan. "You're missing out on girls day, Mom."

"My head hurts," I say simply. "Where is everyone else?"

"Esme is getting ready and coming with us. The boys were hunting before heading down to La Push to play football on the beach with the wolves. Carlisle is refusing to come out of his office. He has doctor reading to catch up on I guess," Alice explains.

Oh, thank God. I'll be all alone with my father for the first time since I brought Edward back from Chicago. I need a good talk with him. He's the only one I don't keep secrets from.

Well, and now Edward.

* * *

I loiter around until everyone leaves. The moment I hear the car containing the female members of my family reach the end of the driveway I'm in Carlisle's study. I flop face down on his dark leather love seat, groaning dramatically. My father doesn't even look up from whatever medical study he's pouring over at his desk.

"Hello, my dear," he says.

I let out another unintelligible groan into the leather. I hear Carlisle rise from his position. He touches my ankle and I lift my feet, allowing him to join me on the couch. I let them fall back into his lap.

"It's that bad?" he murmurs.

"Yes," I squeak out.

"What did you show him?"

More unintelligible grumbling from me.

"Bella," he says, obviously losing patience with my dramatics. "What happened?"

With a heavy sigh I sit upright next to my father. I bury my face in my hands, supported with my elbows on my knees.

"I showed him."

"He knows everything?"

"Yes."

"I figured you'd show him. After what he saw in the memories of the wolves."

"Yes."

"And he didn't take it well? Did he leave again?" Carlisle rises halfway out of his seat as if he's planning to chase down my errant husband.

"No," I murmur, feeling unbearably guilty. I ran off. I left him alone when he was so upset. I left this time, not him. "It was me. I left him in the woods to cool down. He'll be back, Carlisle. He wouldn't leave again. He wouldn't leave Vanessa."

"Right," he says, sitting back down. I lean back against the couch, hating myself. "Well, that's good, but will he leave you, Bella? He can be here and not be here, you know."

"I'm… not sure," I confess. "At first he was so sweet and understanding. He aches for me, Carlisle. He said he was sorry so many times."

"And then you fought?" he asks.

"It was my fault. I didn't think. I got angry. He wants me to stop but I don't know how. We've been trying to figure out how I can stop for half a century, Carlisle. It feels like I'll either lose Edward or I'll lose my daughter, and Vanessa comes first. She has to come first," I say, getting a little frantic. I bite my lip and manically braid my hair.

Carlisle grabs my hand, stilling my panicked movements.

"He said some awful things he doesn't mean, and I ran off before he could say more. I'm a coward who probably deserves to hear those terrible things," I mutter.

"Oh, Bella," Carlisle says. "You don't deserve anything but the life you were robbed of when he shipped off to France. I am so sorry you are in this position. I am so sorry I was unable to give you a better unlife. It's my failing, everything you go through."

Carlisle doesn't talk like this much anymore. Before Edward's appearance in Alaska, my father mostly came to terms with his guilt but it's back with a vengeance, too.

"And it's your success, Carlisle," I remind him. "Vanessa, finding Edward again, this family we've built, that's all your doing too. We take the good with the bad, Father of mine."

"Sometimes I think you are the wisest vampire I know," he says, giving my hand a squeeze. "We will overcome this too."

We sit in silence for a moment until I feel calm enough to open my eyes. I turn to face my father, sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"What do I do, Carlisle?" I whisper.

He sighs heavily, rubbing his temples with his forefingers. "Well, the specifics remain unclear to me," he says, "but I must say I'm in agreement with your husband."

I blink at him.

"What?"

"Your arrangement with Aro has never been sustainable, Bella. It can't go on forever. You cannot continue. It wears on you. It drains your humanity, hardens your heart."

Well, there is really no denying that, but before Edward came back, it really didn't matter. I was not overly concerned with the state of my heart before his miraculous return.

"It's my fault," he murmurs. "All my fault. I got complacent. You refused to talk about it and I hate to even think about it and between the two of us there was too much denial for us to actively seek a solution."

My guilt compounds. My anger at Edward for insisting I stop was misplaced. I should have agreed. I do agree, despite my fear that we'll put Nessie in danger, surely we can discuss an alternative.

Except I have spent a lot of time thinking on this and there is only one real solution and it is far too suicidal to truly contemplate.

"You've thought on it as much as I have," I murmur. "And you haven't come up with a practical solution anymore than I have."

Carlisle sighs, looking pained. "Perhaps a fresh perspective will have us considering something we previously over looked," he mutters.

I shrug, but don't have much faith.

"We need to consider telling the rest of the family," Carlisle suggest. "All together we might be able to come up with something."

"No," I say, horrified.

"Bella, it would be good for Edward to have someone to talk to about this. He will need support," he continues.

"He can talk to you or me," I insist, being stubborn. Logically I know I can't lie to my family forever, but I can't stand the thought of how they will look at me after they know.

"He'll hate me now," Carlisle whispers. "For letting this happen."

"That's unfair!"

"Not totally, Bella. I couldn't save you."

We are silent for a few moments. I consider my father's words.

"I was wrong wasn't I? To yell at Edward?" I murmur, looking to Carlisle for guidance as I've done so often in this unlife. It hasn't been easy but Carlisle and I survive. And we've made the best possible life for Vanessa.

So far, at least.

"Yes, I believe so. Although I can't be sure given the lack of details you've supplied me with. But it's not easy for you either, Bella. I know you're scared. I am too."

"What are we going to do, Carlisle?"

He sighs and puts an arm around my shoulder. I lean into him, resting my head against his shoulder.

"I don't know," he says softly. "We'll need to manipulate what we know about Aro, make the end of your arrangement seem like it's his idea. I'm just not sure how yet. But we'll figure it out, Bella. We always do."

"I'll always have to protect the monsters, won't I?"

"Probably."

"My head hurts."

"Go lie down," he suggests.

"I should really get back to Edward. Apologize."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, until my phone goes off in my back pocket. Alice's name illuminates the screen, and for one moment I think about ignoring her, but that decision never ends well for me. She wouldn't call if it wasn't important, given everything she knows I'm dealing with this morning.

"Bella!" she says, her voice a panicked whisper. "You have to get to Edward. He's hunting."

"What's wrong with that?" I ask, standing up and preparing to depart even though I don't understand yet.

"He's going to kill a human, Bella. He's hunting a human."

I don't even bother hanging up the phone before I take off, back to the Canadian woods where I left my extremely upset husband.

* * *

My speed is unprecedented. I go so fast I get sloppy, but I don't notice the branches tearing at my hair as I fly towards Edward. Somehow, even being so far away, I know in my bones that I'll be too late. I won't be able to save a life or prevent my husband from the crippling guilt he is sure to experience in the aftermath.

And it's my fault too. I should have never left him there alone, in the state he was in. This will be my burden to bear too.

Miles out I smell the blood, smell the human. My throat burns, but I do not allow for the distraction.

My heart breaks as my feet dig into the moist earth when I come to an abrupt stop. Edward sits crouched at the base of a tree, elbows on his knees, hands in his hair. He stares at the lifeless body some six feet away, sprawled out at an awkward angle at the base of the small incline.

The man's neck is broken, his blank eyes staring up at the canopy of the forest. A small trickle of blood mares the white skin just above the collar of his blue, puffy coat. Still, blood remains in the body. That is an extremely odd detail.

I spare it only a brief glance, not finding it in me to care much for this human life. My sole concern is for my obviously disturbed husband.

He doesn't look at me for a long moment and I stand still as a statue, mind blank on how to proceed.

Slowly he turns his haunted gaze on me. What I see in his eyes make my knees buckle.

"Oh, Edward," I murmur. "What have we done?"


	20. No Redemption

**So this story is called _By Way of Sorrow. _The word sorrow is in the title. Just a reminder, although I promise HEA.**

**Thank you so very much for the response to the last chapter.**

**I own nothing and Donna is the best beta.**

* * *

Immediately I become business like and detached. All I can focus on is how to fix it. With the exception of Carlisle and myself, everyone in my family has had their screw ups. We can deal with this. It happens.

"Okay," I say, studying the lifeless body at his feet. "It's okay."

Why do I keep saying this? It isn't remotely true.

"Bella—"

I cut him off. If he talks now I'll lose my fragile hold on my control. Later I can be angry and fall apart. Right now he needs my help.

"No," I say, talking over him. "We'll get rid of the body. No one can know. No one, Edward. I mean it. It's nearly impossible to keep a secret in this family but Nessie can't know. The wolves can't know. They'll dismember you."

"Maybe that's what I deserve."

But Nessie doesn't deserve that. I don't either. Although the wolves would disagree, I don't think even Edward deserves it.

"Your eyes… did you drink?" I say, grabbing his chin and tilting his face towards mine. I study his amber eyes. Although they appear slightly darker than when I left him, they are not the blood red typical of our kind.

"Not much," he says, his voice shaking. He rips so violently at his hair I worry he'll be bald for an eternity. Staying crouched in front of him, I take his hands in mine.

"What happened?" I'm a little bit in shock myself here, and I work to remain calm and detached.

Apparently I failed to recognize Edward's struggle with bloodlust. He always seems so firmly in control, even when he had Tyler Crowley by the throat. And I left him here, alone and upset and totally right. I share in the guilt of this loss of life.

"I was angry and hurting and he scraped the palm of his hand and I started hunting," Edward says, still frantic.

I'm special. I stay myself, even near bleeding humans who smell particularly tasty. My family members are not so lucky. Most have fallen to temptation at one point or another. Jasper in particular struggles, as does kindhearted Esme.

Fourteen years ago Emmett passed an old woman hanging up her laundry and was unable to resist the draw of her blood. It sang to him, was more potent than any thing he'd ever experienced. We forgave him, although I doubt very much that he's forgiven himself. It will be the same with Edward.

Eventually. Right now I'm experiencing too much raging emotions to forgive or really comprehend any of this. I keep it all locked down as I determine how to proceed from here.

"But you didn't drink?" I ask, calm and detached. I've never seen Edward so freaked out and it seems even more necessary to be the strong one here.

"Not much," he repeats. "There was screaming and I remembered that I don't do _that _anymore, that you wouldn't want me to."

He looks at me with wild eyes, needing me to tell him if he was right.

"No, I wouldn't want you to do that," I assure him, speaking so quickly the words blur together. He squeezes my hands painfully hard.

"Before he was thinking things… violent, sexual things… I don't know if it was rape but… I hated him, Bella." My stoic composure and quiet disapproval crumbles slightly for the first time. This is so complicated and so my fault.

"Oh, Edward," I murmur, resting my forehead against his.

"I could drink," he says, half rising from his crouched position. "What's the harm in it? The damage is already done."

"No," I say, pushing him back into a sitting position. "Your eyes, Edward. Drink now and we'll have to run away. And it will change you. The blood will change you."

He whimpers and nods. "The screaming reminded me to stop, but it was too late. I bit him... the venom. I had to break his neck."

I wince, but manage to refrain from looking at the corpse that lies at the base of the small hill where Edward is crouched. There is no room for redemption for a vampire. One moment of lost control and it's over. Getting your poisonous teeth in a human is a death wish, even if you summon the control to stop. The venom will cause the change, even if you just take a few drops of blood. Edward had to kill the human or deal with consequences of turning him.

This is better.

"It will be okay," I say, business like once more. I am robotic and detached and plan to stay this way for the foreseeable future. "This will be fine. There is nothing about this death to make the wolves suspicious. He died alone in rough country of a broken neck, not of blood loss. I'll drop the body off that rocky cliff into the river a mile back. Between the fall and the fish and the water, it's doubtful the body will be found at all."

Edward states at me in horror although I have no idea why. What did he expect when I found out? That I would make him leave? Surely he knows better by now.

"But I killed him," Edward whispers. "He had a life and people who cared for him and I snuffed it out, Bella. Life. Remember life? I should be punished."

I slowly get to my feet, cocking my head to the side as I study him. In only a few months he has gone from full-blown vampire to ravaged with guilt, aching with humanity.

"Your guilt will be your punishment," I tell him, feeling so incredibly sad. "I'm not innocent here either, Edward."

"What?" he snaps.

"You're right, that I can't carry on this way. I left you here and I was wrong and you were a wreck," I murmur, reaching out to run my fingers through his hair.

"I… Bella… I…"

"Okay, there is really no need to talk about this now," I say.

"I've made a mess of everything," he groans, sounding unbearably miserable. "It's never felt like this before."

He rubs the heel of his hand into the place where his heart sits still in his chest.

"That pesky humanity," I say, covering his hand with mine. "It's new to you."

"How can I ever even look her in the eye again? After this?"

My heart hurts, as does my head.

"Nessie is wise and understanding and kind," I say, absolutely hating this. "But we've all worked very hard to protect that joyful innocence of hers. She can't know, Edward. Nothing can change. And the wolves would try to kill you. It would get ugly."

"I know."

"And it can't happen again."

"It won't."

"Be better now, Edward."

"I will."

I wipe the blood off the corner of his mouth with my thumb, cleaning my finger with a nearby leaf. If the wolves somehow happen upon this spot in the next few days (unlikely but possible) we're screwed. We'll be hunted and everything we've built with our allies will be destroyed.

I can't even think what it would do to Nessie.

But I'd kill them all for Edward, even if our daughter would hate me for it.

There is nothing we can do about our scent and the smell of the dead. Just pray for rain and luck.

I give Edward my best attempt at a smile as he gazes up at me with wide eyes. With one more look, I turn on my heel to figure out this body situation.

There isn't much blood, but I shiver slightly when I get a good whiff.

Yummy.

I pat him down, looking in pockets and through his bag for any way to identify him. There is nothing.

The whole thing is quite tragic, and that unnatural bend in his neck is rather unpleasant looking. I lean down to haul up the body, planning on tossing it over my shoulder.

"Don't."

Edward's low whisper stops me.

"You shouldn't have to do that. I'll do that," he continues.

I let him, but refuse to look. The image of my husband with a lifeless body thrown over his shoulder is not one I want burned into my brain.

I take Edward's hand, looking at our feet as I lead him to the looming cliff perfect for body disposal. It's morbid, but I'm numb to it. I let the vampire stay in control because I don't want to feel this.

I look away when Edward dumps the body in the river.

He squeezes my hand.

"Did we pray?" he murmurs.

I look at him. He stares at the river.

"Just now?" I ask, confused.

"No. When we were living, breathing people. When we had life. Remember life?"

"Yes. We prayed. Daily. Extra on Sundays," I reply, totally in awe of the man next to me.

"Do you remember how?" he asks, his voice almost getting lost in the wind.

I look at the river. The body, what once used to be a person, is long lost in the current.

"Barely," I reply.

"Do you think you could try?"

"Okay," I whisper feeling vulnerable and small. I'm still holding his hand. "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from e…evil."

My voice breaks over the last word.

"For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever and ever," I whisper.

I have no idea where this comes from. It probably has nothing to do with death or Christian lore for putting someone to rest, but it's all I've got. It feels haunting. I squeeze Edward's hand like a lifeline.

"Amen," says my undead husband.

* * *

We wander back to our cabin, not really knowing what else to do. It's too quiet. For a moment I think we're ghosts but we have to open the front door when we get home.

I hold onto Edward like he's the only thing keeping me tethered to this world. All that strength I've managed to uphold for the last several days seems to drain right out of me.

"Bella?" Edward asks into my hair. I lean heavily on him to keep from collapsing.

"I'm fine," I murmur. "We have to burn these clothes. The blood is there. It's faint, but there."

Edward stokes the flames and then we strip each other, throwing each item in the fireplace. He reaches for me when the deed is done. I stumble slightly against him, letting out a quiet whimper.

The throbbing in my head just gets worse, although I'm not sure why.

"Bella?" He's pleading with me, wants something from me. Again, he rubs his palm into his chest, as if this action alone can dispel the ache. It won't. Nothing will.

I don't have the energy for words, but we need to shower, to wash away the stench of death from our skin. Keeping his hand in mine, I lead him to the shower and turn on the water, as hot as it will go.

We stand under the spray, staring at each other. His eyes are wide with horror and I can't seem to do anything but look back at him with heartbroken exhaustion. Still, he needs something from me. Wants something from me.

He reaches out, hand digging into my hip as he pulls me flush with his body. I touch his heated skin, thinking about him as a human. I wonder what the human Edward killed left behind. Did he have a family? A mother? A child? Someone who loved him as much as I love Edward?

I push the useless thoughts away.

He is hard against my stomach, and I look down, somewhat puzzled by what I feel there. Slowly, I tilt my gaze to his, cocking my head to the side as I study him. There is such intense need there, a desperation that almost scares me. He does nothing but look at me, his thumb caressing my hipbone.

His eyes seem to say please. I nod in response.

My feet leave the ground. As he holds me against the tile, my hand fists in his hair, and he's inside me, his pace demanding. A growl stirs in my chest as my body hums to life. I let it take over, the passion and the need. After all the death, this is as close to life as a pair of vampires can hope to get.

Sighs of joy and laughter are absent. This is about something else. It's part comfort, part primal need.

Tile cracks against my back, and instead of backing off, I demand more. His hands are rough and mine are no gentler.

My eyes never leaves his, but eventually his haunted gaze becomes too much. I kiss him as I watch, wanting to dispel the hurt raging in him. I never want him to hurt, and this seems like my only course of action in the moment.

The hitching of his breath sounds like sobs, and I swallow his sounds, my teeth sinking into his lower lip. He groans and grunts as I absorb his punishing thrusts, the pleasure laced with far too much pain. My body responds, and somehow it takes this for me to realize that I'm mad at him. He killed someone and I'm mad at him, but also so many other things. Mad is only a very small portion of the complicated whole.

He shifts his hips, hitting some spot deep within that has me crying out. I didn't imagine myself capable of getting there, but the demon craves this release. A few more disjointed thrusts and Edward joins me, letting out a wail that is part growl, part sob.

My arms come around his neck, and I hug him to my chest. He pushes his face into my neck, kissing me in a way that has me shivering despite my exhaustion.

"I'm sorry," he whispers against my skin.

"I'm sorry," I reply.

When he sets me on my feet, I find my legs are unable to support my weight and I slide boneless to the floor. I pull my knees to my chin, and glance up, somewhat confused as to how I got down here.

Edward's expression is unfathomable as he squirts shampoo into his hand. He kneels next to me and washes my hair. Closing my eyes, I hum in pleasure. His fingers against my scalp sooth my head ache.

My hair is thoroughly tangled from all the running, but he manages anyway. I angle my head to better let the water rinse my hair, and then silently demand the shampoo. He lets me wash his hair, and then we rub each other down with soap, making sure we smell nothing but clean to sensitive noses.

The water runs cold. Our bodies no longer hold the heat.

Edward helps me to my feet as we push through the glass door and then he dries my hair. I stumble against him when he attempts to move away to grab a towel. My legs still aren't functioning properly.

"Bella?" Edward says with a slight growl. He is very obviously concerned.

I just mumble under my breath. He gets the hint and guides me into the bedroom. He even has to lift me into bed and I smile faintly at the way he settles me carefully under the down comforter, amongst the unnecessary amount of fluff and pillows.

I tug insistently on his wrist until he crawls in next to me.

"I'm so tired, Edward," I whisper, my lips pressed into his neck.

"I know, love."

"Can we sleep?"

"I wish."

"Close your eyes and pretend," I instruct.

Edward makes a skeptical little sound in the back of his throat, but his eyes drift shut anyway. I smile dreamily before closing mine as well.

"I love you," I say.

"That seems just as impossible as pretending to sleep."

"I'll teach you." I wonder if he knows I'm talking about both things here. "Breathe like a human. Match my breath."

He does.

"Listen to the wind. Meditate. Clear your mind."

We stay like that for a long time.

* * *

"You were right," I say when I finally feel like my head has rested enough to speak again. I can tell by Edward's stillness in the last couple of hours that he's given up on the pretend sleeping, but he stays right here with me anyway until it no longer feels like my head is splitting in two.

"Well, that's certainly not something I've heard very often."

I giggle and snuggle a little closer.

"I'm serious here, Edward. I can't do it forever, but I'm so scared."

"Don't be scared, love," he says. It takes me a moment to realize that while I rested, Edward brooded. Now his distance breaks my heart.

I pull back to get a good look at his face. I might as well be staring at a brick wall, for all the insights it gives me to his head.

"No, that's the wrong thing to say. You should be scared, Edward. You need to understand how fucking scary this is." His eyes go wide, but I press on. "The Volturi are like some fable to you. An old folk tale or a bedtime story, the guardians of our world who protect our secret. You've heard whispers, but I've been part of it. They are scary, Edward. They have all the power and we have to tread carefully, but I'll try. We'll try."

"Okay," he murmurs. "We'll try."

"We have to keep her safe," I remind him.

"I know. We will." He gets quiet for a moment and he reaches for me, but then lets his hands drop. I frown at him. "How do you do it, Bella?"

"Do what, now?"

"Have so much strength. How do you stay so strong?"

"I don't know," I whisper. "I don't feel very strong. I got lucky in some ways. I had to be, for Nessie."

"For Nessie."

"Also, it's your mother," I say. Still a century later the memory hurts the place where my heart once beat in my chest.

"My mother?"

"God, did I love your mother. I think about her dying and how much it hurt. I think about what it felt like for you to die and what it felt like to be responsible for your mother's pain and that's why I don't want to kill people," I explain.

"Did a vampire kill my mother?" Edward asks, sitting up slightly. This is another failing of mine that I haven't managed to tell him about the end of his parent's life.

"No, nothing so extraordinary as that. Disease. Spanish flu. Do you remember the epidemic?" I ask.

"Just at the end of the newborn phase," he mutters. I can tell by the look on his face and the way he tugs on his hair that he's once again wracked with guilt. "We rather thought it a feast. James was thrilled to prey on the grieving but even then I preferred the dying. They teased me for my soft heart endlessly, I didn't understand why I was like that until you."

I give him a soft smile, but it hurts my face,

"You amaze me, Bella, with your strength."

"It's easier with the memories and the daughter, to hold on to those human parts. And now you have that too."

"And now I have it too."

"Edward," I murmur, taking his hand. Relief sweeps through me when he laces his fingers through mine. "What's wrong?"

He gives me a look, clearly questioning my sanity because right now everything is wrong.

"Besides the obvious," I explain, my thumb running over his knuckles.

Edward closes his eyes and drops my hand. He pinches the bridges of his nose, and then refuses to meet my eye.

"I'm a monster, Bella," he whispers.

"Aren't we all," I reply.

"You're not."

"I am," I insist. "I really am."

How many vampires have I helped the Volturi dismember for Aro's twisted purposes? How many times have I let the being I hate most in this world touch my skin?

"I'm worse."

"The monster is part of you," I tell him. "But it isn't what you are. The demon is there, waiting and wanting, but you are learning to find balance. You also have a good heart. You are a wonderful father and a loving husband, even if you don't know what that really means yet."

Edward lets out a huff of disgust, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm no better than _him,_" he says with a hiss. "How can you even stand to let me touch you?"

I stare at him for a long moment, having no idea what he means by this.

"You are nothing like him," I whisper.

"Bella," he says, still unable to look at me, it seems. "What just happened in the shower… you didn't want that… and I don't know where it came from, but I'm not any better than—"

I slap him because he has officially deteriorated into the realm of the obscene and absurd.

He hisses and I see the demon flash in his eyes briefly.

"You are _nothing _like him," I say with a growl, using my hands on his cheeks to make him meet my eyes. I caress the spot where I hit him, feeling guilty. "You needed something in the shower and I needed to give it to you, Edward. I love you. That's just how it works. And it wasn't just you. Sex together is as close to living as we get, and I needed it too after so much death."

He nods.

"Now hold me and just don't talk for awhile."

* * *

"There was no ID on the body," I murmur into Edward's chest some time later. "Nothing to indicate who he was or why he was so far out in the wilderness on his own, but I'll keep an eye out on the missing persons for the area, send money if I can find his family."

Edward sighs and strokes my hair. "It hardly seems like anything at all."

"It isn't," I agree. "And it won't replace what he was to whoever loved him. But it might make life for those left behind a little easier to survive."

My husband nods, but doesn't say anything else. He closes his eyes and I wonder if he is pretending to sleep. More likely, he is just done talking about it.

We stay in bed for the remainder of the evening and into the night, talking in whispered promises and regrets. We share our guilt and we heal, or try to anyway. I pretend to sleep. Edward watches me, tracing his fingertips over bare skin. We assure each other that this is real, what we are is real, and that everything will be all right some day.

It's so comfortable and warm in this bed, hunkered down with Edward. I feel cozy. I didn't even know it was possible for a vampire to feel anything like cozy, but here in our little cabin in the woods, in this plush bed with all it's puffy accouterments, I feel cozy.

I never want to move again.

We try our best to work through the guilt, to grapple with everything that has happened, but I know it will take time. Given Edward's state, probably a great deal of time.

But day breaks, the sun gets higher in the sky, and I remember that I am a mother. Nessie does the reminding.

"We should get up," Edward murmurs into my hair as we both recognize the delicate footsteps on the damp path that connects the big house to the cabin.

"Urggg, merr."

Edward chuckles at my incomprehensible groaning before sobering once more.

"Should I leave? I don't deserve to be around her, after what I did. I'm a monster, Bella," he says, starting to panic.

I catch his face in my hands, glaring at him. "You are not a monster," I whisper. This is probably a conversation we'll be having a lot in the coming weeks as he deals with his actions. "Monsters do not feel guilt. You did something very bad and you better not do it again and the guilt of it is never going to leave either of us fully, but this is not about what you deserve. This is about what Nessie deserves, and she deserves a father. So suck it up, and act like her dad."

He nods, eyes wide.

"Come now," I say, pulling the comforter off my body. "We wouldn't want our daughter to get an eyeful now would we?"

With a heavy sigh I pull Edward out of bed and push into the ridiculous Alice closet. He runs his hands up and down my sides, nibbling on my neck as he walks me forward. It wakes my body up.

We are dressed and calm and seated in the living room when Nessie skips into the cabin. She is bright and happy. I find her good mood contagious, and let her joy and innocence sooth me, but Edward has a hard time letting go of his tension.

He broods. Nessie notices. She asks him if he's okay and he attempts a bright smile, but our daughter is not fooled.

Letting out a big sigh she gets up, extending a hand down to Edward where he sits in his typical spot in the easy chair.

"Come on," she says, hauling him up when he takes her hand. "Let's go play the piano. That always makes me feel better."

As he follows her the smile on his face is genuine.

* * *

I'm relieved to see that the house contains just my family members when we make the short walk back. Edward and Nessie disappear upstairs to the music room, and I call a family meeting. Jake most certainly cannot be around for this one.

Despite lecturing Edward on the necessity of keeping this death a secret, I have to fill my family in. Better than anyone they'll understand. The seven of us sit gathered in the living room. They remain silent through the tale, already having some idea of what happened from Alice's vision.

"It's partially my fault," I murmur after giving them all the pertinent details. "He's so new to this life, and I took his control for granted."

"Why was he out there alone in the first place?" Jasper asks. I understand his confusion. I left out the facts concerning Edward's agitated state, desperate to keep this secret from my family for a little while longer.

There is only so much I can handle all at once. I can't do it, not now. They will see me different, and I'm still so fragile that their reaction would be the end of me.

"I hadn't told him about the Volturi," I say, attempting to wrap my lie in truth. It's how I've always managed to survive this way. "He was upset, feels like I'm in danger when I go, plus I was basically lying to him about it. We fought and I left before he could say anything he would regret. I shouldn't have left him out there like that."

There. Mostly truth.

"You couldn't have known, Bella," Rose says, being shockingly understanding. Although she still doesn't like Edward, apparently she has seen the difference in me. He brings me so much joy that Rose has lain off with the bitchiness in recent months, for the most part. "These things do happen."

Edward obviously can hear every word of this conversation, and it makes me happy that he is seeing the support he'll receive from my family.

His family too.

"And we couldn't really have created better circumstances," Jasper puts in. Although I appreciate his clear-headed approach to the situation, his insensitivity rankles. "The wolves won't know, and it sounds like this human was something of a wanderer. He won't be missed for a while and it's far enough away that there will be no suspicion on us."

I hum my agreement, thankful that even Edward's eyes remain almost unaltered. It's easy to cover up, almost so easy I feel even guiltier. But despite Edward's call for his own punishment, getting caught would be catastrophic.

"Bella," says Emmett, being serious for once in his unlife. "He's new. Like, really fucking new, especially given how he's lived for a century. That's a lot of bad habits to break. And no offence, you are a little freak and not exactly the optimal person to understand where he's coming from with that crazy control of yours. I'll talk to him. It'll be good for me too. Sometimes I still just want to drain the whole town."

"Me too," says Jasper.

"And me," murmurs Esme.

I look around at this wonderful family of mine, feeling like my heart is going to burst. I nod my thanks, too overcome to really speak.

* * *

We walk back to the cabin as the sun goes down. Nessie chats excitedly between the two of us, and I listen with half an ear as I watch Edward. The far away look in his eye scares me. It's like he's gone somewhere I can't follow.

* * *

**These last couple chapters have been hard to write, so I imagine they are difficult to read as well. It will get better.**

**Edward has been killing for a long time. I don't think it would be so easy to stop, especially given his heightened emotions. He is a vampire, after all. **

**Thank you for sticking with me.**


	21. The In Between

**Thank so you very much for the support. I love you all and because I love you all, I must ask you to please, please trust me.**

**I don't own.**

**Thanks to Donna.**

* * *

"What's with Edward these days?" Nessie asks as I drive her to school on her first day back from Christmas break.

"What do you mean?" I ask, knowing full well exactly what she means. "Didn't you like your Christmas present?"

This is a diversionary tactic on my part and I feel like a bad parent.

"It was awesome!" she squeaks. "Except it's too hard for me to play myself. Uncle Emmett is going to help me record Edward playing it and put it on my iPod and everything for when I go to sleep."

Vanessa's love for the lullaby Edward finally unveiled on Christmas brings me such endless joy. It even makes up for the fact that she still refers to him as Edward.

"That's a good idea," I comment.

"Thanks."

"You should tell your father about that," I recommend. He'll like this, knowing just how much Nessie loves the song.

"Okay. Do you think that will pull him out of his funk?"

Damn, we're right back to the beginning, exactly what I was hoping to avoid.

Edward has indeed been in a post-murdering funk. Try as he might to keep it from our daughter he just can't manage the light heartedness he once displayed in those few glorious weeks between when they started with the piano lessons and Thanksgiving when everything went to shit.

For weeks he was in such a dark place I was hesitant to let him out of my sight. I feared he might just disappear, leaving us to live an unlife free from the guilt and pain that comes with his reemerging humanity.

Because of the animal blood and his new familial ties, he feels this one human death more acutely than all the thousands before. It's as if this one lost human life comes to represent every person Edward ever killed. My husband remembers every thought of every victim and it's all back in his head. Their final moments haunt him now.

While he once saw the killing as necessary and natural, now he regrets every life he took. The guilt is effectively crushing my husband.

Over the last few months he's taken to having long discussions on guilt and humanity and death with Esme, Jasper and Emmett. These three all struggle with control and the horror that comes with losing it more than the rest of us, and they leave for hours at a time to talk.

Rose dubbed the gatherings BLA, blood lust anonymous.

I feel so lost because I'm special. I'm lucky. I can't relate to Edward and I have no way to make it better for him.

I participate in the destruction of demons only and working for the guard brings enough guilt. I can't imagine what Edward is going through as he comes to accept that he's been responsible for all that death.

"Mom?" Nessie asks. "You listening?"

"Of course," I lie. "He's fine."

Vanessa just gives me a disbelieving look.

"This is a big adjustment for him too, Vanessa," I say, even if this only partially explains Edward's depression. "Just think about how much his unlife has changed in just a few months. He's not used to loving anything at all."

"Do you think he loves us?" she asks. I'm not sure how avoiding one heavy conversation has somehow led us to another.

"Yes," I answer immediately. "Very much, even if he doesn't know that love is the right word."

It's difficult to explain, especially to our daughter.

"He doesn't know what love means?" she asks, shocked.

"He knows that he would do anything for us, that he would die to keep us safe. He wants to be better for us and he can't bear the thought of being away from us. He just hasn't quite figured out a word to describe what he feels. He's spent the last century having no idea what love feels like but he'll figure it out soon enough," I say, a little surprised by my own impassioned speech.

Nessie sniffs and wipes away a tear. I take her hand, feeling guilty for bringing up such an intense topic right before school.

"He was probably really sad and lonely, huh?" she murmurs.

"Yes."

"I wish he found us sooner."

"Me too."

I pull into the drop off lane at the middle school. I lean over to kiss her cheek.

"I love you, Vanessa. More than the birds and the trees and the flowers."

"Love you back."

She pauses when she gets the door open.

"Something bad happened, huh?"

We just look at each other for a long moment. I keep my face blank, by my daughter finds an answer there anyway.

"Okay," she says, nodding. "I probably don't want to know anyway. I'm going to school now. Love you."

And then she's gone, leaving me feeling like we've reached some sort of understanding.

* * *

Another month passes and Edward gets happier. He forgives himself a little more, refocuses on the joy that is our family.

In February Victoria calls my cell, apparently getting the number from the Denali's. I begrudgingly hand the phone over to my husband. She calls to check in, to see if he's "done with the brunette yet." I get grumpy even as Edward explains that this is the real deal. Apparently she's still nomading it up somewhere in eastern Canada with her creepy mate.

Edward doesn't tell her about Vanessa. She's our closely guarded secret and only trusted friends and the Volturi know of her.

Victoria doesn't mention James, and Edward doesn't ask, but she tells Edward she misses him. I don't like it, but it doesn't seem to matter at all to my husband, although he remains annoyingly fond of Victoria.

My daughter gets closer to her father everyday.

He takes her to school when I am unable to one morning. Nessie forgets to mention that she signed up to bring cupcakes to a school function until we are walking out the door.

Edward conquers his fear of driving and safely delivers our daughter to school while I brave the grocery store for desert.

Somehow it becomes part of the daily routine. Every morning Edward and I venture to the big house from the cabin in the morning before Nessie awakens. We converse with my siblings and parents. Edward becomes closer with them every day too, particularly his fellow members of BLA.

The only downside is Carlisle. My husband only speaks to my father when necessary or when addressed directly. I think on some level Edward blames Carlisle for my arrangement with the Volturi. In reality, my predicament would have been so much worse without Carlisle. Most of my time would be spent in Italy or I would be ash and they'd have Ness locked away in some basement, a curiosity. I desperately want to lecture Edward into bonding with my father, but Carlisle tells me not to.

But things with our daughter are so lovely it's easy to push all the bad from my mind for the most part. Nessie kisses my cheek and then Edward's every morning in greeting. It amazes me daily.

Edward also becomes part of the evening routine. We are back at the house by the time Nessie gets home. Most nights are quiet. There is homework and piano lessons and reading. Edward doesn't come upstairs for bedtime, but he gets a good night kiss on the cheek.

Weekends are the best. Since the best day of my existence Nessie has been spending Friday and Saturday nights with us in the cabin. More than anything sleeping (or fake sleeping) under the same roof makes me feel like we're really a family.

Things are so good and we are so happy I almost forget the darkness looming over us, but we are running out of time. It is a new year. I can be called to Italy at any moment.

Edward, Carlisle, and I take to slipping away during the night with no explanations. It's suspicious, but my family remains shockingly silent on the matter. Maybe after the turmoil of the last few months they are content to let us go in peace.

For hours we brainstorm. It is frustrating and heart breaking and we get no where.

* * *

"Have you considered conducting yourself more like Jane?" Carlisle suggests one night. I'm perched on a low hanging tree branch. My father leans up against the trunk, while Edward paces around in the clearing at my feet.

"You want me to act like sadistic bitch?" I ask, not even surprised that our idiotic ideas are getting this ridiculous.

"Well, no," Carlisle says, watching Edward stomp around. "You are not that talented of an actress. Maybe if you act all devoted and obsessed with Aro, he will lose interest."

Edward, predictably, growls and kicks down a nearby pine. These meetings leave him so angry and frustrated. I hate what it's doing to him, but have no way to make it any easier on him. We won't be able to come up with a solution without discussing my terrible arrangement.

When we first started sneaking away to have these little talks, I would try to soothe Edward, but it quickly became apparent that he needs an outlet for his anger. Better the trees receiving his physical abuse than me receiving the verbal.

Afterwards, when we crawl into our bed, that's when he'll let me sooth him.

"You want me to act like a clingy girlfriend?" I repeat. "You want me to smother the worlds most powerful vampire?"

"It's not a quick fix, but in the long run—"

Edward starts growling again. Understandably, he doesn't want me to go to Italy again without some sort of guarantee that I won't touch Aro, but it's just not realistic. To get out of this in a way that still ensures my daughters safety is gong to take finesse and subtlety, and regrettably, time.

"I could try that on top of something else, I guess," I say unenthusiastically. I don't think I have it in me to moon over Aro the way Jane does.

"This is such bullshit!" Edward hisses, dismantling the tree he kicked over. "You're not fucking going back to Italy."

I sigh, unwilling to put in the effort to bring him back to his senses.

"We really aren't getting anywhere, Bella," Carlisle agrees.

"Let's just burn them," Edward yells. "Burn them all."

"It's a death sentence," Carlisle murmurs. "All of us will burn."

In my head, the vague outline of a plot forms in my head. It will still take time and finesse, but I'll start with Felix. Treading carefully, I will ask the right questions. Hopefully he's the one who comes to get me next.

"I refuse to believe that!"

"Well, just because you refuse to believe it doesn't mean it's any less true," Carlisle snaps. Normally, my father does a good job staying calm and weathering Edward's hatred, but it seems even his seemingly endless patience is coming to an end.

Edward growls and advances on my father.

"Enough!" I yell. Both men begrudgingly relax.

"Bella, I'm not doing this again. We are driving ourselves crazy and are getting nowhere. You have to tell the family," Carlisle says, turning to give me that stern father look of his.

"I know," I whisper, feeling my stomach turn at the thought.

Carlisle opens his mouth to argue further, but then deflates when my easy agreement takes him by surprise. "Oh," he mutters. "Right. Good."

"Look, I said I'd try anything and I will," I explain, sitting up and letting my legs swing below me. "That means bringing the rest into these brainstorming meetings, than I'll tell them everything, but the next time some one comes to collect me, I'm going to Italy, Edward."

Predictable he growls and starts beating up trees.

"If I don't go, they'll come here!" I yell over the sounds of his rage. "They can't come here!"

"So you'll tell them?" Carlisle says, ignoring my husband. "When?"

"Nessie is in La Push with Anne this weekend," I whisper, feeling sick.

"This weekend," Carlisle repeats, nodding.

I hop out of the tree to go hug Edward. He wraps himself around me, squeezing me so desperately it almost hurts. We walk home in silence.

* * *

"So how's the husband?" Sam Uley leans back in his chair and tilts a beer to his lips. I sit next to him in the sand, watching my daughter, Jake, and Anne bob on surfboards in the grey waves of La Push. "He was not too happy last time I saw you guys."

"He had good reason to be pissed," I mutter, thinking back to Thanksgiving. "I really should have told him about the Volturi thing long before that. I am a stupid, stupid, vampire."

I wiggle my bare toes in the cold, damp sand and lean back on my elbows. Nessie attempts to catch a wave and fails. I should really be getting home. Nessie is spending the night and I was supposed to just drop her off, but I haven't seen Sam in months and I still don't quite trust Jake and Nessie near water after the cliff-jumping incident.

But if I'm being truly honest with myself, I'm loitering to avoid the upcoming family discussion as long as possible. They are going to look at me different. They are gong to be so angry with me for lying.

"Bells, you are the least vampireish vampire I know. You even smell better. Slightly. Still gross though," Sam says.

I roll my eyes. "You aren't even a wolf anymore."

"Still got the nose." He taps the crooked appendage. He broke it as a wolf at some point, but it healed too quickly to straighten it out.

We go back to silently watching our children.

"We're the lucky ones, Bella," he says, suddenly serious. "To have found what we have in this crazy supernatural world."

I murmur my agreement as my phone goes off in my back pocket. I assume it is Edward hurrying me home, and I frown in confusion when my father's name illuminates the screen.

"Carlisle?" I answer.

"You need to come home," he says without preamble. "Right now."

He hangs up immediately. I'm on my feet, shoes in hand, racing back to my car a second later.

* * *

Although deep down I know what's happened, I don't even think about it as I walk into the tense scene in the living room. It's apparent that the members of my family were arguing, probably stopping at the sound of my approaching car.

Carlisle is worried, pacing around in the living room. Esme looks both confused and concerned while Emmett wears a similar expression. Rosalie looks pissed, as is the usual. Jasper sits on the couch, eyes closed, head in his hands. I can feel his feeble attempt to calm the room, but it's hard on him with this many vamps feeling so many things.

The look Alice gives me makes me shudder. It's disturbingly knowing and so full of pity. My gaze moves past them all to where Edward stands on the back porch, facing away from me as he stares into the forest. His shoulders are tense and his hands dig into the wooden railing.

"Alice got a vision. Felix will be here for you in a week. Edward completely lost it," Rosalie supplies, breaking the silence. It's exactly what I expected, but the information still makes my hands shake.

One week and I'll be back in Italy.

"He says he won't let you go," Esme continues, softer and nice than my sister. "We asked why and he said it was for you to explain."

My dead heart lurches in my cold chest, and I turn a panicked gaze on Carlisle. I've brought this on myself, refusing to tell them for so many months. But really, it won't change anything. The more I think about it, the more I come to realize there is only one way out and it's something that none of them can know about: None of them.

"It's time, Bella," he mutters. Alice nods.

Esme hisses something, angry as it becomes clear that Carlisle once again kept something from her at my request, but I don't listen. I'll take on the guilt of that later.

In a flash I'm outside next to Edward, prying his fingers out of the holes he dug into the railing. He doesn't look at me, but returns my fierce hug when he wraps his arms around me. I push my face into his chest, closing my eyes and attempting to soothe my head.

"You can't go, Bella," he whispers, tightening his grip as if he plans to physically keep me here.

"Edward," I say. "I promised we would come up with an alternative, but we have no plan. If I refuse to go with Felix the whole guard will descend upon us and we'll lose. Even if by some miracle we all survive, they will take our daughter. They'll probably walk away with Alice and me too, somehow. I know how they operate, Edward, and our number one priority needs to be keeping the guard on the other side of the world."

He stares at me for a long, painful moment before nodding almost imperceptibly.

"What do we do?" he whispers.

"I have to go," I say miserably.

"Bella—"

"Please don't ask me to stay," I say with a groan. "This is hard enough and I don't think I can bear it when I have to say no. I know you hate it, but think about our daughter's safety."

"And what about your safety?" he yells, pulling away. He goes from heart-broken to livid so quickly it gives me whiplash. "What about my responsibility to keep you safe?"

He's screaming at me now and my head throbs.

"I should be able to protect you from this!"

What Edward is feeling is so much more complicated than simple jealousy. This reaction isn't Edward being possessive, but his overwhelming need to save me from my horrifying arrangement. I hurt, he hurts. That's the way it's always been.

"And you will," I reply, struggling to stay calm. "But not yet. Not today or next week, but soon. We'll figure it out with Carlisle, but right now you have to let me go."

_We_ will do nothing of the sort. I got myself into this situation, and I will get myself out, one way or another, even if it means I end up ash in the wind.

"I'll go with you," he declares, his desperation growing.

I didn't think this situation could get much worse, but now I'm crippled with a whole new dose of fear.

Aro can't know about Edward.

The vampire lord is extremely possessive of his collection. That's how he sees the members of the guard, as belonging to him in totality. Above all, having an impressive and useful variety of gifted vampires under his direct control is Aro's mission.

Edward is impressive, very similar to what Aro does himself, but more convenient.

Aro already wants Nessie for her uniqueness, but he craves Alice and myself on a permanent basis for practical reasons. He cannot know about Edward who is not only a potential collectible, but also a potential threat. My husband pulls me further away from Aro's grasp and he won't be allowed to continue existing.

The guard will give him the choice.

"Absolutely not!" I scream, totally panicking. I lose all composure and rationality. "He can't know about you!"

His eyes narrow and for one moment I think he's going to say something horrible again. Last time he accused me of liking it. Maybe this time he'll just speak the truth and call me a whore.

"I'm going," he says, voice low and dangerous. I just want to scream in frustration and go fetal as this anger surges through me.

"You won't!" I shriek. "It's seven against one here. They'll restrain you. That's how serious this is."

Edward snorts. "They don't even understand why I'm upset. Rosalie called me unreasonable and controlling."

Stupid, bitchy sister.

"In this moment you are being unreasonable," I reply. "You absolutely cannot come with me. If there is any hope of me navigating out of this arrangement, Aro cannot know you exist. You'll just be one more thing Aro can used to control me, one more reason Aro has for wanting to destroy our family."

Edward looks like he's going to keep arguing when Carlisle speaks from inside the house.

"She's right, Edward."

We turn to see my whole family lined up on the other side of the floor to ceiling windows. They stare with varying degrees of shock, confusion, anger, and sorrow. I refuse to feel guilty for lying to them. Until this moment when I'm looking for an alternative there was absolutely no reason for them to know.

"You don't know Aro, Edward, not like we do," Carlisle continues. "His whole existence is about manipulation and maintaining his power, not only over our kind but also over his own private collection of gifted immortals who he considers his property. Your presence will not help Bella. It will hurt us all."

Edward just glares, too stubborn and too angry to really agree to Carlisle's words. At least we have a week to calm him down.

"I am her mate," Edward whispers miserably before turning back to me. He cradles my face in his hands as my heart breaks again and again. "I'm your mate. It shouldn't be like this. It can't be like this."

"I know," I reply with equal misery. "But he doesn't operate that way, Edward. He is all demon. No part of him understands this connection and partnership. You being my mate will mean nothing to him, just another way to control me."

Edward stares at me for a long moment.

"Okay," Rose finally demands. He lets me go and we turn back to the family. "What the fuck is going on here?"

"Really," Esme says, more upset than I've ever seen her. She's hurt. We've hurt Esme. "What are you three keeping from us?"

"I believe it's four of them that know," Jasper says, staring at Alice who shifts guiltily under her mate's gaze.

"I don't know anything for sure," she murmurs. "Just glimpses. Have for a while now. Bella's tricky."

I look at my sister in shock. Alice is notorious for her inability to keep from meddling. For years I assumed that she didn't know because she simply didn't speak of it. I give her a nod of gratitude, blown away that she even kept this from her mate.

Alice must really love me, but her silence indicates that I've been right to keep this from them.

"Come inside," Carlisle says, sounding so world wary. "Let's sit down."

He places a hand on the small of Esme's back but she slaps him away. I wince, the guilt resurfacing. My father has lied to his wife for half a century and it's because of me.

We get settled in the living room with the exception of Edward who paces around behind my chair like a caged big cat. Fitting as mountain lion is his favorite meal.

"So there's a lot more to this thing with the Volturi, I take it," Rosalie says, scowling at me. I sigh heavily. This is a situation I hoped to never ever be in. I don't want them to see me as the whore I am and I'm terrified they'll run off to Italy, doing something that will turn them to ash.

I feel ill and my head threatens to split in two. All eyes are on me and I tried to mentally prepare for this since our last late night meeting, but the words don't come. I study my hands in my lap and my father takes over, explaining as delicately as possible. I feel like I'm shrinking, collapsing in on myself until I shrivel up into nothing.

Edward stops his frantic movements to sit next to me and hold my hand. His support immediately makes me feel like I'm still some version of myself.

Carlisle explains everything, how we were given three choices but how there never really was another option. Giving them Nessie was not going to happen, nor could I stay there forever. He talks about why this remained my secret for so long. He stops speaking and is met with a stunned silence. It takes all my courage to look up from my hands joined with Edward's.

They'll see me differently now, and I hate Aro a little more, something that didn't seem possible until this moment. The looks on their faces are expected: anger, horror, sadness, and pity.

I wonder if they'll still love me after this.

Emmett pounds the arm of the couch with a fist, destroying it completely. Esme covers her mouth with her hands, her shoulders shaking as if her body is capable of tears. The calculating look in Jasper's eye tells me he's already plotting some maneuver to make this right.

Rose's expression is unfathomable, fierce and stunned and so shockingly understanding. She's the first to move after her destructive husband. I watch her with wary eyes as she approaches and kneels in front of me. We watch each other for another moment before she wraps me up in a bone-crushing hug.

I shudder and shake against the sister who has been openly antagonistic for months. Her silent support gives me strength. Rosalie understands what it's like to be used and controlled by men.

It did lead to her death, after all.

For the first time I find the faith that we will find a solution, but for now I have to go.

* * *

We talk for a while. They throw out suggestions for how to get out of it during my upcoming trip, but they do not come up with anything new or usable. After hours it feels like my head has cracked in two. Edward holds me and strokes my temple, but I feel his despair.

Jasper is obviously as pained as I am. He is so frustrated with his inability to come up with anything reasonable, it looks like he is on the verge of completely losing it.

Emmett suggests for the fifth time that the whole lot of them accompany me to Italy and beat the shit out of the vampire lord. I hiss at him.

"Emmett, shut the fuck up!" snaps Alice. "This is exactly why we didn't tell you! You change your mind right now because I'm really tried of watching a future where the Volturi decapitates you and the rest of the people I love!"

Emmett begrudgingly remains silent, but his knuckles turn white as he fists his hands to keep from destroying any more furniture.

"Okay, that's enough for one night," Carlisle murmurs, his tone leaving little room for argument. "Think on a solution and we'll talk about it tomorrow."

There is no hope to get me out of it this time. Carlisle knows it. I know it, but convincing Edward seems like an impossibility.

He can't come to Italy. We're all doomed, if he comes to Italy.

Edward pulls me to my feet, and I'm a little stunned to see each member of my family stand to embrace me. I've lied to them and my very flesh is tainted, but they all hug me anyway. Every single one of them.

"I'm going with you," Edward murmurs when he gets me into bed a few minutes later.

"No, you really are not," I reply, closing my eyes and snuggling into a pillow. "Can we please not fight about it now? Please."

Edward sighs heavily and then crawls in beside me.

"Until tomorrow."

* * *

In the morning, we fight about it. There is screaming and throwing things and the destruction of furniture.

"You are being stubborn!" I shriek, shoving him into a wall. The plaster cracks, but neither of us pays it any attention. "You aren't protecting me, Edward! You are dooming us all."

"I won't let you do this!" Edward bellows. "I won't!"

Our fight seems to go in circles as we yell and hiss and spit at each other. He is desperate and I'm panicked. Emotions run high, and somewhere along the line, we forget that we both want the same thing.

"It isn't up to you," I hiss, pacing around in front of him. I feel so dangerous in this moment. My fear transforms into a pent up need for violence that has my limbs actually shaking with the effort to keep from destroying everything, him and me included.

"Oh, as if you know what's best?" he asks, pushing away from the wall. We circle each other in our somewhat trashed living room, both crouched slightly and braced for violence. The demon has taken over both of us, and we regard each other with narrowed, angry eyes. "Look what you've been doing for the last sixty years."

"Like you could have done any different."

His steps falter and a little humanity flickers in his eyes for a moment, but I hiss at him, hating his goddamn human side in this moment. It is making it harder for me to go and I have to go.

"I'm going with you, Bella!" he shrieks.

He is crazed and something about his panic makes me stop abruptly. The human resurfaces and it becomes painfully apparent that he knows he's lost.

I approach him and he tenses, but apparently he reads my intentions on my face because he straightens and lets me cradle his jaw. I watch him crumble, his whole face falling in abject sorrow.

"Bella," he murmurs miserably.

"I know," I say. It's a harsh whisper. "I love you."

Edward kisses me and something about the touch is so sad, it makes my heart break. When he pulls away it feels like I'm crying.

"Bella—" he starts, but I cut him off, not willing to start fighting all over again.

"Edward," I say quietly. "I love you. I love our daughter, but I have to go. I don't want to and I know you don't want me to, but right now, this is how we keep our family safe."

He lets out a sound akin to that of a wounded animal and hugs me a little tighter.

"I'm coming with you," he murmurs. A little sob escapes my throat and I kiss his chest when I hear the fight leave his voice.

"Oh, sweetheart," I whisper. "No you're not."

"Yes—"

"No, you are going to stay right here with our daughter. We both can't leave and she needs you here, Edward. If you come with me, she'll lose us both. You can't do that to her, Edward," I say, still talking quietly into his chest.

I feel him give in. The fight leaves his body, and I hate myself a little more for making him feel this way.

"I'm going to try," I say suddenly, pulling back to stare at him. "I… I'll figure it out somehow, but I'm going to really, really try not to do anything. Okay?"

Edward just pulls me back down, neither of us much comforted by my words.

* * *

**Next chappie should be up real soon. **


	22. Egypt & Italy

**Thank you thank you thank you for reading and reviewing and all that jazz. Seriously, you give me the strength to continue this little tale.**

**About this chapter... just trust me, okay? Some parts get a little dicey, but please just trust me and finish the chapter before you decide you've had enough with this story and leave me forever. Or skip to the last little section if you can't wait to find out what happens.**

**Donna is awesome. Totally couldn't do it without her.**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"Well now, Bella. Aren't you just a lovely greeting party?"

I stalk past Felix where he leans against the doorway to the private jet. It's not often I meet him here at the small airport in Port Angeles, but there is no way I'm letting him get anywhere near Edward.

Aro could easily find out about my husband from a single touch, and if Edward met Felix who knows what sort of memories he would be privy too. The last thing Edward needs right now are images of me getting naked with yet another vampire. Felix's mind isn't safe, from Aro or Edward.

Still, Aro has very little interest in touching the vampires he's known for centuries. I imagine reliving Felix's every thought and action for eternity would be exhausting. Asking Felix even the most innocent of questions is a risk, but one I'll have to take.

"What can I say? I just missed you so terribly much," I explain, my tone saccharine as I drop dramatically in a seat by the window. It's dark out still, but I can clearly see the familiar forest surrounding the runway.

That way, just to the west, lays home and Edward and our daughter.

Felix snickers, barks some instructions at the poor pilot about taking off as soon as we've refueled, and sits across from me.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Egypt."

"And the details?" I ask, all business.

"Some coven is getting a little too large and a little too comfortable out and about around humans," he explains. Felix gives me a pointed look and I understand the subtext.

Aro wants one of them. Some poor sod in this coven is powerful and unique and wanted by Aro. And we'll destroy them all, giving the gifted vampire the choice: join us or turn to ash.

"Lovely," I mutter.

Felix hums in agreement.

Usually when I join up with the guard it is just some poor haunted soul, gone a little mad by this unlife and driven too close to humanity. At least I can justify my actions with these legitimate threats. For these vampires, it's almost a kindness. Almost.

This other thing, this collecting mission we're going on, the guilt from this will sit in my belly for the rest of my eternal years.

I stretch out, doing my best to ignore the vampire sent to collect me this time. Under different circumstances, Felix and I might be almost friends. He's brutal and violent, but somehow good humored and endearing at the same time.

And he's got no love for Aro, that's for damn sure.

Although he is one of my favorites by comparison, I have absolutely no desire to interact with him in this moment. I have to ask my delicate questions, but it is a long ride to Egypt.

For now, I close my eyes and attempt to make my insides match my outsides.

I'm clothed in my standard Volturi attire. Everything I wear is black: tight pants tucked into tall leather boots and topped off with a fitted black jacket. In my bag is the cloak in black, red, and gold. I won't put it on until the last possible moment. I hate looking like them, matching them.

Usually I can shut it off. I switch into cold, hard vampire mode. Somehow my shield seems to protect my humanity, storing it away for later and letting the demon take on that burden.

But Edward is back now and I can't do it. The feelings remain and it terrifies me that in this state I'll mess up in some way that will indicate to Aro that things aren't the same, that Edward exists.

"Bella?" Felix asks. "You okay?"

I open my eyes, surprised to hear the genuine concern in his voice. Even worse is that if Felix can see that I'm a mess, it will be obvious to the rest of them, especially Aro.

"What do you mean?" I ask, attempting to keep the panic out of my voice.

"Something is different about you," he muses, studying my face intently. "You seem… fragile."

"Fragile," I repeat.

"Yes, that's the word," he continues as my rage boils. "I didn't know you did fragile."

"Felix," I say, deciding to jump right in and distract him as I quietly fall apart on the inside. "Do you remember what it feels like to be happy?"

He lets out a sharp laugh, but he stops abruptly when he realizes that I'm serious.

"Happiness is a mortal thing, Bella. What's happiness when you have power?" he asks, grinning at me. The smile doesn't reach his eyes.

"Nessie is happy."

"She's also half human."

"Nessie makes me happy."

"Okay, Bella," he says, chuckling again.

"I'm just saying it's possible. There is more to this unlife than power politics," I inform him, carefully gauging his reaction. He cocks his head to the side and watches me. I can see him puzzling something out in his head. "You could be happy again, Felix."

His eyes narrow and I wonder if he has any idea what I'm hinting at.

"You…" I take a deep breath, steadying my nerves. "You could be free."

His eyes go wide for a moment and I know he gets exactly what I'm saying. But then the cocky bastard smirk is back. "You've totally lost it, babe."

It's enough for now, but I can tentatively count Felix as an ally. Perhaps even Dmitri by extension.

I smile at him as I dig around in my bag for my iPod. I put on angry music, tone out my perceptive almost friend, and cultivate my rage.

Hate will stomp out this supposed fragility.

* * *

By the time we land I manage to pull on the mask, all signs of fragility eradicated. I'm fully the cold, hard, soulless demon.

We wait until nightfall before joining the rest of the guard. Jane tries zapping me. I give her a cocky grin in return. It's a greeting ritual that has developed between the two of us over the years.

Jane is definitely not an ally.

I am unsurprised to see the three. Typically they do not join us for simple elimination missions, but this is all about collection, and Aro would never miss it.

"My sweet Isabella," he croons in sugary tones when Felix and I arrive. I can't bear to look at his wide smile, so I focus on the space between his eyes, only pretending to meet his eye. He moves like a ghost, hands spread, his cloak and robes billowing around his feet.

"Aro," I murmur, playing my role as well as I can manage. I give him a small smile and offer him my cheek. It takes far more effort than usual to keep from cringing when his paper-thin lips brush my skin.

He likes us small and powerful and totally at his mercy.

It causes me physical pain to stay still and let him touch me.

"You look ravishing, my darling," he says.

I murmur a "thank you" and pull up the hood of my cloak. I nod hello to the other brothers, and grin at Dmitri. I'm thankful when we quickly move out. The sooner we go, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I go home.

It's worse than I anticipated. Maybe all the feelings and all my humanity stirred up by my relationship with Edward is making me overly sensitive, but it's horrible.

There are four of them, two mated pairs.

Aro recites their fabricated crimes in that high-pitched, bone chilling voice of his. The coven denies the allegations. I linger in the back, extending my shield to protect the offensive members of the guard as they move on the four terrified vampires.

My eyes go wide when it becomes apparent which vampire Aro covets. Benjamin, Aro called him earlier, moves the earth to protect his coven.

There is nothing I can do as he rains giant boulders down on the guard. They dodge artfully and fall upon the other pair, cleanly decapitating the female as the older male howls in rage. Jane renders the male immobile with pain as other members of the guard efficiently dismantle him and his mate.

Dmitri moves to light the pile of body parts on fire, but Benjamin steals the flame, using it to dive Jane and Dmitri away even as he fights eight other members of the guard.

"Isabella," Aro murmurs.

I push out my shield, experimenting to see if this gift is something I can block. It's shockingly effective, and I actually smile at my own power before I remember that this is no victory.

Benjamin lets out a dismayed cry when his flame is unable to pass my invisible barrier. I feel the heat of the fire and it makes me feel powerful somehow.

Why I can do this with flame but not rock is a mystery.

"Alec," Aro says lazily.

I pull my shield tight around the dispatched members of the guard to keep from interfering with the blindness that Jane's brother sends speeding towards our remaining victims.

Flames crackle as half the coven burns. Benjamin and his mate cling to each other, their wide eyes unseeing. They scream for mercy in Egyptian. I do not speak the language, but the message is obvious.

They don't understand. They've done nothing wrong.

I hope the female is permitted to live. It could go either way with Aro, depending on his mood.

I want to feel the fire again. Maybe when Benjamin comes back to Volterra I can get him to turn his gift on me. Something was there. Something powerful.

Aro steps to the forefront, flanked by his brothers, and I pull my shield tightly around them. Combined with my protection is Chelsea, a different sort of shield. Her fingertips graze Aro's back, surrounding him in a force field that will protect him from physical threats.

Aro converses with them in their native tongue, explaining how things will be. Benjamin is fervent, gesturing towards his mate. She clutches him, tucked into his side. They stare right at Aro, despite their lack of sight. Her hand fists in his shirt.

I can't watch and in this moment I loathe myself utterly and completely. I hate being part of this; hate them for forcing me into this role.

Protector of the protectors. Assistant to the demons.

The blinded couple could easily be Edward and I. The lamentable creature in Aro's sights could easily be our daughter. Or me. Or Alice. This is the embodiment of my greatest fear, that I could misstep with the Volturi some how and have them descending upon us. When the fighting ends, Aro would make sure that only Alice and Nessie and I remained. He'd offer us the choice.

Join us or turn to ash.

The three converses in tones hushed enough to keep their words private. I catch a glimpse of Marcus, shocked to see his lips moving. He is usually so sad and so quiet.

Aro must be feeling quite jolly today. He lets the mate live. For now.

* * *

I am part of a small contingent of the guard that will fly back to Italy on the private jet. The majority of the guard prefers to run and swim. Caius in particularly loathes human technological advances, but there is no denying that a couple hours in the air is speedier than a swim across the Mediterranean.

I want to run so fast my mind goes blank and my spirit feels free, but the longer it takes for me to get back to Italy, the longer it will be before I can get myself home.

One day. That's my goal. One day in Volterra with Aro.

Sometimes his mind is elsewhere and he brings me to bed out of habit and a need to remind me of my place. Sometimes he takes his time.

Aro boards the plane first, followed by Jane, Chelsea, Dmitri and I. The leader of the Volturi never goes anywhere without protection. Sometimes I wonder why his collection simply doesn't rebel. Physically Aro is out of practice. He is weak and he would fall, if only his collection could collectively see his tyranny.

Not that any of this would ever happen. Not when he has devotees such as Jane.

Fucking Jane. Hate her. So much.

Jane, Aro, and I take seats. Aro is next to me. I stare out the window at the rising sun and wish Jane were by my side, which is really saying something.

"Well now, my sweets," Aro says, his hand finding my inner thigh. I am unable to stifle the shiver of disgust that runs through my body. Hopefully the vampire lord is delusional enough to mistake it for a shiver of pleasure. "Isn't he marvelous? Benjamin. Just marvelous."

"Absolutely marvelous," Jane echoes. The adoration I hear in her voice makes me ill. Aro likes them small and powerful. For centuries before me, Jane was Aro's favorite, much to Felix's dismay.

I hum my agreement, keeping my gaze out the window.

"But the mate," Jane continues, "totally unremarkable."

"Totally unremarkable," Aro repeats.

"Why keep her?" she asks.

Aro sighs.

"Yes, the mate is a complication I did not anticipate," he confesses. "Tia, her name is. Tia. I planned to dispose of her from the very start, but my esteemed brother convinced me otherwise."

"Caius?" Jane asks, shocked.

"Marcus," I guess, still looking out the window. We push back and I'm relieved to be on our way, even if this plane is bringing me closer to my doom it also means I'm closer to home. "He used his gift, read their bond? He saw that their connection was too strong. That Benjamin would choose ash over unlife with the Volturi if his mate was burned before his eyes."

Aro lets out a delighted chortle. "Oh, my Isabella," he says. When his hand moves further up my thigh this time, I remain completely still. "Beauty and strength and wisdom. Truly something extraordinary. Did you see what she did with Benjamin's fire? Extraordinary."

Jane attempts to agree but ends up growling. Aro sighs.

"Really, Jane. This grudge you foster towards Isabella is both childish and exhausting."

"My apologies, Aro," Jane murmurs.

"You may go now," Aro says dismissively. Begrudgingly Jane stands, joining Chelsea and Dmitri at the front of the plane.

"You stopped fire today, Isabella," Aro whispers in my ear. I feel his breath against my skin and bite the side of my cheek to hold onto my composure. I have never been the most active participant when it comes to Aro, but if I reveal my disgust Aro is sure to prolong the misery. "Remarkable. You'd like to do it again, wouldn't you?"

Although his touch repulses me, this is worse. It's as if he is somehow in my head, despite my shield. He knows me, the demon part anyway, and I find nothing creepier than this.

"Yes, I would," I admit.

He lets out a delighted giggle and gropes at me. I just stare out the window, a passive puppet for him to do with what he likes.

* * *

There is a small chamber located next to Aro's rooms. It is mine when I'm in the castle. Although I can't speak to it's uses during my absence, I find a selection of clothes here to wear for Aro.

Today it's blood red lace and silk. It is always lace and silk. Only the color varies.

Aro gives me time to "prepare" myself when we arrive back in Italy, and I find myself dawdling longer than usual. On a typical day, I'm in a rush. The quicker Aro's had his fill, the quicker I can go home.

It's different now. I can't seem to make my feet move.

I dress in Aro's monstrous excuse for lingerie and stare at my reflection. It's old fashioned so I'm reasonably covered, but the purpose of the outfit makes me feel like the fabric is burning my skin.

My face in blank, amber eyes vacant. I am beautiful and terrible. I am a cold hard vampire. Evil resides within me. A demon kept on a very short leash by my unlife back home, by my daughter and my husband and my family.

They have no place within these thick stonewalls. Just the demon.

But today my insides quake. I feel impossibly sick, disgusted by what I have done. What I have to do again.

I promised Edward I would try to avoid this, but I can't figure out how. Aro was overly attentive on the plane. I can't just say no.

Can I just say no?

No, there is no great choice. It is this or my daughter, and that's no choice at all.

Three more deep breaths and I tear my eyes away from the stranger in the mirror. I walk as slowly as possible towards the wooden door separating Aro and I. I can hear him in there, already breathing heavy.

I want to cry, and for once I am thankful that tears are impossible.

When I reach the door I pause with my fingers on the handle. Aro stops his movement and I can picture it clearly in my head. He'll be in bed, clothed in some sort of robe to hide the majority of his ancient skin.

I'm expected to join him. I have to go in.

With stiff, jerky movements I open the door and enter. Aro's there on the bed, as expected. I keep my eyes downcast. Aro may like them small and powerful, but in this room he prefers submissive and demure. He likes dominating those who have strength outside these stone walls.

I slide into bed next to him, but do not cover myself with the sheet. Aro wouldn't like that. Aro likes to keep his collection in full view.

"Isabella," he says, lips to my ear again. This time I can't hide the shakes. "You are a queen."

He says this often. Something about my gift. I try to ignore his words as much as I try to ignore the rest of him.

His fingertips touch my skin and I close my eyes, trying to detach. Usually I can leave my body, go on autopilot and think of something else. I'm extremely good at faking it, not that Aro would care anyway.

But then I'm on my back, covered up by pale, thin flesh. He presses his lips to mine, and I think about the look on Edward's face when I left four days ago. Off to fight a very different kind of war, all on my own.

I lose it.

In a flash I'm on the far side of the room, too panicked to even find the door to the hall outside Aro's bedchamber. I can't even remember where the door I just came through is located.

My spine digs into stone as I bury my face in my hands. It takes me a long moment to realize that I'm chanting "no" over and over again.

The words leaving my mouth snap me back into reality. I pull myself together as best I can, standing up straight against the wall as my arms drop to my sides. The hardest part is opening my eyes, seeing him there, and knowing that I've ruined everything. That my family is no longer safe.

"_Enough_," Aro hisses: His blood red eyes bore into me and I drop my gaze to the floor. Years of learning just what Aro wants, just how to act to keep him happy, and look what I did.

He'll know now.

I glance down at my body, clothed in blood red lace and silk, and try not to gag. Before Edward came back I could do this. I could shut off my humanity. This is a sacrifice once effortlessly made.

"What is this?" Aro asks. I would rather him yell, scream. Anything would be better than the cold, sickly sweet tone that I recognize from countless executions. It's the voice he uses to give his victims hope that there is some way they can survive, right before he gives the final head nod that calls for flames.

I don't look at him. My body shakes slightly with the urge for violence as I try to remain submissive. All I want to do is tear him apart.

I wouldn't get to one limb before someone, probably Felix, came barreling through those doors to rip off my head. I wonder if Felix could do it. I wonder if he could actually rip off my head. He is my almost friend and maybe future ally, after all.

"What is this?" he repeats, getting so close I can smell the blood on his breath. He totally boxes me in.

"I just had a moment," I whisper, trying to explain. "I don't know what came over me."

"Oh, Isabella, do not lie. You have never been very good at it. Let's not embarrass ourselves, hmm?"

"I just…" I don't have the words for this. I want to be safe home in my woods with my family. Protected. "I… I'm just tired."

This is not a total lie. The heat I endured from Benjamin's manipulated fire did exhaust me. I close my eyes to add to the effect.

"Tired?" he asks, obviously skeptical. His hand closes around my throat and he forces my gaze to meet his. He studies me critically and I whimper when his hand tightens. "Of course," he murmurs to himself. "How could I not see before?"

"See what?" I whisper terrified of his answer. Surely he can't sense Edward on me. That would be absurd right?

"I am not totally certain," he continues in his quiet, thoughtful tone. His wide-eyed stare never falters. "But there is a change within you. A great change. What happened to you, Isabella?"

I gulp and think about ripping away from his grip. That would only enrage him further and it takes all my willpower to keep still.

"Nothing." I tilt my chin up and narrow my eyes, daring him to argue with me. "Nothing has changed. I just don't feel like doing this today."

Or ever again.

Aro raises a black eyebrow and watches me for another few moments before dropping his hand.

"Very well," he says, moving back towards the bed. "You may go. As usual give my regards to Carlisle. And send up Jane on your way out, will you?"

I blink, totally stunned. I was so sure he would force me, or threaten my family at the very least.

"Yes, Aro."

"I will see you soon, Isabella. Perhaps you will have a better explanation for what transpired here at that time."

_Not fucking likely._

I remember where the door to the adjoining chamber is and walk towards it with as much calm as I can manage. At the last moment I pause with my fingers on the handle.

"Why?" I ask, still facing the door. Traditionally, there are no questions from me. I scarcely make a sound but now I figure I couldn't have fucked up this encounter worse, so I might as well go for it. I've always wondered.

"Why what. Isabella?"

I take a deep breath and look at him over my shoulder.

"Why me? Why this part of it?"

He smiles ruefully, and for the first time in the time I've known him, Aro looks sad. It's startling and horrifying and I hate that I asked.

"It's quiet," he murmurs, looking out the window. "Not all of us can control our gifts, you know. With you it's quiet."

Pushing through the door, I dress in record time, ripping Aro's garments from my body. I'm fleeing down the long corridor to the exit of the castle as what he means really sinks in.

With me it's quiet. That's why Edward noticed me first, too.

* * *

I launch myself into his arms the moment I'm through the sliding glass doors at the airport. He leans against the car, idling at the pick up curb. The walk through the airport at human speed was extremely painful. Knowing he was so close made me itchy.

He lifts me off the ground slightly, arms tightening around my waist. I push my forehead into his neck and let out a little sob.

"It's okay," he murmurs, stroking my hair. "It's okay. You are safe. You are here with me."

I shake in his arms and try to find my words.

This separation was probably much worse for him as the one left behind. He had to hold it together for our daughter, driving him crazy with thoughts of what I was doing at that particular moment and worrying about my safety.

I should be comforting him. And I will. I have the words and as soon as I stop shaking I'll share them.

Edward rocks me, his grip tightening and I breathe evenly, centering myself enough to speak.

"I couldn't do it," I confess with a sob.

He freezes, his whole body tensing.

"What?" he whispers. "What do you mean?"

I pull back, cradling his face in my hands and stroking his cheeks with my fingertips.

"I couldn't do it," I repeat. I give him a meaningful looking, hoping that he'll get it, hoping that I won't have to say it.

"Oh," he says, blinking rapidly. "Oh!" And now he's beaming. "Oh." And now he's frowning. "Good! I mean… yes… good, but is everything all right? I mean… how?"

Fuck, this is awkward and terrible and horrible.

"I don't know," I murmur as he puts me down. I study his feet, unable to meet his eyes as we discuss this. My hands drop to my sides, but he rests his on my hips. "I just… couldn't do it. I didn't explain why and he let me go and I have no idea what he was thinking but… I didn't do it. The worst of it, I didn't do that part. Although I did help the guard totally eliminate a coven so Aro could swoop in and recruit this poor vampire that can control the earth and fire and water. So that sucked."

I bite my lip and look up at Edward when I realize I'm babbling. He gives me the sweetest smile and pushes his hands through my hair before he lowers his mouth to mine.

The kiss is slow and perfect and has me whimpering. He loves me. I can feel it. Only a matter of time now until he says it out loud.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers against my lips. "So very sorry you had to go through this on your own."

I hum, wanting to kiss him more but knowing that this is not the appropriate venue.

"It's a start," I reply. "I'm not sure what will happen next time… but it's a start."

My husband kisses my forehead.

"Take me home, Edward," I whisper. "Just take me home."

* * *

**After all their brainstorming and Bella just says no. None of the Cullens managed to come up with something that simple, huh?**

**So my first real action scene. It was a little uncomfortable, but there will be more to come so hopefully it read all right.**

**Unfortunately, updates are going to be slower from now on. I'm trying really hard to have multiple chapters done so when I post a cliffie you won't have to wait to long, but pretty much every chapter from here on out is kinda a cliffie. I'm going to guess there is going to be close to 30 chapters total but we'll see.**

**Also, I'm starting a new job! It's like my first real person job with a salary and benefits and the whole shebang so I won't have as much time to write. Being a grown up kinda blows, although I am pretty stoked about the job.**

**Thank you for reading. I love reviews, by the way.**


	23. Appropriate Protection

**I know, I know. It has been for freakin' ever but my real life has been rather busy as of late. I'm loving the new job, but I'm putting in insane hours for the moment. But it won't last forever. Thanks for the well wishes.**

**Okay, here we go. This one is a cliffy warning. Big old cliffy.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing and all the support. Love you!**

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

"Once upon a time there was a nice vampire coven. They didn't eat anybody. Only the wildlife, so Bambi was kinda screwed. One of these vampires was the most beautiful in all the land,"

I snort, rolling my eyes as I read a worn copy of _Pride and Prejudice._

Edward says, "Here, here."

"No interruptions," Nessie scolds. "Are you even looking?"

"Oh course I'm looking," replies Edward. "I'm staring right at the scrapbook. Who made all these?" He gestures towards the giant bookcase in my closet, heavily laden with hundreds of scrapbooks documenting every phase of Nessie's long life. The pair of them sits propped up on the headboard of the massive bed in my room in the main house. I lounge across the foot of the bed on my stomach, half reading and half listening, as Nessie shows Edward pictures from our past. It's become something of a weekly exercise with them. Sometimes I hang around. Sometimes I give them daddy daughter time.

"Who do you think?" I ask.

"Alice," Edward guesses.

"Esme helped," Nessie interjects. "Can you two stop with the chit chatting? You're ruining my story. Mom, I'm gonna send you away if you can't behave."

"Sorry," Edward and I murmur in unison.

"Okay. Most beautiful vampire in all the land. She was pretty and smart and kicked ass."

"Vanessa," I reprimand.

"But this vampire was also a mom. She had a weird kid who grew up really slowly, but faster than the mom wanted her to. The beautiful mom vamp was kinda psycho and wouldn't let her 64-year-old daughter, who was also super beautiful, attend school. Look, here is a picture of me looking sad."

I've seen these albums hundreds of times and can't recall the image Nessie is talking about.

"You don't look sad. It looks like you were about to laugh," Edward observes. "Dang, you were a cute little kid. What happened?"

"Rude," Nessie says, playfully slapping her father in the chest with the back of her hand. He tickles her. She shrieks. They both laugh. I smile so big my face hurts. "Do you even want to hear my story, Edward? It's a good one. How a resilient 64 year old finally convinced her control freak mother to let her go to school with the normal kids."

"It sounds like a classic," Edward says.

"I'm not a control freak," I mutter.

"Who is even talking about you, Mom?" Nessie snaps. "This is a story. You both need to chill out and let me tell it."

"Sorry," Edward and I murmur in unison again.

"Okay, so this smart, funny, awesome hybrid daughter of the beautiful vampire mom wanted to get a good education like the normal kids. It was her right as an American and she looked like all the other nine year olds, but it still took her five years of pleading before the mom vampire finally agreed to stop being so stubborn and let her smart, funny, awesome hybrid daughter go to school."

Nessie takes a big breath and I grin into my novel. It wasn't exactly how Ness is telling it, but pretty close. I didn't want to let my daughter out of my sight. And I agreed to let her go to school eventually but only after she thoroughly learned a cover story. Not an easy task for nine-year-old Nessie. She was very easily distracted by the wonder of the world back then.

Come to think of it, not much has changed on that front.

But eventually she got the story down, Jake got a job in the elementary school when we moved to a small town in Alaska, and I couldn't think of another reason to say no.

"The coven of nice vampires moved to Skagway, Alaska where it's like never sunny and there are only like 900 hundred people who live there except in the summer when thousands come to town off the cruise ships, but it was a very nice place with a very nice school and very nice people. Here's a picture of our house there, way up in the mountains. It's a log cabin. Do you like it, Edward? I want to live there again but Carlisle says not enough time has passed."

"I like it. The snow is taller than you are."

"I was short then. Only 64 which is like nine. Here's me and Mom and Jake on the first day of school. He hated that janitor jumpsuit, but Mom wouldn't have let me go if he wasn't there to watch out for me," Nessie explains.

"That sounds reasonable," Edward replies. My daughter sighs and rolls her eyes. Now she has two overprotective parents.

"Look at all the neon I was wearing. What was I thinking," Nessie continues. An image of the pictures she's flipping through pops into my head. So much has changed since then, and it's all Edward's doing. "Mom dresses pretty much exactly the same. Jeans and t-shirts and sweaters and no bright colors."

"Well it must be working," says my husband. "She is the most beautiful vampire in all the land, after all."

Nessie giggles.

"So what happened at school?" Edward asks.

"The smart, funny, awesome vampire hybrid loved school. She learned a lot and made friends and she felt like an actress. Mom said that we lie to keep the humans safe, so I didn't even feel bad about that either," Nessie says, smiling fondly. "We only stayed for three years before all my classmates got older and I didn't. Saying goodbye was hard and I cried a lot, but it got easier. And now I have Anna. I won't have to lie to her or say goodbye forever."

Until the human dies, but that is obviously not something I plan on bringing up at the moment.

"Those wolves have been good for you, haven't they?" Edward mutters begrudgingly.

"Yeah," Nessie says with a giggle. "Jake isn't so bad, Edward. Someday you'll like him. Just like mom. And don't worry. I won't have to make him my boyfriend when I turn 120 if I don't want to. Imprinting isn't like that."

Edward's jaw ticks and I try not to laugh. "Yes," he replies stiffly. "What a relief."

"I might even go on date with some other humans, you know. Someday. When I get interested in that sorta thing, which everyone says will happen eventually. Soon, probably. Some of the guys in my class are pretty cute."

I laugh. Edward growls. "Something to look forward to," he mutters.

They continue to flip through photos of our three years in Alaska. Edward laughs at a picture of me buried in snow, just my boots visible, like the wicked witch under the house in the Wizard of Oz. Emmett and Nessie high-five in the next picture, pleased their prank went off without a hitch.

"Oh, that's me at my very first choir concert," Nessie says excitedly. "I was so nervous. Do you remember how nervous I was, Mom?"

"I also remember you rocking your solo," I reply.

"You're coming to my next choir concert, "she asks, turning to Edward now. "At the end of the month? It's the last one before summer break and my last one ever at the middle school."

"I'll be there. Front row and center."

They've had this conversation about thirteen times in the last few weeks. I'm not sure what to make of Nessie's need to remind Edward almost constantly, but her obvious desire for him to attend is heartwarming.

"Oh, and you too, Mom," she says.

"What am I? Chopped liver?"

"Do you even know what that saying means?" she asks me.

"No," I reply. "Not really."

Nessie laughs.

"Okay, that's all the pictures from Alaska." She closes the heavy volume documenting another three years of unlife with a satisfied thud, and pushes it off her lap. "What's next?"

"We have to talk eighth grade trip," I remind her, sitting up and crossing my legs underneath me.

Predictably, Nessie groans and buries her face in a pillow. "Mom, no."

"Uh, yes. I'm not letting Carlisle sign that permission slip until we agree on who is going with you," I say.

"I'm taking Jake."

"You're going all the way to Seattle," I point out. "Jake might be fine for when you go to Port Angeles, but the city is too far. If something happens it will take too long for us to get to you."

"I told you that you're a psycho!" she shrieks, tugging at her hair. "Nothing bad ever happens. Nothing bad is going to happen in Seattle. I've been looking forward to this trip for weeks and it's the last hurrah of middle school and I won't have my two crazy parents breathing down my neck and not letting me have any fun!"

This is Nessie's first reference to Edward as her parent, and casual as it may be, it still seems to knock the wind out of both my husband and I. We gape at each other in overjoyed silence, but Ness keeps right on talking.

"You're not coming! No one else's parents are coming!"

"They think I'm your sister and they think Edward is your foster mom's little brother," I point out, finally finding my voice.

"That is so messed up," she replies, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling at me. Bratty Nessie has not emerged in many months, but really it isn't so bad. I much prefer this fight to the one we were having about Edward there for awhile. "You know this is so messed up right?"

"Nessie, do we really have to do this again? Need I remind you that you are a rarity in this world. Unique. And there are scary vampires out there that might want you," I say. "This is not me being a crazy overprotective parent. This is a very real danger, and you can't go to Seattle with just Jake, practically unprotected. This was the deal when we decided you could go to school. Appropriate protection. Always."

Nessie takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. When she opens them again it breaks my heart to see tears in her eyes.

"Okay," she mumbles. "Fine. Someone else can go with me, but it doesn't have to be you two. Seriously, that is so lame, having my parents tag along. Can't you at least understand that? What about Emmett and Rose? Jake and Emmett and Rose? That's gotta be enough, right?"

I sigh heavily and hope Edward isn't taking this personally. She's a preteen, and although I don't quite understand the whole get away from her parents who love her thing, Carlisle assures me it is perfectly normal for this stage of development.

"Go ask your aunt."

"She's hunting."

"Well, ask her when she gets back."

"Isn't compromise the best thing ever?" she asks, smiling sweetly.

"Just the best," I say, unable to hide my annoyance.

"Edward, if you weren't so on her side with all this psycho protect me stuff, you'd be allowed to come," she says, turning to shake her head at her father.

"Sorry, Vanessa. Your mom and I are something of a team these days, and I happen to thoroughly agree with her," he informs her.

"Traitor," she declares, smiling slightly. "I'm starving. Do you guys want to help me carry a few more boxes down to the cabin after dinner?"

We both nod. Nessie kisses Edward's cheek and then mine before prancing over to put away the photo album. She's calling for Esme to help her cook as she descends the staircase.

It is quiet for a moment before I discard my book and shuffle up the bed to lie next to my husband. I kiss his arm because it's the closest thing to my mouth, and Edward chuckles.

"We embarrass her," he mutters.

"It's a teenager thing, apparently."

"Although I would be in the clear if it wasn't my association with you," he says.

"Price you must pay for all my sweet lovin'."

He chuckles and wiggles down from his seated position until he's lying facing me, his head propped up on his elbow. Fingertips trace the planes of my face and my eyes flicker closed. I enjoy his touch and the quiet for a long moment until he bends to kiss me.

Nine months. He returned to me nine months ago, and already the massive expanse of time without him seems like a foggy memory. Kissing him like this is so familiar and necessary I have a hard time remembering what it was like nine months ago.

Until his return I didn't realize how lonely and cold I'd become, despite all the family that constantly surrounded me. It must have been so much worse for Edward.

His kiss is languid and deep, as if we have all the time in the world. He kisses me like we'll do it millions of times more for the rest of eternity. He kisses me as if he's content to simply kiss me and nothing else.

Our daughter is downstairs, happily chatting with Esme as the two of them putter around in the kitchen. They are joined by Jake and all of his terrible smell. The house is full of activity as various members of my family do whatever it is they normally do with themselves.

Despite all this I want Edward to do far more than kiss me lazily.

I tug on his shoulders until he follows my silent demand and rolls over, pinning me under his long, lanky frame. His lips never leave mine as hands begin to wander. My fingers thread through his soft bronze hair. His hand slips under my t-shirt, palming my stomach before slipping lower to grip my hip. He runs his thumb just under the waistband of my jeans.

I bite his lip and he groans. In retaliation he rubs his leg in between my thighs, making me moan and ache.

Our groping escalates, as does our breathing. Some part of my brain tells me that this is creepy with all the people within hearing distance, but it's so difficult to not touch him always.

Although I can't remember what it's like to be without him, I'm still not quite used to being able to touch him constantly either.

Edward pauses, pulling away. My eyes flutter open to see him gazing down at me, that soft, so in love look on his face.

"Is this what it feels like to be happy?" he asks, so quietly only I can hear.

Words seem to get lodged in my throat. All I can manage to do is nod.

"Hey, Nessie," Jake says from downstairs, his mouth full of food. "Do you know your parents are making out like teenagers upstairs?"

"Ew!" she yells, smacking him. "Gross, Jake. I'm eating."

Edward growls. I sigh.

"Well, it was happiness at least. Come on. Let's go be social."

* * *

Since my return from Italy, Nessie has been moving into the cabin bit by bit. What started out as a weekend practice extended to a night here or there, and apparently Nessie spent the five days while I was away here alone with Edward, trying to cheer her father.

Sometimes I think she knows about what I do. It makes my stomach turn, but she's so damn perceptive. There are moments when she just seems to know that there is more to the story, something I'm keeping from her, something she's better off not knowing.

She certainly sensed Edward's distress at my departure. When I returned from the airport with her father she hugged me and happily announced her plans to paint her room in the cabin bright yellow.

Since then she painted her room the desired color and has been moving her belongings down from the main house in increments.

Still, we see the rest of the family daily, and go to the big house all the time for piano lessons or to peruse the editions of photo albums. Plus, Nessie much prefers Esme as an assistant in the kitchen because apparently I "burn water."

I questioned the logic of moving all her crap down here that isn't necessary to her daily life, especially if we followed our original plan of moving on after graduation, but my daughter changed this as well. She sat Carlisle and I down, begging us to give her one more year, to let her try high school for the first time. Her argument was shockingly well reasoned, plus I've always liked Forks.

My woods are here, we have a home with Edward here, and the wolves are here.

Another year won't hurt, and I am quite enjoying the little home my immediate family is building in the woods. It's a set up I'd like to duplicate in the future. Although I love every member of my crazy coven, Edward, Nessie, and I need time just the three of us.

And it's not perfect. Nessie still won't refer to her father as anything besides his first name. Jake and Edward can't manage to be civil for more than five minutes. Our relationship with the Denali's is strained as Tanya and I refuse to speak to each other. I'm deeply uneasy about Edward's former companions, although we haven't heard from them in months.

The Volturi continue to loom over our heads as well, causing tension between Edward and I. Although I managed to wiggle my way out of our arrangement last time, sooner rather than later I'll have to face Aro again, and I have no idea how he'll react to my little coup now that he's had time to think about it. Time is different for someone as ancient as Aro, and it could be years before he decides to punish me for my insolence.

We seem to argue in circles. Even discussing it with various members of the family proves fruitless. No one has any real ideas that will save me from Aro. I have nothing to trade him for the freedom of my body.

And I've been coming to a revelation of sorts, a terrifying certainty that the only way I'll ever be free is to kill him. My freedom and Nessie's safety is dependent on Aro's decapitation.

It seems impossible. They have all the power. Aro certainly likes to think the gifts of his collection means he personally has all the power, but it's not really the case. He doesn't fight. His gift brings him knowledge, but no physical strength. There is dissatisfaction amongst the guard. Felix has been quietly miserable for years, ever since Jane rejected him for the vampire lord. Dmitri is too gentle to ever really fit in. And the new guy, Benjamin. If it wasn't for his fear for the unlife of his mate, he could burn them all to the ground.

The very beginnings of a plot forms in my head. It is ill defined, but I am determined. If I ever do manage to stage a coup, it will take years and years.

These are dangerous thoughts, percolating in my head, but I dare not mention any of these reckless musings to anyone in my family as they desperately seek a solution of my horrible arrangement.

My head is the only place safe from Aro, and to share the burden, to enlist their help with my probable suicidal revolution, would do nothing but endanger us at all.

But for now all I can do is survive. All I can do is ensure that Vanessa has the very best life possible and make Edward feel loved.

BBB

"Are you okay?"

"Bella, I'm fine."

"Great. Okay."

"Seriously, stop asking me. You're making it worse every time you ask."

"I'm just trying to be a good wife. We can go if you need to. We are vampires after all and we could hear fine from the parking lot."

"Nessie would kill us."

"She would rather you listen from the parking lot than slaughter the parents of her peers."

"I won't be slaughtering anyone. Can we go in now?" he asks, whining slightly and even stomping his foot. I can't help but grin at him. He's so cute when he's anxious, and his excitement to see our daughter sing nearly matches Nessie's excitement to have him here.

Lacing my fingers through his, I pull him into the line of humans streaming into the auditorium. Edward has that look of faint discomfort on his face. I'm not sure what is more irritating to him, the blood or the thoughts of hundreds of humans.

It doesn't take us long to snake through the crowd to the second row. Jake and Carlisle got here early to save everyone seats. I volunteered, but it was agreed upon rather unanimously that the less time Edward spent among the people the better and where I go, Edward goes.

"Where's Alice?" I ask as we take our seats in the center of the row.

"Up there," Jazz says, gesturing behind him. "She's trying to find the ideal location to film this sucker."

"She can't film it from here?" I ask. It seems like a damn good view of the small, low stage.

Jasper sighs. "There is no arguing with the woman. She's a perfectionist."

My hand, combined with Edward's, rests in his lap. When I run my thumbs over his knuckles I can feel his tense frame deflate slightly.

We have to sit through the 6th and 7th grade choirs first, but I think I have little patience for the screechy voices of the tiny humans. Parents around us gush at the cuteness, but apparently not that much of my humanity remains because I don't get it. They can't even sing.

The 8th graders are much preferable, obviously, and although I would like them to all sing back up to my daughter, the experience is still enjoyable.

Nessie takes the whole thing very seriously. She offers us a small smile and slight wave when she marches onto the stage, but then she takes on this air of professionalism that is just adorable. Alice helped curl her hair in perfect ringlets, and it somewhat clashes with her orange vest and bow tie, but the whole thing is so wonderful anyway.

This is normal. It is so lovely in its normality. Edward and I sit here, in this auditorium, surrounded by other parents, watching our child perform. As Nessie sings in unison with her classmates, it feels like we haven't missed anything at all. Despite a hundred years apart and an unlife complicated by vampires and all sorts of other wacky supernatural crap, here in this moment it feels like we've given her everything we could have as humans, and more.

Edward can't stop smiling. He doesn't take his eyes off Nessie except to flash me the occasional look of awe.

She really is supremely talented. That voice of hers is such a gift. When she sings her solo, I wish for the thousandth time that I could cry.

* * *

"Did you like it?" Nessie asks as she bounds on over to us after the concert. She basically crashes into my far too hard body, wrapping her arms around my waist. I return her hug and her words are muffled as she speaks into my stomach. "How was I?"

"Brilliant as always, baby girl," I whisper in her ear, dropping a kiss on her temple. "It was wonderful."

"Thanks, Ma," she says, grinning up at me as she pushes away. She turns to Edward next.

"You sing beautifully, Vanessa," Edward tells her.

She beams.

"I could've played the piano on any of those songs," she says.

"That you could," he agrees, pulling her into a hug. She goes willingly, closing her eyes as she squeezes him back.

"They won't let me, you know," she continues. "The teacher does that."

"Well," Edward replies as Nessie ends the embrace. "Maybe next year. I hear things are different in high school."

She squeaks in joy a bunch at that before moving on to hug the rest of the family. She is so happy and I feel normal again. Totally and blissfully normal, as if vampirism is irrelevant.

Edward is here. Our daughter is here. Family surrounds us. It would have been just like this if we didn't die almost a century ago.

"So what's next?" Nessie asks, turning back to me.

"I don't know," I reply, listening to the families around me and attempting to determine how to best continue to normalcy. "Should we go get sandwiches or something?"

Nessie makes eye contact with Jake and they both snicker.

"How about ice cream, Mom?" my daughter suggests.

"Whatever."

* * *

"Do you have your toothbrush?" I ask.

"Mom!" Nessie shrieks. "I am 95 years old and capable of taking care of myself."

She slaps my hands away from her suitcase. Edward loiters in the doorway and chuckles.

"I can see your toothbrush from here," I point out. "Right there next to the sink."

Nessie lets out a frustrated growl and stomps over to her little bathroom. She stomps back, throwing her toothbrush in her suitcase with way more force than necessary.

"Don't you laugh, Edward," Nessie says, wheeling around to glare at her father.

He puts his hands up in a gesture of innocence, but a laugh escapes anyway. Nessie tries to hold her glare, but she ends up giggling herself. I grin, amused by their silliness.

"But seriously, I have everything. I'll only be gone three days."

"Three nights, four days."

"So are Rose and Em going to just take me to the school in the morning?" she asks, taking a seat to face me on the end of her bed.

"That is the plan. Unless you want us to take you: We can totally take you," I say, turning to look at my husband for support.

"We can totally take you," Edward agrees.

"Guys, don't be crazy. It makes sense for me to drive there with Emmett and Rosalie. Jake's meeting us there, right?" she asks.

"Yeah, he's the chaperone, which I find just ridiculous. Your aunt and uncle are going to follow in the car and just sneak around, going where you go," I explain, getting up to put her now packed suitcase on the floor. I move around the room, picking up all the clean clothes she thought about taking, but ultimately discarded.

"Lovely," she says, collapsing backwards and closing her eyes.

"Okay, bedtime."

"Yup," Nessie agrees. "Dang, I packed my toothbrush. I need it now."

We all laugh again.

"Come kiss me goodnight," she demands.

Edward and I do as we're told. I bend and let her kiss my cheek. Edward kisses her forehead.

"Goodnight, Vanessa," he murmurs. "I love you."

I freeze and feel a bit like I am the one in danger of tipping over, but Nessie sits up and grins like a loon.

"You do?" she asks.

"Um… yes. Very much." He seems so uncomfortable, but somehow this just makes the moment that much sweeter.

"Good!" she squeaks. "I love you too."

"Good."

Nessie chuckles and lays back down. "'Night, parents," she says. "See you in the morning."

I basically drag Edward out of Nessie's room and even somehow manage to refrain from slamming the door in my haste to get my husband alone. When we do get into our own room, Edward speaks before I have a chance to say anything.

"I love you, too," he says, staring at his feet. "I mean… from what you've said… I love you too. I think that's what this is."

I slide up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and placing a kiss on his chin.

"That's exactly what this is," I whisper, the words getting clogged in my throat. "We are a family, Edward, and we love each other like crazy."

He nods and wraps his arms around my neck.

"I love you," I tell him. "So very, very much."

He closes his eyes, smiles, and melts into me.

"Take me to bed," I murmur. "Let me show you."

He walks me backwards, and then falls forward on top of me as the back of my calves hit the bed.

* * *

We spend two days in bed. I skip school, despite graduation being a week away. I do not care about the ceremony and have no plans of attending, even if every member of the family is pressuring me to do so, just to make me uncomfortable.

They find it hilarious that somehow I let myself become salutatorian, a horrible misstep on my part.

But I skip school because Edward loves me. It is something I've known for a very long time so really the amazing, awe inducing part is that he knows it too.

Ten months. That's all it took for the vampire version of my husband to remember what it's like to love the vampire version of me.

Nessie calls before she goes to bed, telling us enthusiastically all the amazing things she is doing in Seattle with her eight-grade class, far from the lame eyes of her watchful and loving parents.

She tells us she loves us before hanging up. We reply in kind, and then I tackle Edward because those words coming out of his mouth do something to me, each and every time.

Besides our nightly calls, we have absolutely no contact with anyone. My family leaves us alone. Even Alice. It's magic.

* * *

"When did you realize that you were in love with me?" Edward lies between my legs, his cheek resting against my ribs. My fingers play absently with his hair as I ponder his question.

"It's impossible to say," I finally reply. He sits slightly, looking me in the eye.

"Because those memories are fuzzy?" he asks, dropping a kiss on my belly and making me giggle.

"Well, yeah, I guess. But also because it is difficult to pinpoint a moment when my love for you changed into the romantic kind."

"What do you mean?"

"So there are lots of different kinds of love, right?"

He blinks at me. Great, I've totally lost him.

"The love I feel for Carlisle and the rest is very different from the love for you. There is a difference between a familial bond and the romantic love between spouses. And then the love I have for Ness, the parent child thing is a whole different ball game," I attempt to explain.

"So what are you saying?"

"I am saying that when we were young we were best friends, practically raised together. We grew up side by side, and I loved you then. Even before I really understood love, I knew you were mine and I wanted it to be that way. And then eventually, it just sort of happened. I was totally and irrevocably in love with you and I never stopped," I say, smiling softly at him.

He kisses my belly again. I giggle again.

"So you've loved me forever," he murmurs, lips moving against my skin. I tug on his hair, encouraging his actions. I bend my knee, laying my foot on the back of his calf and scooting down to get that much closer.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," I reply. "And it's the same for you. Even if you can't remember, it is just the same for you."

"Oh, I believe you. That feels true. I know it drives you crazy that I can't remember anything, but I don't think I really even need them for myself. You have them and I remember the feeling and that's that."

"That's that," I reply with a grin.

"You're my mate."

"Yes, that's me. The mate."

"And I'm your… husband."

I make a funny little sound, and Edward slithers up my body, his hands coming into my hair as he brings his face close to mine.

"Yeah, you are. You're my husband."

"And we love each other," he whispers against my lips.

"And we love each other," I repeat, my eyes flickering closed.

"And we've loved each other forever and we have the rest of eternity to keep it up."

I just nod as he finally kisses me because I truly have no words. For all the time I pretended to sleep and fantasized about a reality with this man, my imagination failed spectacularly in comparison with the real thing.

He kisses me dizzy, but even through my lust-fogged brain I hear my phone go off.

Edward groans, letting his head fall heavily against my collarbone. I let out a frustrated sound that is part growl and part laugh as I snag the device off the bedside table.

I see my sister's name on my screen and immediately panic.

"Rose," I whisper into the phone.

"Bella, oh my God." She is sobbing into the phone, truly hysterical. Edward sits up next to me, seeking out my wide-eyed gaze. "I am so sorry."

It is difficult to hear her words. The background noise makes me think she's running.

"Rose, what happened? Where's Vanessa?" I'm on my feet although I'm not sure how I got here. Edward stands in front of me, hands twitching at his sides as if he's not sure what do to with them.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't know! Jake's a mess, half his bones crushed. Six of them had Emmett and I pinned down in an alley. Six! Emmett lost an arm and she's gone!"

"Rosalie," I say in a tone so dangerous I almost don't recognize myself. "What are you saying?"

"She's gone. He took her."

And then the whole world seems to go black.

* * *

**Yup, evil. I know. See you soon!**


	24. All Fall Down

**I have the best readers ever. Seriously, you guys are so great for sticking with me through this one. I love you.**

**Speaking of readers, we've had a whole bunch of you joining the party in the last couple days? Was this baby rec'ed somewhere? Let me know!**

**So some bad news. My job is great and I'm writing a whole lot (not fiction, businessy stuff) which is awesome but my hands hurt. I type all day or take notes and it hurts! Like typing this right now hurts like a mofo. I have about half of the next chapter done, but I have to save my fingers for my job (sorry people, but they pay me). I'll try my best to be quick as I can with the next update.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Donna is the best one. **

**Thanks for reading!**

* * *

"Drive _faster,_" I hiss.

"Bella, I'm going 103," Jasper says, eyes never leaving the highway as he sends a wave of calm my direction. It does not work, and I growl at him, sitting on my hands to prevent myself from lashing out at my brother.

Carlisle and Esme follow just behind us. We took the two fastest cars, but it is still 150 miles to Seattle. More than anything my limbs ache to make the run, to do something proactive rather than sit in the back seat and snap at my brother, but doing it on foot would just take more time. The landscape between Forks and Seattle is rugged peak after rugged peak. Those goddamn mountains really slow me down.

"Jasper," Edward says, his voice calm but strained. "I will inform you of the presence of any police. Please dive as fast as possible."

My brother takes our speed up to 111.

I take Edward's hand, squeezing it so hard I fear I'll break him. We haven't shared words. There is nothing to say. I know the guilt of this is crushing him, but I just don't have it in me to provide any comfort what so ever.

I don't blame him, but this is my very worst fear, the culmination of all my nightmares.

James took our daughter. He unleashed six newborns on my siblings and took our daughter. It doesn't feel real.

"What do we know?" Jasper asks for the thousandth time. It took us less than five minutes after getting off the phone with Rose to assemble the family and get on the highway. It is late enough that the roads are mercifully clear.

"Nessie was swimming with the rest of her class at the hotel when Emmett and Rosalie picked up on the scent of the newborns a few blocks away," I explain again, sounding like a robot. "They went to go check it out, leaving Jake with Nessie. James used this as a distraction to take Nessie. Jake couldn't do much without shifting into wolf form, something he could not do at the hotel. James crushed Jake's upper body and ran off with Nessie. Emmett and Rosalie sensed James of course, but the newborns had clear instructions. Emmett lost an arm before they managed to decapitate the lot and get back to Jake. Emmett is with the crushed Jake now and Rosalie is following the trail south. The wolves are going to meet us there, but they will immediately spread out in the area around the city, trying to find Victoria. And that's it. That's all we know."

Jasper drives like a mad man, Alice rubs her temples and rocks rhythmically in the front seat, and Edward looks more vampire than I've seen him since the very beginning.

I gather all my strength, pushing down the fear and despair. My focus is solely with the demon and I stoke the furnace of hate that licks at my bones. This is how I am with the Volturi and this is how I must be now. As much as I want to go fetal and let out my hysterical mother side, I harden my heart.

"This has to be about Edward, right?" Jasper says, attempting to strategize. "Have you had any contact with them?"

I'm thankful for Jasper's role as investigator in this moment because I do not have the focus to ask the questions that need to be asked.

"I talked to Victoria briefly just after the New Year," my husband replies. "It was a perfectly friendly conversation and there was no indication that they would do something like this."

"What did she say?"

"She told me they were in Canada. She asked if I was done with the brunette yet and did ask if I had any plans to meet up with them again. She said she missed me, but was not angry when I told her that I was very serious about my relationship with Bella," Edward says. "There is very little Victoria takes seriously. If she is involved, she'll treat it like a joke."

"Did you tell her about Nessie?"

"No."

"Are you su—"

"He didn't mention Vanessa," I snap. "I was standing right there. He didn't even hint at Vanessa. They found out some other way."

"Maybe the Denali's? I'll call Tanya when we get to Seattle."

Fuck that bitch. I'll relish setting her on fire if she had anything to do with this, even if her role was totally accidental she will pay.

"Those disappearances in Port Angeles," Edward says. "No bodies were ever found. And Seattle is a big city. They could have easily created six newborns and kept up their lifestyle without catching our attention."

"So you think they've been in the area since the fall? Planning this?" Jasper asks.

Edward shrugs. "It's possible."

"How are we this stupid?" I mutter.

"We couldn't have known, Bella," Jasper says.

I just growl.

"I can't see anything!" Alice wails, speaking for the first time since Rosalie's call. "Nothing! I've got nothing!"

No one says anything for long moments.

"Drive faster," I tell Jasper.

* * *

"Keep him there," Jasper insists, pacing around the abandoned warehouse we've chosen to dispose of the six newborns used to distract my siblings. I watch them burn, arms crossed over my chest, absolutely aching for action. Alice helped us get them here, but now she stands motionless in a corner, eyes closed, trying desperately to see anything helpful. "I mean it, Tanya. There are five of you and one of him. I don't give a fuck if Irina has a crush on this asshole. Just keep him there. Someone will be on their way shortly."

"Have you learned anything else?" Tanya asks on the other end of the line. Although I want to hate her, the concern I hear in her voice for my daughter is genuine. "Found Victoria?"

"No, but we have the wolves on it. We'll call when we know more."

"Is there anything else we can do?"

"Just keep him there. And maybe smack Irina around for being so completely, dangerously moronic." Jasper hangs up before Tanya can reply.

"I'm going," I say. "I'll tear this motherfucker apart."

Phone calls to our sister clan pretty much solved the whole mystery of how James found out about the existence of our daughter. Apparently, an old friend of the nomads has spent the last five months in Alaska, learning about our lifestyle. Edward knows him, this Laurent character that is just oh so goddamn curious. Irina apparently is quite infatuated with the nomad, and has told him all sorts of family secrets.

I could kill her. I could sink my teeth into her neck, push my finger into her jugular and pull her head from her body.

Same goes for this Laurent asshole as well.

"Bella, let's just wait until we have all the information, okay? Carlisle is at the hotel with Jacob. The wolves are searching for the female's scent. Rose lost James when he got to the sea, so there is not much we can do there. We'll figure out where everyone goes as soon as we know more."

I growl. That's pretty much all the communicating I've been doing today.

"He got her in a goddamn boat," Edward mutters, pacing around in front of the crackling flames.

"Look, I know it's bad but he won't hurt her," Jasper says with absolute certainty that does nothing to make me feel any better. "He took her for a reason, something involving you, Edward. He won't hurt her, at least not until he reaches out and tells you just what he wants."

Edward goes a few rounds with a concrete wall. Jasper's phone rings again, and Edward immediately stops.

"Embry," Jazz says.

"We found her," replies the wolf.

"Found her?"

"Okay, no. Picked up on her scent though. She's heading southeast. She's been here within the last couple hours at least. What do you want us to do?"

"Okay, we gotta regroup. Half the family is with Jake at the hotel. He's okay, Embry. Carlisle had to re break some bones so he'll heal right, so he's in a lot of pain, but he'll be alright," Jasper explains before Embry can even ask.

"Shit," mutters Embry. "How did we let this happen?"

"I have no fucking clue."

"We'll stay on the scent. Call when you know where you want us."

Edward moves to my side, taking my hand. We face Jasper together.

"We're going after Victoria," says my husband.

"I'm not—"

"Jasper, we're going after Victoria," I insist. "Edward knows her. She likes Edward. It's to our advantage. Plus, she has this gift for escaping and I'm thinking that spending 95 years watching her use that gift just might come in handy at this point," I yell. I'm well aware that I'm not treating Jasper the way he deserves, but I can't be nice right now. I just don't have it in me.

"Okay. Fine! Let me think. We need to split up. Half with you two. Half to Alaska. Carlisle can stay with Jake at the house in Forks in case James chooses to get in touch that way. Alice and I can go with you. Rose, Emmett, and Esme can go to Alaska," Jasper says, looking to Alice who nods.

"Is Emmett up for that?" I ask. "He did just lose an arm. I know Rose managed to reattach it, but these things take time to get back to normal."

"Maybe Emmett will stay with Jake in Forks."

"Oh, he'll love that."

"Half the wolves need to go to Alaska," Edward suggests. "I really think I can get Victoria to talk, and she's never been much of a fighter. Laurent on the other hand does not appreciate being forced into a corner. Maybe take more than half. We'll just take Embry and Quil."

"Alright; let's do it."

* * *

It takes us three hours and twenty-three minutes to surround Victoria in the woods of Oregon. She is shockingly slippery, and it feels like forever before we manage to pin her down in a clearing.

But between Edward's experience with the flame haired she vamp and the element of surprise that is our long honed ability to coordinate flawlessly with the wolves, finally we surround her in a clearing and she has nowhere to go.

"Victoria," Edward says, voice calm but deadly.

"Hey, old friend," she says, sounding like a little kid who just got caught stealing a twenty from her mother's purse.

"Victoria."

She sighs heavily, kicking at the ground. "You guys move fast. It's only been a couple hours."

"_Victoria._"

"I don't know, Edward," she says, finally sounding as upset as someone in her position should be. She is surrounded by six very irate creatures, all of whom would do just about anything to get back what the redhead stole.

I myself am feeling particularly homicidal, and I've learned a thing or two about torture in all my years with the Volturi. I will have her truth, and every bit of what she knows will be mine.

"You don't know what, Victoria?" he asks. We all slowly inch closer to our captive. Her eyes dart around, trying to find another escape route. I will not let that happen. I am much faster.

"The point of any of this. I don't get it. The whole plan is madness, but he hates you so much for leaving us," Victoria says, shaking her head slowly. Her words give Edward pause.

"Really?" he asks, surprised. "I was under the impression he never cared much for my presence. He never did quite forgive you for turning me in the first place."

"Yeah, he's a jealous son of a bitch," Victoria says with a chuckle. I get antsy. Is she stalling? "I could never really explain the call to turn you and he sure does hate that I felt that need."

"Victoria. My daughter."

"Right," she says, blowing a chunk of curly red hair out of her face. "He doesn't like you, but he didn't like that you left either. I don't really get it, but he only wanted you to leave if he made it happen. He's got some strange, proprietary thing happening."

"So you are saying that this is some sort of hissy fit!" I scream at her with a growl. "She is a child! A scared, innocent child!"

"Yeah, can't really get over that one," says Victoria. I hate her calm. "I can't believe she even exists. That you're a dad. So this kinda makes me a grandma in some strange sorta way."

"Where is he taking her, Victoria?" he asks.

"This whole thing is crazy," she mutters. "We're meeting up in Idaho."

"Idaho?" I ask, skeptical. "He took her on a boat."

"Just a short little boat ride to get rid of that pesky scent trail and a long, long car ride," she explains.

"Well then lead the way," I demand.

Victoria gives me a cold, asserting look. "You don't look like much," she murmurs. "I'm not sure if I approve of you as a suitable mate for my progeny."

I growl and take a step forward. Edward sighs heavily and shoots me a look across the clearing that demands I stay put. Begrudgingly, I take his silent advice.

"Victoria," Edward says for the thousandth time.

"He had to know this would happen, right? I mean, we knew about your wolfy friends. He had to know you'd track me down and demand I lead you to him. And he had to know I have this weird soft spot for you, Edward, and that I would undoubtedly do as you requested. So what's his game?" Victoria muses.

Now Edward looks scared. Really, truly scared.

"Fuck," mutters my husband. "Do you know the route he's going to take? Could we surprise him on the highway?"

"I don't know," Victoria says with a rueful little shrug. "He's too smart to tell me. I really have no idea what he's planning, Edward. No idea."

And I wanted her to be lying. I want her to know something, anything, that could give us some clue to where Nessie is, but it's extremely hard to lie to my mind reading husband.

"Let's get to fucking Idaho."

* * *

"Carlisle," I basically moan into the phone when my father picks up. It's so good to hear his voice and I curl up in a little ball under a tree just outside this podunk little town. Victoria dragged us to this tiny little cabin in the middle of nowhere, the alleged meeting place. I had to run thirteen miles to get some cell service.

"You sound tired. You're in Idaho?"

"Yeah, and I'm not particularly happy about it," I tell him, closing my eyes and attempting to recharge. "This could all be some great rouse, a plot between the two of them, but Edward trusts this Victoria for whatever fucked up reason. And then there is the whole mind reading thing."

Carlisle sighs heavily. "That pesky sire-chide bond."

"Yeah, weird," I say with a chuckle.

"Bella, there is not a lot else you could be doing at the moment. We may be powerful, but there is no way to patrol every bit of land between Washington and Idaho."

"But I want there to be," I mutter petulantly.

"Me too. God, Bella, it's our worst nightmare," he murmurs.

"I know, Carlisle."

I breathe in the smells of the forest and the little town nearby, totally resenting the different smells. This is not my forest and I failed in keeping my daughter safe. It's the most basic thing a mother should provide. Safety. And I couldn't even give her that.

"Any update from Alaska?" I ask.

"Not really," he replies. "We're getting nothing from this Laurent character. He claims no knowledge of these plans, but he admits to telling James about Nessie. Kate shocked him quite extensively. Irina is very upset."

"Good. I hope that bitch suffers," I mutter.

"Bella," my father admonishes.

"I wish Edward would let us do some good torture on Victoria. He wouldn't even let me take a finger," I say.

"He knows her, Bella. You've got to trust him when it comes to her, as much as you might dislike it," he says gently.

"Damn you and your wisdom, father-mine. How's Jake? Emmett?" I ask, suddenly so guilty. All my worry has been placed solely on my daughter.

"They're fine. Or they will be, given the time. They are mostly just worried about Vanessa. That's all you need to focus on now. Vanessa."

A little sob escapes my throat.

"Carlisle, I'm so scared," I confess in a strangled whisper.

"I know. Me too."

"We failed her, Carlisle."

"Yes, but there is really only so much we can do. We can't control the whole world, Bella."

I just sniff into the phone.

"Edward is scared James has some other goal besides just punishing Edward. Victoria seems suspicious, like she has just been humoring her mate this whole time. And she comes off as guilty, too, but I don't know if I believe her," I say.

"We'll send the wolves down. Maybe Kate and Rose too for when James gets close?" he suggests.

"Yeah, okay. Whatever you think is best."

"Bella, you can't fall apart yet, okay? Once Nessie is tucked safely back in her bed in that obnoxiously yellow room in the cabin, then you can fall apart. But you don't have time for that," he says, talking quietly. He is so heartbroken. I can hear it in his voice.

"Okay," I reply, sounding so small.

"We'll get her back, safe and sound."

"Okay."

"I truly believe it, my dear."

"Okay."

"Rose and Kate will be there as soon as possible, along with the five wolves we have here," he says.

"Only five?"

"Jared and Riley stayed in Forks. Some have to protect the home base," he explains.

"And they can keep Jake and Emmett in the loop."

"That too."

"Hey, I need to get back to Edward. I'll make sure someone calls you every couple hours. We don't have any fucking service at that goddamn cabin, so we'll just have to stay in touch even with nothing new to report," I say.

"Alright. Go. I love you, Bella. It will be okay."

"Love you too, Pops."

I give myself a few moments to soothe my head, burrowing in the dirt before I pick myself up and run back towards the goddamn cabin.

* * *

"We don't all really fit in here," Victoria muses, leaning against a doorframe, surveying the chaos in the small living area.

Edward does a lot of leaning against doorframes. I wonder if this is a habit he picked up from his sire.

"Well we wouldn't all fucking be here if you and your psycho kidnapper mate didn't steal our daughter, effectively pissing off a whole lot of people!" I snap, rising from my seat on the threadbare couch next to Edward, prepared to stomp across the small space and throttle this bitch. I really loathe her and her nonchalant attitude.

Edward grabs my shoulder, pulling me back to his side. Glowering all the while at the redhead, I let myself relax back into Edward's chest.

"No need to get huffy," Victoria unwisely continues. "I'm just saying that I didn't anticipate there being quite so many of you, half of whom reek. Good thing the wolves have decided to stay outside."

I growl.

"Victoria, please just stop," Edward says with a heavy sigh.

"Anything for you, oh sweet chide of mine," she replies. I growl again, causing her to laugh. "You just make it too damn easy. Lighten up, lady. You know Edward is extra broody, right? This will never work if neither of you manage to find a sense of humor."

"You kidnapped our daughter." I attempt to scream at her, but instead it comes out as a miserable wail. I sound so painfully weak and I can't afford anything but strength. Carlisle said that it's not time to completely break down yet. I have to save that for later. When I have Nessie back.

With another pathetically miserable sound, I turn to Edward, pressing my face into his neck.

"You need to back off, Victoria," Edward spits out. I peek out from the safety of his neck to see his angry, vampire face. Victoria actually looks guilty. "You have no idea what this feels like, and it's partially your goddamn fault. I'm your only semi ally in this situation, so you'd be wise not to piss me off and not to piss of my mate. If you don't stop, Victoria, I will let Kate there shock you senseless."

Kate sticks her head out of the kitchen where she's been camped out with Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper to give Victoria a maniacal grin. "Zap, zap," she says, accompanying the electric current that buzzes over her palms.

"You're surrounded, Victoria. There are six very angry vampires here as well as seven giant wolves specially designed to rip bloodsuckers like you apart. You assisted in the kidnapping of our daughter, a very special girl loved by some very powerful beings. You have no idea what fury you've wrought upon yourself, and I suggest you start giving the situation the seriousness it deserves. This cavalier attitude you're presenting right now will do you no favors," Edward continues.

Victoria gives him a sad smile and drops her gaze to her shoes as she adjusts her ridiculous furry vest.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Edward. It's just… I've been pretty uncomfortable with this thing since we found out about her, but you know James. When he gets something in his head…"

She trails off cryptically. Edward actually shivers and I don't know what to do with his fear.

"You know I get snarky when I get uncomfortable. Really, I'm sorry about all of this, Edward. I missed you and I'm just getting that I've probably blown any chance of having a relationship with you ever again," she says, frowning. In this moment she looks so sad.

The way they talk to each other makes me curious about the nature of her relationship with my husband, but again, that is something to be thought on later. There is no room in my head for anything but Vanessa.

Worrying about Vanessa. Plotting how to keep Vanessa safe.

"Eternity is a long time. When James gets here, if you actually manage to stand up to him for the first time in the history of your relationship, then we'll see," Edward murmurs, being far too good and kind.

Victoria sighs heavily, leaning against a wall and scooting down it to sit on the floor. She glances at her watch and sighs again.

"How long?" Edward asks.

"Should be early tomorrow morning? That's the plan anyway," she replies.

"So long?" I ask.

Victoria shrugs. "He probably will take some crazy route so you'll have no chance of tracking him down. He certainly is the think of everything type."

I tap my fingers against Edward's thigh and bite my lip, playing around with a possible solution in my mind. But it's risky. Excessively risky.

"I could call the guard," I say, closing my eyes. The thought makes my head ache. "I just… I don't want them anywhere near Vanessa, and it might do more harm than good. It would be a last result kind of thing. Just what do you think James plans to do when he gets here? I mean, if this is all more devious then him just fucking with Edward to fuck with Edward, then maybe it's worth a call. I don't know," I say in a rush.

Jasper materializes out of an unseen corner in the kitchen, staring at me thoughtfully.

"I have considered this, although, I would not be surprised if they are already aware of the situation and mobilizing to assist. Technically, she's under their protection, and I have no doubt that Dmitri keeps tabs on all of us," says my brother.

"Fuck," I mutter. "Yeah. Fuck."

"I thought you were thinking about calling them?" Rosalie asks, leaning back on two legs of her chair at the small kitchen table.

"The problem is she hasn't already. If they are on the way and Bella didn't call them, Aro is going to see it as some sort of slight to his pride. He will be offended and unpredictable," Alice puts in, talking over Edward as he growls at the name.

There has been a lot of this. In the hour or so since we reached the goddamn cabin, there has been a lot of talk and strategizing. We don't get anywhere new, but I think it makes us feel better, makes us feel like we are actively doing something to help my daughter rather than just sitting here uselessly.

"Yup," I reply. "That's about the size of it. Fuck."

"Wait, hold up," Victoria says from her position on the floor. "What is going on? Whose protection is she under? If she is under this supposed protection than how come it was so easy to take her? You said a name. Surely you didn't say—"

"Aro," Alice, Rosalie, and I all say in unison.

I get some sick pleasure from the look of horror on Victoria's face. She's scared for the first time. As she should be.

"Oh fuck," says the redhead. "Why is she under their protection? Because of what she is? Shouldn't this be the sort of thing they frown upon?"

I snort. "You have no idea, lady," I mutter.

"What protection?" she asks again.

"Okay, it's not like she's surrounded by her own personal guard. It is more of a guarantee that they will step in if anything were ever to happen to her," I say, glaring daggers at Victoria. She has the sense to look terrified. "If she were to be kidnapped, for example."

"Oh, fuck," she whispers.

"Yeah, that's about the size of it. And if anything were to happen to one hair on her precious, miracle, hybrid head, well… heads would literally roll, so they say," I continue, pushing my advantage now that I've found it.

I should have seen this path sooner, but I'm so used to being terrified by the intervention of the Volturi with my daughter's life. This is the first time my position with the guard is actually directly benefitting my family, rather than just keeping it safe.

Maybe. Probably not. I can't call them, but maybe the threat is enough to get Vanessa back unharmed.

"Oh, fuck," Victoria says again. "I guess I should call James now."

"Calling him is an option!" I spit out. Somehow I find that I'm on my feet again. Rose and Kate join me, all of us closing in on the redhead. She scoots back harder into the wall, the heels of her shoes leaving divots in the wood floor.

"If you lovely ladies beat her up she won't be able to make that phone call," Jasper very wisely points out.

I sit back down with Edward. Kate and Rosalie retreat back into the kitchen. Alice goes back to rocking on her heels, attempting to see some glimpse of the future. It's impossible, given this is all about Nessie and the wolves are all over the place, but this is Alice's one recourse. She has no other great power, nothing more to really contribute, but she's desperate to do something and I truly love her for it.

"Make the call," Edward says.

Victoria gives him a shaky head nod as she digs a phone out of her back pocket.

"You have service," I ask, my voice low and deadly.

"Guess so," Victoria says with a guilty grin.

"You couldn't have possibly mentioned that before I had to go search out a town?" I yell, seething.

"Oops," says Victoria.

I growl, absolutely loathing Edward's sire.

"Just make the call, Victoria," my husband insists.

All six of us remain still as statues as the phone rings. Quil, Embry, and Leah, the three wolves not running patrols stay still as they listen as well. The tension mounts as each ring passes.

And then it goes to voice mail. Everyone, including Victoria and the wolves, groans.

"I'm sure it's fine," Victoria says quickly, with absolutely no confidence. 'There could be a million perfectly reasonable, not bad reasons for him to not answer his phone. Let's not panic."

My face finds its way back into Edward's neck as panic sears my insides. I whimper as Edward smooth's back my hair and kisses my temple. There is nothing we can do but wait.

* * *

"Okay, I admit. There is something wrong here. He should have been here hours ago and he isn't picking up his phone!" Victoria is frantic now, pacing around the living area and dialing James over and over again.

I'm panicking myself, because deep down I know what's happened. I just know. It's the worst-case scenario. To keep myself sane, I sit with my legs crossed on the couch next to Edward, eyes closed, doing my best to meditate. He makes it a bit difficult, the way he is squeezing my hand for dear life.

The others long since abandoned this oppressive little cabin. It's stifling in here, and I don't really blame them. Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Kate all sit on the roof, sparkling in the sunlight as we wait.

"What do we do?" she squeaks out, pretty much losing it. Her fear is legitimate, but I don't feel any sympathy. She brought this on herself. She brought this on all of us, really.

I take two more deep breaths, attempting to center myself. This might be a blessing, after all. Perhaps they have her and are already bringing her back home to Forks.

"Give me the phone," I say, sticking my hand out to Victoria. She doesn't and I open my eyes to see what's held her up. She regards me with suspicion. "Mine doesn't work here. I'm not running to podunk anywhere when you have a perfectly good one. Give me the phone."

And she does before retreating to her corner and sitting on her floor, fitting her heels into the slots she created hours ago.

I dial the number from memory, hating what I have to do. I keep my hand in Edward's, and he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Felix," I say when he picks up at two rings.

"Oh, Bella," he says, sounding pained. His tone confirms the worst of my worst fears. They have her, but she is nowhere near Forks. "I wasn't involved."

Like I give a flying fuck about that detail in this moment.

"_Felix,_" I hiss. "What is going on? Where is my daughter?"

He sighs.

"On a plane."

'To where exactly?"

"Bella," he whispers. I'm shocked to hear the sympathy in his tone. Maybe he really is my friend. Maybe he really does care about me in some small way. "You know the answer to that question."

I let out a sob, but quickly cover my mouth, unwilling to let Felix hear the extent of my distress, friend or not. Edward wraps his arm around my shoulders and I collect myself.

"When will they arrive?" I ask.

"Not for a good long while," he replies. "They've only been in the air for an hour or so."

I close my eyes. They took her, only a matter of hours ago, and we did nothing. We sat here, waiting.

"Who?"

"Jane and her usual contingent. Five in total. Dmitri is with them. He'll take care of your daughter. You know he will," he replies.

I nod even though he can't see me.

"Will Jane…" I almost can't even ask the question.

"No," he says right away, understanding immediately where I'm going here. "Orders right from Aro. She wouldn't dare break them, Bella. Dmitri won't allow it, and when she gets here I'll look after her. That's a promise, Bella. I'll do all I can to make her comfortable, to ease her fears."

"Thank you, Felix," I whisper, leaning against my husband as my heart breaks. "What happens now? What does he want with her? Should I get on a plane?"

"No," he says, fearful now. "No, I shouldn't even be telling you this much. Aro has some grand scheme, of course. It's not about your daughter at all. It never really has been. This is some power play to get you firmly back under his thumb. Did something happen to make Aro question your submission to his rule?"

I inhale sharply, turning to share a horrified gaze with Edward. He shakes his head, looking thoroughly dead inside. He slowly lowers his face, hiding it in his hands. I push my hand through his hair and rest my forehead against his temple.

"What do I do?" I whisper.

"Just… wait, Bella."

I let out a frustrated wail, feeling so useless and so scared.

"He's going to call you, make you some sort of offer. I don't know what, but if I find out before he reaches out to you, I'll try to get away and call you. Or maybe have Dmitri do it," Felix says, talking in a rush now. "Look, I've got to get back, okay? This is already too suspicious, given everything that's happening."

"Okay," I whisper in a small, pathetic voice.

"What of James?" Victoria basically screams. I jump, startled into remembering that she's here at all.

"James?" Felix asks, hearing her outburst.

"The one who kidnapped her," I explained.

"Oh, right. They burned him on the spot. He's ash in the wind now."

Victoria screams and screams. Edward jumps a little at my side, but pushes closer to me once more.

"Thank you, Felix," I say, totally ignoring her.

"Bella, it will work out. Nothing will happen to her. I promise."

And then he's gone, my last feeble connection to our daughter. She's so alone. So scared.

God, what have we done? What did we let happen?

I melt against Edward, every limb shaking. I succumb to my grief; Victoria's wailing an apt accompaniment that is soon joined by the mournful howling of the wolves.

Jake and Emmett will know by now, through that wolfy connection of theirs.

This is the time to totally fall apart.


	25. A Glum Lot

**Thank you for reading/reviewing/rec'ing/favoriting/altering/ whatever. We've got lots of new readers joining the party and that's just lovely.**

**The next chapter is pretty much done and will be with Donna tonight so the wait won't be long. **

**And speaking of Donna, she is one awesome beta. **

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

Nobody knows what to say.

The journey back to Forks, with our group of mourners, is a blur and the memory of it now that I'm seated in our home is lost to me. The words of those around me are lost, too, and I watch the frantic movements of my family through a sort of daze.

I take it all in through eyes that don't feel like mine.

There are many vampires here. My family brought the Denali's down from Alaska, along with the asshole Irina's grown so attached to, the one who told James about our daughter. Edward is shoving him a lot. It looks like he's yelling too, but my ears are not functioning. Jacob is yelling at the new, dark vampire as well, while the traitor Irina looks on in concern.

Everyone appears to be yelling, actually, with the exception of Victoria. She sits next to me on the couch in our living room with a dead look in her eyes. She looks like I feel.

Come to think of it she probably looks the way I look, too.

Carlisle, Jasper, and Eleazar are talking rapidly. Alice is still trying to see some glimpse of the future. Rosalie is smacking around Emmett's recently reattached arm, trying to get it to function properly.

The wolves have gathered outside, the whole pack. Again, I can't hear them over the buzzing in my head, but I know they are close, pacing, listening, _waiting_ for someone to make some sort of decision.

It should be me. I am her mother and this is my entire fault so I should make the decision. I said no. He is punishing me because I said no.

But that's not really fair, is it? I should have the right to say no. It is my body. Really, this is Aro's fault. He is the one to blame here not me or Edward or Emmett or Rosalie or Jake.

Aro is the demon. It's always been his fault. And I will see to it that he burns for this.

As soon as I can get my ears to start functioning properly again, I'll make sure he burns.

Also after I get the damn phone call.

There is fighting and yelling, but I don't hear it and I can't feel anything. My skin is colder than usual. The buzzing between my ears only adds to my already excruciating headache.

There are flames in my head. An inferno blazes in my mind and God, how it hurts. It all hurts.

I'm on my feet and out the door before I realize that I'm moving at all. I'm a ghost. I'm a shell.

The wolves watch me as I move past, but I just stare straight ahead, unseeingly, as I move into the forest. I walk the path my daughter has walked so frequently since Edward's return.

Ten months. He got ten months with his daughter before we let it all unravel. I had ninety-six years, but still couldn't manage to figure out a way to keep her safe.

I'm in our family home. I'm in the cabin, but no one is here and Nessie is with my worst enemies so it doesn't really feel like home anymore. Just a place we keep our stuff.

Who cares about stuff?

Edward finds me some time later sitting in the middle of the bed in Nessie's yellow room with my legs tucked under me. I stare at a picture of the three of us taken only a few weeks ago after her choir concert. Her orange vest clashes horribly with her hair, but her grin is wide as she smiles at the camera, an arm slung around each of our shoulders.

It was taken only a few weeks ago and she already managed to have it framed.

Then Edward's face is right in front of mine. His lips move but it takes me a moment to diminish the buzzing so I can hear what he's saying.

"Bella," he repeats, touching my face with obvious concern. "Can you hear me?"

He doesn't ask if I'm all right because he knows the answer.

"Yes," I say with a nod. "I can hear you."

"Everyone is still arguing and no one will let me dismember Laurent," he murmurs, as my gaze drifts back to the photo on her bedside table.

"Doesn't matter. It's Aro's fault, totally. No one else is to blame."

I feel him flinch against me at the mention of the name, but can't find it in me to feel guilty.

"It's my fault too," he insists, full on panicking now. "I should have known James would do something like this. I should have never let Nessie go to—"

"Don't." My ragged whisper is enough to have him freezing before me. I drag my gaze away from the photo on the bedside table to really look at my husband for the first time in hours. He is so painfully distraught, totally broken.

I can relate.

"Don't what?" he whispers.

"Just… don't do the blame game thing you do. I don't have the energy to make you feel better and argue with you. It's Aro's fault, Edward. And James too, but that's it. I know there is no way for me to convince you of that, but just don't do the self-depreciative thing at me right now. I can't take it." My voice breaks at the end and Edward reaches out to cradle my face. I lean into his chest, dry sobbing because crying is a physical impossibility.

Eventually, Edward pushes me back. We curl up together in our daughter's bed, clinging to each other in an attempt to provide a little comfort but it doesn't work. Nothing will make either of us feel any better until Nessie is back safe and sound and in this bed.

"What do we do now?" he murmurs. My fingers tighten in his sweater, terrified he'll leave me.

"We wait until we get Aro's call," I whisper, even though he's aware of this already. "And then we get our daughter back."

* * *

Someone does the math to figure out how long it will take for the plane to land in Italy. Edward and I make our way back to the big house to wait with everyone for the call.

Although everyone has calmed slightly and no one is yelling or even speaking really, the tension remains, hanging thick and palatable in the air. The five Denali's are in the kitchen with Laurent. Victoria has not moved from her position on the couch. My family is stationed in the living room while Jake, whose body was recently crushed, is upstairs lying down in a spare bedroom, trying to heal as quickly as possible in anticipation of what's to come.

I fold myself into a chair and try to soothe my head.

It feels like we wait forever, but eventually my phone rings. Everyone freezes as I bring the device to my ear. Edward crouches in front of me, his hands on my knees. His fingers dig into my skin, but I barely feel it.

"Aro," I say, sounding remarkably calm. Enraged, but calm.

"Hello, my dearest Isabella," he croons. Rage boils in my belly. "How are you on this lovely day?"

"It's actually night here," I snap. "And you very well know I've been better."

"Ah, yes. The matter of a certain kidnapping. Not very vigilant of you, letting that ruffian take what is so precious to you. Do not fret. He was disposed of."

A growl builds low in Victoria's throat and Rosalie covers her mouth to keep her quiet.

"It's seems this has become a matter of two kidnappings, Aro," I say through a clenched jaw.

"Isabella," he says, tone laced with saccharine offense. "You wound me deeply, calling me a kidnapper after I so gallantly saved your daughter."

"Aro, must we do this? What do you want?"

I should be more patient, but calm is rapidly flying out the window as the situation sinks in.

Aro has my daughter.

Aro has Vanessa.

"She really is quite lovely," Aro muses. Edward pushes his face into my knee in an attempt to stifle his growl. "Although, I must admit I always imagined her looking much more like her mother. She has very little of you in her, Isabella. If I didn't know better I'd question her parentage."

She has my eyes, my human eyes, but this is not knowledge Aro is privy too. We've come around to the topic of parentage and I look at Edward, hating that I wasn't able to keep him safe. I failed to keep both of them safe.

"In fact, not five minutes ago, I mentioned this fact to the darling Vanessa." I lock my jaw to keep the sob from escaping my throat. Edward rips my jeans with his teeth, desperately trying to stay quiet. No one else dares to move. "She said the most interesting thing. Care to guess?"

I do not guess, nor does Aro allow me the time to offer one.

"She informed me that she takes after her father with a few exceptions. Her _father_. Fancy that."

God, he saw her. Five minutes ago, he _saw_ her. I desperately want to ask how she is, demand that he put her on the phone, but that's what Aro wants. He is prodding me, attempting to get me to lose control. He won't let me talk to her. He won't answer my questions.

That's what Felix is for. He'll answer my questions.

"What do you want, Aro?" I ask, unable to keep my voice from breaking.

"She's so strong, your daughter. Like you. Knowing full well what I can do, she bravely accepted my handshake. Fascinating mind, your daughter has, and a truly intriguing gift of her own, but I digress. I learned so much from your daughter's memories and thoughts."

This is my punishment for denying him last time. I brought this on all of us, and Aro draws out every word, understanding just how to make me suffer. Through Vanessa's mind, he's come to know a very different version of the vampire than the one he is used to me being in his presence. He's seen my humanity and also my weakness, and now we're all suffering for it.

"What do you want, Aro?" I ask again, trying so hard to once more gain some sort of control in this horrible conversation.

"Oh, the same thing I've always wanted," he says, voice low and deadly now.

And I know what he's going to say before he says it. It is the same thing he said last time. There's no way to spare Edward from this, but there is no way to stop the train wreck.

"You," he says. "What I require is you, Isabella."

"That's an agreement I've made before," I remind him even as my heart breaks.

"Indeed," says Aro with an exaggerated sigh. "That is an agreement you did indeed make but, alas. You broke it as well."

This time I'm unable to hold back the sob while Edward is unable to hold back his growl. Aro crackles with delight.

"Oh, Isabella. Keeping secrets. Breaking promises. I believe I'm being growled at. Could this be your mate, perhaps? Or do you prefer the term husband? Your long lost husband, back from the dead. How very fortunate for you and your daughter," Aro says.

He loves this. Absolutely loves it.

"What do you want?" I whisper, sounding so pathetic. "What more could you possibly demand from me?"

Aro sighs. "You are not in the mood to play. How disappointing."

"Aro, what will get my daughter home safe?" I demand.

"But I've already said. You, Isabella. That is what I require," he repeats. Edward hasn't stopped growling since Aro said this the first time. It's just a low level rumble, but I can feel the vibration in my bones.

"What do you mean?" I snap, tired of talking in circles. "Never once have I failed to protect the guard."

"Oh, I think you would be able to perform your duties much better if you resided here in Volterra on a permanent basis," he says. Aro drops his bomb and I shouldn't even be surprised. From the moment Felix called me I should have known we'd end up here.

Aro has been waiting for an opportunity like this for years, maybe even since we struck our original arrangement, and now he's found it in the form of my daughter.

"It's so simple, really. You for her. You stay here permanently or she does."

I can't find the words. Edward's frightened gaze meets mine, and nothing feels real.

"I'm tired of this conversation. Goodbye, Isabella. Please inform me of your decision at your convenience and we will deliver your daughter immediately, as we pick you up."

And then he's gone.

Nobody moves for a long moment. I feel as if I'm in a sort of daze as I look around at all the stricken faces surrounding me. Edward's is the most appalled, of course, but I see him through a fog.

I reach out to stroke his hair for the last time before getting up on unsteady feet.

"I've got to get to Italy," I say in a disembodied voice that doesn't sound or feel like my own. Moving towards the door, I feel like a ghost. The world takes on a wavy quality.

I have to go to Italy. Me for Vanessa. That's the deal. I have to go to Italy for forever.

The yelling has started up again, but it's just a general buzz in my ears. Vampires get in my face, but I step around them. There are hands on my shoulders but I make it to the front door anyway. Someone is holding me back and it's a struggle to break free, but I get through the door and immediately bump into a hard chest.

Through the foggy world, I gaze up at the vampire in front of me.

"Garrett?" I manage.

"Just where do you think you're going?" he demands, red eyes narrowed at me.

"I have to go to Italy," I murmur. "I have to save Nessie by going to Italy for forever."

"That's fucking stupid," he says, pushing me back through the doorway. Again, I don't even feel it. I just blink up at him through the hazy world, puzzling over the buzzing in my head.

"I've got to go to Italy."

Why doesn't he understand? I have to fix this.

"Get inside, Bella. You're in shock," he snaps, losing patience.

I cock my head to the side to study him. Vampires don't go into shock.

"Italy," I murmur. But then someone is wrapping their arms around me, trapping my arms at my side. I struggle for a moment but then Edward is whispering soothing words in my ear. I go limp against his chest.

I let him turn me around and press my nose into his neck, holding him as tight as possible. When my feet can't manage to move right, Edward lifts me up and wraps my legs around his waist. He's walking somewhere with me, but I don't pay attention to where until I'm gently lowered to a soft mattress.

"Edward, I have to go to Italy," I say through a sob. He crawls in next to me and I cling to his side.

"Bella, we'll come up with something. We're not trading you away into slavery."

"But Nessie is with Aro! I have to go to Italy," I insist, getting hysterical.

"The best way to help Nessie right now is for you to rest and clear your head, Bella. We need you rational so we can come up with a plan."

"We don't know if she's okay even! He wouldn't have told me if I asked."

"Should I call Felix?" he asks.

"No, he might be in the castle. Text him."

Edward pulls my phone out of my pocket as I attempt to clear the fog. I curl up against Edward's side, squeezing my eyes shut in a vain attempt to block out the world. Maybe when I open them again this will all be in my head and Nessie will be safe in her yellow bedroom.

"She's okay," Edward murmurs. I hear his fingers tapping against the keys on my phone. "A little shaky, but okay. No one has hurt her, Bella. Felix is staying with her."

I nod and try to do what Edward says. I need a clear head to see a way out of this.

* * *

"When did Garrett get here?" I ask. I've wasted valuable hours falling apart, but now the fog is lifting. I'm pulling it together, but even with calm and logic I refuse to rule out the option of taking Aro's deal. It will be a last resort, but if it comes down to me or Nessie, the choice is easy.

"What?"

"I hear my friend Garrett. When did he get here?"

"You don't remember?"

I shake my head, feeling like a fool. Edward sighs and kisses my forehead.

"You were pretty out of it, huh?" he murmurs.

"This is my very worst fear, Edward."

"I know."

"So Garrett?"

"He's been here for a couple hours," Edward says. "He showed up right after you got off the phone. He thought about slapping some sense into you and I thought it was time to intervene so I brought you up here."

"That sounds like Garrett."

"He was quite shocked to learn about me," Edward muses. "Although he does keeping thinking about an interesting memory of you two in a tree last summer."

I just nod, hoping Garrett has something better to think about besides our brief affair.

"So you slept with him," Edward says as if he's talking about the weather.

I wince and nod. "It was a long time ago." Edward just frowns. "Please, don't make this a thing. We have so much to deal with right now. We've been friends for a really long time and he really cares about Ness. He'll be helpful, Edward."

"It seems like he's too busy flirting with Kate."

I roll my eyes. "He is such an idiot. They've been tap dancing around each other for decades and if he could manage to give up people and stay in one place for more than a week, they'd have a real shot."

Edward sighs and I kiss his cheek before sitting up.

"God, Edward," I murmur, my voice breaking.

"I know." He holds my hand. "We'll fix this. She'll be safe soon."

I listen with half an ear to the vampires and single wolf gathered in the living room below.

"I guess we need to attend this family meeting," he says.

"Or you could just let me bop off to Italy, never to return," I mutter. Edward just growls. With a final sigh I pull him out of bed.

* * *

Vanessa is special. I've always known this. She is so full of life, it makes us vampires ache for our humanity. Looking at Nessie may remind us of what we lost, but she also has a way of soothing the spirit. She touches everyone she meets and garners such loyalty from the undead.

Vanessa has a lot of powerful friends.

I sit curled up in the same chair I broke down in. Edward is perched on the back, his hand on my shoulder as we listen to our friends and family pledge their unlives for the safety for my daughter.

I am moved beyond words.

I've always known she's special, but somewhere along the line I forgot that all these vampires can feel it too. Nessie is special and rare and good and worth protecting at all costs.

"We can't just go marching into Volterra," points out Carlisle. He stands at the front of the room, leading the discussion. We haven't come up with a practical plan, but knowing we have the support of our friends is important too. "He wants to come get Bella. Does he think we'll just invite him over?"

"And you're living a dream if you think we'll be able to avoid a fight," says Tanya. I still can't look at the bitch, but she is here and she isn't being an asshole about Edward and I. Plus, she's willing to burn for Nessie. That's something.

"Bring on a fight I say," puts in Garrett. Emmett hardily agrees, shocking no one. "Revolution is long over due if you ask me. Their tyranny has gone way too far this time. Let's topple this dictator son of a bitch."

Kate rolls her eyes but many vampires around the room nod in agreement. I'm somewhat surprised to see so many willing to start a war that is sure to end aflame.

"I'll burn them all," hisses Victoria, fists clenched at her side. Her eyes are wild and for a moment I'm thankful to have her on our side, even if she is partially to blame for our current predicament. "Which one killed James?" she asks, turning to me.

"Probably Jane," I say, lying through my teeth. The sadistic little bitch isn't one to get her hands dirty. In reality, Dmitri probably did the deed, but some ridiculous part of me still dreams of converting the tracker to our cause so I'll protect him from Victoria's drive for revenge. I'm sure Jane tortured James plenty before he lost his head, so Victoria's rage will not be wholly misplaced.

"I will end her," says Victoria with such quiet conviction it makes me actually believe her words.

I nod my approval.

"These are dangerous words," says Laurent. He stands with his body angled towards the door, as if he is ready to flee at any moment. I've stopped blaming any one but Aro for this situation, but I hate this nomad anyway. "What you speak of is suicide and treason. I will have no part in it."

He takes a step towards the door and half of my family immediately moves towards him, ready to prevent his exit.

"Let him go," I say, causing Edward to frown at me. "He's got a big fucking mouth and he's a coward, but he's also irrelevant. Let him go. We don't have the energy to spare keeping him prisoner. Laurent," I say, addressing the asshole for the first time. "He'll burn you like he burned your friend if you go to them. Just being at this meeting is a death sentence."

Everyone settles down a little, even if they still want to tear Laurent apart for telling James about Nessie in the first place.

"Irina, come with me, my love. It is suicide."

"No," say Irina. Her loyalty earns her a very small fraction of my forgiveness, but it is something. "I started this whole mess and I owe it to Vanessa to see it through. You do too, Laurent. Please stay. If not for Nessie, then for me."

The dark vampire just shakes his head sadly before vanishing out the backdoor, disappearing into the woods in the blink of an eye. Irina lets out a mournful wail, collapsing into Kate's side, but the rest of us get down to business.

"I can't ask you to fight for me," I murmur. They could all turn to ash for me and mine. It's a price I would willingly pay for my daughter's safety, but not for my own. Although they are doing it out of love for Vanessa, they will really be fighting to save me from an eternity of servitude.

"You're not asking," murmurs Carmen, speaking for the first time since this little meeting began. "We willingly volunteer. Or I do."

She looks around expectantly.

"As do I," says Eleazar.

The rest of the Denali's progress to pledge their unlives to this fight. My family chimes in too, along with Jake and Victoria. I'm over come with emotion by their willingness to take on such risk.

"There will be others, too," says Tanya, looking to Carlisle. "We have many friends."

A part of me wants to put a stop to it, to protect the remainder of our friends from the danger of the Volturi, but it's for my daughter so I remain quiet.

"You wish to recruit others to join us in this fight?" Carlisle says, deep in thought. "It did work rather well last time. If we get lucky, Aro will balk at our numbers and we will find a peaceful resolution that keeps both Vanessa and Bella safe."

My father's gentleness is admirable, but seems somewhat naive in this moment.

"Fuck that," mutters Emmett.

"If we reach a so called peaceful resolution we'll just be delaying the evitable," points out Jasper.

"Aro's out of control. I understand the purpose of the Volturi. I really get it, but Aro's time is over. He's too power hungry and he needs to be stopped. This collecting thing he does is fucked up. What's to stop him from going after the Denali's for Kate? Or Alice or anyone else who is special? It's not just about Nessie and Bella. It's about all of us," Garrett insists. "He needs to burn."

Everyone goes still and silent.

This is what we've been discussing for the last couple of hours, but Garrett is the first one to actually say the words. The thought of taking out Aro seems as impossible as it is dangerous, but I don't see another way. He'll just keep coming.

At this point, it's me or him, and I have much more to fight for.

I can see the fear in the eyes of my friends and family and Victoria, but also the conviction. We'll really attempt this, even if we all burn for our efforts. It is thrilling and terrifying.

I plot separately in my head, unwilling to voice my plans with the rest of the group. Their heads are unsafe.

"Even so, if there are enough of us the threat of a fight might be enough for Aro to give this up," says my father.

Garrett, Emmett, and Jasper open their mouths to argue again, but Carlisle holds up a hand and the boys remain silent.

"Still, we'll gather as many of our friends as possible," he continues. "Emmett and Rosalie can track down Zafrina and Senna. Someone should get in contact with the Amazonian hybrids as well. They are difficult to find."

"We can handle it," says Rose. "Hullen likes me."

"And she hates Aro," Esme murmurs. "After they found out about Nessie he took Nahuel."

"Alice and I can find Peter and Charlotte," says Jasper.

"Irina, Kate, and I can swing through western Europe," says Tanya. "Talk to the Irish coven and the French nomads."

"Kate stays here with me," I say, surprising everyone. "I need to practice."

Carlisle nods in understanding, although pretty much everyone else looks confused.

"I need her gift," I explain with a shrug. No one forces me to elaborate but Kate looks at me dubiously.

"Eleazar and Carmen should talk to Randall," continues Carlisle. "Esme and I will handle Alistair. He's jumpy."

"What about Amun and Kebi?" Tanya asks. "Amun probably would never take such a risk, but it's worth asking, right?"

I wince and study my lap, overcome with guilt. Although I never personally met the Egyptian pair, Tanya and Carlisle always spoke of them fondly. Now they are ash and I'm responsible.

"They are gone. Amun turned a vampire with the ability to control the elements, earth, fire, that sort of thing. Aro collected him."

Everyone goes silent once more.

"And this is the newest member of the guard?" Irina asks, her voice small. "He can control _fire_?"

"Don't worry about Benjamin," I reply.

"Why not?"

I do not answer. Their minds are unsafe.

"What about me?" asks Garrett. "Everyone else has an assignment."

"Do you know anyone else you can ask for assistance?" asks Carlisle.

"No, sounds like you guys got the crazy ones pretty well covered," Garrett muses. "I don't know anyone else who would even consider signing up for something this deadly." He sounds as though he is thoroughly looking forward to it.

"Perhaps you could do some training with the wolves?" Carlisle says, turning to look at Jacob's battered form, sprawled out on the couch. "I don't mean to assume—"

"We've got some young ones that I'll try to talk into coming," Jake says. His words are met with the distant sounds of growling and he grins. "But yeah, a little bloodsucker training could probably do us good."

Garrett and Jake high five.

"I've got newborns," Victoria says suddenly. Everyone turns around to gape at her.

"Like an army?" Jasper asks with a hiss, absolutely seething.

"Is ten considered an army?" she asks.

"Ten!" Jazz shrieks. "Where?"

"Well nine and one who's a year or so," she corrects.

"When did you do this?" demands Edward.

Victoria just bats a hand dismissively in my husband's direction.

"James wanted to start up the wars in the south!" Edward shrieks, responding to her thoughts no doubt.

"What!" screams Jasper.

"Because he was bored!" says a horrified Edward.

"Where!" hisses Jasper. "Where are the newborns?"

"It's safe. Do not concern yourself. It's not like the Volturi are about to swoop down and punish me. They have other things on their minds currently," Victoria says, grinning.

"You can't bring them here, Victoria," Edward says. "You can't hope to control ten."

"And you can't force them to fight either," says Carlisle.

"They'll want to avenge their sire," says Victoria. "They'll stay where they are for now, but when we roll out, they are coming too."

"We'll talk about it later," Carlisle says before Jasper can blow up again. "For now we have our assignments. Let's go quickly. The longer this takes…"

He trails off and we all think of Nessie, locked away with Aro and Jane and the rest. My stomach turns over, but then I steady my resolve. I'll spend every waking moment with Kate if need be.

After another hour to get organized, everyone moves out. I try to hold on to the hope that we actually have a chance.

But we don't. Not really. Not without more help.

* * *

**So I'm hoping this feels Breaking Dawnish what with the planning and whatnot. I know a lot of you want the big showdown chapter, but I'm trying to make it feel like Breaking Dawn and there was a lot of planning chapters in that sucker so there you go.**

**Thanks for reading! See you soon.**


	26. Electric Feel

**So the reviews from last time were just awesome. You are just awesome. Thank you so much for sticking with me.**

**The next one is half way done, but my hands are just killing me. I'll do my best though. I'm really excited and nervous about it.**

**I hope you like this one.**

**Donna is the greatest beta in all the land.**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"Fuck," I mutter, rubbing my temples as Kate stares down at me. For the tenth time this morning, I end up on my back in the dirt.

"Enough!" says Edward with a growl. "You need a break, Bella."

"No," I reply, sitting up. I can't quite manage to open my eyes yet, but I hardly need a break.

"I don't know, Bells," Kate says with a sigh. "Edward is looking at me like he wants to rip off my arms. Are you sure you can even do this? Your gift already does so much defensive stuff. I'm not sure if you are capable of the offensive, too."

"Carlisle and Eleazar think different," I say, sticking a hand out. Edward pulls me to my feet and I cling to him for a moment until my legs stop shaking. "Okay, I'm good. Let's go again."

"Bella!" Edward reprimands.

"You don't need to be here," I remind my husband. "Don't make me send you away."

"If you push yourself too hard you'll be totally useless. Do you want to turn into a zombie again?" Edward snaps.

"Yeah, Bells. That was pretty freaky to see you so out of it," Kate agrees.

With a growl I lunge at her, grabbing her bare arms. The reaction is instinctual and immediate. As her skin sizzles with electric current, I extend the outer layer of my shield first, feeling the burn. I channel the feeling I got protecting the guard from Benjamin's fire, leaning into the power. It feels so dangerous, like it could swallow me whole, but I covet the rush, trying to gather the buzz of Kate's gift. I extend the second layer of my shield, leaving me completely vulnerable.

For one little moment I feel in control. Kate's eyes go wide as I start to absorb and redirect her current, but then I lose it and end up flying back from Kate, my bones crackling from the current.

I land hard and it knocks the breath from my chest for a moment.

Although I'm unable to open my eyes, I grin up at Kate and Edward. I feel them hovering over me.

"I'm getting closer," I manage, although my voice is croaky. It's not just the sting of Kate's gift that hurts me physically. My head feels like it's splitting in two. I'm very familiar with these headaches. They are the natural result of me pushing the limits of my gift.

"Take a break," Edward says, leaving no room for arguments. "I'm going to get you a meal."

And he disappears into the forest.

Sitting up on my elbows, I finally have the strength to open my eyes. The sunlight and the sparkle of Kate's skin do nothing to improve my headache.

"I'm getting closer."

"I don't think I like being your guinea pig," she mutters.

"Ten minutes ago you were loving the fact I'm finally letting you shock me," I point out.

"Yeah, well now it feels like you are trying to steal something from me. You're one scary vamp, Bella," she whispers.

I give her a maniacal smile. "Good."

* * *

After Edward delivers me a deer, I let him bring me inside the big house to take a break. We sit on the floor, Edward leaning against the couch and me leaning against Edward. My head rests against his shoulder, face tucked into his neck. He holds me like I'm about to disappear. He strokes away my headache with his thumb against my temple.

"Do you want to go pretend to sleep?" he whispers.

"I'm trying," I say, a slight whine in my voice. "I can't get my head to quiet. Nessie isn't here and I can't get my head to quiet."

I can feel Edward sigh. "We'll get her back, Bella," he whispers.

I would nod but my head hurts too much.

"Rest, Bella," he murmurs. "Nessie needs you to rest."

"Okay. Just don't stop massaging my temple."

He kisses said temple before continuing to gently rub his thumb against my head.

"I'm scared, Edward," I murmur.

"Me too."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

"So be honest, Bella." We're gathered in a tree, watching the sun go down and waiting for someone to return. They've only been gone two days and some have gone pretty damn far, but still I'm impatient. The waiting is unbearable and I've been working as hard as possible with Kate, but it's taking a toll on both my mind and my body. Kate's gift leaves me feeling jittery. Not surprising given the number of times she's electrocuted me in the last 48 hours.

Now we're perched in a tree, watching the sun go down, and waiting.

"About what?" I ask, laying my head on Edward's shoulder as I let my legs dangle.

"All these vamps Carlisle and Tanya are tracking down," Garrett continues. I glance over at him in the next tree. He can't manage to stop watching Kate. "What are the chances of them joining up this little suicide mission?"

"I really wish you would stop calling it that," I mutter. Nessie is involved. It can't be suicide. Edward and Jake don't know it yet, but their only priority when we meet up with the Volturi is getting Ness out.

Neither of them is going to like it, but that's just too fucking bad.

"Seriously," Garrett pushes. "Who's going to show?"

"The ones who really love Nessie," I murmur.

"So everyone," Garrett surmises. The way he says it makes me smile. As if there is no other possible feeling to have for my daughter.

"Eh, probably not," Kate says. "The French have only met Nessie once and she was a baby. I don't think they even experienced her gift."

"Fuck the French," Garrett says. Edward hums in agreement.

"Alistair's not going to show," I guess.

"No, he's always avoided the Volturi at all costs," Kate says.

"Pansy," mutters Garrett in that ridiculous British accent of his.

"They slaughtered his whole family in front of his eyes," I deadpan.

"All the more reason to fight!" Garrett yells, his voice seeming to reverberate through the mountains.

Edward plays with my hair and I breathe in the crisp air. This is my forest. It smells like my forest. Nessie loves it here, and I try to let the familiar scents clear my head. As soon as the throbbing pain in my head and bones abates I'll go back at it with Kate.

I hate the necessity of just sitting around, waiting, but my head hurts and the wolves have to eat and sleep, so here we are in this tree, waiting.

"You talked to your little Volturi buddy?" asks Garrett after a full four minutes of silence. It was a record for revolutionary vamp.

"Yes," I say with a sigh. Felix was out alone on a hunting party and he took advantage of the lack of superhuman hearing around to call me. "She's okay. They have her set up in a pretty comfortable room. She has Felix running around, bringing her books. According to Nessie, the worst part is boredom."

Some how Edward's little chuckle is the saddest noise I've ever heard.

"She told Felix that Aro's going to burn in hell," I whisper.

"Brave," murmurs Kate. "Given who's in hearing distance."

"That's my girl," whispers Edward.

"This sucks," declares Garrett.

We sit in silence once more as the sun goes down and then continue to sit in the dark for a while longer. All four of us pick up on the scent and hear the sound of feet on the moist forest floor. It's pretty comical, the way all our faces turn in the direction of the approaching vampires simultaneously.

"Alice and Jasper," says Edward with a slight smile.

"With Peter and Charlotte," I put in.

"Excellent. I've always been rather fond of Pete," says Garret, standing on his branch and then stepping off it. He lands lightly on his feet after the sixty-foot drop. "Am I going to be the only one to greet them at the house?" he calls up.

Kate rolls her eyes before making the jump. I kiss the corner of Edward's mouth and we join them.

* * *

I sit next to Alice at the base of a tree at the edge of a clearing in the forest, watching the wolves spar under the tutelage of Edward, Jasper, Kate, and Garrett.

Mostly I try to heal my head and worry about my sister. Since Nessie was taken, she's been almost totally silent. She just sits there with her face in her hands, trying to force a vision. Jazz and I both have tried to get her to relax many times in the last few days, but she doesn't listen. I'm concerned she's going to do some lasting damage.

I wonder if her head hurts like mine does.

Talking will probably do nothing to improve the situation so I just reach out, putting an arm around her shoulder. Her slight frame shakes as she rests her head against my neck. I gently run my fingers over her temple because that always makes me feel better, and Alice lets her hands fall to her lap.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she says. "I don't know what else to do."

"There's nothing else to do," I assure her. "Everyone in this family feels so guilty for letting this happen. You, me, Edward, Rose, Emmett, Jake," I list, my voice breaking. "But really, this was inevitable from the moment Aro found us. He's out of control and always gets what he wants and there is nothing we can do but fight it."

Alice nods into my neck and we go back to watching the wolves and the vampires tussle under the orders of Jasper and Garrett. Fifty years ago there was not enough trust between the wolves and the vampires for this sort of hands on training.

The Quileutes still don't trust most of the human eating vampires, but Garrett has been around long enough for most of the wolves to begrudgingly trust him too. His military experience, along with Jasper's, is invaluable.

As I watch the largest russet wolf pads to the edge of the forest and transforms into a man with a burst of energy. He's completely naked and he jogs a few feet to pull on a pair of shorts folded at a nearby tree.

Jake is still zipping up as he approaches Alice and I. He sits right next to me and I can feel the heat rolling off his huge body. I glance at him, but he just watches the wolves. He's already asked me if I've heard from Felix today, so there is really nothing else to say.

He doesn't age, but it seems like each day that we go without Nessie has taken at least five years of his life. Lines furrow his forehead and crinkle around his eyes. He hasn't smiled, but then again neither have I.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, to ease his fear, but there's nothing.

When we got back from Idaho I was pretty out of it, but Edward says Jake cried in my arms, sobbing apologies. I don't really remember it, but it sounds about right.

Despite my urge to talk to him now, he seems to just need silence and a break, but then he reaches for my hand, tentatively lacing his fingers through mine. I understand what he is trying to communicate perfectly. Our joined hands rest in the dirt between us.

We continue to watch in silence, Alice leaning against my neck, Jake's hand in mine.

* * *

"How is she?" I demand when Felix finally picks up.

"Fine, Bella," he says, obviously beyond annoyed with me. "The same as yesterday when you texted and the day before when you texted and three days ago when I actually managed to call."

"Details," I snap, my eyes following Edward as he paces around on the back deck. We've taken to staying at the big house as it gradually fills up. Being in the cabin without Vanessa is far too painful and the pain is distracting from my work with Kate.

"She's reading the _Lord of the Rings _trilogy," he supplies, sounding bored.

"And?"

"She hates Gianna's cooking."

"Gianna's cooking?" I scream, totally horrified. "That woman is the stupidest mortal I've ever encountered and she's responsible for sustaining my child?"

Edward pauses to chuckle before he remembers that the Volturi have our daughter and the pacing resumes.

"Would you rather we just drop off a human for her to skin her teeth into?" replies Felix dryly.

I just growl. "Take out, Felix," I say. "Take out."

"I don't even know what that is," he says.

"Oh, God," I mutter, trying to keep from sobbing.

"She's fine, Bella. Really, just bored. And you've got to stop harassing me. It's getting fucking suspicious. If I keep sneaking away to talk to you Aro's going to want to touch me and that's really going to fuck us both over," he snaps.

I go silent as I process his words. We haven't directly discussed my plans for rebellion, but Felix knows. He just seems to know and that is incredibly dangerous. Aro might not have much interest in touching a vampire with no gifts like Felix, but eventually he'll get suspicious.

Nessie was taken nine days ago and it feels like an eternity, but to a vampire, it's been no time at all. I'm sure Aro is not planning for any sort of solution to be reached for months.

And she's bored. That's the worst of it. She's alone and the food sucks and she's bored, but Felix assures me that Jane hasn't been anywhere near our daughter since the kidnapping.

"Okay," I whisper, feeling like it's the end of the world. "I'll stop calling and I'll stop texting."

"Good. I'll call you if anything changes or if I just happen to be on my own under Aro's orders, but that's it, Bella. You're going to get us both burned."

"Alright. Okay. Alright."

"You're a mess, Isabella."

"My daughter was kidnapped, asshole."

But then he's gone, disconnected.

Edward pulls me into his arms for a moment, and I let his presence comfort me.

"Let's go find Kate," I say, dragging him off into the woods.

* * *

After I fry my brain with Kate's skin for several hours, I lounge with my head in Edward's lap, pretending to sleep and listening to Kate and Garrett bicker.

"Should we give them some privacy?" Edward whispers in my ear.

I crack a smile as Kate tells Garrett that he could never really love her while he eats people for the thousandth time. The argument is so familiar it's almost soothing.

"We'll still be able to hear them from upstairs," I reply without opening my eyes.

"Yes, but there would be the illusion of privacy," Edward insists.

A chuckle dies in my throat when I catch the sound of feet running on the forest floor. I sit up as Kate and Garrett stop arguing. The four of us wander onto the back porch, joining Alice, Jasper, Peter, and Charlotte.

I breathe in deep.

"Senna and Zafrina," I say, grinning. "Excellent."

"You can try to commandeer her gift instead," muses Kate.

"Yeah, it'll give my bones a break," I reply. There's nothing I can do about the headaches, unfortunately.

"What does Zafrina do?" inquires my husband.

"She overrides the sense of sight," I explain. "She can make you see whatever she wants, some of it decidedly not pleasant. I've heard it can be pretty scary. She and Nessie are very close, given their gifts are so similar."

Everyone on the porch gets extremely melancholy. We watch as the pair from South America emerges from between the trees. Zafrina stops at the edge of the woods while Senna lingers just behind her sister.

Zafrina has such fire in her red eyes it's a little terrifying, but in the best way possible.

"They will be punished," she hisses. "Their pleas for mercy will fall on deaf ears just before I rip them to pieces."

The best part is I believe her.

"You go girl," says Garrett, impersonating a valley girl. He earns himself a hiss for his words.

"Who is this one?" Zafrina demands, gesturing towards Edward.

"Oh, I thought Rose and Emmett would explain," I mutter. "Zafrina, Senna, this is my Edward," I introduce. It is becoming common as more vampires join us. "He's Nessie's father."

This news is met with a blank stare.

"How is this possible?" Zafrina asks, cocking her head to the side.

"It's a long story, actually," I say, sharing a look with Edward. "Edward and I—"

"It matters not," Zafrina interrupts. "This story will not aid Nessie in any way. Now, you require my assistance, Bella Cullen?"

I blink at her, surprised that I'm even surprised by Zafrina's typical candor and Senna's typical silence. It only takes me a moment to recover.

"Right. Yes."

I give Zafrina the briefest possible explanation and we begin.

* * *

Others join us.

Siobhan, Liam, and Maggie arrive from Ireland on the heels of the South American duo. Maggie is special, but her gift is not one Aro would ever covet. She can instantly tell when someone is lying. Still, Maggie feels the injustice deeply. Siobhan goes where Maggie goes. Liam is wary, but devoted to Siobhan so they'll join us.

Irina and Tanya return a day later alone. Henri and Yvette, the French nomads, declined. I can't really blame them. Chances are many of us will not get out of this alive.

Or undead. Or whatever.

Carlisle and Esme come home alone. No one is surprised. Alistair has been running from Aro for centuries. On the same day, Eleazar and Carmen return without Randal and morale around the big house seems to bottom out.

Everyone gets so quiet, but it only strengthens my resolve to hone the offensive aspect of my gift. Progress is painfully slow, but I've managed to black out Zafrina's vision twice in the last two days so that's something.

Edward is never out of my sight. We are hunting together when we catch the unfamiliar scent and sound of two vampires approaching from the south. Their movements are impossibly coordinated. They move towards us through the woods in tandem, as if they share the same mind.

Edward and I immediately go on the defensive.

"Not Rose and Emmett," my husband whispers, dropping into a defensive crouch at my side. "They are the only ones not back yet. Do you know them? Are they Volturi?"

"No," I murmur as we track their movements. "And no."

They are on us now, swinging together off a branch and landing perfectly in sync thirty feet in front of us.

"Decidedly not—" the first one starts.

"Volturi," the second one finishes.

They are ancient, as old as the three if not older. I am far too familiar with their translucent, stretched skin. Their voices are accented, and although I cannot pinpoint their country of origin, they sound like they're straight out of a Count Dracula film.

"We heard he Volturi were moving against you," says Dracula number one with hair as pale as his skin.

"But you will not stand alone," finishes the dark-haired Dracula number two.

"Fuck," I mutter, straightening from my crouch in response to their relaxed posture. Closing my eyes, I rub my temples in a useless attempt to dispel my now constant headache. "How do you know? We are so fucked. Aro probably knows everything."

"Bella," Edward replies, still braced for an attack. "We've known from the beginning that Aro will be tracking our movements, having Dmitri keep tabs on us. He knows that we are gathering friends. This changes nothing."

I just sigh heavily, opening my eyes to observe the Dracula twins once more.

"We do not care what you did," continues number one, ignoring my little conversation with my husband.

"We have been waiting a millennium and a half for the Italian scum to be challenged," finishes number two.

I manage to open my eyes to blink at the odd pair in confusion for a moment.

"Who exactly are you?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest as I study the ridiculously stereotypical pair.

Still in unison, they scowl at me and huff in irritation.

"We are Vladimir," answers Drac one.

"And Stefan," concludes Drac two.

This statement is made with such flourish and they stare at us in anticipation, as if expecting us to know all about them based on their names. Edward and I share a look. I raise an eyebrow, silently asking if Edward has any idea who these two are. He just shrugs and we go back to staring at the Draculas.

"And?" I ask. Together they hiss at me this time.

"You know not of our rule?" demands Stefan.

"You think the Volturi were the first to hold the power?" asks Vladimir. "You may not know us, but we know of you."

"Oh, yes, Isabella Cullen," whispers Stefan, voice cold and sinister. "You of the untapped potential. You who Aro fears."

I raise an eyebrow at that. If Aro really was scared of me one would think he'd at least try not to horribly alienate me.

"Do you know Carlisle?" I ask, shaking off the sudden chill and the sharp pain in my head I feel in reaction to his words.

"Indeed," they reply together.

Grabbing Edward's hand, we silently turn and head towards the big house.

* * *

Carlisle isn't thrilled to see our companions, nor is he surprised. He fills those of us who do not know in on the ancient history of our kind, his tale supplemented by the Romanians who lived it. They ruled for centuries before the Volturi completely wiped out their coven, mates and all.

In return, Carlisle tells the Romanians of our current situation and a minimum of our plans.

They stand together by the fireplace, inclining their heads towards one another as they absorb all we've said.

"No matter the outcome," murmurs Vladimir, "word will spread. It's time our world saw the Volturi for what they've become. They'll never fall if everyone believes this nonsense about them protecting our way of life."

Despite their creepiness, I can't help but agree with this statement. They talk as though there are no other vampires in the world, let alone the room, but we all listen avidly.

"At least when we ruled, we were honest about what we were," Vladimir replied.

Stefan nodded. "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints."

Garrett snorts. We share a look, once more silently agreeing.

"I'm thinking the time has come to fight," Vladimir said. "How can you imagine we'll ever find a better force to stand with? Another chance this good?"

"Nothing is impossible. Maybe someday—"

"We've been waiting for fifteen centuries, Stefan. And they've only gotten stronger with the years." Vladimir pauses and looks at me again, showing no surprise to find me staring back blatantly. "If the Volturi win this conflict, they will leave with more power than they came with. With every conquest they add to their strengths. Think of what her unlocked potential can give them"—he jerks his chin toward me—"With their witch twins they have no need of the illusionist or the fire touch." His eyes move to Zafrina, then Kate. "But he would have them. Oh yes."

I'm a little stunned to hear that they appear to have devoted as much thought to the possibility of Aro's future acquisitions as I have. The consequence of failure could make Aro untouchable.

Stefan looks at Edward. "Nor is the mind reader exactly necessary. But I do see your point. Indeed, they will gain much if they win."

And now it is clear that the Romanians don't really know Aro. Not like I do. Edward has no chance, despite the convenience his gift would bring because his reemergence started all this, it changed me.

"More than we can afford to have them gain, wouldn't you agree?" continues Vladimir.

Stefan sighs. "I think I must agree. And that means… "

"That we must stand against them while there is still hope."

"If we can just cripple them, even, expose them . . ."

"Then, someday, others will finish the job."

"And our long vendetta will be repaid. At last."

They lock eyes for a moment and then murmur in unison. "It seems the only way."

"So we fight," Stefan says.

They are obviously torn, self-preservation warring with revenge, but the smile they exchange is full of anticipation.

"Fucking creeptastic," mutters Jake.

"Welcome to the party," I say with a rueful smile.

* * *

Rosalie and Emmett return a day after the Romanians. Hullen is with them. We stayed with her and the rest of the hybrids during Nessie's second year of life. She was so kind for us, but then the Volturi found out, taking away her nephew, the hybrid Nahuel. I've always felt so responsible for her sadness, but now all I see in her is a manic determination, a need for revenge.

Mary is with them also. She's a nomad that no one has heard from in decades. We all assumed the eccentric vamp was ash, but here she stands, joining us on our seemingly impossible mission for no apparent reason. Her unexpected presence lifts morale.

The gang's all here now. I want to leave immediately, to call Aro and have him come here, but we need a plan. We're sure to fail without a plan.

* * *

"The number one priority should be Dmitri," insists Tanya, gesturing to one of the many names written in Carlisle's neat hand on one of the whiteboards set up in the living room. All the vamps prepared to die for my daughter are crowded into the big house, participating in a strategy session.

This morning I called Aro. The Volturi should meet us at the clearing near the Canadian border within the week so there really isn't all that much time to develop a real strategy.

Edward, Garrett, Emmett, and I just want to march on over to Italy, fuck this waiting, and destroy things, but we're out voted and with good reason. Democratic process would have done nothing to stop me but Carlisle convinced me that not only do we need a plan, but with them coming to us we have a better chance of getting Nessie out before shit goes down.

Thus the plot to murder my friend, Dmitri, the tracker.

"He is fundamental to Aro's powerbase," continues Jasper.

"And totally under appreciated," I mutter. Dmitri is far too kind for Aro's tastes but also the only way Aro manages to locate his acquisitions.

It takes me a moment to realize that I'm getting a lot of funny looks. If it weren't for my obvious devotion to my daughter, many here might go as far to question my loyalties.

"Anyway," says Jasper, obviously irritated by my interruption. "We need to take out the tracker right away."

"Not only will this end Aro's ability to add to his collection, but it will allow Jake to keep her safe if the worst happens," says Carlisle, nodding at the nearly recuperated shape shifter.

"When we all are ash, you mean," mutters Irina.

"No one's keeping you here," snaps Rosalie. "Why don't you just go join your asshole boyfriend?"

"Enough," says Carlisle before a girl fight can break out. I'm grateful. We have to focus on our daughter. "We still need to figure out a way for Jake to get Nessie, but assuming that happens destroying Dmitri is an absolute necessity."

Everyone looks at the wolf that stands halfway out the open back door; as if he's ready to flee the bloodsuckers at any moment. Plus, he wants to be close so he can communicate with the wolf pack circling the house.

"So what then?" he asks, frowning. Again, it strikes me just how much this has aged him. "The rest of the pack just runs away with me?"

"It's not running away." I say, sighing heavily. Jake is extremely unhappy about leaving before the fight, but it was really not hard to convince him it's for Vanessa. Much to my chagrin, Edward will stay with me. We need all the fighters we can get to ensure Nessie has a shot of escaping. "You are getting my daughter out safely."

"The pack isn't going to be happy about running from a fight," Jacob insists, his voice so totally devoid of its usual joy. "These guys embody everything we hate, everything we stand against. They are going to want to fight."

"You have to go with Nessie!" I say, rushing across the room to get in his face. He hesitates for a beat too long so I shove him. Edward holds me back. "You have to stay with her!" I shriek, losing my mind for a moment.

If Edward and I don't make it, Vanessa will need Jake more than ever.

Jacob nods and I calm slightly.

"Take the younger ones, Jake," Carlisle suggests. "Have them go with you when you run Nessie to safety."

There is growling from the woods and the snapping of jaws, but Jacob agrees.

"Can we get back to this please?" Jasper says, pointing at his beloved whiteboard with a marker. "We don't even know how we're going to get to Vanessa to Jake at all!"

Everyone starts talking at once, apparently with their own brilliant plan to save my daughter. There is gesturing and so much noise. I stumble back to my spot on my couch, hanging my head between my knees and rubbing my temples.

Fuck, it hurts.

I've been pushing my gift and I miss my daughter so much and the pain in my head is so sharp all light and sound feels like a thousand tiny needles.

Even Edward's presence next to me does nothing to help.

Jasper is screaming for silence but no one listens until my phone rings. Everyone abruptly stops talking as a whole new kind of tension fills the room. The only people who ever call me are currently staring avidly at me, minus a few in Italy.

"Felix," I say as an answer.

"Can you meet me in New York tomorrow?" he asks without preamble.

"What?" I ask, totally confused. "How's Nessie? What happened?"

"She's fine," he says dismissively. "Bella, I don't have much time. Can you just answer the question?"

"Why would I meet you in New York? Why would you even be in New York?" I ask.

My head hurts and this confusion is not helping.

"Volturi business! It has nothing to do with all this," he screams. It makes me wince. "Fuck, Bella, this is serious. Just meet me. Trust me. You have to meet me."

"Okay," I say, making Edward growl. "New York. Tomorrow."

"Come alone. You have the only safe head."

* * *

It takes a whole lot more energy than my drained mind can take, but eventually I convince Edward to accompany me only as far as New Jersey. Well after midnight, I make my way into the city alone, going to the address Felix texted me.

My poor husband is probably still freaking out, convinced that I'm walking into a trap. I trust Felix, but when I get close I approach with extreme caution.

There is only three of them lingering in the alleyway, just where Felix said he'd be.

I recognize his familiar scent immediately, along with that of Dmitri's. The third takes me less than a second to identify and my steps falter for a moment as I'm consumed with a wave of guilt.

My head screams and I close my eyes, collecting myself for a moment before running the few blocks to my destination.

"Dmitri lied," Felix says the moment I step into the dark, dank alley. The meeting spot is a bit cliché given this is a clandestine meeting of the undead, but Felix can be a rather cliché sort of vampire so I suppose it works.

"How is my daughter?" I ask, ignoring his baffling statement. He groans, obviously frustrated, but I have to know.

"She is a very happy little girl," Dmitri says in that slow, deliberate voice of his. He doesn't speak often and I'm a little surprised to hear his deep voice in this moment. "I like her."

I blink at him. "Thank you," I finally manage, smiling despite the current situation. I really hope Dmitri's presence at this secret meeting means that he won't have to burn to ensure the safety of my daughter.

"She's fine," snaps Felix, pacing around in the dark, moving like the demon he is along the length of the alley. "She's hanging out a lot with the hybrid Aro keeps in the dungeon."

I feel Tia's eyes on me. Benjamin's mate absolutely radiates hatred, and I can't really blame her. I am responsible for the destruction of half her coven only a matter of months ago.

"Nahuel's still alive?" I muse, genuinely surprised. "Hullen will be thrilled. Who's keeping Jane from Nessie!" I shriek when I realize that my two closest allies are here with me rather than protecting my daughter.

"Jane's not in Italy currently," he says with a resigned sigh. "And I have Heidi watching Nessie."

I calm slightly. Heidi is blood thirsty, but we get along fine. She'll keep Vanessa safe.

"Can we focus here?" Felix demands, totally losing all composure. "If we don't pull this off, we'll all burn and your daughter is dead, Bella. Is that what you want? Stop fucking asking me how she is and focus on a fucking solution!"

He's really screaming by the end of his speech and I wince because he's right, but he really does need a clear head for this.

"Dmitri lied?" " I ask, forcing myself to do as he says and focus. It's extremely difficult when Tia looks at me like she's going to attack at any moment and I can smell my daughter on Felix's clothes.

Felix takes a deep breath and stops his pacing. "Three days ago Aro asked Dmitri to locate your coven, the Denali Coven, and the nomads Garrett, Peter, and Charlotte," he says sounding detached now.

My mouth pops open in shock. I assumed Aro started keeping tabs on my family and our friends the moment he took Nessie. Nearly all of our planning is predicated on the assumption that Aro knows we've amassed something like an army.

"Dmitri lied," continues Felix. "He told Aro that you and the Denali's are in Forks, Peter and Charlotte are in the Northeast, and Garrett is in Mexico."

I am shocked, stunned into speechlessness. I stare at the behemoth of a vampire who just stares at his feet. I've always liked Dmitri as much as possible given the situation. He's always seemed too sweet and too mild mannered for the Volturi. Also just a little bit too mentally slow to pull off something like this.

"I like your daughter," Dmitri repeats as an explanation. "And I like you too."

I continue to gape at him for a moment before lunging at him. Tia hisses, startled by my sudden movements, but I ignore her in favor for hugging the shit out of Dmitri. He is totally shocked, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides as I squeeze his massive middle. It doesn't seem like Dmitri understands simple affection and it makes me so sad.

"Thank you, Dmitri," I murmur. "Thank you."

When I pull away, Dmitri gives me a bashful grin, Felix rolls his eyes, obviously frustrated, and Tia looks as stunned as I was a moment ago.

I clear my throat, oddly choked up.

"He didn't touch you?" I ask Dmitri, getting back to business.

"No," answers Felix, speaking for Dmitri as per the usual. "He hasn't touched either of us in decades."

Aro's explained this to me before. Seeing every thought and every memory of those he's known the longest is apparently unbearable.

"He has not touched me," says Tia, speaking for the first time since I got here.

"Oh, he wouldn't," says Felix ruefully. We share a pointed look. "You don't have a gift. He isn't interested."

Aro really is such a bigoted asshole. He's always been a power hungry maniac, but during the course of this conversation I'm coming to believe he is seriously crazy and mentally not all there.

He didn't touch them?

He didn't think about the possibility that we would gather our friends until three days ago? How could such an evil mastermind overlook these things?

Tia isn't offended by Felix's assessment. She just smiles in a way that makes me think she is much more dangerous than Aro recognizes. "This is good I am thinking. I spend much time wanting him on fire. We do this soon, yes?" She turns to me with her final question and I can't do anything but nod dumbly. She says it so simply and with absolutely no fear.

I see why Felix included this indentured servant to the Volturi. We can't tell Benjamin but Tia will have him with us when the right moment comes.

Felix groans and sinks into a crouch, rocking on the balls of his feet. "Oh we're fucked," he chants in time with the rocking. "We are so fucked. We're done. We're ash."

"Felix!" I scream, totally annoyed by his little break down.

"Let's just go back to Italy and pretend this never happened," he mutters to himself.

I'm on Felix in a second, yanking him to his feet and slapping his face so hard his cheek cracks. I only feel a little guilty.

Felix has been with the Volturi the longest. Aro is untouchable and eternal to Felix. For centuries he's been conditioned to blindly follow Aro and his brothers. This is huge for him, and totally terrifying, but also a long time coming. Felix has been moving towards this moment of revolt since Aro took Jane.

Felix glares at me as he rubs his cheek, but the panic is gone now.

"You're fucked either way," I say, my voice cold and hard. "He might not touch you for a hundred more years, but if he ever finds out you even thought about this he would fry you on the spot. We're in too deep. There is no other option now."

He nods. "Just hearing it out loud freaked me out for a minute."

I take over pacing where Felix left off.

"He's slipping," I finally decide. Aro has a reputation for being unbeatable, wickedly intelligent, power hungry, and ruthless. None who have gone against him walk away with their heads, with the exception of Vladimir and Stefan, but now it seems all the success has gone to _his_ head.

"In two thousand years no one has really been a threat," I muse, marveling at my own revelation. "Now he believes his own myth. Aro truly believes in his own power. He thinks no one can beat him. He thinks that he is all-powerful. I mean, he didn't fucking touch you! He trusts you both, trusts in his power over you, despite seeing our friendship."

"Wow," murmurs Felix.

"It's made him complacent," I say. "He trusts in his power over the guard and the power of the guard over us. He thinks he can control all vampires and that's going to be his downfall!"

As I speak hope blooms in my chest. Nothing is as terrifying as this newfound hope that my family will survive this. That all of us will survive this.

As I speak Tia's eyes seem to light up and Dmitri cracks his knuckles.

As I speak the grin on Felix's face gets wider and wider.

"So what's the plan, General Bella?" he asks.

Unable to contain my own grin, I lay the whole thing out.

* * *

**All the vamps hanging out in Forks is like my very favorite part of BD. And some of the Romanian's dialog is right out of the book/movie because they were such delightfully creepy characters.**

**Thanks for reading. Until next time.**


	27. Ashes to Ashes

**Okay, here we go. The big one. i am crazy nervous, so reviews would be much appreciated.**

**I have the best readers of all time. And the best beta too. Thanks Donna.**

**I own nothing Twilight.**

* * *

Thirty-six vampires and seven wolves move briskly through my forest at daybreak. We are silent and dispersed over about a mile stretch. There is no need to run, but all of us are far too antsy to move any slower.

The throbbing in my head matches my silent footsteps and despite Edward's hand in mine, I can't seem to really feel anything other than the pain in my head and fear for my daughter in my heart. Still, Edward and I move as one being towards the clearing. I can't see any of our allies, but I sense them.

Garrett and Kate are the closest. In the last few days they've ceased their bickering, rarely leaving the other's side.

Jasper, Peter, and Emmett stay near Victoria and her mini newborn army, followed closely by their mates. Carlisle clearly explained the situation, gave the young ones the choice. He was surprised when they agreed to join us. The oldest, Riley, explained that they don't have anywhere else to go.

The Amazonians and Hullen swing through the canopy above our heads, more comfortable travelling through the trees than moving on foot.

The rest are near, moving just as efficiently and quietly while the wolves run ahead.

It is not long before we are emerging from the forest, gathering near the edge of the trees. The clearing is large and flat, resting in a valley between several jagged peaks. We know this land and it is an unbelievable advantage, one Aro has no problem handing over. It's just further proof that he's lost his edge and quite possibly his sanity as well.

No words are necessary as we take our positions. With my family in the center, the rest of the vampires fan out around us in a wide semi circle with the wolves flanking both sides of the arch.

I am in the very middle, standing slightly ahead of Carlisle and Edward on my either side. My husband's grip becomes so tight it is painful, but it is nothing compared to the sensation radiating from my skull.

Jake approaches me, pushing his giant wolf head into my shoulder. I scratch his ears, trying to ignore the fear readily apparent in his yellow eyes.

With a sigh I remove my fingers from his thick russet fur.

"Here," I say, pulling a pouch out of my pocket. The wolf in front of me cocks his head to the side. I've waited for the last possible moment for this, anticipating an argument from Jake. "It's passports for you and Vanessa. If this doesn't go well, you'll be William and Elizabeth Wolfe. There are credit cards in your new name, money, a list of safe houses and keys to the property. I'm the only one who knows so you should be safe. There are plane tickets too."

Jacob let's out a whimper, pushing his head into my shoulder again.

"Just in case," I murmur, reaching around him to attach the pouch to his neck with a great big collar.

He pulls away a moment later, giving me a final pleading look.

"Go," I say. "Everything will work out."

And he disappears into the woods, assuming the agreed upon position. Edward laces his fingers through mine again and there is nothing left to do but wait.

* * *

"They are in range," Edward murmurs, saying what we all already know. We sense their approach immediately. I quickly take stock, noting without surprise that the three are accompanied by the entire guard.

Edward let's out a snort and a ripple of surprise runs through our line as heads snap to stare at my husband.

"Aro is a fool," he says, continuing to talk quietly so only our group can hear. "Although he is mildly shocked by our numbers, he isn't even remotely concerned. You were right, Bella. He is blinded by his own power. We are not perceived as a threat."

The vampires surrounding me mutter to each other.

"Does he suspect Dmitri?" I ask. This is one real flaw in my plan. If he suspects Dmitri lied then he'll start touching everyone and we'll be totally fucked.

And Nessie…

"No," replies Edward, squinting his eyes as he focuses on Aro's thoughts. "He assumes that you've been blocking Dmitri, like you protect us now."

I nod, relieved that this gamble of mine paid off. In reaction to Edward's words I pull my shield a little tighter around the contours of my many allies.

"The newborns make him angry," continues Edward.

"Let him be angry," snaps Victoria, surrounded by her own personal mini army.

I was told their names. I shook their hands and told them about my daughter, told them about Aro, but when I close my eyes I can't even picture their faces. The strain of doing so now proves far too painful.

All my focus is on my shield and the plan.

"But the rest," says Edward as the others listen with rapt attention. "They are afraid." He takes a deep breath. "One doesn't need to be a mind reader to know that. They reek of fear."

A somewhat maniacal smile stretches across my face. "Good," I whisper.

Edward keeps up a running commentary until they get close enough for us to hear the leaves crunch under their boots.

They materialize at the edge of the grassy green clearing in a familiar formation. The first two rows are minions who mean little to the three. They are there to form a wall of bodies between threats and the brothers.

I have to stifle a growl in my throat when I see the gaping hole besides Aro. It is my typical position just to his right; they place where he thinks I will be returning in a few moments time.

Let him think it.

Nessie comes next, walking between Felix and Dmitri. And she looks fine, totally beautiful and unharmed. I drink her in, knowing full well that this will likely be my last moments to see her at all.

Although I expected her to be utterly distraught, the determination and strength on her face makes me proud.

I take a step in her direction, forgetting all plans for one crazy little second. I'm overcome with the need to see her, to wrap her up in my arms and keep her safe.

But rushing across the grassy clearing will do nothing to ensure her safety: Quite the opposite really.

The first two lines of vampires make way for Felix and Dmitri who escort my daughter to the front of the Volturi, clearly visible.

I forget myself and take another step but this time Edward keeps me still and beside him. Aro chortles, wanting to tempt me into rushing towards my daughter no doubt.

"Hi, Mom," Nessie calls out, speaking loudly to ensure we can hear across the distance. "Hi, Dad. I'm okay."

Edward squeezes my hand even harder.

"Hi, honey," I manage, my voice breaking.

"Oh, Vanessa," says Edward.

With wide eyes Nessie looks at each vampire standing with us. She gives them each a grateful smile and continues to search, for Jake, no doubt.

"Well, this is quite the welcoming party you've assembled, Isabella." Aro's shrill, high voice pierces the quiet of the clearing. It makes my skin crawl. Now I'm the one squeezing Edward's hand with unreasonable strength. "Do you not trust me to fulfill our bargain, my dear?"

A low grow builds in Edward's chest, a reaction to the endearment, no doubt.

"They are simply here to see that you keep your word," I reply. "No different than what you've done with the guard I'm sure."

"Ah, very true. My dear Isabella," he croons. "When we return to Italy we will need to work on rebuilding the trust you've broken between us. Do not fear. We have all the time in the world."

"What?" shrieks Nessie. "She's not going with _you_!"

Aro sighs heavily, obviously exasperated with my daughter. "She talks incessantly," he says with a groan, bringing his hands to his head to rub his temples with flourish. "Very unlike you, Isabella. Makes me wonder where she get's it."

He turns his bright red gaze on my husband now, giving Edward a wide smile that stretches his thin skin and makes him look even more threatening. I push myself into Edward's side, feeling the tension is his frame without ever taking my eyes off the leader of the three.

This is part of the plan, Aro's typical ranting. No one will move until he's had his words. I won't let him affect me, but it will be torture for Edward.

"The ever mysterious, Edward, I presume," says Aro, continuing to smile menacingly. "Even now you read my mind, yes?"

Aro's eyes light up as Edward drops into a crouch at my side, letting out a feral hiss. Emmett rushes forward, locking his limbs around my husband's chest. I grip both his hands in mine, but continue to stare at Aro.

I can't comfort my husband now, but I know very well what Aro must be showing him. If there was anything I could do to spare him this, I would, but unfortunately my gift just does not work that way. No gift can penetrate my shield, but the same can't be said for thoughts.

"Yes," Aro crackles, actually clapping in his delight now. "Oh, yes, my esteemed Mr. Masen. We have so very much in common. Is that not right, _Isabella_?"

Once more my skin crawls at his lascivious tone.

"Care to focus, Aro?" I say, doing my best to sound completely unbothered. "Frankly, I'm surprised at your delay. You want me back in Italy as quickly as possible, isn't that right?"

Aro studies me now. "What is the rush, my dear?" he asks.

"We both know I'll do anything to keep my daughter safe. So let me do it. I want her out of here," I say.

"Very well, Isabella," he says, sighing like a petulant child. "As a show of good faith I really must insist you deliver yourself to me before I can allow Vanessa to be returned to the loving embrace of her _father_." He spits out this last word as if disgusted.

"Very well," I say, nodding at Aro before turning to my husband.

Emmett takes a step back, letting me wrap my arms around Edward. I look up at my husband's golden eyes, so similar to my own.

_Make it look real, _I silently plead with him.

When I give him a goodbye kiss, he does his very best and when I pull away, the hesitation I feel when he finally lets go, it is real.

Despite the torment it causes, I extend the second layer of my shield to let him hear my thoughts.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

"Charming," says Aro as I stalk across the clearing with deliberate steps. I can feel the tension radiating off my allies as I take my place at Aro's side. Smiling his horrible, twisted smile, he reaches out to run a boney finger across my jaw, continuing down my neck.

I fail to suppress a shiver. At this point it doesn't really matter, I suppose.

Edward comes into the middle of the clearing. "My daughter, Aro," he says.

The leader of the three turns his head to gaze at my daughter before turning to Benjamin.

I back away slowly.

"Burn him," says Aro. It is so stupid and so shockingly predictable that I thoroughly believe my own theories regarding the ancient one's sanity.

"No!" Nessie screams, struggling to get away from my two Volturi friends.

He's seen what I can do. He _knows_ what I can do yet he is so deluded by his own greatness to think I'll stand passively and allow my husband to burn. Aro is so completely devoid of humanity that he dismisses connections even as powerful as the bond between mates as inconsequential.

Several subtle, seemingly small interactions occur in the milliseconds after Aro gives his order.

Marcus opens his mouth as if to warn his delusional brother of the consequences of this decision. The silent member of the three glances at me and then brings his lips firmly back together once more.

Felix pulls my daughter into his arms, seemingly to combat her struggles. Dmitri takes a step close to the pair.

Benjamin shares a panicked look with Tia. She gives me a significant look, then Edward, before nodding at her mate. I feel the crackle of heat as Benjamin gathers the fire produced by the device held by Caius.

I pull my shield a little tighter around my many allies, but focus on Edward. He's the only one in immediate danger.

Fuck, it hurts. I want nothing more than to curl into a ball on the soft, green grass, but I stand strong, continuing to back away slowly. I'm thoroughly surrounded here, but we have surprise on our side.

I will be okay. At least until Nessie is safe, I have to be okay.

Plumes of swirling flame gather between Benjamin's outstretched hands and he gives me a final, pleading look, begging me to understand and forgive him. I nod encouragingly, obviously confusing him for a moment before he seems to realize that there are other plans at work here.

He shoots flame at my husband and I can feel out allies on the far side of the icy field tense in anticipation. The flames billow uselessly, stopping feet from Edward against my invisible barrier. I lean into the heat, wanting its power. I _crave_ it. The temptation to blindly absorb the power and heat from Benjamin calls to me, but for now I must concentrate on protection. My family needs me to keep them safe before I can attempt to bring hell to our enemies.

If I'm even capable of this sort of thing. It's a long shot.

Shocked, mindless minions don't even make a move to stop me as I wind through them, aiming for the slight incline at the edge of the clearing that is currently unoccupied.

In anticipation of Aro's next move in reaction to the protection I continue to provide Edward, Felix and I share a glance. There is such fear in his eyes for a moment I think I was wrong to put such trust in Felix and Dmitri with my daughter. So many hard decisions had to be made, and I agonized over this one in particular but they are Vanessa's best shot.

For one excruciating moment I think Felix is going to turn on me and hurt Vanessa, but Dmitri puts a comforting hand on Felix's shoulder and my friend actually gives me a bloodthirsty smile.

"Oh, Isabella," says Aro with an annoyed sigh. "Stop pouting and remove your shield."

"No," I reply.

"Very well," continues Aro, his voice cold and low. "Dmitri, please deliver to me young Vanessa's right hand. Kindly remove it from her body first."

My daughter's sharp little intake of breath breaks my heart.

From there everything seems to happen at once.

My family and friends charge across the clearing in a coordinated effort, each with a specific target in mind.

Aro is so far removed from reality that his first order in response to the coming attack is actually directed towards me, demanding I protect the guard from the coming assault of my family.

As they move, I'm hit with a wave of pain so severe my knees threaten to buckle.

Felix takes off, following the sounds of Jake's howling in the woods to our right. Dmitri flanks him, beating off the uncoordinated efforts of various members of the guard who attempt to get my daughter back under their control.

I move out of the way, scrambling back up a slight incline to put distance between the battle and myself. The intensity of pain in my head has me stumbling, but I'm back on my feet right away.

Physically I cannot engage in this fight. All my energy goes to my shield.

Tia whispers frantically in Benjamin's ear, explaining our new alliance no doubt. He immediately stops trying to fry my husband, but I'm now in control of the flame. It almost extinguishes but I'm able to maintain a spark even as I focus on protecting out rebellion.

If they were smart they would take me out in the seconds it takes for my family to reach me, but total chaos ensures. Aro's nonsensical orders are ignored in favor of self-defense.

I render Jane and Alec, as well as the others, totally useless. The Volturi are slow to react in their shock. Never in the history of the three has such an attack threatened the guard. Although they outnumber us, without their typical powers they flounder against our attack. Few members of the guard are experienced in hand to hand combat. They flee from the wolves, trying to engage the members of our rebellion they perceive as weak as Aro calmly gives orders that are not executed.

I continue to stand off to the side, removed from the battle as Edward fights, putting his body between the Volturi and me. Three wolves flank him, along with Victoria and her little band of newbies.

Two of them get instantly torn apart.

If I could physically rip into the guard and protect my allies at the same time, I would but I lack the concentration to do anything but project my shield and maintain the spark. As our rebellion disperses to take on the guard, it becomes more difficult to keep my shield tightly wrapped around each of them, but I manage.

A serious of familiar, specific howls to my right indicates that Nessie is safe with Jacob as he runs her far from the battle.

For now.

Felix and Dmitri rejoin the chaos. I wrap them in my shield like a second skin.

My shield stretches around the forty or so beings; my head feels like it is on the verge of disengaging into total mush. It feels as though the strain of my shield is going to cause my very skull to explode.

I'm familiar with the headaches caused by pushing my gift, but nothing prepared me for the intensity of this.

My limbs quake. My body sways. My vision blurs, but still I don't let my protection snap back into place around my own mind. They need me. My daughter needs me. Everyone I love is depending on what I can do.

What I'm attempting now feels too big to be contained by the prison of my brain.

I lose track of the battle around me as I close my eyes. My shield stays close to each individual ally through sense alone. Biting through the side of my cheek to keep myself from crying out, I focus all my energies on controlling the pain, on maintaining my gift.

And then something happens and the pain is gone. I am freed of the burden of feeling and when I regain my sight, I don't see out of my own eyes. I don't have access to my own eyes anymore. Now I'm able to see everything. The dispersed surface of my shield becomes my eyes.

I slip into an almost meditative state and I feel nothing. Even as I maintain a constantly moving shield and the little spark from Benjamin's gift, I feel nothing. No pain. No emotion.

My mind shifts and I am no longer in my own head. I become something removed from my body and wrapped around them like a second skin. I am nothingness yet I am everywhere, surrounding those once labeled friend.

I am body no longer. It hurt in there, but out here I'm free. There is enough room to expand, to protect those who need protection with ease. I am fluid and malleable and invisible, energy only.

I am my shield.

I forget all names. I have no emotions. I am nothingness. I am a shield.

But I am more than just a shield. I am the mystical energy that blocks other mystical energies, but also the energy that _steals_ mystical energies.

I observe everything all at once as time loses meaning. The movements of those around me slow way down as I categorize the beings in the clearing as good or bad, without really understanding what these labels mean outside the context of who to protect and who to burn.

Although some part of this new version of myself remembers what it is like to care for those I've deemed good and to hate the ones who are bad, I don't feel anything now, not like I once did.

But still I see it all as I pull myself tight over the surface of their skins.

There is one who fights with such fierceness, but is unwilling to stray far from the body that was once my prison.

That body. Something unrecognizable tethers me to the physical frame that stands like an unseeing statue. Something lingers there, something wicked and power hungry.

It takes me no time at all to understand what was left behind.

All that remains in the shell of my former body is the demon, the one I could never really find that plagues all immortals. It never craved blood, but now it seems to stretch and awaken, filling up the empty spaces I left behind when I became the shield.

It wants something now. Not blood, but something much more enticing.

Edward.

He is called Edward, I remember now.

Edward, the vampire my physical form loved, keeps himself positioned between the body I've given over to the demon and the enemies. He fights next to the one called Victoria. I consider removing my protection from this raging redhead as she commands a small legion of untrained fighters, but for the purposes of this moment she will continue to be labeled good and I will keep myself wrapped around her, protecting her from the powerful and bad beings that need to burn.

I take stock in the rest of vampires known as my family and friends. These words no longer have meaning, but that is what they are. Some how I retain this knowledge.

They fight in mated pairs, some alongside the great beast with fangs and claws. Wolves. They are known as wolves. I protect them too.

One named Emmett loses his arm. This is the second time but I do not recall how I know this. His mate, Rosalie is her name, lets out a feral growl before launching herself at the vampire responsible. This one's name I do not recall but in another time, in another life, I protected this one clothed all in black.

Three members of the guard pull apart the one called Irina and I rescind my protection from her useless pieces, feeling only nothingness. I crave something ill defined as I maintain the spark. The answer is in the spark and the demon left in what was once my body stirs with anticipation.

Even as I move around all those deemed good in the clearing, I watch through the eyes of the demon as the vampire named Jane shoves random beings, both good and bad, out of her way as she approaches the motionless frame that once contained my essence, more prison than anything else really.

The demon I left there has not quite figured out how to go about moving the limbs yet, it has lay dormant for so long.

There is such hate in her gaze that never strays from my former body. It stares right back at her.

And then it happens. The thing I've been craving. The thing that dispels the nothingness has the demon in my former prison crooning with pleasure.

Jane of the Volturi stops ten feet from the body of the one once known as Bella, and I can see her gift, a sort of red mist that leaves her eyes and gathers in front of her face before turning into dangerously sharp spikes of energy, aimed in the direction of the demon who does not know how to control the limbs of the thing that was once my body.

The red spikes of energy move faster than anything in the clearing but it is no problem for the disembodied being I am now to redirect the spears of pain, pushing them back to where they originated, back through Jane's equally red eyes.

Her piercing shriek rises above the sounds of marble bodies colliding and the growls of wolves.

The demon I left in the body learns how to smile.

I control her gift and I want more. My dispersed shield pulses with new power as the demon revels in the feeling. Every part of this new form wants more, _craves_ more.

Here it is. The thing I lust for: Power rather than blood.

The nothingness is replaced with pleasure and need as I recognize the power I hold over this equally powerful creature.

I control her gift and I want more.

The creature I once was – weak, reeking with humanity – never lusted for blood like the rest of my kind, but the being I am now absolutely lusts for this power I have over the powerful.

The demon crackles, sounding its agreement. It has no interest in blood but oh, how it thirsts for power, demands more of this glorious power. For so many years I was the protector, the shield, but this is what the demon wanted all along.

As I continue to drive pain into Jane's mind, the one called Felix approaches. He glances between Jane, screaming, crumpled on the ground, and the demon who only knows how to smile, motionless in the prison that was once my body.

For a moment I remember his history and prepare to use Jane's gift on this vampire labeled good, but he makes no move to attack my prone and frozen demon. Instead he drops to his knees, cradling Jane's face in between his palms. He makes soothing noises as she stares up at him in confusion, whimpering due to my continued assault on her mind. I feel nothing but pleasure as Felix gently kisses Jane's forehead. Even through her pain, her eyes go wide with shock. The one labeled friend then moves to kiss her again, first on the lips but then on the neck, before sinking his teeth into her jugular and clearly removing her head from her shoulders.

There is no more power and the demon who now lives in my body learns how to growl in rage.

"Are you going to just stand there all day?" Felix asks the demon. "You're missing the action."

The demon smiles and growls at him. He gives it a strange look before rushing back to the heart of the battle. I press my energy around his form, even as the demon calls for his destruction because he took away the pain and the power of Jane's gift.

The ones deemed good are prevailing, but providing simple protection and maintaining the spark enrages and bores the demon. The call for power is too great, and I seek to satisfy it.

Once more I loose track of the battle in favor of focusing on the gifts of those in the clearing.

To soothe the need, I steal the blackness of the one called Alec and use it to blind him. The fear rolls off him in potent waves as I steal his sight, but all too soon the feeling disappears as the Irish rip him apart.

A growl reverberates through my former body at the loss of his gift.

I take the gift of the one called Jasper next and use his emotional manipulation to make him feel invincible and angry. He turns three to ash before this too bores the demon.

We both want something bigger, something more consuming and much more dangerous.

Benjamin the earthmover crushes a section of the Volturi with huge chunks of rock. I remember the fire.

He will do.

I want that power and remember the spark. With great ease I expand the flame, totally engulfing the one who fights Edward. He seems so desperate to protect the body, but something removed from the demon and the energy I've become cries out for the protection of this one lowly being.

A shiver of pleasure runs through the demon who learns to moan with pleasure as it revels in the scream of the vampire that I continue to burn until there is nothing left but ash.

The one known as Edward looks at my body with wide, terrified eye and something far removed from my current state as the embodiment of my shield protests, but I push it back into the depths of my subconscious, focusing only on the need for power.

The need for more of Benjamin's truly glorious gift demands all the attention of every part of me, demon and all.

The fighting is now concentrated in the center of the clearing as small bonfires continue to burn the remains of the fallen, both good and bad. The remaining members of the Volturi, the ones labeled evil, form a protective circle around the three and the one known as Chelsea who has her palm pushed into Aro's back.

Leaving Benjamin be for a moment, I attempt to absorb the gift of my fellow shield, but it is physical rather than mental, and beyond my reach.

The demon learns how to hiss, irritated by the one who is able to best me.

The rebellion now out numbers the Volturi, and Aro is talking, offering a truce to the one known as Carlisle. The supposed most powerful vampire in the world speaks with great confidence, but the demon can taste his panic and desperation.

The one named Garrett calls for their death. I can feel Carlisle's hesitation and lose interest in the interaction so I give into the call of the demon.

Needing more, I push the part of me that protects the earthmover closer, forcing myself into his body. I search through Benjamin's veins for the source of his power, vibrating from the thrill of this act alone.

I will have the very essence of him.

My exploration stops at the lifeless, unbeating heart. I can see his deep connection to the earth as a glowing gold light as opposed to Jane's red mist and Alec's suffocating blackness, and I absorb it, causing the entirety of my being to quiver with pleasure.

The demon moans and learns how to close its eyes.

After taking what I need from the earthmover, I unleash a firestorm on those known as the Volturi – those deemed evil, whatever this even means – who form a protective circle around the three. For reasons beyond comprehension, I spare one hear or there, but most writhe and scream as I engulf them in swirling, billowing flame.

The demon needs to be closer and it learns how to move the limbs of my former prison, slowly walking towards the heat and power. Wind whips at the hair attached to my former body and the ones labeled good stumble back, cowering in the face of my power.

The one called Tia drags away the convulsing form of Benjamin who has no more power for me to steal, and all the eyes of those who do not burn fixate on the demon who stands at the edge of the swirling flame, smiling and letting out the occasional moan as the power surges through us.

Three vampires hold back the one called Edward. Something inside me screams out for his protection, but it is ignored.

The allies gape at my former body with awe and horror. Foolish weak beings, they do not understand that I am among them, wrapped around their hard, dead bodies like a second skin, capable of penetrating their very bones and taking what I want if I so choose.

The heat from my fire seems to bubble the skin on my former body, but I do not let up my assault on the sixteen enemy vampires until the screaming stops.

Removing my protection from the ones who are good, I concentrate all my energy in the form of a ball of fire that burns in the air, circling the three remaining Volturi and Chelsea. They are surrounded by a circle of ash and the occasional body part that continues to crackle in flame.

Aro watches the body, watches the fire.

The demon slowly walks the path of ashes, matching pace to the fireball that hovers on the opposite side of the circle.

All of my dispersed energy wraps around the leader of the three. His gift manifests in his every pore, tiny dark green dots of light that I absorb right off his flesh. Turning his power inward, I shuffle through his thoughts and memories.

He thinks about his mate, here at the end. Six hundred year ago, she stepped out into the sun in front of a crowd of mortals and the entire guard, coveting the end to her unlife. Aro made Caius do it, something he regrets here at the end. He forbade Marcus from discussing the bonds between vampires the silent brother sees with his gift. Fifty years later, Aro incinerated the mate of Marcus, too, because seeing them together hurt. Here at the end, he regrets this, just as he regrets meeting the vampire I once was.

This he regrets above all. He regrets ever meeting me.

He knows I am the one responsible for his ultimate destruction. That's what the demon craves – Aro understands that my power is far superior to his, that his actions pushed us all here.

Oh, he knows.

He thinks about our every interaction in the last sixty years and regrets all of it, every touch, every mission, every word spoken.

The demon revels in his fear and regret and desperation. The demon wants to feel this as long as possible, but then Felix and Dmitri dismember Chelsea and Edward beheads Aro.

Just like that, I lose the gift of the most powerful vampire to ever walk the earth. The demon rages at the loss of this, and my body hisses and snaps, ready to lunge at the one known as Edward. The one who made the feeling stop.

As Edward turns to stare at my body in horror, spitting out useless words that I no longer am capable of understanding, Caius jumps at the vampire that cut my time with Aro's power short. The most sinister member of the three is getting in the way and has no unique power, so I push the swirling ball of fire into his chest.

The demon in my former body crackles with joy at the sight and feel of burning him from the inside out.

Edward leaps away from the spitting flame, as do the others. I lose interest in the howls of the ancient one, turning my attention once more to Edward as he approaches my former body.

This strangely compelling vampire focuses on reading the mind of the demon that resides in my former body. There is no shield protecting the demon's mind now, and he can clearly hear every thought and need. His words turn panicked when it becomes clear just what resides in there. He glances around desperately, searching out the one that once was his mate.

The demon smiles at him and learns to laugh.

As he continues to spout panicked words and clutch the demon's face between his hands, I focus on the twinkling green light that radiates around him. His gift is constant and he is unable to control it, but I can.

And I will.

Absorbing his power, I feel the rush as I turn it back on him, fully intending to burn him when I'm done.

I'll burn them all, burn it all, just because I can. I need the fire.

As I use Edward's gift, the divine power rush is quickly interrupted by a reassurance of that terrifying thing that is so close to humanity. Before I was able to bury it so quickly and effectively in favor of the demon but now it hums within me, demanding a say.

The fear and shock radiating from his mind and the minds of the others seem to penetrate me. The buzzing of their endless feelings and thoughts is the first real threat I've experienced in this powerful state.

Both the demon and the energy I am now reels, conflicted as we try to simultaneously reject the mind reading and further maintain the power of this vampire. The demon calls for his ash, but something buried deep protests so violently, all part of my consciousness seems to freeze completely.

The useless thoughts of the others are drowned out as I focus only on the panicked thoughts of the one known as Edward. He wants to know what's happened to the one he loves, why there is only a demon lurking in her shell. He wants to know why the demon is unable to do anything but crackle and smile and growl. He wants to know where his mate has gone. He loves his mate.

Some part of me vaguely recalls what it's like to love, but the emotion now angers the demon who calls for nothing but power. The moment I can manage to drown out these thoughts I'll burn him.

Perhaps I will burn the prison that was once my body as well. The demon who resides there holds too much power over my enlightened form. It does nothing but limit my potential for power and sway my decision-making.

The tenor of his thoughts changes now. He pleads to a fanciful human deity to bring back the pathetic version of the mate he once knew. Out here in the ether, I struggle against the assault of his memories, images, and desires that once more resonate with the humanity that won't stay silent any longer.

I'll burn the body. That will destroy the humanity forever more.

Through his mind I remember what it was once like to be undead but in love, to simply exist but feel alive through the connections to my family, but one unique being in particular.

An image of a familiar and foreign little girl is firmly in his head. Her place in his thoughts and memories has my control slipping and the demon cowering. Something happens. My presence as energy in the clearing seems to vibrate as I struggle to stay in this state.

Everything shakes.

The one called Edward fears for the demon-infested body anew as it shakes too.

With the little girl's smiling face permeating every nook and cranny of my dispersed consciousness, I am wracked with a jarring crack and suddenly snapped back into physical form, confined to one painfully small mind.

Once more I am restricted to the prison of this tiny head, battling with the demon for space and control. I've never really noticed it in here with me before, but now that it's tasted a little sliver of the wide world it crowds me, the pain unbearable. It sears my every vein and bone.

Rather than seeing everything all at once in an enlightened state, I see through the eyes of this painfully tight body, see _him_.

The one who's ruined everything.

Fuck, how it hurts in here. How it burns. The pain is unimaginable. Indescribable, what being set aflame must feel like.

This body is crowded and weak and the pain is so sharp, everything else loses meaning.

A piercing scream fills the otherwise eerily silent clearing and it comes from my body's mouth, from me. The sound is the sonic manifestation of this excruciating sting in this too small mind. There is nothing but the torment and the desire to escape this hell. All needs of the demon and the image of the girl are replaced by the feeling of scorching flames that melt away all my power.

And then somehow I am bodiless again, out in the ether. I can see every part of the clearing once more, from every angle as I float as dispersed energy once more, as the shield once more. All the vampires who survive are gathered around the body I inhabited moments ago. It seems to have tipped over.

Edward pleads, rocking the body, cradling the face, and begging for one known as Bella to return to him.

I still have the fire and the access to Edward's panicked thoughts. I blame him entirely. He brought the pain. If he were ash I would never have to go back in there again. The demon demands his destruction and the fire gathers from the smoldering remains of the truly dead undead, but then there is more screaming.

No one in the clearing seems to notice the new deathly wail. The sound does not come from the body, but from somewhere deep within my consciousness. The scream gains both volume and intensity as the being producing it struggles to gain strength, struggles to get back to the body.

The demon fights back, trying to control the fire once more, but the assault of images from the mind of the one known as Edward combined with the strength of the screaming entity makes it impossible.

_Vanessa. _

That's the girl's name. Vanessa Elizabeth Masen Cullen.

These names mean something. They mean something to me. And so does the little girl and the distraught vampire holding my former body.

And with yet another painful crack, I'm back in the screaming, burning, and too tight body.

I manage to remember that Vanessa is my daughter and my own name and the love I have for the panicking man clutching at my flaming flesh before the pain in my head becomes too much and the whole world goes black.


	28. Breaking Dawn

**Thank you so much for your reaction to the last chapter. I am in awe of you guys.**

**We're nearing the end now.**

**I own nothing and Donna is awesome. **

* * *

Hindsight is a funny thing and looking back now, I would have to admit that for the majority of my painfully long existence I was utterly and helplessly miserable.

They changed all that, of course, but before Bella – no, it's more like in between Bellas – I was unaware that my daily state was indeed one of complete and total misery.

During my ninety-five years spent killing with James and Victoria I was self aware enough to recognize the loneliness and guilt, but not the misery.

After Bella found me again, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of misery. This was a falsity and when Vanessa was taken I learned of new depths of pain and fear and rather an utter hopelessness that threatened to cripple me.

Also guilt. Given all I've willingly done throughout the course of my painfully long existence – murdering the hiker being the most recent in the very long list of sins – I thought I knew guilt but James took my daughter to punish me and then Bella got lost in her head and it seemed like the guilt would burn me from the inside out.

For a moment there it was so tempting, but Nessie needs my strength. Bella does too.

She is so strong, my miracle mate, and look at her now. Look at what I let happen.

The moment she stepped through the front door of the Denali's Alaskan home I knew everything would be different. Maybe it was even earlier, when I first caught a whiff of her hauntingly familiar and gloriously appealing scent as she approached the cabin. Hell, when Tanya first announced that their sister coven would be joining us, including the vampire called Bella, something resonated deep within me, sounding approval for her name alone.

Tanya liked me and now that she is back in our unlives, exposing me to the sadness in her thoughts when she looks at me. I do feel a bit bad for leading her on. Before Bella showed up, I feigned interest in the strawberry blonde vampire, mostly to keep James off my back.

There was more to it, though. I wanted to feel something for Tanya. After 95 years alone with a mated pair, I was somewhat desperate to feel even a hint of a spark for anyone.

Anyone at all.

So I flirted with Tanya to the best of my limited ability and even considered staying with the strange golden-eyed bunch. Their lifestyle was so appealing even before I met Bella. The thought that I could somehow survive without experiencing the pain and fear and desperation through their minds as I drained my victims of their life force was enough to make me giddy.

Plus, Tanya is pretty enough. If I stayed maybe I'd grow to feeling something for her.

Anything at all.

There was no hope of feeling anything deeper than fondness, but surely that was enough when compared to my other option of an eternity spent alone. So I flirted and tried to ignore the salacious thoughts she bombarded me with.

But then Tanya said Bella's name, I caught a whiff of that scent, and Bella was in the doorway, blessedly silent and so beautiful it hurt the place where my soul once resided.

I approached her without really thinking about it. Even then my body seemed to remember her while my mind failed. I stood there, marveling at her silence and overcome with totally bizarre urges to reach out and just hold her to my chest for as long as she'd have me.

It was all horribly confusing and the way she was drinking me up with her eyes was totally baffling. I know what it means now, that look on her face. Bella explained it to me, before. When she still could. It's her love look. It means she loves me.

God, I would move mountains to see that look on her face just once more. Please, my love, just once more.

Anyway, I just stood there gaping at her for awhile when I saw her for the first time, successfully drowning out the thoughts of the others swirling around in my head, before saying the worst possible thing.

"_What's wrong with you?"_

Fuck, did I really ask her that? A far more appropriate inquiry would have been what is wrong with me?

The way her face fell when she realized I did not know her will haunt me until I'm nothing but dust in the wind.

Bella ran and everything seemed so wrong, but I was unable to determine _why_. My question was a little rude given we were strangers – or so I thought – but I was totally in awe of her, right from that very first moment.

Vanessa likes to call it love at first resight. In the months since Bella burned them all down, Nessie has asked me to tell this story of our remeeting countless times. Even though it hurts, I do as my daughter says. I always make sure to tell it when Bella is nearby, but she never gives any indication that she can hear me.

Please, baby, please, _please_ hear me.

When Bella ran off - it was over a year ago now - I felt an inexplicable urge to go after her. What I would have said to her if I had chased her was a mystery, but then a sibling made a joke about Bella and Tanya's rivalry and it snapped me out of my daze.

Still, she was only gone a few hours but to me it felt like eons. My body ached to be near her. The feelings seemed so new yet so deeply ingrained in the very essence of my being. It was horrible, terrible, and completely wonderful all at once.

When she came back, I had to be near her. There was no other option.

Bella regarded me with such wariness and longing that I didn't understand, even as I echoed those feelings. I wanted to cradle her against my chest and kiss her temple and call her love. Not doing so proved to be the most difficult thing I'd ever done.

Really, I don't know how she did it. If our places were reversed, I seriously doubt that I would have been able to keep from babbling out our entire history.

I'm glad she found the strength to refrain.

Although I was furious when I found out what she kept from me those first few days, now I'm glad for her caution. When she first found me again, I was too much the vampire, my humanity buried too deep. The knowledge of a shared history, lost to my mind, would have overwhelmed the demon. I would have lashed out and hurt Bella even more than when I left her alone in Forks.

I'm not proud to have run away in such a manner. At the time my departure seemed as necessary as Bella's deception.

Bella says all that matters is that I came back to her.

Well, she once said that. Now she says nothing.

Nothing at all.

* * *

"I don't like this, Vanessa," I mutter, watching Jacob Black loading bags into the back of the large SUV with tinted windows.

"The trip?" asks my daughter, turning to face me and giving me a frown. "I thought you said it was a good idea?"

"It's a great idea," I assure her. Two days ago Nessie suggested we take her mother to the apartment in Chicago, back to the beginning.

"It helped you when you were lost in your head," Nessie agrees, shrugging. "So what don't you like? Oh!" she continues before I can get a chance to explain. "So you don't like that Jake's coming too, huh?"

Vanessa correctly interprets my previous statement but I say nothing as I continue to frown in Jacob Black's general direction.

"Dad," she says with a groan. I can't help but smile because she calls me this now. "We can't just leave him here. He's still traumatized by the whole kidnapping thing," Nessie says for about the tenth time since we started planning this road trip.

"Aren't we all?" I murmur.

Vanessa has been safe at home with us for two months, but nobody seems able to relax. For me, it is the current state of my wife. This weighs heavily on the minds of the others as well, along with worry about who will carry out the mission of the Volturi next. More than the actual kidnapping, my daughter remains traumatized by the battle to get her back. She feels responsible for all who burned and nothing I can say manages to dissuade her of this opinion.

I am unable to ease her guilt about Bella as well.

Despite a victory, Bella is a constant reminder of what this cost.

"Just be glad that Nahuel is staying here," my daughter says, grinning at me. I try not to growl at the mention of the hybrid who has been lurking around since Felix and Dmitri released him from his prison in Italy upon their return.

They became far too close for my liking.

"Hey, we're just about ready," calls Jake. "Let's get this show on the road."

"Go get Mom," Nessie instructs as she bounces down the steps towards the SUV. "I've got to pick the music."

I attempt to smile at Nessie's enthusiasm, but it proves to be a failed attempt. Nessie notices and gives me a sad little smile over her shoulder.

"It's going to work, Dad," she murmurs. "This will help. I know it."

* * *

Bella sits still as a statue in the living room, staring blankly out the window into the dense green forest. The sun streaming in through the window makes her flawless skin sparkle, but it is the only thing about her that glows. Gone is that spark of life, ever present in her amber gaze.

Bella spends most of her time now staring blankly into the trees. She loves these woods. They are _hers_. I take her walking daily, but the familiar trails do nothing to help my wife.

Nothing does.

"Hello, my love," I greet, attempting to sound as normal as possible. Carlisle says we should talk to her as we usually do. As I slowly approach to prevent from startling her, Bella turns her head to look at me of her own volition.

A month ago, Bella responding to the world around her seemed like progress. Now that emotionless mask that's transposed itself over the once vibrant features of my wife's face haunts my every waking moment.

And as a vampire I have a lot of waking moments.

"Jake has the car packed and Nessie is picking the music," I say, crouching down to kneel in front of her. I gently squeeze her kneecaps. She continues to watch me with emotionless eyes. "Are you ready to go?"

Every time she fails to respond something inside me shatters, but I stay strong for both Bella and our daughter. My girls need me.

Bella passively lets me pull her to her feet, lead her to the car, and situate her in the back seat of the SUV. She cocks her head to the side, watching as the family says their goodbyes. As I give a final wave and climb in beside my mate, Bella tracks my movements with her eyes.

Once, I thought this was progress.

I would fight for her, kill for her, die for her, but now I can do nothing but lead her through this strange new phase of unlife. Two months is nothing to a vampire, but seeing that blank look on her face makes each day feel unbearably long.

Carlisle thinks it's her shield. Although we are not sure of the details, it seems during the battle Bella actually pushed her shield from her mind, becoming the energy she typically uses to protect others. This, combined with the emergence of the demon, proved too much for Bella. Carlisle says the shield is continuing to do its job now that Bella is back within her own mind. It is protecting her as she heals, but terrifying the rest of us.

We don't know anything. If and when she'll be back. What and who she'll even be when she does emerge. Carlisle remains confident that in time Bella will come back to herself. I try to mimic his optimism.

I just want my mate back.

I pull Bella into my side. She comes willingly. After weeks of coaxing her head onto my shoulder, she finally does it on her own. As her body relaxes into mine, I let her closeness soothe me.

It doesn't work. Not really. Nothing does.

My every thought and action is focused on helping Bella, on getting back Bella, on ensuring the comfort of Bella.

When Bella closes her eyes and fakes sleep, I stare at her, my mind on an endless loop of "what ifs" and "if onlys."

What if Bella stays a prisoner in her own head? If only I'd been the one to take out Aro or coordinate the internal part of the revolt with Felix.

It's truly sickening and I do my best not to brood too terribly much about Bella and Ness, but it is extremely difficult. My mate is lost, a shell of an undead body without the demon or the humanity to make it like Bella.

Fuck, do I miss her.

* * *

When Bella collapsed, fire still crackling around the smoldering remains of friends and foes alike, I thought she was dead. Her thoughts terrified me before that, only the indistinct desires of the demon, but nothing compared to how I felt when she collapsed in my arms.

For long painful moments, I clutched her cold, lifeless, unmoving body, overcome by grief. I whimpered, convinced she'd never smile at me again, convinced I'd never hear her voice or feel her embrace. I was convinced our daughter would go through this world motherless.

It was the very worst moment of my unlife, holding her unmoving frame. It was so strange because Bella was indeed dead, just as she is now, just as she has been for a century. It is so very easy to forget that we've both been dead for almost a hundred years. In a panic for my wife and the confusion of the ending battle, I forgot that there is only one way to end a vampire's existence.

It took me a very long time to understand what Carlisle was trying to communicate. I had no idea how long he'd been there, crouched next to me, yelling.

"She's not ash, Edward," he screamed until I finally heard him. "She's not ash. This is her shield. Bella is in there somewhere. She's not ash."

This is a mantra that I still chant when fear chokes me.

I didn't really believe Carlisle's reassurances until Bella opened her blank, lifeless eyes a day and a half later.

* * *

"Wait, should I be exiting here?" asks Jacob Black, confused by the directions I read from the piece of paper Esme wrote out for me. "I thought we were staying at your apartment in the city?"

"We'll visit the city," I correct, watching Bella watch the forest. As we drive, things get a little more isolated and rural. "I know Bella seems uninterested and unbothered by humans, but it's best not to tempt her by staying close to so many meals."

Jacob shudders as he drives.

"Yeah, mom would kill us if we let her ruin her perfect track record," says Nessie from the front seat. I nod absently, still studying Bella's face for any hint or twitch or sign that whatever it is that made Bella, well, _Bella_. I look for anything that indicates that she still exists in this undead shell.

Her eyes follow the trees.

"Okay," says Jacob Black. "So where are we going?"

"You'll see!" sing songs my daughter, turning up the music to discourage further conversation.

Bella turns her head, looking at me for a moment as if she doesn't even recognize me, but then she lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I play with her hair as her body relaxes into my side.

She's not ash. She's not ash. Bella is still in there somewhere.

* * *

"Holy shit," mutters Jacob as he gets out of the SUV.

With hands on his hips he stares at the tiny old farmhouse. Although there are nearby neighbors now, I know how isolated it was nearly a century ago when Bella lived here with our newborn daughter from her memories.

"How many old ass buildings do you Cullens own?" he asks Nessie as she joins him to stare at the building.

"Mom took me here once in the 60s," she replies, voice quiet.

I get Bella out of the car and we stand next to our daughter, joining the observation. Again, I look for any sign of recognition on Bella's face, but there is none.

"What is this place?" Jacob asks, picking up on the reverent mood. "Is it special?"

Nessie smiles up at him. "I was born here," she replies moving to hold Bella's hand. "We both were."

"Damn," says Jacob.

We all go back to standing in silence. I compare it to what I saw in Bella's memory. Esme has obviously done some minor restoration, but for the most part it remains the same.

If there were someway to give the memory back, to make Bella understand that she knows this place, I would do it in a second.

"We lived here for a couple of years, Mom," Nessie says. Bella is aware enough to realize that she is being addressed and she turns to our daughter as Nessie tugs on her hand. Although Bella's back is to me, I see an image of her blank face through Nessie's thoughts.

Seeing my beloved like this is extremely difficult.

Vanessa blames herself. She is doing it now. For the first month with her home I would attempt to relieve her guilt, but there is no talking her out of it. My near constant response to her thoughts ended abruptly when she yelled at me, demanding I stay out of her head and just let her "feel how she feels."

Even now it is incredibly difficult to keep my mouth shut to try to argue away Nessie's guilt and sadness, but there is nothing left to say. There is only one thing that will make any of us feel any better. All we can do is wait and hope.

"Carlisle brought you here after he bit you," Vanessa continues to explain.

Bella turns her face back to studying the house with slightly narrowed eyes. It is the first change in the two months since her traumatizing experience and we all notice.

Nessie let's out a shocked little squeak but other than that it is as still as it is silent. The minds of both Nessie and Jacob are screaming. Jacob thinks he is imagining things. Nessie is so hopeful it is a little heartbreaking. I desperately try to feel nothing at all.

I will not get my hopes up for fear of completely falling apart.

"Keep talking," Jacob suggests, obviously attempting to keep calm. Nessie moves her mouth, but no sounds come out. She turns her frantic eyes on me and I take over.

"Carlisle lived here while he worked at the hospital in Chicago," I manage, my voice breaking slightly. "So do you remember when we lived together in Chicago?"

Bella's head jerks as she continues to look at the house. It is a movement that might almost be a nod.

Nessie squeaks again and I don't need Mr. Jacob Black to tell me to keep talking. "We grew up there together and eventually got married. We were so totally and irrevocably in love, just as we are now, but I foolishly went away and didn't come back for a ridiculously long time. Carlisle took care of you. He brought you here to have our daughter."

Bella turns to look at the girl in question. Through Nessie's thoughts I look at my mate's mostly blank face. A little furrow has formed between her brows and my knees threaten to give out because that look is so familiar. She is puzzling something out.

Although it saved us in the past, I've spent a lot of time hating her gift, now more so than ever. To know what she thinks currently would be such a blessing.

We are all standing there marveling at her when so quickly it's a little difficult to see, Bella reaches for Nessie, pulling our daughter onto her back piggyback style and speeding away into the woods.

Jacob and I stare at each other for a moment, shocked to see Bella make her own decision to move for the first time in two months, before taking off after her.

Jacob quickly falls behind, unable to keep up with my speed even in wolf form.

The only thing to keep me from completely panicking is my ability to hear Vanessa's thoughts. Although alarmed by the suddenness of her mother's actions, Nessie is thrilled to be running through the forest once more. It is an activity she finds soothing in its familiarity and hope blooms in my daughter.

An image of Bella controlling a swirling vortex of flame flickers through my head. In that moment my wife was so totally lost, consumed by her own power, her demon ravenous as she burned our enemies.

I didn't think she processed the ability to stop.

The determined glint in her eye and the raging need of the demon told me she was capable of burning the whole world. The demon did not know words, but its need was clear.

I'm sickened by the thought, but when the husk of my wife is once more animated by personality, it could very well be the demon that emerges. I run a little faster, motivated by my dark thoughts and a fear for my daughter.

Bella is fast, faster than anyone I've encountered before, but I am still the fastest.

"Are you alright?" I ask Ness as I match my pace to Bella's, running close enough that I can snatch her away if necessary.

"Dad, I'm super," Vanessa assures me, beaming as she ducks to avoid a tree branch. "This is great! Just like before."

Her positivity and joy is somewhat infectious and I glance at my wife. Her eyes are bright, almost… alive, and even if the rest of her face remains emotionless it is rather huge given her state for the last two months.

Bella doesn't seem to notice me running next to her, the giant wolf trailing us, or Nessie's occasional giggling as she launches them off a rock, landing a hundred feet from where they took off. Nessie squeals with happiness.

I'm wondering how I'll mange to feed Vanessa if her mother decides to run forever when Bella stops abruptly. I'm fifty yards ahead of them before I can blink. It takes me no time at all to reach them once more, and Nessie is sliding off her mother's back.

Jake joins us as Bella takes Nessie's hand, leading us through the forest, following the sounds of a babbling stream. We emerge in a small clearing containing a pool fed by a small, trickling waterfall.

Although the terrain and foliage differ vastly, it is reminiscent of our much larger waterfall back in Forks. I smile at the bittersweet memory of the best day of my existence.

"Cool," says Vanessa, pulling off her t-shirt. It leaves her in athletic shorts and a tank top. Kicking off her flip-flops, she moves to stand on a boulder at the edge of the pool. She just seems to know what Bella wants in this strange moment.

"Mom?" she calls. "Dad? Are you watching?"

She knows we are, but she is determined to act normal in hopes of triggering something equally normal in her mother.

"We're watching," I reply. Bella stares blankly, but tracks our daughter's movements with her eyes. Our daughter cannonballs off the rock into the pool below. She splashes us all, making wolf Jacob smell even more repugnant, but Bella doesn't seem to notice.

"Got you," Nessie says, grinning as she surfaces.

_Get in here you fool. _Her thoughts are directed at me and enough to snap me out of my shock. _We have to make it like that first day in the meadow._

I remove my own shirt and shoes before making the jump. I emerge to see Bella wading into the pond, fully clothed and face blank. Jacob splashes around at the shore, still in wolf form, because he has no clothes on him and I'd kill him before I'd let him gallivant around naked in front of my wife and daughter. We all try very hard to act normal around Bella.

"Best day of my existence." The voice that comes out of my mate's mouth is tinkling and light and so familiar all activity in the small pool immediately desists. The three of us freeze, turning to gape at our wife, mother, and friend.

She stares back with the eerie blank look, one that has become the norm since her collapse.

I'm the first one to shake off the shock and approach Bella. "That's right, love," I reply, my tone betraying my hopes and fears. "The best day of your existence and mine too. It happened in Forks last fall. We spent the day as a family in your favorite clearing. We're in Illinois now, but it is similar to Nessie's waterfall in our woods. Can you smell the difference?"

Bella closes her eyes, inhaling deeply. Her nose wrinkles when she opens her eyes again and she lets out an annoyed hiss in Jacob's direction, probably a reaction to his hideous odor. I laugh as Jacob pouts.

"Remember how we had a picnic?" asks Nessie, rushing over to stand between her mother and myself. Bella blinks down at our daughter, allowing Vanessa to hold her limp hands. "You watched me eat and then Dad insisted that you guys eat behind that tree so I wouldn't see? How silly is that? You cuddled with Dad in the sunshine while I read by the creek. Do you remember what we did next?" asks Nessie, practically vibrating with hope.

In her head she pleads with a god she doesn't even really believe in for her mother's return. I've spent countless moments doing the same.

In response Bella stares at the waterfall.

Although it may not seem like much and my mate stays silent, Bella is clearly responding to Nessie's question. It is proof that some part of my mate understands what is going on around her. Despite her blank face, her mind is in there somewhere, remembering the best day of our existence and the waterfall jumping that occurred.

The thoughts of Jacob and Vanessa indicate that they are well aware of the significance of Bella's response.

"That's right!" squeaks out a delighted Nessie. She now bounces on her feet, causing the water of the pool to ripple around her.

"We went swimming and jumping off that waterfall. Dad and I—"

Ness is about to detail the splash fight when Bella's hand slices through the water.

Once more, we all freeze in shock. Nessie collects herself a moment later, giggling and splashing her mother. "Yes! That's it! Dad and I had a water fight and you got wet in the crossfire."

Bella doesn't react to Nessie's words, but the progress here is huge enough to make this day the second best in my existence.

* * *

"Good day today, my love," I murmur in her ear as I massage shampoo into her long hair. After two months Bella is well acquainted with this bath time routine and she sits still in between my legs as I lather her head. There is something so painfully heartbreaking about the necessity of bathing someone as strong as Bella in such a manner.

It is the same at meal times. She seems to have totally lost the ability to hunt, bathe, and clothe herself. I do it all for her, including bringing a deer's vein to her lips, pulling shirts on over her shoulders, and crawling in the tub behind her to wash her hair.

"Rinse," I murmur, pushing gently on her shoulders. It took her three weeks, but she finally figured out the proper response to my gentle commands.

She slides under the water now. It is somewhat awkward as the tub is smaller than what we're used to, but when her head emerges once more her hair is free of bubbles.

"A very good day," I continue as I condition her long locks.

"Best day of our existence," she replies, voice clear as a bell and the single most beautiful thing I've ever been fortunate enough to hear. This is the third time she uttered these words today, each time as wondrous as the last.

"Yes, love," I reply, my voice breaking and my hands faltering in her hair. "The best day. You remember. Tomorrow night we will go to our apartment in Chicago. A year ago you brought me there to show me the artifacts from our human lives. Do you remember our week in Chicago last year?"

I don't expect her to acknowledge my words but I speak because Carlisle says it can do nothing but help. But, when she moves to turn in the tub to face me I can do nothing but gape at her beautiful, blank features.

I bend my legs so my knees stick up above the water, and Bella braces herself on said knees as she kneels down into the soapy water staring at my nudity. The little furrow is back between her brows as if she is trying to dispel a dense fog to remember.

I shuffle uncomfortably under her gaze, trying to control my body's natural reaction to my extremely stunning mate.

Is she thinking about the end of our time in Chicago? When we came together again for the fist time in a century?

It gets a little more difficult to control my traitorous body.

With something that might be a shadow of a smile but is certainly different from the typical emotionless line of her mouth, Bella reaches out to place a palm over my chest, right over my dead heart.

I stop breathing and can't manage to do anything but stare at her in shock and wonder and fear.

For the second time in as many months, Bella's eyes look alive, like they did before the demon took control. Nothing else matters as I watch her touch me on her own volition for the first time in months.

Cocking her head to the side as she continues to study the water that only partially hides my nudity. She moves her hands down my stomach with unbearable slowness. Somehow the-functioning part of my brain screams out in regards to the wrongness of this but I'm unable to find the energy to do anything but sit still as a statue, my body tensed in anticipation and muscles contracting as Bella's sure, slow fingertips explore each ripple of my stomach as they make steady downward progress.

"Dad?"

The concerned voice from the other side of the door has my common sense once more asserting itself in my mind. Berating myself for being such a thoroughly deranged sicko, I scramble out of the tub, leaping away from my far too appealing mate.

"Are you guys almost done? I want to go to bed and I have to pee," continues Nessie.

"We're just getting out now," I call, trying to sound as normal as possible. There is no suspicion in my daughter's thoughts, just irritation and discomfort.

"Hurry," she demands through the door, despite the fact I could have clearly heard a whisper. "I've really got to go."

Hating myself all the while, I wrap a towel around my waist before pulling Bella out of the tub. I study the floor as I secure the towel around her torso.

It is truly disgusting that I can be thinking about such a thing with Bella so vulnerable and helpless. What sort of vile creature would consider touching her while she's like this? Trapped in her own mind.

Really, I'm no better than Aro.

The sickening thought finally calms my whisked body, self-disgust replacing arousal.

Turning the bathroom over to our daughter, I led Bella into the cabin's only bedroom. Still unable to look at her in my deep shame, I lay out clean sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt on the bed. Typically, I help clothe her, giving directions to lift her arms or feet that she only recently learned to move on her own, but given what just happened in the tub, I can't touch her. I can't mar her flawless skin further with my dirty, perverted hands.

Once again Bella astonishes me, moving around my motionless figure to pull on her clothes on her own.

I fear I have a terrible habit of grossly underestimating her.

In my shock I manage to look at her again, observing her confident, steady movements as if she's been doing this on her own all along. When she finishes she hands over a towel and sits on the bed, looking up at me almost expectantly.

I know what she wants. This is part of the routine, but I pull on a pair of sweats first because I cannot be naked around her in this moment.

Despite all that lurks within her, lately Bella is more a child than anything.

Talking the towel from my mate, I dry Bella's hair, leaving it damp and tousled and unbearably sexy.

Bella is staring at me again, but once more Vanessa saves us both, emerging from the bathroom with a comb. Ness began the ritual of combing out Bella's long mahogany locks after being home for only a few days.

When I take two large steps away from my mate, I swear she pouts, but that must just be my mind playing tricks.

* * *

Bella still pretends to sleep. She is now so adept at reaching this meditative sort of state that I believe she might be the world's only sleeping vampire.

There is only one bedroom in this small house. Esme restored the house for historical preservation, not for living in comfort. After tucking my girls in for the night, I join Jacob on the couch in the living room area.

There is nothing I want more than to run through the woods to clear my head, but I dare not leave my family alone and virtually unprotected. Instead I join Mr. Jacob Black on the couch.

He has headphones on and it takes me a few minutes of silently sitting next to him, I process what he's listening to.

"You're learning Spanish?" I ask, surprised. He really isn't one for the studying.

"Si." In his mind he counts in Spanish, trying to conceal his thoughts, no doubt, but then they take on a bitter edge as he thinks of Nahuel.

"_Always talking to Ness in Spanish," _he thinks. _"Got to know what he's saying. Nessie is too nice to even notice the dude is being a creepy asshole. And he drinks blood and can create more bloodsuckers, unlike Ness. What a dick."_

My chuckle in response to his thoughts is slightly evil. Although I don't exactly enjoy the hybrid's interest in my daughter, his thoughts are inoffensive and I find Jacob's discomfort extremely entertaining.

Nessie and Nahuel have much in common, given what they are, and as much as I'd like to demand he return to South America under pain of decapitation, this is a very difficult time for my daughter and the untimely departure of her fellow former prisoner would only make things worse.

"Dude, really?" groans Jacob, ripping the ear buds from his ears and scowling at me. "How are you not more wary of this stranger?"

I tap my forehead. "I know what he is thinking because I actually speak his language," I reply.

"I don't like it," he mutters.

"Well, I don't like either of you around my daughter, so there you go," I remind him. "There isn't anything I can do about it at this point."

Jacob turns off the language lessons loaded onto his iPod and we sit in silence for a while. I berate myself for considering touching my mate inappropriately until Jacob speaks again.

"Nessie was right," he murmurs. "We've only been here for half a day and she talked! Twice! And did you see her eyes? Damn, she's coming back, Eddie. We're almost out of it now."

I let the joy and hope from the day soothe me, until my thoughts turn dark once more.

"What is it?" Jacob demands, on edge now.

Focusing on my daughter to make sure she continues to sleep, I decide to confide in the wolf. Surely he's earned full disclosure, given he and his pack is partially responsible for our so-called victory. They are far from whole because of it.

"I am concerned that when Bella finds her way back to us she will not be the same," I murmur. It is a struggle to keep the tremors out of my tone as I voice my greatest fear.

"What?" asks Jacob Black, shifting on the couch to better blink at me. "Why?"

I sigh heavily and pinch the bridge of my nose as I relive the terrifying moments when the being in my mate's mind was demon only. There was nothing remotely recognizable there. No shield. No memories. No thoughts expressed as words. Only the desire for _more_.

"During the battle Bella pushed her gift to unknown levels of power." I become robotic and detached. It's the only way I can manage to keep from breaking down completely, something that will not happen with Jacob Black in the vicinity.

He nods along with me. Although he was running Nessie to safety when Bella changed, he's heard all about her role from Garrett and the others who describe my mate's actions as glorious. They paint her as the savior of all vampire kind.

And in a way this is truth. Bella would hate being known as a savior.

Those of us who had our gifts stolen, Jasper, Benjamin, and myself, view Bella's hidden depths as something to be feared and avoided rather than worshipped.

"I know not how it happened," I whisper, attempting to explain. "When we first got into that clearing, the precision and control over her shield was truly staggering. I was in awe of the way she kept the protection so close to our every ally, wrapping around each body perfectly even as we moved and fought. Truly it was remarkable."

"Wow," murmurs Jacob, properly amazed.

"But then something happened," I continue. "I could hear her thoughts coming from her immobile body, but it wasn't her, Jacob. It was demon only."

"Demon?" The wolf swallows as if attempting to gulp down his horror. "Bella has a demon?"

"We all do, but it's always been buried so deep in Bella," I say before pressing on. "The shield was gone, and with it Bella. I still do not know the details, but Carlisle and Eleazar believe that she somehow forced her gift passed the confines of her physical form. Like she pushed her shield out of her body, severing ties with it and the demon was the only thing left behind. It wanted the gifts of others. It called out to something, the shield presumably, demanding more power. For most vampires the demon lusts for blood, not power like Bella. But none possess power like Bella."

Jacob shivers in horror. I don't tell him how Bella wanted to burn us all. To burn me. It wasn't my mate. I know it wasn't my mate, but I truly fear she is forever lost.

"You're worried," says Jacob after the shock wears off. "You're worried that when Bella comes back, it might be her who emerges but…"

"Her newly awakened demon."

"Fuck," replies Jacob because there is really nothing else to say.

I rise from the couch, needing to be near my mate. There is nothing remotely demonic about her current state, and this gives me hope.

"Nahuel speaks Portuguese," I tell Jacob before going to be near my girls.

* * *

Nessie is curled in the fetal position, clutching a pillow. Bella lies flat on her back in the same place I left her hours ago. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls with steady, unnecessary breaths.

She must sense my approach but she does nothing to acknowledge my presence until I'm crawling in under the covers. Her eyes open briefly and she looks impossibly sleepy as she rolls over to rest her head against my chest.

I wonder if she wants to be near me or if she is just well trained from all the nights we've spent together like this in our room back home in our cabin.

Bella wraps her arms around me, giving me one good squeeze before closing my eyes and pretending to sleep.

* * *

"Any change?" I ask as Jacob wanders into the kitchen in the Chicago apartment.

I watch the mugs circling in the microwave, but most of my attention is absorbed in the living room with my girls.

"Naw," replies the wolf, leaning against a counter directly behind me. "She's still pouring over the old photos with that creepy blank stare that is now the norm. "Has she spoken today?"

"No," I reply, trying not to be too terribly miserable about it. "But she is looking through the photos on her own. Really, that alone is huge. Up until yesterday she was more a doll than anything."

"Yeah," Jacob agrees. "There's that. Hey, you okay, man?"

I'm surprised to hear genuine concern in his thoughts. Although I nod, I have no idea what to say but the microwave dings, saving me from the necessity of formulating a response.

"You cooking?" he asks as I reach for the mugs.

"It's less repulsive heated up," I explain. I wave the mug under his nose, causing him to gag.

"No," he insists, looking slightly green, "it really isn't. You couldn't have just taken out a deer before we left the woods?"

"I'm trying to do things we did last time we stayed in the city," I explain. "Maybe something small will trigger a memory like yesterday."

"It's not people blood," Jacob asks, extremely uncomfortable now, "is it?"

"Does it smell like people blood?" I snap.

Jacob sniffs obnoxiously. "Poor Babe," he mutters, shaking his head sadly. The reference is totally lost on me.

A moment later I am kneeling in front of my mate. Nessie is reading on the couch while Bella sits on the floor with hundreds of old photographs spread out around her. She's been organizing them in different patterns. I don't know what it means.

"Here, love," I say, smiling as she accepts the outstretched mug. "Drink quickly and it's not so bad."

Her nose wrinkles. The familiar look makes my heart sing.

"Foul," she says, scowling down at the cup.

Again, hearing her voice is enough to render us all speechless. Jacob recovers first.

"Actually, Bells," he says. "I believe it's pig. And you're got a bit on your chin."

We stay in Chicago for another week. Bella speaks five more times, all of it trivial, but still, it's real progress.

* * *

"It's all my fault," Nessie says. We are driving back from La Push where Nessie visits various pack members and their families everyday. I think it makes them feel better, to see exactly what they fought for. What they lost for.

"Vanessa?"

"Mom, everyone who died," she continues, her voice breaking. "Irina. Jared. Siobhan, all those newborns and the creepy vamps I didn't know. It's all my fault."

I pull the car over and pull Nessie into a hug across the gearshift.

"Hush," I say, stroking her hair and kissing her temple. My dead heart shatters as her shoulder's shake and her tears dampen my sweater. "It's not your fault," I tell her for the thousandth time in the last two and a half months. "This is all Aro's doing. His wickedness and cruelty had to be stopped for the good of us all, Vanessa. This was coming for many, many years. His unwise decision to take you, to barter your imprisonment for your mother's… well, it was simply the last straw and not your fault at all. He went too far, was blinded by his own power and he paid."

And we paid too. We continue to pay.

Nessie pulls back to stare at me with tearful brown eyes, so like her mother's once were. They are the only memory of my human life that is truly mine and to see the distress in them now is excruciating.

We've had this conversation with such frequency in the last two months. I hope eventually she'll believe my words.

"Is he really gone, Dad?" she whispers.

The memory of removing Aro's head from his shoulders fills me with satisfaction but my enjoyment is short lived when I remember the vision of my wife on the verge of burning the whole world down.

" I am positive," I assure her. "He'll never hurt anyone again. We're safe."

"But Mom is still hurting," Nessie replies, sobbing into my chest once more.

"Honestly, Vanessa," I murmur. "I think this hurts us more than it hurts her. She is safe now. Her shield is serving to keep her safe and that is what's happening now."

This is Carlisle and Eleazar's theory, anyway, but they did not hear the thoughts of the demon left in Bella's body. The demon did not think in words, only desires, and Bella was not there as the demon sought to burn it all, starting with me.

Now she seems so innocent and passive, but I'm not convinced that this is the peaceful, healing state as Carlisle claims.

These are obviously not fears I share with my daughter, and there is nothing I can do but watch for any sign of the demon.

"It will be alright," I murmur as Nessie calms. "She isn't ash. Your mother is in there somewhere."

Vanessa gets quiet and I listen to her heartbeat, taking comfort in the sound.

* * *

"Stupid, fucking arm." Emmett growls and wiggles around his left arm at the shoulder. I've never lost an appendage but I've heard it takes years for a limb to function normally.

"Stop complaining," I reply. "A fucked up arm is an appropriate handicap. I'm not totally getting destroyed for once."

Emmett growls. Jasper laughs. All I do is worry about Nessie in La Push with Carlisle and Bella upstairs with her sisters, even with my eyes focused on the shooter video game on the screen.

It is the first time I've let my daughter out of my hearing range in the three months since she came back to us, but Nessie insisted it's time for me to ease up a little. I'm a wreck, although there are very few places as safe as La Push with the wolf pack.

Upstairs, my mate is getting her hair done. Alice keeps up a constant dialog, sharing memories and recounting stories, many of which I do not even know. They are little things. She tells frivolous tales, such as Bella dressing up as a Disney princess for Halloween fifteen years ago at the request of our daughter.

I play three more games with Bella's brothers, all of which Jasper dominates. Emmett tosses away his controller, stomping off to find Rosalie, determined to work off his frustration in some pretty creative ways. I attempt to block his thoughts, staying focused on Alice and Bella.

"So how are you holding up?" Jasper asks as he turns off the gaming machine.

"As best as can be expected, I suppose," I reply with a shrug. "I do not really have a choice. Vanessa needs me."

"Has Bella spoken since you guys got back from Chicago?"

"She declared that an episode of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer _was 'all wrong' when Ness had it on the other night," I say with a slight smile.

Jasper chuckles. "That sounds like our Bella. It's strange the stimulus she responds to."

"Yeah, it's a little bizarre."

"Do you think you'll be okay on your own when we leave for Italy?" ask Jasper.

The majority of our coven, along with many of the vampires who fought with us against the Volturi, are assembling to determine who will govern and how. Under different circumstances Bella's experience and influence would be extremely valuable to the process, but I dare not drag her to a place that holds such terrible memories.

"Esme and Rosalie are staying," I reply. "Along with the wolves. We'll be fine."

Jasper opens his mouth to reply but Alice's fingers still in Bella's intricately braided hair and I take off. Alice's thoughts take on that fuzzy quality unique to her visions. I reach the girls, taking Bella's hand as Alice gets a glimpse of our future.

She sees Bella, happy and smiling and touching my face. "Edward," she says, whispering my name with such reverence and love. She leans in to kiss me and the vision ends abruptly.

The here and now version of my mate stares at me with that blank look as I stare back at her with awe.

Alice squeaks and hugs me before bounding over to hug her husband who loiters in the doorway. For the first time in a long time, I feel hope.

* * *

Bella speaks again two days after our family leave for Italy.

Esme started homeschooling Nessie a month ago. Fearing a back lash from those loyal to the guard, it was unanimously decided that Ness would not be attending the high school as planned. Vanessa's ready agreement to this clearly demonstrates how shaken she remains even all these months later.

"Well, I'm off to school," announces my daughter, putting away her breakfast dishes.

"What's on the docket for today?" I ask, handing over her backpack.

"Russian," she says with a ridiculously guttural accent that would probably offend the Denalis. "I want to surprise Kate and Tanya when they get back. It might make them feel a little better. After everything."

She pauses for a moment, looking sad as she thinks of Irina and the others. I give her a hug and she recovers a moment later, trotting over to the couch where Bella sits, staring passively out the window as usual.

"Bye, Mom," Nessie says, kissing Bella's cheek. My mate turns her head to stare at our daughter. "Love you."

Nessie makes it as far as the door before Bella's voice makes us both freeze.

"Vanessa Elizabeth Masen Cullen."

The voice is clear and strong, but still rather emotionless. My daughter and I turn to gape at her. Bella just continues to stare at our daughter with her head cocked to the side, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. It's as if she's trying to see through a dense fog.

Nessie drops her bag by the door and rushes to sit next to her mother. "Yes, Mom. It's me. It's your daughter. Your Nessie."

For the first time in three months, Bella smiles. It is so beautiful; the power of it nearly has me tipping over. This is a real Bella smile, vibrant and full of love.

I'm so very thankful it is not the horribly cruel one of the demon. Thinking of the way it made my mate look painfully unfamiliar in the clearing has a shudder running up my spine, but then I force myself back into the present.

"We're going to the meadow," Nessie declares, turning back to me now. "That worked in Illinois. We're going to spend the day in the meadow, Mom. Won't that be fun?"

Bella reaches out, fingertips tracing the lines of Vanessa's cheeks. "Nessie," states my mate.

"Yes," our daughter manages through her tears.

"What about school?" I ask through my daze.

"I'm skipping it," Nessie replies. "Good thing I have an in with the teacher."

"Yes," I murmur, my chest heavy. "Good thing."

* * *

Bella pretends to sleep against my chest. I close my eyes, stroking her hair and listening to our daughter's heartbeat in the next room. Today was a good day. Although Bella did not speak again, she listened avidly as Nessie read to us and even took down her own deer, a first in the last three months.

When we visited Nessie's waterfall, Bella played and splashed, fully engaging in the activity on her own. We were blessed with her smile twice more. Three times in one day and I never thought I'd see it again.

I kiss her temple and sigh in contentment when Bella holds me a little closer. Dawn is just breaking when I feel tension slowly infiltrate Bella's body. I rub her shoulders, trying to relax her. My concern grows when her limbs start shaking. Looking at her face, I can see her eyes darting around behind closed lids.

"Bella?" I whisper, stroking my thumb under her eyes. At the contact, her lids fly open.

What I see there is stunning.

Gone is the blank, emotionless mask that's become so familiar in the last few months, replaced now with abject fear, panic, and confusion.

"It's alright," I manage, despite my wildly conflicting emotions.

Slapping my hands away, Bella lets out a startled little hiss and sits up, scrambling away from me until she is perched on the edge of the bed. Her eyes dart around once more, getting her bearing as I pray that this is really and truly my mate – not the demon or the shield or the robot, but my Bella.

"You're alright, love," I say. The urge to reach out and provide comfort is nearly overwhelming, bit I dare not disturb her further. "It's okay. You are safe here in our cabin."

She just continues to frantically observe her surroundings. Her chest heaves with her panicked, labored breaths and her hands rip into the comforter at her sides.

"Wha…" She attempts to speak but the words trail off into nothingness.

"It's me, Bella," I say, pleading and desperate now. "It's Edward."

At the saying of my name, Bella instantly relaxes. The shaking stops, her breathing settles, and her bright amber gaze locks on mine.

For long minutes we simply watch each other. I don't breathe. The creature before me is my mate. I can see my Bella in the eyes, in the expression, in the way she bites her lip and the specific tilt of the head.

There is nothing demon about her. Gone is the mask. There is pain and confusion in the being before me, but it is truly my Bella.

It seems far too good to be true.

"Edward."

Just one word from her, and I'm a believer.

* * *

**So that was Edward. What are we thinking? As of now we've got two more chapters and an epi.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	29. The Relearning

**Thank you for your wonderfully kind words. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you Donna. I own nothing.**

* * *

The world stays dark, but the battle isn't over.

Although the pain is gone, I'm trapped with a demon. I can feel it hovering on the periphery of my consciousness. Occasionally it pushes at me, trying to gain more ground, testing me for weakness. I've allowed it to awaken and grow in my absence, and now I'm too weary to beat it back.

All I can manage is to hold onto the territory I have now.

_My name is Isabella_, I remind myself. _I am wife to Edward and mother to Nessie. I have a family. I have friends. I love them. My name is Isabella Masen – Bella for short. _

Time passes in the dark but I am unable to determine how much of it specifically. It feels like lifetimes.

The demon learns new tactics. It whispers in the dark, reminding me what it feels like to have all that power. It tempts me, taunts me, and beckons to me.

_Vanessa. Edward. Bella._

I chant my name and those of my loved ones, but as the demon calls to me, I forget their faces. I forget what the names mean and which one belongs to me.

The demon gathers strength and I shrink, barely able to hold on to a tiny little corner in the depths of this mind that once felt so very small. The demon fills up all my spaces and in a fit of desperation I strain to remember my last thought before it all went dark.

Something important lingers there. Someone important.

It's a struggle. I am so very tired. And it would be so easy to give into the demands of the demon. It would be blissfully mindless, and I am so very tired, but something nags at me, prevents me from simply giving in. So I continue to search for those final thoughts before the blackness.

Instantly an image of a girl floods my consciousness.

She is luminous, her brightness causing the demon to cower and hiss. I hold onto the image desperately.

Her eyes she gets from me.

How? Did she take my eyes? Is this why I'm unable to see?

No, that's not right. That is absurd.

The demon attempts to take advantage of my confusion, and I focus on the image in my mind.

The eyes she got from me but the rest she gets from her father. Her father! That makes me her mother. This girl is my daughter. She is the reason for my humanity.

Vanessa.

Her name is Vanessa.

The demon shrivels as I regain a century's worth of memories.

Her father is Edward

The moment I remember his name, I am blessed with a mental image so clear, I swear I can see it even in the darkness. The demon shrieks in pain, desperately clawing at me in a futile attempt to stop its own shrinking, but it is powerless now.

Edward and Vanessa love me. They love Bella. This love blooms in my chest and I use it to lock the demon in an iron-clad box, pushing it down, down, down as deep as it will go.

There is no getting rid of it, I'm afraid. But I do all I can to ensure that it never will get out again.

The darkness is quiet and soothing as I – humanity and all – fill up the empty spaces.

Now I rest.

* * *

The world becomes a very strange dream.

I relearn how to see and I am looking at a familiar ceiling.

This room is well known, but the colors are less bright, the smells less potent, and the sounds nonexistent. I am still too tired and so unstable in my own mind. The full vibrancy of the world would prove overwhelming and I find myself thankful for this strange, dulled, dream version.

I am lying still on my back. This is the bed in the big house where my parents and siblings live. I am not here often, but I cannot recall where the majority of my nights are spent.

A familiar lanky figure sits next to me, propped up against the headboard. There is a book resting open on his lap, but he is not reading it. Instead he stares out the wall of windows, running his hands through his hair at great frequency.

Minutes pass and I watch him. I'm relieved he actually exists. For a moment there I was not totally sure.

Eventually he glances down at me for a quick moment before he goes back to staring out the window. He does a double take and jumps in surprise, eyes going wide as saucers. He just catches himself from falling off the bed.

After a moment he recovers to lean over me, cradling my face between large, familiar palms. I can't feel his touch. I have not relearned how to do this yet. Smell and sight. These are the senses I've relearned since my battle with the demon.

Again, I'm thankful for this strange dream world. Hearing the words that match the movements of his lips and feeling his skin on mine would be far too much.

Much too much.

Although a moment ago his face was jubilant, now he appears to be terrified.

He coaxes my body into a seated position. I go willingly, but the movements feel strange and they disturb my fragile head, forcing me to close my eyes.

Edward. His name is Edward.

I open my eyes again when I remember his name in time to see him calling something over his shoulder before turning back to me. He runs his palm in front of my face. I track his movements with my eyes, wondering what his intentions are with this strange activity.

The girl who saved me from the demon appears in the doorway and I stop staring at the hand in favor of staring at her. She is so beautiful and back in this home where she belongs.

Vanessa. She is Vanessa, my daughter. Nessie for short.

I'll keep her safe forever, as soon as I remember how.

She sprints across the room, throwing herself into my body and wrapping her arms around my neck. I do not remember how to return her embrace, nor can I really feel it now, but I close my eyes, remembering thousands of past hugs.

Too soon, Vanessa pulls away. When I open my eyes again, the familiar room is far too full for my comfort. I recognize the ones closet to me. After a brief struggle to sift through the mental fog permeating my mind, I remember names.

This room is far too full. So many watch me. I don't have all their names.

Carlisle is touching my face now, just as Edward was touching it before. His lips move and I focus on them for a moment before my gaze darts around, going from vampire to vampire to werewolf to vampire.

Their continued existence is a good thing, but their presence overwhelms me. They want something from me but I do not know what. I'm ill equipped to give anyone anything in this strange dream world. I do not even know how to move.

I am relearning how to think and remembering how to see, so I have nothing left to give.

Carlisle appears to give an order, pointing insistently towards the bedroom door. A long line of disappointed and concerned creatures file out of this familiar room. Only Edward, Vanessa, and Carlisle remain.

Carlisle runs his finger in front of my face and I track the movement with my eyes for a moment before letting my gaze rest on my daughter. She sits crying at the foot of the bed, but she is still perfect and so beautiful, even in this version of the world with the intensity turned way down. If I could remember how to hug her I would do so now.

Carlisle continues to examine me. I follow his movement with my eyes once more. This is the only part of me that I know how to move. He claps his hands near my ear but I hear nothing. I watch him poke the flesh of my upper arm with a needle, but I feel nothing. He then pulls me out of bed, standing me up by the bed. Again, I don't really feel anything but an odd heaviness where my limbs should be. My arms get extended in front of my torso and when Carlisle let's go of my wrists, my arms stay in the position he leaves them in.

I decide this exercise is beyond ridiculous, so I close my eyes. I'm so very, very tired.

When I open my eyes a moment later I am back in bed, my head resting on Edward's chest. My daughter sits on his other side, legs crossed under her skinny body. She is nodding along to whatever her father says, watching me with big, sad eyes.

My eyes.

Now her lips are moving. Perhaps tomorrow I will relearn how to hear, but for now all this sight is exhausting me. I close my eyes again and rest my head.

* * *

When I relearn hearing, the constant buzz of the world alarms me, even though it is as if everything is dampened by cotton balls in my ears. Loud noises make my body jump, but I don't feel it, just as I don't feel fear.

Nothing can harm me in this dream world, this place of healing, but my body seems to react to some things instinctually.

It takes me lifetimes to relearn how to feel touch and how to touch in return. Edward helps, as does Vanessa. Her skin is so warm but Edward's touch seems hotter somehow, despite my chilled skin.

Still, often touching him is too much and I'm forced to close my eyes.

Once a long time ago, I pretended to sleep. I suppose it is the same now, but it seems like the real thing. Maybe in this dream world, even the undead are given the blessing of rest.

When my eyes are open, I work hard to educate myself.

I learn that the slight pressure on the back of my head from Edward's palm means that I should lie against his shoulder. I like it here and learn to find this position without his prompting.

I learn to lace my fingers through hers when Vanessa touches my hand. She does this often – when we walk in my woods, when we sit and she reads, or when Edward tells us stories.

I learn to go through the motions of Carlisle's examinations without him needing to be involved at all. This makes him laugh. I have no idea how to laugh, just as I have no idea how to return my daughter's smiles.

I have no idea how to even start relearning these things.

Expressing emotion and feeling anything proves to be impossible. Sometime in the future I will have to relearn emotions but the prospect proves exhausting. I'm forced to close my eyes when I contemplate it.

I learn to sink my teeth into the soft flesh of furry beasts and drink them dry when Edward holds animals to my lips. Eventually I even relearn how to hold them to my mouth without Edward's assistance.

Still when he kisses my temple or trails his fingertips over my skin it is so dizzying and I have to close my eyes.

I learn to drown out the words of those around me. They talk of memories, of things I should know. Thinking in the past is painful, so I focus instead on my relearning and my rest.

I need so much rest.

* * *

The forest is very green.

I relearn how to identify color and there are so many shades of green in this forest: In my forest. My eyes are drawn to the trees often. There is something soothing and familiar about the colors and the smells.

I do not attempt to understand my attraction to the color green, but when Edward takes me walking in the woods I never close my eyes.

* * *

We get in a car and leave my woods and our home.

It is a lot greener out in the wide world, so I lay my head on Edward's shoulder and watch what goes on outside the window. I do not know where we are going, but it hardly matters.

Vanessa is in front of me. Edward is by my side. They are safe. Nothing else matters.

Edward guides me out of the vehicle and I stand between my husband and my daughter, staring at an achingly familiar house.

I know this place.

Tilting my head to the side, I attempt to remember through the fog of my dream world. This is the place of my birth as well as my daughter's.

Something stirs in my memory, a place so similar to another place that always makes Vanessa smile. Making Vanessa smile seems extremely important, so I pick her up, intent on bringing her to this place.

Edward and the wolf follow me as I remember what running once made me feel. Once I liked to run. Now I do not understand what it means to like anything, just as I know I love Edward and Vanessa, but what it means to love is not something I am capable of relearning just now.

But making Vanessa smile seems important and our final destination seems to do just that.

They gape at me and an explanation comes out of my mouth.

"The best day of my existence," I hear myself say.

The words taste strange on my tongue and rattle my fragile mind, but I do not give into the instinct to close my eyes. Instead I follow them into the water.

My insides warm when Vanessa smiles.

* * *

I relearn how to really remember.

Edward, Nessie, and the wolf called Jacob bring me back to the place that stores our human history. I look at pictures, categorizing and organizing as I really remember.

With each new memory something solidifies in my mind. The world gets a little brighter, each of my senses get a little sharper. I am relearning who I am through these safe memories.

The memories stored here – both good and bad, happy and sad – are safe in that they do not overwhelm me. The only memories off limits are those of the thing I became and the power I sought. Just thinking about all that still lurks inside me makes me close my eyes.

Only safe things are here in my dream world.

* * *

Cleanliness is something I relearned long ago, but I pretend ignorance.

I am capable of completing the nightly bathing ritual myself, but then Edward would not join me. His touch is now energizing rather than overwhelming. I've spent hours relearning our memories, thinking about what it's like to really touch him.

I get curious and it makes him nervous, but then it is time to sleep.

I close my eyes and hold my daughter's hand as her breathing gets deep.

* * *

Actual sleep turns back into pretend sleep as dawn breaks one day.

My dream world has been slowly but surely clarifying into reality around me until all at once I've relearned everything.

I am Isabella Cullen, mother of Vanessa, wife of Edward, daughter of Carlisle and Esme, sister to Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper, friend and ally to countless others.

I am special.

I am great and terrible and my demon has little interest in blood but oh, how it _craves_ power.

I am Bella, but I have no idea _where_ I am.

My eyes fly open as I struggle to comprehend all that's gone on since my daughter was taken.

How long has it been? Weeks? Months? Years? Fucking lifetimes?

It feels like lifetimes.

Edward is looking down at me where I lay against his chest. This does nothing to calm me as I remember stealing from him and demanding his ash, craving his destruction.

How could I want that? Did I succeed? Is this even real? Is he even real?

I scramble up and away, so painfully confused as I attempt to sort through my memory. From the moment I walked through the Denali's front door… none of it feels real.

His lips are moving and I know how to use all my senses now.

"You're alright, love," he says, words sounding so very loud and sharp and real, despite his quiet tones.

"Wha…" This comes out of my mouth, I think. It's almost a word.

"It's me, Bella." That's my name. "It's Edward."

And there it is: the thing to calm me down. My body stills and I know what it's like to love him again.

"Edward," I manage, his name a prayer.

I choose to believe that he is real and abruptly launch myself at him. Surprised by the suddenness of my attack, Edward is unable to prevent us from tumbling off the edge of the bed. We land on the floor in a tangle of limbs, but I barely even notice. I push my face into his neck and get my arms around his torso. My body shakes as the fear slowly ebbs away.

"I didn't burn you," I chant into his neck. "You're not ash. I didn't burn you."

"You're here," he replies with a chant of his own, rocking us slightly as he strokes my hair. "You came back. You're here."

I lose track of who is comforting who. The relief of both feels palatable. For a few moments I just let myself absorb the knowledge that he's here, that he's unharmed, and that I once more really, truly know what it means to be in love with him.

Crying is not something I'm able to relearn as a vampire, but if it were a possibility, I would be blubbering all over him.

Edward would be blubbering all over me as well, I believe.

With hands cradling my face, Edward pulls me out of the safety of his neck to search my eyes. I look back at his, remembering when they were green.

"It's really you?" he whispers. His expression holds an odd combination of awe and hope and fear.

"Yes." I frown, confused by his question for a moment. "It's me," I say, rapidly deteriorating into hysterics. "I'm not the shield. I'm not the demon. I'm not dreamland Bella."

He probably has no idea what I'm going on about.

"Oh, love," he murmurs.

Panic chokes at me as I struggle to comprehend all that's gone on, all that I truly am. "How long?" I ask him, my fingers digging into his forearms. He still frames my face with his hands and if he lets go I feel like I'll blow away.

"Three months," he replies, understanding my question even through my extreme panic. "Ninety-six days since the battle."

A large shudder runs through my body at the memory. My shaking gets worse. Edward tries to ground me, but there is nothing to be done. I am what I am, and it's evil and dark and too terrible to really contemplate.

"Vanessa?" I manage through my great gasping breaths.

"Listen," Edward says, his voice strong and sure. "That's her heartbeat, Isabella. She's safe and asleep in the yellow room. We got her back."

I calm instantly, my head lolling forward onto his shoulder as the tension leaves my muscles. Edward moves his palm down my neck to rest on my shoulders. I'm thankful that he's sill touching me.

"Her heartbeat," I whisper. Placing my right hand over my long dead heart, I tap out a rhythm that matches Nessie's heartbeat exactly. I pace my breathing to the beat and calm my body, even as the confusion and horror in my head threatens to overwhelm me once more. "Is she alright?"

I continue to simulate the feeling of a heart beating in my chest.

"Physically, she's fine," he says, massaging my shoulders slightly. "She's still shaken and thinks it's all her fault we had to fight at all, but mostly she worries for you. She'll be much better now. Do you remember how you were?"

"Yes," I reply, hating that I caused my daughter undo pain. "I remember everything."

"Hey," he says, lifting my face towards his with a finger under my chin. "It's not your fault. None of it is."

Oh, he's never been more wrong.

I just smile ruefully. I don't have the energy to argue with him at the moment. Removing his hand from my face, I lace my fingers through his. I need to touch him, to have the strength to ask this next question, but I can't bear to look at him.

Thump, thump, thump.

I focus on my daughter's beating heart and my hand on my chest.

"Who is ash?"

The details are hazy and if I think on my state during the battle too long I feel ill. All I can really remember is fire and lust and power.

"The three," Edward says, as if he'd rather say anything but this, "with the exception of Marcus. The guard. All of them but Benjamin, Tia, Felix, Heidi, and Dmitri."

Another shudder runs up my spine as I remember infiltrating Benjamin's body and stealing his gift. God, and I did it to Edward too. If I look at him right I can still see the green glow of his gift. I could take it again if I so chose, and most terrifying of all, part of me wants to.

My fake heartbeat speeds up in tempo.

"Benjamin…" I can't really ask.

"He's regaining his powers," Edward explains. "He gets stronger daily."

At least I didn't burn him.

My fake heartbeat feels like the only thing keeping me from completely losing it. Combined with Edward's touch, it keeps me semi sane.

"I did all that, didn't I?" I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut. The memories are burned into my mind and there's no way to expel them. "I burned them all."

"I suppose so," Edward murmurs. "You saved us."

The beating against my chest gets much faster and much stronger than Nessie's and far more frantic.

"I nearly destroyed _everything_," I hiss out, looking at my lap.

"But you didn't," he says, sounding painfully heartbroken.

No, no. I can't argue about this now. I can't even think about it.

Thump, thump, thump.

"Who else? The ones I didn't burn?" I ask, not really wanting to know.

Edward sighs. He doesn't want to do this, thinks I'm too fragile, and I don't want to do it either, but I've got to know.

"Irina," he begrudgingly replies. "Siobhan. All of Vic's newborns save for Riley and Bree. Stephan. And Jared."

A little sob escapes my throat.

"Oh, God," I croak out, my voice breaking as my shoulders shake. "Poor Kate and Tanya. Poor Kim," I murmur, thinking of the wolf's wife, of the ones left behind.

"She's holding in there," he assures me. "Nessie has been visiting La Push weekly. It helps."

The rhythmic beating of my hand against my chest gets more violent as I rock in time and close my eyes. In the face of all this guilt and sorrow it is a struggle to maintain my sanity.

Is this how Edward feels? Do the memories of the hiker and countless others sit heavily on his chest? Do they plague his mind and tempt him to give over to the demon?

If I locked away my humanity in a box like the demon nothing would hurt now. Does he think about this like I do?

"Bella?" Edward says. I can hear the panic in his voice. He thinks I'm going to leave him again, slip back into the dream world or become my shield. He doesn't understand how hard I fought to get back to him, but I don't have the words to explain right now.

I'm too busy drowning in guilt.

"God, Edward." I sob, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. His arms come around me and I allow him to pull me into his lap. "What happened? God, what did I do? What did I do?"

He has no answers, but he holds me for a very long time until my body stops shaking.

Somehow I'm able to calm my mind enough to once more focus on that heartbeat, my daughter's miracle heartbeat. Lifting my head off Edward' chest, I turn in the direction of his face.

"We can wake her," he murmurs.

"No," I reply. "I'm so tired. Can I just go lie down with her for a bit?"

Edward doesn't reply. He simply gets to his feet before pulling me to mine.

I have to pause in the doorway of the yellow room because seeing my daughter sleeping just where she belongs is too perfect. After a few minutes, Edward gives me a gentle nudge and an encouraging smile.

Her bed is narrow, but she's curled up on one side, leaving room for me to crawl in next to her. With fingertips barely touching her back, I assure myself that she is really right here.

I close my eyes, focus on her heartbeat only and let my mind rest.

* * *

It doesn't feel like real sleep as it did while in the dream world, but it's damn close.

When Nessie starts to wake two hours later, my mind feels steady. I'm not okay. I will probably never be okay with the knowledge of my horrible capabilities, but for the first time in months I manage to scrape out a little mental clarity.

As my daughter stirs, I sit up. She rolls on her back, stretching her arms and yawning. I push her hair off her forehead and her brow furrows.

"Ten more minutes, Mom," she mumbles into her pillow, turning towards me. Behind me Edward chuckles and I smile, stifling a sob in my throat. If I could I'd cry happy tears because she is so blessedly perfect.

Nessie sighs and for one moment her body relaxes into the mattress as if she's about to fall back to sleep but then her eyes fly open.

"Mom," she whispers into the pillow. She bolts upright, searching out my gaze. "Mom?" It's a wary question as she regards me with suspicion.

I manage a smile and a nod and a choked out "hi."

"Mom!" she shrieks through, tears immediately flooring her eyes. Her skinny little arms come around my neck as the rest of her collides with my torso. I worry that she'll hurt herself, but I return her hug just the same.

"Vanessa," I say, stroking her hair as hot tears soak my neck.

I close my eyes and rock us as Nessie cries, her fragile frame quaking nearly as badly as my own. I tell her I love her, so relieved to understand what this means. She commands me to never leave again.

Eventually we both calm slightly. Nessie lifts her head from my shoulder and turns to look at the doorway where my husband still lurks. I meet his gaze, giving him a real smile. He looks so stunned and happy for a moment I worry his knees will give out.

"Daddy," Nessie manages through her tears, extending a hand towards him. The ragged whisper has my cold, dead heart lurching in my chest. I lose composure once more as Edward joins us.

We sit together for a long time. I want more. I am so very tired, but Nessie doesn't have the attention span for sitting. She bounds to her feet as I readjust to lean against my husband with my head pillowed against his shoulder. Edward stokes my hair and answers Nessie's questions.

"What happened? How did this happen? This is great! But what happened?"

I smile slightly, enjoying the feel of the rumble in Edward's chest as he speaks. "It just happened, Nessie," he explains for me. "You've seen her progress. We were fake sleeping and she just woke up."

"Is it really you, Mom?" Nessie asks, unsure now, probably because I'm so quiet.

"It's really me," I assure her, giving her what I hope is a normal smile. It is difficult for me to keep my eyes open. I am so very tired and a dull ache emanates from my temples. "I woke up."

"What was it like? Do you remember everything? Where did you go?"

"I was there," I say, my eyes flickering closed. "I remember."

"What—"

"Vanessa," Edward interrupts, gently massaging my temple with one hand. "Your mom is tired. It's been a rough couple of months."

"Are you tired, Mom?" Nessie whispers.

I manage to open my eyes and smile at my now concerned daughter.

"Yes," I admit. "But I'm okay, Ness. I promise. It's me and I'm not going anywhere again."

And she's beaming at me again. "Okay. Good. I'll just ask less questions for awhile."

"Thank you, darling daughter."

She is absolutely glowing with pure joy. I wish I could feel that way – happy to be safe with my family – but now I can't manage to do much more than smile softly at her.

"So you're probably not up for going up to the big house to see Rosalie and Esme. They're still here and they're going to be so happy!"

I try to be that happy but my head is too full of terrors.

"Soon, Ness," Edward says. "Let Mom rest a bit, calm her head."

I brace myself for Nessie's disappointment, but my daughter doesn't even pout.

"So, a couple episodes of _Buffy _then?"

I grin at her. "Sounds perfect."

* * *

"Can we get you anything? A deer perhaps? Or a nice mountain lion? You like mountain lion."

I drag my gaze away from the window and the green, green forest beyond to look back at Esme. She is ever the doting mother, and I manage an appreciative smile.

We've been here in the big house with Rosalie and Esme. I can feel the questions on the tip of their tongues, but Edward must have given them some sort of warning because they do not ask for the details of my months as a vegetable or my stint as a psychotic disembodied tyrant, but they want too.

Still, I'm pleased that they hold back.

"I'm fine, Esme," I murmur. "Edward took me hunting before we came over."

"Oh," says my mother, deflating slightly. "Okay. Well, is there anything else I can get you?"

I chuckle slightly, finding her 'Esmeness' endearing.

"I'm fine."

"You look like shit," Rosalie corrects.

I'm glad that Nessie got bored with the lack of entertainment down here and is currently at the piano. Next to me on the sofa, Edward growls at my sister, gripping my hand that much tighter.

"I feel a bit like shit, to be honest. Vampires aren't supposed to be this achy," I reply. Edward, Esme, and Rosalie all wince at my statement. "I'll be okay. It's just… a lot."

Eventually, I'm going to have to start processing what happened three months ago. Eventually, I'm going to need to come to terms with my capabilities and the absolute evil that lurks just beneath the surface.

But for now I'm too tired and still so badly shaken.

Rosalie's phone rings. She sighs and pulls the thing from her pocket.

"Alice?" I guess.

"Yeah," replies Rose. "She's been calling every half hour since you woke up."

With a sigh of my own, I extend my palm. She places the device in my hand and I answer.

"Hey, Alice."

The squeal I get in reply hurts my head. I hold the phone as far as possible from my ear until she stops.

"Oh, it _is_ you. I knew you'd come back to us. I just knew it!"

"Well, that's the nice part of being able to tell the future," I tease.

"Oh, Bella." She gets choked up and apparently is forced to hand the phone off because the next voice I hear is Carlisle. My heart does something funny in response to his familiar tones.

"Bella." He breathes out my name with such total relief.

"Father-mine," I whisper in response.

"I do not know what to say," he replies, sounding almost as upset as Alice. "I don't think any sound has brought me such joy as your voice in this moment. I can hear _you_ in it."

"It's me. I'm here. I'm okay."

He scoffs at this. "I am sure you are most certainly not okay, given what you've been through in the last few months, but we do not have to discuss it now, unless you'd like to?"

"No," I say. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Is that Bella?"

"Holy fuck, is she back in the world of the unliving?"

"Bella? Bella! Motherfucking Bella!"

The trio of voices comes through the phone as if they are standing right next to me. I smile a genuine smile when I hear Jasper, Garrett, and Emmett all jockeying for possession of the phone in the background. Why they even want to hold the phone is beyond me given they can clearly hear anything I say.

"Hey guys," I reply, still grinning.

There is hooting and hollering and celebrating that I'm no longer a vegetable. They promise to see me soon and assure me that everything is being taken care of in Italy before Carlisle shoos them away. They depart to spread the news of my recovery.

"We are establishing a sort of government here, Bella. Really, it is all quite exciting. Very United Nations."

I hum in acknowledgement but really I don't have much room in my head for anything Italy.

"How are you?" he whispers, trying to give me a little privacy.

"I feel shaky, Carlisle."

"We'll get through this, Bella," he says.

"Promise?"

"Yes." The conviction I hear in his voice makes me smile. "We're at the healing part now, Bella. Your trials are at an end. Now is the time to go about the business of enjoying your daughter and your husband. You can all be together now. He isn't going anywhere, nor is Nessie, nor are you."

I glance at Edward.

"I'm not going anywhere," he tells me, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles. "And neither are you."

For once my smile isn't strained.

"Would you like to hear about our progress establishing a new world order?" asks my father.

"No," I reply, closing my eyes. "Just make it right, Carlisle."

"We will."

* * *

Nessie holds my hand as we walk back to the cabin in the moonlight. This is not something she's allowed me to do in years, but perhaps she got used to it when I was lost in my mind. Perhaps she holds my hand to reassure herself that I'm really here.

Whatever the reason, I enjoy her little fingers woven through mine.

She holds Edward's hand too and it makes me feel like we are making up for something that should have been done when she was small. If I had the height, I would consider lifting her off her feet, letting her swing through the air as I've seen so many parents do with their small children.

My little family is right here, connected by hands, and I try to do as Carlisle says. I try to push down the fear that threatens to choke me and just enjoy. Carlisle says this is the good part, that my trials are over.

I think everyday is going to be a little bit of a trial – to keep the demon locked away, to ignore the call of all that power – but what can I do but weather it?

How can I learn to live, or unlive, knowing what I really am. I've discovered horrors within myself and I cannot unlearn it now.

"Tomorrow we'll go see Jake?" she asks as dried leaves crunch beneath her feet. This is my forest. These are my smells. "You just missed Nahuel. He went back to the Amazon, but we can go see Jake, right?"

I share a look with Edward over our daughter's head. "How about he comes here?" Edward suggests. I sigh with relief. Edward knows I'm not ready to face all the wolves yet. I couldn't save Jared and I can't face those left behind, not now.

"Okay," says my daughter. She glances at me and I know she understands. Ever perceptive, is my little Nessie.

As we get home, she chats about all that's gone on in my three months as a zombie as if I wasn't there. I don't bother to tell her that I know all this already. Her voice is soothing.

We go through the bedtime routine as if nothing changed, as if I never let them take her and I never discovered my inner demon. I'm transported back to those few months between her acceptance of Edward as her father and her kidnapping.

It could be just the same.

Except I'm not the same.

I will never be the same again.

* * *

"What did I do?" I murmur into the dark. My eyes are closed, but I can feel him looking at me, just as I feel his breath from his sigh.

This hurts him. I know it does and that makes the whole thing that much worse.

I want to be normal for him, to be happy, but I can't quite manage it.

Is he scared of me like I'm scared of me? He heard how badly the demon wanted his ash. How could he not be scared and revolted by what lingers just below the surface.

But he's not going anywhere.

"You saved us all."

I growl impatiently, hating how he refuses to acknowledge that I'm anything but some sort of savior.

We lie facing each other, legs tangled together beneath the blanket. We're naked from our shower – a routine established during my zombie state that I'm unwilling to let go of – but as much as I want Edward to make my body sing, to make me forget the pleasure of power with the pleasure of something much more potent, I'm just too tired.

Even though I'm angry with him, I grip his hands.

"Edward," I whine. "Please."

"You did save us," he continues. "And we are all immensely lucky that was it."

I wanted him to acknowledge how close I came to destroying everything important, but his words still seem to slice at me.

"It will be okay, Bella," he assures me. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you won't feel like this forever."

With a frustrated huff, I sit up in bed, taking the sheet with me to cover my nudity. "You don't understand," I wail, digging my palms into my eye sockets. I rock slightly, wishing I could calm down. "Even now I could steal your gift. I could push my essence into your head and take everything, leaving you shaken and drained and without what makes you special for months."

I open my eyes to see Edward regarding me with a sort of sad understanding he couldn't possibly possess. He has no idea. How could he have any idea?

"Your gift is a green mist, floating all around. It's thicker and darker around your head. The farther away it gets the lighter its color. It fills up this room, goes beyond this room, beyond this cabin, and it would be so easy to take it from you."

Edward just keeps staring at me with sympathy and it makes me irrationally angry.

"If I thought it would help at all I'd gladly give you all, Isabella," he says. I let out a startled little hiss, but he keeps going. "Whatever I have is yours. Surely you know that, but my gift won't help you."

With a frustrated growl I cover my face with my hands.

"You don't understand," I tell him again.

Edward is up and moving. He pulls on a pair of athletic shorts before pacing out his frustration on our conversation that has us talking in circles.

"Bella," he says with a growl. I jump slightly, surprised by his tone, and lift my head at him again. "Do you feel it in the back of your mind constantly?"

His tone takes on something dark and pained. It makes my skin crawl.

"Do you feel that desire for something so totally repugnant you hate yourself for wanting it at all?" he asks, looking so painfully vampire. I don't breathe. I don't move. My eyes never leave his slow moving, prowling figure. "Do you think about how easy it would be to get what you crave? You have to work every minute to keep yourself in check. The denied desire makes your skin hurt."

I shudder because it's scary, both in its accuracy and presentation. He pauses for a long moment but doesn't stop his pacing. I wish he would look at me, but understand why he won't.

"I relive the moment my teeth sunk into that hiker's neck over and over." His words are a confession and I know it pains him to admit this. "Worse even than the crippling guilt and sorrow is the call of the demon that remembers this one moment of blinding pleasure and wants it again. Wants it always."

He stops his catlike movement, facing me where I remain seated on my bed, but continuing to look at the floor.

"I spend every day reliving their final, fearful thoughts and tasting their blood on my tongue. Everyday the guilt threatens to drown me and the very worst part is on some level I still want it. I'll always want it. I feel vile and disgusting and bad because I want it, but that's only part of me, Bella."

On his knees he walks across the mattress to cradle my face between his hands.

"It's part of you too, Bella," he murmurs. He doesn't let my gaze leave his. "But only one part. With all our other parts we'll fight everyday to be the best possible versions of ourselves. For our daughter, for each other, and for our family."

A strangled sob bubbles out between my lips. "I'm so sorry."

Edward's gaze immediately softens and he wraps me up in his arms. I push my nose into his neck.

"Hush," he murmurs, dropping a kiss on my temple. "I shouldn't have been so harsh."

"But you're totally right."

"Still, I should've handled this better. Despite your strength, in this you are like a newborn," he says.

I lift my head to frown at him. "How so?" I ask.

"You're an addict now," he says, stroking my hair. "It may not be blood you crave, but the rest is the same. You are so new and those feelings will never go away entirely, but I promise you it will get easier to live with. You'll get better."

For the first time in months, I feel hope.

"I'll get better," I murmur, giving my husband a shy smile. He kisses my temple. "Still, I wanted to burn you."

"You weren't yourself."

"It was so freaky!"

He chuckles. "You didn't really want that."

"Never again," I say. "I can't get that far gone ever again."

"Well," Edward says with a sad smile. "I will be here forever. No matter what."

"No matter what."

It feels like a promise we're both more than willing to keep.

* * *

**So there you go. She's back. One more and an epi. They should be a little more fluffy.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	30. Epilogue: Five Years Time

**Here it is. The last chapter. I am so very sad to see it go. Thank you so much for reading. The response to this story has just blown my mind and thank you all so much for your support and encouragement.**

**A farewell review would be much appreciated.**

**Donna is the very best beta in the world and she's made writing this bad boy such a positive experience.**

**I own nothing. **

**Enjoy.**

**See you guys next time!**

* * *

Moving will forever be a horrible pain in the ass and a necessarily frequent hassle so long as Nessie and Carlisle elect to live in the human world. This is my hope for my daughter especially and despite all that went wrong during the course of her long childhood, this I did right.

Ness can easily live as a mortal.

Our daughter has options and now she's found her place somewhere in the middle of the supernatural and human.

"You couldn't have stored some of this stuff?" I ask her now, riffling through a giant box containing hundreds of journals, the oldest dating back to the 1970s.

"And risk one of you nosy freaks reading my deepest, darkest secrets? I think not. They are only safe from prying eyes with me," replies my daughter, pulling the box towards her protectively.

I watch in amusement as she attempts to shove the thing under her bed. This is not the first box to get such treatment and something cracks but Ness succeeds in her goal.

"There," she says, unconcerned. "All unpacked."

I snort.

"It worked," she says.

"If you didn't insist on carting around so much crap there'd be more room under the bed to 'unpack.'"

"Mom, you still move with every doodle I've ever drawn."

"They are so good!"

"I drew them when I was like thirty-six."

That's Vanessa for nine. Suddenly she's giggling.

"Isn't it funny, that after years of this, we still have the same old fights?" she asks, grinning.

"I suppose," returning her bright smile.

Since leaving Forks twenty years ago we've moved five times, but I've yet to find anywhere that really feels like home. Permanence is just not in the cards for us, but Edward and Nessie and my family are constantly around and it's enough.

Still, it takes me longer to get comfortable in a new place, probably a lingering effect of past traumas. I'll always be haunted by my demon, by the knowledge of my horrible capabilities, but Ness is happy and Edward is always here, loving me, bringing me out of the darkness.

"Hamburg is going to fucking awesome, Mom," she informs me.

"Don't say fucking," I reply. "No cursing."

"Fuck, Jacob!" Edward's shout from the hall totally undoes my previous statement, making Nessie giggle.

We exchange a look before rushing to stop Edward from doing anything ridiculous.

Over the years the two have become something close to friends. When Ness started dating Nahuel two years ago, they became extremely annoying allies, but then she dumped the hybrid and started smiling at the wolf with a twinkle in her eye. Poor Jake is once more suffering the wrath of Edward.

"Jeeze, chill out, dude! Not all of us have super human moving skills. Slow down if you don't want me taking another chunk out of the wall," replies Jacob.

They are working together to move our headboard into the bedroom. Either could obviously lift the thing easily all on their own, but the angles between the stairs and the hall require one of them to pivot while the other holds one end higher.

I lean against the doorframe to Nessie's room, watching her take charge of the situation, directing both men before they can keep bickering. A few minutes later we have an assembled bed and for this I'm thankful. Exhaustion still plagues me and I want nothing more than to lie down with my husband.

"You ready to go?" Jacob asks when all the boxes and furniture are in the correct room, although far from unpacked and assembled.

"Yeah," replies my daughter. "Just as soon as I find my purse."

I sit with my legs crossed at the end of our bed, watching Nessie look around the chaotic mess of the room. Edward emerges from the closet, immediately tensed at the way this evening seems to be turning.

"Going?" hisses Edward, obviously in one of his moods. "Going?"

"Jake and I are going to grab a bite in the city. Explore a little," she explains.

Hamburg is a forty-five minute drive from our idyllic bit of countryside and forest. Our little house is on a river with the rest of the family sharing a home a mile away. All our moves have in Europe since the burning. It makes it easier for various members of my family to do their time in Italy with the council.

We are here at Nessie's request and she'll be starting at the Hamburg University of Music and Theatre to study classical piano. High school never held much interest for our daughter. She looks young for university so the story is she skipped the fourth grade and the eighth.

Funny, because she's done both. Dozens of times.

"You can eat here," Edward says. He frowns at me when I laugh.

"We have no food, Dad," Ness says with a sigh.

Suddenly Edward's head whips around to glare at Jacob. "She is not beautiful!" he snarls, responding to the wolf's thoughts.

"Thanks, Dad," Nessie replies, rolling her eyes as Jacob drops his gaze to the ground, a faint blush tinting his cheeks.

"You know what I mean," Edward snaps.

He means that of course Nessie looks beautiful but he doesn't want Jake thinking about it.

"Hardly ever," replies Ness, unfazed by her father's tantrum. "What's my curfew?"

"Nine," says Edward. Nessie rolls her eyes again as she turns to me.

"When's my curfew, Mom?"

"Eleven."

"One," she counters.

"Midnight," I say.

"Deal."

Before anyone can say anything else she kisses Edward's cheek, repeating the action with me and dragging Jacob out the front door to her car.

"Midnight?" asks Edward with a heavy sigh. "Really?"

"It's already after eight. They'd have to turn around before they even get where they're going to get home by nine."

"Exactly."

He looks so evil when he says this I laugh.

"Soon she won't even have a curfew." My own statement has me pouting and I get up, my legs restless.

"We have four more years," he replies.

"What's four more years when she's lived a century?"

Edward grumbles, moving to the window so he can pout a little himself. I move towards him, pressing my front into his back, wrapping my arms around his waist. As the tension leaves his body I close my eyes and breathe him in deep.

"I hate this as much as you do," I murmur.

My reasons are different. Although I've had a century to accept Jacob, I'll never truly get over my failure to keep Ness safe. When I finally came back to myself all those years ago I barely let her out of my sight for a decade. In the end she had to sit me down, saying that she'd rather take the risk and really live then stay with me constantly, experiencing nothing on her own. She was so earnest and articulate, I relented slightly, but seeing her leave gets no easier.

"I can make it better," I murmur, tugging at his sweater.

I feel the rumble from his answering chuckle in my chest.

"Tradition does dictate that we christen every room in our new house," he replies.

"Well, if it's tradition," I reply. "We can't very well argue with tradition."

Before the last word is fully out of my mouth I find myself up ended. A squeak escapes my throat as Edward unceremoniously throws me over his shoulder, cave man style.

"We better get going. You, the tyrant that you are, only gave our daughter a measly four hours away."

I laugh as he tosses me on the bed and kisses me dizzy.

* * *

**Two years later**

"It's just a date!" our daughter tugs at her hair as she paces around our living room.

"It's not just a date!" my husband yells right back, hands also in his hair. He is doing his pacing behind me where I'm seated sideways on the couch, my head bobbing back and forth as the two most important beings in my universe square off.

Alice sits across from me, practically vibrating with excitement as she watches the madness. Jazz is in the kitchen as the emotions in here are running a bit high. They're fresh in from Italy, back from doing a stint with the council to deal with some lawbreaker or another.

I don't want the details. I never want the details.

Nessie's announcement interrupted our catch up.

"It is an overnight trip with a pedophilic creature that has been obsessed with you for a century!" Edward continues, making everyone in the room wince.

Ness lets out a shriek. "You're ridiculous! And this should be no big deal! We've gone away together lots of times and this shouldn't be any different just because I've almost stopped growing!"

Something stirs in my chest because we're down to two years before Vanessa is officially a grown up. Two years to Ness is close to six months to a human, so she won't actually do much growing, but the milestone is significant.

The whole thing is rather bittersweet.

"Everything is different!" hisses Edward. He stops his pacing to better glare at our daughter. His fingers dig into the back of the couch. I reach out to hold his hand because he needs some morale support.

Plus, I like this couch. I'd rather he not rip it apart.

"You've never been alone," says Edward yet again.

"We won't be alone!" says Nessie yet again.

I should probably intervene at some point. "A bunch of their friends are going up for the weekend, Edward. At least twenty collage humans," I murmur.

My reasons for not wanting Nessie to spend the weekend skiing in Switzerland are very different from my husband's, but she will stop growing in three years and I need to learn to let go.

"She herself called it a date! He is her date. For the weekend!" Edward is really freaking out here, reacting as if nothing has changed since 1934 when Nessie would have been nearly seventeen if not for the whole vampire thing.

Nessie actually blushes – a rare sight – but doesn't let up her pacing. "A ski date," she replies. "No big deal."

"You've kissed!" Edward declares.

I sigh heavily, shaking my head at my husband. It happened over a week ago but I didn't need his mind reading abilities to clue me in. I just knew.

And his current reaction is exactly why I neglected to share my suspicions.

How they managed to keep this a secret from Edward for so long is something of a mystery.

Edward is completely ignoring my plan to give Ness space until she is ready to confide in us. In retrospect it would have been wise to fill him in on said plan.

"I knew it!" exclaims Alice.

"Hush, Alice," I say.

"You're clairvoyant!" Ness yells. "Of course you knew it!"

Edward growls and Nessie stops her pacing to square off with her father. It's rather terrifying when the two of them fight. They are far too similar, with their ridiculous height and the bronze hair and that scary similar expression of rage that comes across their scary similar faces.

I'm trapped in the middle, in every sense.

Nessie's hands fist at her sides and she gets so red I start to worry.

"That is private," she hisses, her vampire emerging in this moment. "How dare you invade my mind? It's a violation!"

"I can't control it," he mutters, slightly guilty now. He glances at me apologetically and I just pat his hand consolingly. He's on his own with this one.

"You promised!" Ness yells, completely furious now. "You said you'd have the decency to pretend like you don't know stuff like that!"

He did indeed make this promise when she kissed her first human at a homecoming dance fifteen years ago. Mostly he kept it during her slightly more serious relationship with Nahuel.

"I—"

Edward is maybe attempting an apology but we'll never know now because Ness just continues to yell. There is a lot of ranting. Alice whispers in my ear, wanting popcorn to go with the show. With half an ear I listen to my daughter let the anger out, but mostly I focus on the world beyond. The rest of the family is supposed to be wandering in at any moment and I'd really like this fight to be winding down by then.

Emmett is sure to make things a thousand times worse for the comedy and it will worry Esme endlessly.

"You are so fucking creepy!"

"Hey!" I say, really speaking up for the first time here. "I'm trying to remain neutral here—"

"Like Switzerland! Where Ness wants to go! That's funny."

I close my eyes, refraining from punching Alice in the eye. "But if you talk to your father like that you have no chance of ever going anywhere again," I say.

She gets impossibly redder and we all brace ourselves for more screaming, but she takes a deep breath.

And then five more.

"Dad," she says through a clenched jaw. "I'm sorry for the cursing, but we do have this deal where you pretend not to know what I'm thinking. It's the polite thing to do."

"I'm sorry, Nessie. I don't know anything about anything," says my darling husband.

"Apology accepted. I'm going to go shower off my mad and we can discuss this when we've both had time to calm down." And with that she turns on her heel and marches upstairs.

Everyone is still as stone until we hear the water go on above our heads.

Edward groans, disturbing the silence, and flops forward, crawling over the back of the couch to lie with his head in my lap. Alice scrambles back, looking mildly disgusted to have Edward's feet too close to her dainty little self.

"I'm going to kill Jacob Black," he mutters. I chuckle and push my hands through his hair. He sighs.

"No, you won't" I reply. "He's your friend."

"We were _almost_ friendly," Edward corrects. "Before Vanessa…"

"Started looking like she looks now?" Alice supplies, making Edward cringe.

In the last decade Nessie's grown seven inches in height and lost all her awkward, gawky angles of youth. Her face thinned out, making her look like the feminine version of her father with those cheekbones of theirs.

It's freaky really. The general public probably thinks they are twins.

The changes to her face make her eyes more pronounced.

Jasper wanders in now that things have calmed. He touches the top of Alice's head and looks at Edward with equal parts amusement and pity.

"I thought we'd have three more years, you know?" he murmurs, making me really understand the reasons behind his complete freak out.

This is beyond the standard protective father routine. Edward missed so much of her childhood and now he doesn't want it to be over. He doesn't want to lose her.

"She's still going to be Nessie, Edward," I say. He opens his eyes, frowning up at me. "She's still yours. Ours. She's not going anywhere."

"That's true," Alice says. "I've seen it."

I give Alice a withering look.

"I'm not totally happy about it either," I continue. "But there isn't much we can do to slow it down and if we try she'll just resent us. That's the only way we'll lose her. If we freak out so much she doesn't want anything to do with us."

"I am so glad to just be an uncle in this moment," Jasper tells Alice who nods vigorously in response.

"She's only sixteen," says my husband, sitting up. His gaze changes rapidly from Alice to Jasper to me. "Do you really think we should let our sixteen year old go party it up with her friends and the guy that's been lusting after her since she was a baby?"

"Dude," Jasper groans.

I pull a face, disgusted by the thought.

"You know better than anyone that the lusting is a recent addition," Alice points out.

Now Edward is making the face. "Twenty years and he's still horrible at hiding his thoughts."

"Ness is teaching him the Russian alphabet," Jazz says. "Maybe that will help."

"And she's not sixteen," I say. "She's one hundred and sixteen. Human rules don't apply. Maybe physically she's sixteen and a half, but she's got all this experience. There are only a handful of beings that Ness can be with for the long haul. She tried the hybrid thing with Nahuel. That leaves vampires and werewolves."

"We don't know any vamps that are good enough for Ness!" Alice says, apparently horrified. "Jacob is way better than like, Riley!"

I snort.

"How about no one," Edward mutters.

"You're wishing your daughter an eternity alone?" Jasper drawls.

"Riley or Jacob," Alice demands, poking my husband in the shoulder. "Riley or Jacob!"

Edward looks at me, silently begging me to decode the wacky behavior of our siblings.

"Jacob is her Edward," I say with a shrug. "It's weird to be a parent and admit that, but Jake is it for her. Jacob is her Edward."

His lip twitches as if he is going to snarl at me but then he drops his face to his hands. "Fuck, this is horrifying."

I rub his back consolingly

"She can go to fucking Switzerland," he mutters.

"Yeah, with a guard of at least fifty," I reply.

* * *

**Three years later**

I run, a blur of dark hair and pale skin through a world of green.

Twenty five years ago I could fly through this forest without even opening my eyes. I knew every rock and twig intimately, but all has shifted while I was away. Like all living things, my trees and ferns and mosses have grown and thrived and died while I remain constant, as I've been for decades and as I will be for decades and I as will be for decades more.

Hopefully.

The smells are the same and I breathe in deep, reveling in the familiar scents of life and decay. The sharpness of pine and the sickly sweet tang of rotting leaves welcome me home.

I run, leaping and dodging fallen trees while making note of the looming sentinels that will stand for many years to come.

I follow new trails carved out by deer. Once I ran these moist dirt paths to feel cleansed, to wash it all away and forget. I ran to feel free.

Now there is only joy here and I smile, once more filling my dead lungs with the smells of the forest.

My forest.

I reach the unchanging edge of a large cliff that slopes down into the river some five hundred feet below. My feet teeter on the edge before I scramble up the tallest tee to take in the panoramic view of epic peaks, jagged gorges, masses of green that run up to the ocean.

I love it here, my favorite place on this earth, and the little corner of the globe that is truly mine.

As I sit in the tree, watching the sun dip lower, Edward finds me.

Anywhere and everywhere feel like home with Edward here.

He doesn't speak as I lean forward on the branch, allowing him to sit behind me with his back against the trunk. Our legs dangle on either side. With a contented sigh I melt back into his chest.

"You've missed this," he observes.

I nod.

"I wish we could stay."

"Give it another fifty years," I reply. "We'll be back."

The sun sets. Edward stirs behind me, and I know it's time to leave my woods, my tree.

"Kate and Garrett are here, asking for you," he murmurs.

I tense and nod again.

"It will be fine, Bella. They miss you."

"I know. They just look at me different." _Since I almost turned them all to ash._

"Kate and Garrett?"

"Not them so much. It's the others. They all look at me different."

Edward kisses my temple. "They owe you everything and they know it. Most genuinely care about you and fuck the ones who don't."

I smile. "I know I'm being ridiculous. It's about Nessie anyway."

"Yes to the second. No to the first."

A laugh escapes my chest and I pull Edward out of the tree.

* * *

Garrett's eyes are a warm shade of honey and he hugs me tight when we get back to the main house in Forks. Kate gives me a similarly friendly greeting, but I stick close to Edward's side when she releases me. I'm not used to being around so many all at once and more will arrive in the next few days.

Already I feel the prickle in my shield with so many powerful creatures so close. So many, that I could easily suck dry, stealing what makes them powerful. The demon stirs and I loathe it.

I _loathe_ it.

All I can do is shiver and hold onto Edward.

As more guests arrive I'm transported back in time twenty five years, but Nessie is here this time. Her glowing, radiant happiness keeps me grounded firmly in the present. Alice keeps us all busy, transforming the back yard into another world, full of white flowers and strings of white light.

My sister spends two days perfecting the altar and grumbles every time she needs to pop into town. No one in Forks can see us and Anna Uley becomes Alice's errand girl.

Or errand woman, I suppose.

Nessie's best friend is now thirty eight.

More vampires arrive.

The Irish arrive with Dmitri in tow. Last time I saw Maggie she told me that she'd never met a more honest creature than the quiet giant of a tracker. Felix arrives with Victoria of all people, creeping me out slightly. I can see a wariness in her eyes that makes me need to touch Edward. That look isn't present on the faces of the Amazonians, but Tia and Benjamin give me a wide berth.

Edward and I are the odd ones out in this eerily familiar gathering. For the last twenty give years all the vamps here have gathered frequently in Italy, all taking turns representing their various covens on the council.

I don't go to Italy.

I never go to Italy, but I've been told that my name alone is enough to terrify Volturi loyalists and law breakers into submission. Carlisle says our world is safer now than it's ever been due in part to my notoriety.

I'm the thing demons fear.

A small part of me revels in this knowledge, hoping it's enough to keep Vanessa forever safe.

Still it is odd to be considered monstrous by the monsters themselves.

The last time I was in the presence of all these creatures I was the one getting married. Or remarried. Or renewing my vows. Or whatever.

A year after the burning I wanted to give Edward a wedding. We'd just left Forks for this absurd manor house Carlisle's owned forever in the English countryside. I gave Edward the memory of marrying me in front of friends who risked everything for my daughter and would continue to do so, despite how they feared me. Edward's joy eclipsed it all and Alice even managed to get me into the dress I wore a hundred years earlier to make the same promises to the same man.

Nessie wanted to wear it but she's far too tall and the poor old garment really couldn't handle the alteration. I've seen her in the simple but exquisitely cut column of ivory she selected for her big day, but that hardly makes it feel real.

Nessie is getting married.

I have yet to truly process it.

* * *

"No one's killed each other yet," Nessie says, downing a goblet of wine. It takes a lot to intoxicate my daughter but the rosy cheeks tell me she's well on her way.

Still, she is so beautiful it almost hurts to look at her.

"That's good right?" she continues, turning to look at me.

I take stock of our backyard.

Alice successfully transformed it into a sort of fairy wonderland, combining wood and white everything – lights, ribbons, flowers, table settings – that perfectly suit the couple. Despite the beautiful environment the guests remain somewhat segregated.

"There will be no scuffles between wolves and vamps," I assure her. "I'll fry them if they dare."

Nessie snorts into her wine but then frowns when she realizes her glass is empty.

"You're beautiful," I tell her, pulling her into a hug. "And married."

"I'm beautiful and married!" she squeals.

Her joy is intoxicating and I let it wash over me.

Across the crowded – and similarly segregated – dance floor we watch Jake smoke cigars with Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle.

"He's officially a Cullen now," I murmur. And that fact alone is pretty surreal.

"I never really thought it would happen," Ness confesses.

"Really?" I ask, genuinely surprised to hear this. "I always thought it would happen, just not so soon."

My 137 year old daughter rolls her eyes.

"Why didn't you think it would happen?" I ask.

"Well, you might not remember but I was a stubborn little shit in my youth," she says. I crack a smile, remembering that strange time before Nessie accepted Edward as her father. Funny, how twenty five years can make something so painful at the time, so amusing in the present. "I didn't like the whole imprinting, destiny thing."

"You and me both," I mutter.

"It's like how when you'd tell me to do something and that would make me want to do the opposite," Nessie explains. "The universe was telling me to be with Jake so I was determined to do the opposite."

"So you practiced kissing on the humans," I say, earning another eye roll. I keep my voice as quiet as possible to try to keep this conversation private.

"Yeah."

"And you lost your virginity to Nahuel."

"Do not include that in your toast later, Mom. Jeeze, what is wrong with you, bringing that up?"

I laugh a little, a real, true laugh that only Nessie could draw out when I'm this uncomfortable.

So many powers that could so easily be mine. Benjamin, with all his fire, is so painfully close.

"So what changed?" I ask, both because I need the distraction and I'd really like to know.

"You and Dad and your ridiculously epic love," she says, snagging a fresh glass of champagne from a passing waiter's tray.

I raise an eyebrow, not getting the connection.

"I couldn't settle for a pleasant little life with Nahuel, seeing firsthand what the real thing is like."

If I could cry I'd be bawling like a baby.

"Wow, Nessie. I'm… touched."

And choked up. And somewhat speechless.

My daughter shrugs. "You make each other better. He woke you up, Mom, and I didn't even know you'd been sleeping," Nessie says, slinging an arm over my shoulders. We turn to look at our husbands.

Edward is smiling, looking pretty speechless himself.

"Jacob is my epic love," Ness whispers, smiling slightly. "And not being with him to give a big 'fuck you' to the universe wasn't hurting anyone but me. And, you know, Jake."

"You sound like such a grown up," I observe.

"Shut up!" Nessie says with a giggle, playfully bumping me with her hip.

"It's a good thing!" I reply, watching Edward and Jacob navigate the crowd. "I love you and I'm so damn proud of you."

"Me too" she says, tearing slightly as she kisses my cheek.

"Lovely ladies," Jacob says in way of greeting. "May we have this dance?"

Nessie stretches up to kiss her husband and for once the sight don't make Edward look like he's on the verge of vomiting. Our daughter ignores her new husband's out stretched hand, latching onto her father's arm instead.

"After the next song we'll switch!" she says, pulling Edward onto the dance floor. He grins at me over his shoulder before twirling Nessie around, making her squeal with delight.

Jacob bows to me and I take his offered hand. He can't really dance, not like Edward, but he has fun, hamming it up and making me smile but then his suddenly goofy smile makes me suspicious.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask.

"Just thinking about how many times you broke my limbs and told me that this would never, ever, happen, over your dead body would it happen, he replies, grinning at me in that way that never fails to make me want to punch his face.

"Technically, everything that ever happens around here is over my dead body," I muse. "You are currently dancing with my dead body."

"Gross, Bella."

"You still have limbs to break," I remind him.

"You wouldn't hurt your own son, would you?"

"Son?"

"I'm going to start calling you Mom."

I stop dancing – if it can even be called that – to squeeze his hand. Even this slight increase in pressure makes him yelp like the puppy he is.

"Fine," he mutters as I force him to dance once more. "I'll just call you Mrs. Cullen. Shit. Or is it Mrs. Masen?"

"Both. Either. Whatever."

The Mrs. is the important part as far as I'm concerned. We switch between Cullen and Masen depending on our cover story.

We shuffle around in silence for a moment until Jacob's facial expression changes once more.

"But I am still your friend, right?" he asks, sounding so very young and unsure. "Like, your best friend maybe?"

"Edward is my best friend," I reply.

"Bella," He groans. I grin.

"But you continue to be pretty high up there on the list," I reply, making him relax and smile.

"Even though I stole away your little girl?" Jake asks.

"Especially because you married my little girl," I correct. Jake's speechlessness makes me smile. "The prospect of spending an eternity alone is truly horrible. I'm so happy you'll have each other to make it wonderful instead."

"Damn, Bella."

"Plus, I gave up on getting rid of you decades ago. But if you call me Mom again I'll have to end you."

Nessie leads Edward over then, dancing far more gracefully than her wolf of a husband. "So does this mean you're going to start calling my dad here _father?_" she asks.

Much to my delight, both men grimace as the song ends.

"I love you, Dad," Ness continues, stretching up to kiss his cheek. Seeing them together will never become commonplace, and I spend every moment being so thankful to have the pair of them.

Even if they look freakishly similar.

Jake wraps his arms around Nessie's waist, spinning her off her feet as she giggles. Seeing the two of them together will probably always be a little strange, at least for the next century or so.

Edward pulls me into his chest with a heavy sigh.

"I feel old," he mutters into my hair.

"But you look great!" I say. My husband returns my grin with only minimal eye rolling as we start to sway to the music. While Emmett and Rosalie do some crazy lifts, Edward and I barely move; our bodies close together. I crane my neck to see his eyes and he runs his hands all over my lower back.

"She's so happy," he murmurs, glancing over at the newlyweds.

"Yes," I agree. "Jake too."

"And me," he says. "I was unaware that this level of happiness was possible. That's your doing, love."

"Yeah?" I ask my smile shy.

"Of course."

He kisses me and for a few precious moments I forget that my demon is keenly aware of Benjamin's every move. I forget what it's like to have all that power.

"And you?" he asks, lips moving against my temple. "Are you happy?"

It's a difficult question. In the last twenty-five years everyone in my family seems to have really found the happy. Rose and Emmett travel constantly while Alice and Jasper seems to really enjoy their new positions with the council. Carlisle is doctoring. Esme is decorating. Nessie has Jake and Edward has a family.

I'm the wildcard on the happy front. I'm the damaged one who exists with the constant fear that the demon will escape the box, destroying everything I love, banishing every precious ounce of my humanity.

But there is nothing I'd change in the present or past.

Edward is here with me, back from the grave to find me again after a century. My daughter lives between worlds, striking a perfect balance between the human and the super natural. She's found her epic love.

Today my demon is restless, but tomorrow I'll fly off to Isle Esme, following my daughter south. She'll spend her honeymoon climbing mountains in Patagonia, thousands of miles away from the Brazilian island but I insist on being on the same continent at the very least.

I'll spend the next few months quieting the demon, letting the sun warm my skin and dining on dolphin, always a treat. Edward will make my body sing and remind me that I have a soul.

The years after that stretch endlessly, full of possibilities. We'll follow our daughter across the globe as she follows her bliss. And Edward will always be right here, loving me.

"Yes," I whisper, smiling up at him. The call of the demon gets that much easier to ignore. "I'm happy. The last twenty-five years, despite everything that went horribly, horribly wrong, I've been so very happy."

Eyes never leaving mine, Edward snags a glass of champagne from a passing tray, raising it in a toast we'll never actually drink.

"To the last twenty-five years," says my husband. "And the twenty before that you remember for the both of us. Here's to a thousand more."

"A thousand more," I echo, knowing it will be true.


End file.
